What We'd Do Without Gravity
by Mushrooms Of Gold
Summary: While lost in a hospital Antonio comes across young terminally ill patient, Lovino Vargas. With Lovino left only six months to live it's an awful time a romance to blossom between the ill fated pair, but with a bucket list to race through as the clock ticks down, the two find that love is very hard to avoid.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: It's me again! _

_Greetings all, I'm so glad to be back writing some more fun fics, this time it's the turn of Spamanoto get a shot of the spotlight! I'm actually really excited to get going, I think this is gonna be a long one...  
And remember, if you get tired of waiting for updates (once a week) you can check out my other works (shameless self promotion)...  
So without further ado..._

**Chapter One**

**Six Months**

It was a little known fact to me that wheelchairs are kinda different to office chairs.

Really, I should have expected this, wheelchairs don't go very fast when you want to ride it down a long empty hallway, the wheels are actually quite stiff. Stiffer than I ever expected.

It had been a long day, first work all day long and then I managed to get lost in this place... I had never been good with directions and this hospital was like a maze! It was impressive how huge it was, I had been wandering for at least ten minutes and still hadn't been in the same place twice. I hadn't even changed floor!

So when I found a wheelchair at the end of one hallway it was the most exciting thing all day! It was really a dream come true, nothing could have prepared me for it. There weren't even any doctors or nurses in sight. So of course it was the perfect opportunity to have some fun, I had even ran over to grab it and sit down, hoping to zoom down the hall on it.

Sadly, I wasn't given that wonder and I was heaving myself along, past all the rooms, trying to finish what I started... I have to admit, wheelchairs were harder than they looked to move around on... Especially when you wanted to go fast.

"Nyoom..." I murmured under my breath. No nyoom for me, not today.

But I struggled along, I couldn't let my excitement I had when I saw this thing go to waste, ever if it did mean a lot of pushing out with my legs.

I was even breaking a sweat... Yikes.

Heave... Heave... I was almost half way!

Suddenly, before I could reach that crucial halfway point, a voice came from one of the rooms, "The hell are you tryna achieve? Idiot, you look constipated."

Surprise caught in my throat and I stood suddenly, looking around. All the rooms were dark, who said that? Was it a ghost?

I still laughed at his remark, even if whoever he or ghost-he was sounded a little grouchy; "You know these things don't go as fast as you might think!"

There!

Even though I was looking for him I was surprised when I suddenly noticed the voices owner... All alone sitting one of the beds, his room dark except for the pulled back curtains that let city light in was a silhouetted figure.

He was slumped over, sat upright in bed, his bed head so wild that it could be seen as part of his outline and he was sort of tiny in figure... He wasn't exactly short but he was still small. Except his big mouth which loudly called over,

"What? Of course they go slow! Are paraplegics just supposed to roll around at top speeds and get themselves killed? Pft. No."

I blinked once, my lips parted, "Yes..." I slowly nodded, "I guess that's true."

I could feel the figures confusion all the way over here, "Y-You do want them to die?"

My eyes widened and I quickly realised how what I said sounded, "No!" I tried to recover, "I just mean you're right! They shouldn't go fast!"

Silence...

Oh no. Had I freaked him out?

"Pssht!" I was almost startled as suddenly he came out with a half laugh, "Idiot!"

I smiled; thank goodness I was understood... I hesitated and left the wheelchair to step into his room,

"What are you doing?" The stranger barked the moment I was over the threshold.

"Mm?" I wandered in further, "I'm coming closer so that our calling doesn't disturb the other patients." I looked around the darkened hospital room, "Isn't it pretty dark? I'll turn the light on..." I offered, fumbling for a lamp.

My hand went to his bedside stand but he was immediately thwacking my hand away, "Don't turn them on!" He covered the general area of the switch with an out stretched hand, "Quit it!"

I withdrew, blinking in confusion, "You don't want some light?" I looked to his shadowy face, "But I can hardly see..."

He huffed, wriggling down under his blankets, "So what are you doing here anyway? You realise visitors shouldn't be around right now. Why the hell do you think the lights are off? No one's meant to see me, fuck."

I raised my brow at his language but was also caught off guard by the boy's question, "Me?" I looked around the room. I had been too busy engaging in conversation to think about my current situation, "I'm lost!" I smiled cheerily, "I just came from an appointment. I was getting antibiotics for my urinary tract infection." I smiled, "It's pretty much gone now, it really hurt to pee!"

Before I could go into detail a pillow was thrown at me, "Shut the fuck up! I don't care about your damn UTI!" Another loud huff and he turned over, lying on his pillow less mattress, curled up away from me, "How old are you anyway? Those things are for old men."

I laughed, "Well it looks like I'm old enough! The nurse did say it was rare for my age... But there was really no doubt about it! It was my urinary tract!" I grinned, now sitting on the end of his bed, "Did you know, that they only happen to around 3 in 100 men over the age of 60? That's three percent! The nurse told me that today when I asked. She was really nice, she's getting married next month, her ring was gorgeous!" As much I wanted to carry on I was interrupted,

"Do you ever shut up!? I don't care!" The boy... I think he was no more than a boy, maybe 17, pulled his blankets right over the top of his head and let silence reign again.

I looked to the pillow in my lap, he never took it back after throwing it at me...

"Would you like a pillow there?"

There was a long pause and then some shuffling and I smiled when I saw an arm pop out from under the duvet, "Give it." He said sharply. I placed it in his open hand and couldn't suppress a chuckle as it was pulled in and disappeared back under with the hand.

There was more silence, but this one was more comfortable. I didn't really like silences, but I'm not sure... Something told me that this guy wasn't a fan of too much talking.

I watched the lump under the covers intently, I wondered if he was getting a little warm in there...

Eventually, before I could get too tempted, he broke the silence, "Why are you still sitting there?"

I frowned. I supposed I really didn't have any particular reason to... "You seem nice." Is what I came out with.

"Ha. That's bad news." He retorted.

I placed my hands on my knees and leaned forward quizzically, "You're acting pretty angry."

Obviously my statement seemed to inspire something because the lump of blankets shifted and the human in them emerged, his hair even more tousled. Like, impossibly tousled. I could feel him glaring over at me,

"Uh huh, no kidding. You would be mad too if you were stuck in here all the time!" He grabbed a half glass of water from the stand and downed any remaining water in a big gulp, "It sucks."

I winced at how cold he sounded... Not that I really thought anyone would like staying here, but he seemed to aggressively hate the place, "When do you get out?" Come to think of it there seemed to be nothing wrong with him... Maybe he was getting out soon, that'd be good.

He looked at the floor and scowled, "When I die."

My eyes widened, shocked by his harshness, "Hey now! That's not a fun thing to say!" I tried to reconcile, "It might seem that way, but you'll be out before long!" I wanted to reach out and give him a friendly touch, but worried he wouldn't like that.

"It's true." He spoke so bitterly that I wasn't sure whether he was actually exaggerating or not, "And I hate every second of it."

I attempted to lighten the mood, "Even now you have me to chat to? Oh!" I suddenly felt a kick at my leg,

"Yes!" He cried out, "Stupid!"

I laughed loudly rubbing what would surely become a big bruise, "I'm sorry..." I looked at him, I could still barely make out his face but I felt like everything about his character was enough to remember, from the presence he had to the way he held himself, "What would make you smile?"

"What?" He asked in a flat disapproving tone.

I inched closer, a smile on my face, "What makes you smile? Tell me something!"

"This sounds fucking gay." He was suspicious.

I just laughed and shrugged, "Just one thing! It can be something tiny. Like a cactus!"

I could feel him wrinkling his nose, "A cactus? What the hell?"

I gave a sigh, "Anything!"

There was a pause, but I didn't push it because he was thinking now. I was getting excited...

"Fine." He smirked in the dark and sat up straighter, "A big black coffee. Not the shit they give us here, but something quality. Real quality. And hot."

I nodded slowly at the request, "Then how about I come see you tomorrow morning with a big black coffee for you?"

The boy snorted, "Why the hell would you do that?"

"To make you smile..." I reached out to put a hand on his shoulder but stopped when he flinched at the even raising or my hand, "It's not troublesome! So why not?"

He just grumbled to himself, I couldn't understand why...

"Unless you want something different?" Maybe he lied because he didn't get that I was going to take him what he wanted.

"I don't care!" His reply was quick and defensive... Maybe just getting a coffee was best after all, it was easy too!

"Well..." I rubbed my hands together, "What's your name?"

They guy suddenly looked up at me, "Why the hell do you wanna know?!"

"Well," I explained, "I need it to order the coffee for you..."

I could sense his eyes narrowing in the dark, "Don't try to fool me..." He hissed before suddenly raising his voice, "Hey you pervert! I don't need to tell you! It's not like I'm picking up my own damn coffee, use your own name!"

I frowned. Goodness, I had never seen someone so violently oppose being asked their name, "I thought you might like your own name on the cup..." If someone was doing this for me, that's what I'd appreciate.

"Tch. Why am I even allowing you to come back and see me again? Jeeze...

...

...It's Lovino."

I blinked, I hadn't really expected him to continue, "Huh?"

He made a frustrated sound, "That's my name you idiot! Listen a little! It's Lovino, now don't go spreading it! What the hell is your name anyway? Do you think you can just take my name and get away with not telling me yours? Ha!"

I so busy taking all that speech in that it took me a while to realise that there was actually a question in there, "M-Me?" I caught on startled, "Oh my name is Antonio!"

I expected another barrage of talking but instead there was nothing.

That was until he finally asked in an uncharacteristically soft voice, "Oh... European, huh?"

I nodded, even in the dark, "_Si_. Spanish." I replied, "Are you Italian?" The name Lovino sounded Italian.

"_Si_. Definitely." He answered firmly, "Well good. I don't know many European guys around here except my family and some gut my brother knows." I could tell he was looking at me for once, "Good job."

"Um, y-yes... Thank you..." I faltered, not sure if that was really something I could claim credit for...

"Yeah, whatever!" His fire was straight back, and with a vengeance, "Now get lost! I kinda wanna do some fucking sleeping here!"

I laughed. Lovino certainly was an interesting character. I sort of liked him. But really, he was right. It was late...

So I stood up, "I'll see you tomorrow!" I reminded him chirpily, "With your coffee!" He just rolled back into the covers, I only got some grunts in return. I decided then to just leave him, let him rest up and give him some peace and space.

Now I just had to find my way out of this very interestingly designed hospital...

**.oO0Oo.**

I made sure that I kept my promise to Lovino. Fortunately it was even my day off work! I ran a small cafe but even though it wasn't big or world famous, it did get pretty busy, and being the boss I couldn't take much time away from it. Luckily I had the slow days and what days of the week they were all figured out, so I just made the slow days the closed days and shut up the place to get some sleep!

But today I got up early. Monday was my first day off in the week, no one goes to cafes on Mondays, and this was usually the day I slept until the afternoon in. Yet today, I rose at nine, my mind was set of my errand.

Truth be told, in the time since I last saw him, though there hadn't been much of it, I had been thinking a lot of Lovino and just about how miserable he sounded. It was a shame for anyone to be so negative! So really the least I could do to help him cheer up was bring him a coffee if he wanted one, right?

It was funny, I had actually been pretty worried about finding Lovino's room after my scare the night before. Even after leaving Lovino's I had taken another ten minutes to finally find the exit... I had wondered if I'd ever get out!

But something must have gotten me to become much more aware of where I had been going that night trying to find the hospital front door because as I stepped back inside I had some sort of idea of what the right direction might be! I got excited as I thought that I could even make it to him before visiting hours ended three hours later!

There was great relief as I took the elevator up and saw a place I recognised when I got off- I had been concerned that even with Starbucks being just around the corner from the hospital that the coffee would have been cold by the time Lovino got it.

I knocked once on the heavy wood of the thick door, but it was already agar. I could see him on the bed, on top of the duvet sprawled out like this was his own bed. He was so used to it. Did he already have some visitors?

"Lovino?" I called out as a greeting, surely enough, there was just him in the room, no other visitors. But the TV was on this time and the kid looked totally engrossed in it.

I smiled as I peeked at the screen. There were two brightly coloured cartoon characters engaged in some epic battle, "Wow!" My smile grew as I watched a little, "What's this? It looks exciting!"

He shot a look at me, "Hey!" I had never seen anyone grab a remote and turn off a TV so fast. It was impressive!

"What the hell do you think you're doing coming in like that!?" He started, "You can't just wander in to peoples damn hospital rooms you-" He stopped suddenly and stared at me, I felt the scrutiny of his eyes... I laughed a little awkwardly to get rid of the tension.

"Wait." He spoke again, a little calmer now, "Are you Antonio?"

It took me a moment but it finally hit me that Lovino had no idea if I was the guy he spoke to! He hadn't a clue as to what I was supposed to look like! I wonder if this is what he expected...

"That's right!" I quickly told him to prevent him getting even more confused and sat down where I was the night before, "Sorry I scared you!"

He definitely didn't have the look I expected... I mean, with the way he had been talking I had started to expect some broody dark guy, with pale skin, piercing cold eyes, dark hair and everything! But he was the opposite! He looked young, I had imagined that, but he had tanned olive skin, incredibly smooth and flawless and an almost effeminate figure, with long slender legs, defined hips nipping in for a narrow waist. He looked angry right then, he had full cheeks that had gone a little red and his small mouth which had become a pout. He had big eyes with great long lashes and his hair was a glossy auburn, even though it was ruffled up wildly and one kink of it was sticking up completely. What a fascinating contrast to my imagination!

"You actually showed up." He gave one of those famous huffs and pushed his hair back from his face with a small hand.

"Of course!" I don't know what he had expected as I held out the black coffee, especially for him, right under his slightly turned up nose.

"Give me that!" He snapped as if I hadn't been dangling it in front of his face and took it.

He took a long sip, closing his eyes and arcing his back like a black coffee was giving him intense pleasure... I suppose after only having the stuff in here I would act a little like that too.

After that long sip which probably barely scratched the surface of the gigantic venti sized cups Starbucks offered he wiped his mouth with the back of his palm and put it down.

I looked between him and the set aside cup a few times... Hm. He didn't seem as overjoyed as I maybe hoped he would.

"Do you like it?" I ventured, "Are you smiling now?"

He glared with his eyes straight ahead and pulled his knees to his chest. He wasn't really dressed like I expected either... He had a bright yellow oversized t-shirt that was made of a really soft material and was obviously worn a lot, and a pair of bright purple pyjama shorts. I gotta say, the outfit was quite different to his personality, but still suited how he looked. He looked so innocent.

I sighed as he absently took another slurp of his coffee, "You don't really seem that happy..." I could feel a little concern... This is what he did ask for, was there really nothing to satisfy this kid?

He blinked a few times, not answering before taking a breath and slowly replying, "It's pretty fucking hard to be Mr. Goddamn Smiles like you are when you get stuck in here."

I sucked in my cheeks, my brow knitted with sympathy. Poor Lovino... I just wanted him to feel somewhat better.

I considered anything that might make a hospital stay seem brighter, "Don't you get any visitors?" I tried. Maybe there weren't any in here right now, but I had only seen Lovino twice, and the first time I wasn't even, meant to be in there!

He snorted and laughed loudly but ironically, "Ahaha! Do you think I would be making conversation with a jackass creep like you if I had a lot of visitors?!" He smirked.

I looked a little sad for him, "No family?" Somehow I doubted that this boy had absolutely nobody, that didn't seem to fit in with any aspect to him... Except perhaps the negativity...

He shrugged, pursing his lips, "I guess they try. But quit judging them! They're busy okay!? They actually work you know. They show up every two weeks."

I almost stood up in fright, "Two weeks!? Lovino, how much do these guys work?!" I couldn't believe that they could only find time to visit a loved one every two weeks...

He rolled his eyes at my shock, "Yeah well grandpa never got us any fucking health insurance until it was too damn late, and the only one who can help him pay for some shitty doctor to do fuck all is my brother... So go figure!" He was scowling as he picked at a graze on his knee.

"That's still..." I began. If my mother, heaven forbid, was ill or something I could never cope with only a visit each two weeks. But I guess I didn't really know what Lovino's situation was... So I decided to ask before getting too amazed at the lack of contact Lovino and his family got, "Why are you in here?"

He turned to me looking totally exasperated, "Becuase I'm sick, dumbass! Do you even know what a hospital is for, duckweed?! Sick people!"

I looked at him as he flew off the handle again with wide eyes before starting to laugh loudly. 'Dickweed'! Gosh, he was so _violent_! "No, no... Oh Lovi..." I tried again, "I'm asking what sickness you have."

He clicked his tongue in irritation, "Don't fucking shorten my name like you know me. Besides, I told you last night, so you wouldn't have to waste air if you do some damn listening- I'm dying."

The laughter stopped. It stopped right there. "W-What?"

"I'm dying." He repeated louder as if it was just the case that I had misheard, "I have brain tumour and your yaking probably isn't helping! Do you even have any idea where you are? This is the ward for the terminally ill."

I had no idea what ward I was in. I hadn't been paying attention in the slightest bit. My lips were parted as I felt like someone had hit me in the stomach. I hadn't expected this, "Oh my..."

"Yeah." He was sharp, "I only have 6 months left, which is around 15552000 minutes, two of which I just wasted explaining this shit to you because you don't have a fucking attention span, so you better be satisfied! Com-prend-e?"

I didn't know what to say... This couldn't be right, not when Lovino seemed so... _Full of life_! It just felt impossible that he might- or rather- he _would_ be so sick and have his life ending before he even got to explore it...

'I'll get out of here when I'm dead' is what he told me last night. I hadn't thought much of it, passed it off as him being cynical then.

Ah. So he meant it.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: I like this one so far, I like it a lot... I hope you're enjoying it too!  
Thanks for reading, as always, remember to review!_

**Chapter Two.**

**Be Together for a While**

I felt a little bad for leaving Lovino alone again so soon after finding out about the poor kids condition... I sort of wrapped it up after things revealed themselves and left him alone again.

Left him where I found him.

Alone and unhappy.

In his bright soft clothing on that bed, waiting to die.

I felt really, really bad about leaving him there...

But after I heard about how Lovino had just six months I knew I had to leave. I was worried how I might act if I stuck around and I felt like sitting there tiptoeing around poor Lovino because I felt sorry for him would be a lot worse than getting out of there...

But he stayed with me all day... It seemed strange that I kept on thinking of him as I made the most of my day off, he was very pretty, but not really that remarkable as a person. I would hate to think that he only stayed with me like that because he seemed so unusually angry and negative, but the thing was, that I kinda think that was the reason.

I painted my front door that morning; it needed done, so I made it blue. Then I had lunch inside before washing my patio down for the summer, the dirt in there was incredible. By the time I was through all that I was worked to the bone so tried to sew some ragged pillow cases after dinner until bed. It wasn't quite working... I was never great with sewing and things so I decided to give up and take it in to work tomorrow, one of my waiters was really nimble with his fingers. Even though this was a day I got off from my work at the cafe, there was stuff to do at home- it never really stopped. I had to keep working! At least it kept me in shape.

The next day was work again! I couldn't afford to laze around at home; I had to keep a business running. Though even as I opened up that morning I thought a little more of Lovino. Even though I was doing so much Lovino had to sit in that dingy room on his own...

I had to confess, I really wanted to visit him again. Not because I felt sorry for him so much, but I kinda just wanted us to talk a little more and maybe I could take another crack at helping him feel better and cheer him up... Even with the circumstances.

I had just got the chairs down from the table when my oldest waiter showed up. Feliciano was seriously a gift as a worker, he was a young Italian guy and he came in every day, he was my only full time one and was really good, we had been together almost since this place opened. He was bright and smiley, he made everyone want to be there and so I did my best to be his friend, knowing I wouldn't do almost as well without him. So, yeah, perhaps he did have to take some time whenever a customer was cruel to him to calm down and he cried a lot... If someone who looked big and mysterious came in he was notorious for putting off serving them until they got angry because he was scared... But that didn't stop him usually being really great!

We greeted each other and he went to the cloak room before coming back to join me, "Happy Tuesday!" He smiled as he stretched, joining me. We were officially open for the day, but knew better than to expect anyone to turn up for a little while yet.

I smiled back at him, "Yeah, Happy Tuesday!" I watched as he took a seat at a vacant table, "How was your day off?" I wondered if I should mention Lovino.

He looked at me cluelessly for a moment before blinking and seeming to come to his senses, "Oh! That... It was fine." He looked to the ceiling for a moment, "Do you think Ludwig will come in today?"

I raised my brow, "Oh it's Ludwig now? The other day it was still 'Mr. Beilshmidt', right?" I teased.

Ludwig was one of those big scary types but he seemed to have a real soft spot for Feli, and Feli had really seemed to warm to the big guy. It was cute to see both of them make those eyes at each other across the room when they thought no one was looking! I was sure they liked each other... Maybe they just needed a little push to stop pretending that they were just a customer and a waiter.

Feliciano put his hands over his eyes and giggled, blushing at my observation, "'Toni!" He put his hands down, "I really think he's nice..."

I sat on the counter, watching him get flustered, "Well you know he really thinks you're sweet too, right?"

"Ve?" Feliciano seemed to be totally unaware that he had admirers. Ludwig wasn't the only one, but since he came in every day we were open I sort of considered him to be the most dedicated one, "He's just polite..."

I shook my head, "Not true!" I moved over to him and ruffled up his hair, "Come on, Feli, you like him, don't you? He likes you! There's nothing to stop you!" I grinned and clapped my hands together.

He frowned and look remorseful , "I don't really know 'Toni... I'm not sure it would really all work so well." He sounded a little down, "I think I would like to go out with him, but it isn't all so easy!"

I sighed and tilted my head, I'm sure Feliciano could be taken on one date and not come out any worse off but before we could go into that the early bird arrived. The early bird tended to be different every day, but was still sort of one being. Whoever the early bird was, he or she would kick-start it all off and before we knew it there'd be a queue of people all there for us and we'd be begging our part-time worker Michelle to hurry! We knew she came in as fast as she could but living so far away, she could only come in two hours after opening time. Feliciano and I both did wonder why she made a commute like that, but she made beautiful pastries so we never decided to ask, we didn't want her to see sense and quit so she could work somewhere closer!

Once Michelle arrived, Feli and I calmed down. She was in until and during the lunch rush then she left, she was a mother just getting back into work, see? I was really proud of her; she only started working again two months ago and was doing really great!

Around the time Michelle left there was a lull in the day. Just a few still lingered, Feli and I were pretty much just free to chat,

It was then when I remembered my pillow case, "Hey Feliciano, you think Arthur would mind helping me out patching up a pillow case? I don't think I can do it alone." I knew I asked a few favours from my staff, but they could ask things of me too! Of course they could! I had done gardening for Femke in the past! I liked the thought that we were one big family, I didn't want them to see me as their boss so much... We were friends.

Feliciano shrugged, "I don't think he'd mind... Or I could do it." He looked somewhat nervous, "'Toni, do you think he's coming today?" He sighed, wringing his hands together.

Ludwig hadn't made an appearance yet.

I was actually sort hoping he wouldn't notice... I didn't want Feli to get upset, "Hey, now..." I started to reassure him, "He's probably tied up with work. There's a while until closing time! He'll be here." I did believe that Ludwig would show. He was smitten with Feli, he wouldn't miss a day!

It was then that Feli chose to worry, "Maybe something happened!" He put a hand to his mouth, "'Toni what if he got hurt somehow?" It was amazing how Feli could pretend that he didn't want to be with this guy.

I smiled at him, "He'll be fine! He's just not here yet."

I wondered if anyone got worried about Lovino when he stopped turning up places. He sure didn't act like he felt missed. I hoped he was doing okay...

I decided then that if I wanted to help Lovi's quality of life in his last months, then sitting and hoping for him wasn't really gonna cut it. Not only that, but I wanted to visit him again. I wanted to talk to him.

I would do that the next morning. I could be there with him for at least two hours before opening up that day, and my evenings weren't so great for that kind of thing.

Ludwig came in twenty minutes after Feli had been all worried, looking ruffled but immediately warming when Feliciano hurried over the moment he sat down. Things worked out for the good for Feli that day.

I just had to make things go nicely for Lovino too now.

**.oO0Oo.**

"I brought you another coffee!" I held up the steaming cup as I entered Lovino's room, keeping a smile on my face.

Lovino gave me a strange look as he pulled one ear bud from his ear, sitting forward from his reclined music listening position, "The hell?" He asked quietly as I offered him the drink, "I never told you to get this!"

He stared at the cup like it was a trap. His nose wrinkled and his hands gripping his bed sheets.

I kept holding the cup where it was, it was his, he should take it, "I got it anyway." I sort of spoke the obvious, "I thought if I was coming here I might as well do something good!"

His eyes flicked to my encouraging expression before slowly taking the cup, "About that. When the hell did I tell you that you could come back in here?" He almost spilled his drink as he quickly leaned forward as he noticed me going to sit on the end of his bed, "Stop! Don't sit there! There's a chair here for a damn reason." He nodded to the teal plastic chair that sat abandoned near his bedside.

I looked at it, then at him, "But I always sit here..." Honestly I didn't really think I had been visiting long enough for anything I did to become routine... But he never objected before.

He sat back watching me, "Not today. Hit the chair or hit the road."

I swallowed and let silence hang as I walked to the chair, lifting it over to his bedside. I slowly sat; we shared a glance as I was on the way down, a symbol of my surrender of the place on the bed.

He gave a long blink, finished paying attention to me now that I wasn't on his bed.

I clasped my hands on my lap, "Are you angry at me?" I asked, candid with how I was reading his attitude.

He rolled his eyes but couldn't hide his cheeks tinting pink, "Not especially. I always am a little." He suddenly seemed to explode, just a little, "Why the hell would I be!?"

I wet my lips, "I did walk out on you the other day... I'm sorry Lovi! I didn't know how to handle what you told me." I pushed back my hair, fiddling nervously, "You probably get that a lot. I was rude, I know." It felt good to tell him that.

He tilted his head back, "Yeah, yeah! Shut up you sound like a freak!" He put his hand out to stop me saying more, "Whatever."

I picked at my nail, I wanted him to understand that I knew it was mean to walk out on him, but he was telling me to stop talking. It was a dilemma!

I decided to carry on, but not give him a long speech, "I just want you to know we're still friends! If you want to be!"

He gave a short laugh, "Who said anything about being friends? I don't even ask you to show up yet you appear out of nowhere like some kind of jackass!" He blew out his cheeks and folded his arms, "Everyone tries to coddle me when they find out I'm gonna die. Them telling me their shit won't change a fucking thing! If you're here to do that then fuck off!" He snapped quickly.

I smiled slightly, the reason I left it because I worried that I'd do that, "I'm not." I assured him quietly, "I just left because I wasn't really sure how I was meant to behave..." I could feel myself about to explain my actions again.

"Well it's not like I even asked you to be there in the first place!" He put his hand to his forehead, "You wipe the goddamn energy from me."

I leaned forward, "Do you forgive me?"

I could see his jaw clench in irritation, "Not like I was ever really that mad."

I smiled slightly, "Lovi, you so were! It's okay now, right? I'm not gonna walk out this time!"

I expected some sharp reply but there was nothing. Did I say a bad thing?

Lovino was still, looking blankly at his hands resting in his lap,

"Lovino?" I gently prodded his arm, just slightly to make sure he was in there.

In return he let out a shaky breath, suddenly he seemed really upset.

He swallowed, "Every time I tell someone that I'm dying they stop treating me like a human fucking being..." He sniffed and I didn't say anything, just let him take his time, "They quit talking to me or start being all careful around me! They start tiptoeing around me and then I start thinking they only even speak to me at all because they know I'll be gone soon! It's crap!" He scrubbed at his eyes before anything could appear in them, "It's not fair! I'm still m-me! I never changed because of a damn tumour!" His body betrayed him and a sob came out, "I'm still... Agh!" He gave a frustrated yell at how his voice tripped over itself and drove his fist into the mattress next to him.

"Hey now..." I started before stopping myself. I was still looking at him and seeing a weak young boy whose life was ending. No wonder he was so desperate not to cry there, he was desperate to prove his strength,

"Lovi," I started again, "I'm not going to be like that." I put a hand firmly on his shoulder, making sure that I was touching him as a solid, not glass about to shatter, "You're dying but that's okay!" Those words felt bad on my tongue, they sounded wrong but they didn't mean what they made out, I was trying to tell him that I wasn't going to let death hinder our talks together. I promised to be a friend, because it was so obvious that he wanted one, even if he treated me like I should never return to him.

I think he understood.

He blew his nose, "You're so full of crap..." He told me, but I knew he meant that he got me.

I just laughed, "So are you gonna be okay?" I asked, just in case he wanted to say more.

He hit me lightly on the arm, "I'm fine, shut up! I was never upset!"

I considered lecturing him on how sadness was okay and natural but I decided against it. Instead, he would probably prefer it if I moved on completely,

"So..." I eyed him from my seat, "How have you been? Did anything exciting happen since we last met?"

I was at the point of realisation that when Lovi was in here the whole time the topic of conversation for the two of us was a little limited.

"Nothing happened. Nothing at all." I kinda have to say, I expected that answer a little.

However it still disappointed me, "So are you gonna let this be it for the next six months? Doing nothing?"

He raised a brow and smirked, "Heh. If I'm lucky, I'll be so bored out of my mind by the time I go, that I'd rather be dead anyway."

I frowned, this really was no way to think, "You think that's okay? Is that what you want?"

That seemed to irritate him a little, "Well who the hell are you to act so high and mighty about it!? It's not like I get out much! What am I _supposed _to do?"

I sat back in my chair, "Aren't you allowed to go out?" He seemed stable. There wasn't anything about how he acted that made me think that he wasn't allowed a few little day trips.

He shrugged, "If I wanted. But what the hell would I do?"

I watched his face pensively. I was going to help Lovino enjoy the time he had left. I would make it happen no matter how cynical he was!

He did have a point though what would we actually do together? Sure I could take him out, maybe to see a movie or for lunch but that all seemed so mundane! I wanted to do more than that! I wanted something special for him!

Suddenly it hit me, something he would definitely love, and great for his situation.

"How about a bucket list?" I suggested. Everyone made themselves a bucket list at some point, it was almost like a will. Even if they never wrote it down and numbered what they wanted to do and see, I don't think there's anyone who hasn't considered the stuff they wanted to do before time ran out. I bet Lovino wasn't gonna be an exception!

"A bucket list?" He repeated.

I nodded several times, "Yeah, you know... A list of all the-"

"I know what a damn bucket list is!"

"Do you have yours?"

He paused, "Yeah. But why should I give all that embarrassing shit to you?"

I smiled widely, "We'll complete it together! I'll help you!" I was starting to really like my own plan.

He laughed, "You know no one actually completes those stupid things, right?"

I frowned, not seeing how we should let that kind of thing deter us, "Then you can be the first! How cool would that be?" I felt like he could be warming a little to this.

He sighed loudly before reluctantly nodding to the cabinet in his nightstand beside me, "Get me the green notebook."

I was quick and excited to obey! I almost threw myself off the chair as I kneeled to open the cabinet.

Wow... Lovino certainly crammed enough of his possessions in there to make himself at home! There were chargers, books, tissues, gaming consoles, and a whole lot more stuffed in there. Dozens of games stacked up but luckily I found the notebook quite easily! It was squeezed between CDs and DVDs of movies and bands I didn't even know of. I pulled out the thin, ragged book like it was extremely precious as I gave it to him.

He handled it a little less cautiously as he grabbed it from me and muttered Italian words that I guessed I would rather not here translated.

He flicked through the pages, scanning them all as he moved through the book before stopping, reading it more carefully before hesitantly handing the book back again.

"Don't laugh!" He warned.

I nodded absently as I was struck by his neat pretty hand writing. He spoke so sharp and angrily that his narrow and curved hand writing was again not matching to how he spoke and acted.

I read each bucket list item carefully, if it was important to him, it was now important to me!

Some were crossed out, ones he had done and completed... It was kinda nice to see that he had been making an effort to do these things, even if he hadn't done so in a while.

His list was-

Learn to swim  
Pay back Grandpa  
Ride a hot air balloon  
Cook a meal all from scratch (this was crossed off)  
Explore Italy  
Plant a tree (this was crossed off too)  
Spend a whole night in a pillow fort and watch movies  
Spend all weekend having a good time  
Accept death (It broke my heart to see this one crossed off)  
Sing karaoke  
A night that I go to sleep with everything feeling right

So as I looked over this I started to realise that in the time we had to do all of this, completing Lovi's list may not be possible.

However we could really try!

I gave it another read over, there were a few things on here that were a little more long term, like learning to swim (Lovino didn't know how to swim?) which might be hard. He was still sick; we couldn't overwhelm him so much by being full on. Exploring Italy would also be hard... I don't think either of us had that kind of money, and I had no idea what he meant by paying back his grandpa...

As I thought about it, Lovino shoved my arm lightly, "Hey! Don't just sit there!"

I blinked and came back to earth, smiling at him, "Sorry, Lovi! This looks great!" This was sincere, and some of it we could certainly get through, "Are you excited to get going?"

He took back the book to give it another look over himself, "We can't do all this crap." He even looked a little disappointment... My heart sank. He was actually getting excited? It would be such a shame for him to think that we wouldn't really be able to do something when he was finally getting hopeful after goodness knows how long...

I sat up straight, sudden determination brewed! "We will do it all!" I gripped his metal bed frame, "You'll love it! You'll see..." I laughed, my heartbeat going up with excitement, "We're gonna do together, Lovino."

He met my eyes and I almost gasped as I saw a small smile, "Really?" He scratched the back of his neck, "Okay."

I looked at the notebook in his lap. He tore out the page with his bucket list on it, folded it once and handed it to me without a word. He trusted me with this before I left him alone enough for him to get negative and change his mind.

We just couldn't wait to start!


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: I have to apologise for how long this ended up :O But there wasn't really a good place to cut it so here ya go, all in one. I also apologise for the lack of a certain rowdy Italian..._

_Thank you so much for reading, guys! I love all the reviews so far, don't forget to keep it up! ;D_

**Chapter Three**

**Uno, Deux, Drei**

With the bucket list in my care, I had decided that it was my job to do what needed to be done and prioritise before we did anything. We couldn't just jump right in! I had to think about how, when, where half the stuff would happen. We could do some stuff, like make a pillow fort, easily! But a hot air balloon ride and others might take a little more thinking about.

I reserved all this complicated stuff for at home and when I went to see Lovi the next day we didn't really mention the bucket list, I decided then that I was going to be spontaneous with all our activities! I wasn't going to _tell_ him that we were going to something in two weeks and a certain thing on a certain day; I was just going to take him out and give him a surprise!

As I left for work I did mention that it was my day off again the next day but he denied me another visit. I was hurt at first, but then he told me that it was the one day that his Grandpa and brother were coming to see him. I knew then that I should stay away, give those three some privacy. I could have been there but wouldn't that be so rude? I couldn't take away any time those guys had by being there, needing introduced and making them feel like they needed to include me, blah, blah blah.

I would see him that Friday, and I was thinking of closing the cafe a little early so I could maybe see Lovi in the afternoon and take him out somewhere. It didn't have to be a bucket list trip, just a friendly one- I think he was warming up to me.

I hoped I wasn't up too early to make a call; I listened to the phone ring and glanced at the bedside clock. It was only eight in the morning, and I happened to know that who I was calling wasn't exactly an early riser,

I felt a little relief when there was a click and a groggy voice on the other end, "_Oui_?"

I grinned as I gripped the phone, "Francis! It's 'Toni!" I knew it was far too early for Francis to be doing such bothersome things as check who was calling. He probably hadn't even opened his eyes.

"'Toni!" He suddenly seemed to perk up, "_Mon dieu_!" I could hear a rustle, "I thought you had forgotten me!"

I laughed and lay back, "I called you the other week. How's Gil'?"

I could hear a sort of snort, "Disgustingly unromantic with his little bird, I don't know why the sweet boy stays with him."

I grinned to myself, cradling the phone to my ear, "So they're okay?" I felt warmth spread through me as I spoke with my old friend. I was only supposed to call Francis, I was going to ask about hot air balloon rides. Francis' job was to take people on helicopter rides; just for fun and stuff, and I guessed with a job like that it was possible Francis knew where I could go for a hot air balloon ride with Lovi. Not only that but I was pretty certain he and Gil' were on one just last year.

I heard Francis sigh, "So they say."

I bit my lip. I missed Francis a lot. I had left the town I went to high school in with those guys and started the cafe up the minute we graduated. None of us three went to college, but my two best friends, Francis and Gilbert still stayed behind, the place we grew up in was bigger, it had more opportunity! They really tried to convince me, they told me that I could start a cafe anywhere and they were right, I probably could. They still didn't manage to get me to stay with them; I'm not really sure why I didn't say yes to them.

"Hey, Francis?" I asked chirpily.

I could hear a loud noise of his coffee machine, "Hm?"

"Mind if I go see you guys?" I stood up and moved to the wardrobe, "It's been a long time."

There was a pause, the question catching Francis off guard, "See us? Today? But 'Toni, you're a three hour drive away!"

"Not if I take the train!" I insisted, "I can be there in two if I take the train, right?"

He sighed, "_Oui_, if you like..." He chuckled over the phone, "Shall I get the troupe back together?"

I smiled, "Yup, call Gil', we're getting lunch!" I grabbed some clothes and balanced the phone on my shoulder as I hopped around trying to get into my boxers.

I could feel Francis' grin over the phone, "I like the idea... You'll be here in a few hours?"

"Half eleven." I told him, the next train was in an hour.

He yawned, "Alright. I suppose I'll have to make myself presentable."

I laughed, when Francis said 'presentable' he didn't mean the same thing as me, not by a long shot. Francis would be styling his hair, putting on a pressed linen shirt, maybe accessorise with a silk necktie...

He heard my laughter over the line, "What?! Is there something wrong with me making an effort?!"

"It's fine, it's fine!" I headed to the kitchen, "See you in a few hours, bye, Francis!"

"_Au revoir_!" He sang before we ended the call.

An unexpected visit to old friends wasn't a bad way to spend my day off!

**.oO0Oo.**

I met Francis in a fast food place and it turns out I was right about the whole dressing up for a fancy dinner thing. I felt inadequate next to him in my baggy t-shirt and jeans, even though I probably looked more in place here.

We exchanged a look from across the room and he stood up to greet me, "Antonio, _mon dieu_!" He didn't care that he was calling across a very busy restaurant.

I opened my arms as I made my way over. It was a relief every time I came to see that our relationship as friends hadn't really changed so much, I did worry.

We met and gave a friendly hug, "'Tonio, have you grown?" He put his fingers to his lips. He was probably acting this way because when he acted all dramatic in front of Gilbert, Gil' might smack him and tell him he was being dumb.

I laughed, "Francis, I'm not your kid!" I batted him lightly on the forehead with the back of my hand.

He immediately recoiled, rubbing his head, "Oh! Could it be!?" He looked at me in shock, "Antonio laid a malicious hand on me!?" Tears sprung to his eyes.

It was such a talent Franics had, he oozed drama and he changed his attitude amazingly quickly. I told him once he should be an actor, he just laughed but I still believe what I said.

I sat opposite and I felt like he was gonna go on but his eyes were drawn to the window, "Look who's here."

"Hm?"

We watched as Gilbert made his way across the empty parking lot. He wore a lot of black, and a lot of leather. His jacket was leather, his pants were leather, and he had on a shirt for a band that looked far too dark for me to know them.

Francis wrinkled his nose, "Honestly..." He tutted, "It's far too hot to dress like that."

I couldn't help but agree a little, "At least he's got some shades on." Gilbert couldn't really take the sunlight too well. He was an albino after all.

I smiled. Both my friends were a little weird. Gilbert was always in black leather or wasn't dressed to face the outside world, no in between, he was an albino, a punk rocker, and a guy who had never seemed to have grown out of his rebellious high school phase.

Meanwhile Francis was passionate and dramatic. He was incredibly romantic but stayed single, and liked to see himself as the mature voice of reason amongst us, despite Gilbert hiving to pick him up from places a lot because Francis had overdone it on the wine.

"Hey losers." Gilbert grinned as he sat down with us, "What's up?"

It was nice to see that Gilbert hadn't changed a bit either- he was still brash and loud, yet somehow landed himself a sweet, gentle, quiet boyfriend who seemed to be totally besotted with him.

I figured I might as well move on straight into my reason for coming to see them, "I'm actually here to ask something..." I looked between them, hoping to create some suspense, "Guys, I've taken on a mission!"

The other two exchanged a bewildered look.

Francis leaned forward, "A mission?" Gilbert slowly leaned in too, like we were a bunch of conspirators.

"That's right!" I rubbed my hands together, "I've met a guy who has..." I trailed off. How did I put this? 'Some issues'? 'Some health problems'?

What would Lovino say? He hated it when people spoke differently to him, so why would it be different when I was talking about him? I wasn't to tiptoe around him. If he were here, he'd want me to tell these two the cold hard facts. He was dying. That's all there was too it. No frills, or dodging sensitive words.

"I'm helping a friend who's terminally ill." I finished, this time with my voice void of excitement now that I was just speaking as it was. It suddenly didn't see so fun to talk about my little 'mission' anymore.

Francis blinked, "Oh..." His voice was a low whisper, "You have a friend who's dying?"

Gilbert sat back again, "That's _Shisse_." He stated bluntly.

There was a long silence that none of us seemed to want to fill. I don't think these really expected the conversation to go this way. No so quickly anyway.

I looked down. I felt a little bad for throwing that on them. They hadn't met Lovino, they didn't get to see him like I did, all they could see was a poor ill patient, full of suffering and pain. They weren't treated to see how feisty he was. How strong he was.

"I'm getting food." Gilbert stood up abruptly and left us, walking to the counter to treat us three to lunch.

A few minutes after he was gone, and after a long, long pause, Francis tapped my hand, "What's the matter with this friend?" He asked softly.

I smiled humourlessly at him, "It's a brain tumour." I gave a small sigh, "He's got six months to live."

Francis put his head in his hands, "_Merde_." He looked genuinely troubled, "The poor soul. _Mon ami_, how did you meet him?"

"I got lost in a hospital." That earned a light chuckle, Francis knew to expect that kind of thing from me, "Remember my urinary tract infection?"

Francis' face crumpled, "'Toni, stop mentioning that!" He batted my hand that rested on the table, "Stop brining that up! It's not what we want to hear about!"

I laughed at his reaction, "It's all cleared up now!" It was a relief to have that thing gone, "But that's why I was there." I continued, "That's how I found him; I ended up wandering the wards." I looked into Francis' sky blue eyes, "He really, really, really needed a friend. I really, really, really wanted to be that friend."

"So where do we come into it?"

Gilbert's voice had joined ours seamlessly.

I looked at him in surprise. He stood at the end of our table with a tray laden with food.

"You heard us?" I asked. I had to admit, if Gil' had heard us on his way over, even with Francis and I speaking in soft tones, that was pretty impressive!

He raised his brow, "No way?" He laughed loudly, "I just jumped in with a random line! I can't believe that fit!" He put his palm to his brow, "That was great, I'm great."

I laughed with him; it was good to see he was okay after the bombshell I dropped.

Gilbert sat back down and we served up our food. Francis obviously didn't approve and made some comments about how little love and attention was given by the chefs preparing our meal, but Gil' and I knew he'd eat it just the same. As much as he wished it, Francis couldn't eat gourmet every day.

"So." Gilbert restarted our initial conversation through a mouthful of burger, "Tell us everything."

I nodded and put down my own half eaten burger, "I've met a guy and he's not got long. He thinks he's all ready to die, but the way he acts and talks is so sad I know it can't be true. He's not depressed guys, he doesn't want to die, but he just lets the time he had pass him by because he thinks that it's just all over now."

"He hasn't been milking the teats of life?" Francis asked, his expression earning him a disgusted look from Gilbert.

"That's right." Even though the way Francis phrased it was a little weird, he was absolutely right.

"Ah. Dreadful."

I nodded enthusiastically, "Right?! I think he's been like that since he got ill, and the whole thing makes me so sad, guys! Even when he says he doesn't want sympathy. He barely gets visitors, not even his family who apparently have to work a lot because his health wasn't insured. He's all alone. He was even so surprised when I came to see him again that he got suspicious!"

"You're just gonna be best buddies with him?" Gilbert asked, concern written on his sharp features.

I nodded, "That's right; I'm helping him live life."

Gilbert looked to Francis there, but got nothing back. He waited for a reaction before realising that he wasn't getting anything and giving up, going it alone, "'Toni... Do you really think this is a great idea?"

I looked at him blankly, "What?" I tried and failed to read him, "Gil', how could it not be?"

He sighed and shrugged, "Well, you know... If he's on the way out, do you really want to put yourself in a position to get attached to him?"

My eyes widened. Gilbert didn't really say that, did he? I tried to look at this from his perspective. Maybe it wasn't the best situation for him to see me in. Lovino wasn't even really tangible as a person to him yet either, so forgetting how Lovi felt might have been easy for him...

But I couldn't accept his point of view, "I do think it's a good idea actually, because he and I are friends." I explained.

Gilbert still didn't look convinced, "Are you sure you don't just want this because you're the one needing to feel needed? Maybe you're just so attracted to this because you're lonely and want to be friends with another lonely person." Before I could deny him adamantly he continued, "How many other friends do you have back there?"

"I have my co-workers!" I insisted with conviction.

"They're _employees_."

"Gil', they're still my friends!" I was getting heated. Gilbert was never usually like this! I couldn't understand it!

"'Tonio, I know you want that, but your still their boss! To them you're still the one with the whip!"

I swallowed. That hurt. He might have been right a little but he knew how hard I worked to make us a family...

I changed the subject back to what mattered, "That's got nothing to do with Lovino. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't leave him! I really like being his friend!"

Gilbert rubbed his temples, "But he's going to _hurt_ you. He's gonna leave you!" He looked to Francis again who had been avoiding looking at both of us, "Hey, don't you get it? Come on, you're always so fucking quick to say what you think."

I didn't even give poor Francis the chance to agree or disagree, "Lovino is my friend! He really is! And he needs my help!"

Gilbert made a sound of frustration, "Who cares!? He'll be gone before we know it!"

That's when Francis really did throw his piece in, "Gilbert!" He snapped loudly, "This is a human being you're talking about! This could just as easily be Matthew we're discussing!"

That's when Gilbert stopped. If he could go pale, at that moment he would have. He realised what he had said.

"Oh _Gott_..." He looked pained, "Antonio, I'm sorry."

I smiled at him a little. I couldn't be angry at Gilbert, he was only trying to take care of me... I understood his frustration, even if I couldn't really accept it.

"You are my brother." He continued, "I just don't want to see you hurt."

I put my hand on his, immediately forgiving him, "But I'm a big guy." I reminded him warmly, "I can make my own choices. I know Lovi and I only have one direction to go in, but that's not something I chose to let stop me!" I looked at them both, "Lovino is very dear to me. Just like you both are."

Francis grinned, "Well said, _mon ami_, I understand!" He laughed and smeared some ketchup on Gilbert's cheek, "Even if this buffoon does not."

"Hey!" He rubbed it off and stuck his tongue out at Francis, "Now go ahead and tell us your plan. I will _try_ to be okay with this."

Gil' and I exchanged a look and I knew for sure his intentions were sincere. The three of us guys really did love each other like brothers after all. I had to realise that these two would be protective, and there was no doubt that I was going to be hurt when Lovino finally left me at the end of this. He also didn't really mean that I had no friends, he only really told me that because he needed to debunk my argument.

A smile played on my lips as I told them what I was doing, "I'm helping him complete his bucket list!"

That really got Francis going; he lit up, "A bucket list- how perfect!" He clapped his hands together, "Let me guess! To make love under the stars! To ride white horses over the beach! To visit the most beautiful galleries and get lost in art!"

I laughed at how animated Francis was, "Not quite so extravagant!" Gosh, good thing I wasn't helping Francis complete his list...

"Well what's on there?" I was good to see Gilbert get interested.

I thought back to the list, which was actually sitting on my kitchen table, "Simple pleasures." I told them, that's what summed it up, "Making a blanket fort and watching movies... Falling asleep happy..."

Francis looked totally taken aback, "You mean he's never fallen asleep happy?"

I chewed my lower lip as I slowly shook my head... Now it was said... That was really concerning.

"_Mon dieu_!" Francis looked shell-shocked, "How long has he been sick!? He sounds miserable."

How long had he been ill? Lovino seemed pretty far in, and like he was totally used to his condition... It might have been years! Most of his life maybe.

I didn't answer Francis, "You know that hot air balloon ride you guys went on a few months ago?" I asked

They both perked, "That was the trippiest thing I ever did!" Gilbert exclaimed.

I laughed, "Well the whole reason I'm here is to ask about it! Was it good? Were the company running it okay?"

Francis nodded vigorously, "Babar Balloons! It was incredible! That is..." Francis looked at Gilbert, "Even with the German one leaving me as the third wheel."

Gilbert took offence to that, "Hey! I just gave a moment for Mattie and I!"

"Matthew was there?" Gosh Matthew seemed to be involved with these two a lot... I had never even met him...

Oh no, I wasn't jealous, was I?

Well maybe a little, but how could I not be! These two had a whole life without me when we used to vow to never do stuff without each other! But it wasn't like I resented Gilbert's boyfriend, he couldn't help it if I felt replaced!

I felt replaced?

Francis was still talking, not having noticed my conflict, "And yet I was left on the sidelines!" He wiped away an invisible tear, "Oh the _betrayal_!"

Gilbert grabbed a handful of Francis' fries and launched them at our French friend, "Fuck you!"

Francis gave a short scream, "This shirt can't be covered in your grease stains, you imbecile!"

As amusing as I found this I needed to stop them, "Guys, guys!" I laughed, "We'll get kicked out!"

Gilbert flipped Francis off who seemed to wince at the pain the gesture caused him.

"You need to take a hot air balloon trip with this kid? Shit, well at least never being on one is actually normal." Gilbert stayed civil with me. Francis was still inspecting the damage that the fries did to his shirt... Poor guy!

I smiled brightly, "That's right!"

Gilbert took a slurp of his coke, "Well that's a good thing we liked it, right? Babar's is the only place that does hot air balloons in a six hour radius."

My eyes widened a little. I didn't know that...

"How do I book?" I had better get that done now to be safe... If I booked now, it'd be okay, right?

Francis seemed to have decided he wasn't in a bad enough state to warrant an emergency trip to the bathroom, "We can take you to the guy's office! He's based near here!"

"That'd be great! Thanks!" I replied enthusiastically. If I could get this done then that would already be one thing ready to go!

We finished up with talk about other random stuff, which was a nice change from all the heavy stuff before heading out to book this thing. Gilbert said we'd get this over with and then forget about it all and have some fun as a threesome again. He didn't even mention bringing his boyfriend into this, which I felt guilty about liking. I just wanted it to be like the old times!

I was surprised to find the place that I was taken to was small scale. Babar's was a business run by one guy. I kinda like that; it would make it more personal for Lovi and I!

The man behind the desk smiled and stood up and smiled when he saw the three of us enter, he looked at Gil' and Francis, "Well hey you two! Liked it so much you came to book again?"

He wore a big grin. He was a tall guy around our age with crazy blonde hair that I could only imagine taking hours to style. He looked like he'd get on with these two, he had that air of not quite acting his age about him and I immediately liked him too. I wondered what Lovi would think. I laughed as I thought of that kid reacting to this guy.

Gilbert smirked, "Hey, Mathias! So desperate you wanna recyle customers?"

The other guy, Mathias, laughed, "Why else would you come?"

Francis put both his hands on my shoulders, "This young Spaniard requires an wonderful ride, with romance and beauty."

Mathias grinned at me, "You booking?"

I shrugged, "Looks like it, right?"

He laughed, "Absolutely!"

He beckoned me as he took out a huge book and started to rifle through it.

I watched as he went through all the pages, all filled with swirly writing of names next to dates, "You guys are pretty popular..." I noted aloud.

"Ya damn right." He paused to look up and wink at me, "Easy when you're unrivalled."

I leaned forward on the desk as he continued and eventually slowed and stopped, "Okay dude, earliest I can squeeze you in is February! I know what you're thinking! Shit, that's gonna be so cold! I know! Winter is a bitch, but actually if you wrap up you can get a great..."

I couldn't hear him talk after that. February was in ten months... That was way too late! I couldn't do February! He couldn't do February!

"That's the earliest you have!?" I burst in, not sure if I was interrupting him still talking or not.

He looked a little confused, "Yeah... We don't do December or January, man, that's too cold."

Both of those months were too late anyway!

"'Toni..." I heard Gil' behind me, he obviously noticed the problem here too.

I shook my head, "I need something in the next six months!" I told Mathius urgently, "Please, I need something sooner; I really can't do it any other time!"

I felt sick, if I didn't get this then what did I do? Was I really having trouble helping Lovino already? Talking about doing this was the only time he got excited, I couldn't disappoint him!

Mathias shrugged, "That's gonna be hard. Y'know, since people already booked all those slots."

I bit my lower lip, "I really need it before then." I told him pointlessly.

Francis jumped in, "There's nothing you can do? You don't understand, if this isn't booked for some time the next six months then it really wont work."

Mathias shrugged, "You can try and get a stranger to swap with you, but I don't know what they'd say to that."

"Guys..." I looked at my friends, "What am I gonna do, he'll be so upset if we don't do these things!"

Mathias did look worried as I seemed to be breaking down, "Holy guacamole, I don't get what's wrong with February! I can book you in for next summer if the winter really doesn't sound like fun."

I shook my head, "No, no! You don't get it!" I pushed my hair back, "I has to be this summer! I'm begging you!"

He threw up his hands, "What do you expect me to do!?"

I hit my head with the heel of my hand, "I'm sorry... I just really need..." I was pacing now.

Mathias looked at Gilbert, then Francis, "Is he okay?"

"He just genuinely needed this..." Gilbert told Mathias, "We'll talk to him."

Francis agreed and they both approached me, "Come on, _mon ami_. Francis gently took me by the arm leading me to the door.

Once we were out the panic didn't stop, "How do I do this!?" I asked them as Gilbert consoled me with his tight bear hug and Francis supplied the back patting, "You get how much I really want this, right!?"

Francis took both my arms, "Don't you worry! We will save this!"

I blinked back tears, "How?"

The others looked at each other, "We'll make sure you get on that balloon! We will!"

I frowned, my brow creased, "But _how_?"

Gilbert stepped forward, "You leave that one to us. Mathias is our friend so he'll let us find a way. Besides, did you forget what I am?"

I laughed weakly, knowing what was coming next, "Okay, fine Gil'."

He didn't let his last question go though, "No! Tell me what I am!"

"_Mon dieu_..." Francis rolled his eyes.

I was smiling a little more, "I know, the best. You're the best."

He clapped his hands together, "Never forget!"

"How embarrassing." Francis finished his commentary.

Gilbert gave my shoulder a light punch, "You forget about this, as far as your concerned, the hot air balloon is booked. Just leave it to us."

I felt incredibly grateful. How could I have possibly ever felt replaced? I had the best friends in the world.

"You guys... You'd really do this?"

Gilbert laughed loudly, "Remember that time you bailed Francis out of jail for running down the street naked?"

"Or when you saved this one from a bad date by pretending to be his crazy ex for him?" Francis pointed out prodding Gilbert with his index finger.

I laughed loudly at the memories, "Okay, I get it!" These guys did owe me; even in I did love them, "So you'll definitely sort it?"

"Without fail!" Gilbert told me with total confidence.

"Thank you..." I breathed.

I had the best friends in the world. I really, really did.

**.oO0Oo.**

The day had been great once I finally managed to push the disaster with the balloon trip out of my mind. It was a day of pretending we were in high school again, with stupid ideas, people almost getting hurt and us being the trio we always were.

The only difference was we used our real ids to get into the bar at the end of it.

So with the three of us just a little tipsy, we stood at the train station as I said goodbye.

"'Toni!" Gilbert grabbed me, "Let me say something."

He pulled me away from Francis who seemed to be in a heated argument with a vending machine.

"Yeah?" I looked at Gilbert who had a serious expression on.

"I know you maybe don't get why I'm so fussed about you doing that stuff for that Lovino guy..."

Oh, it was this again.

"I told you-"

He stopped me, "I know! I'm not stopping you now! But dude... I'm serious, be safe. He isn't gonna do it on purpose, but he'll hurt you bad when he goes. I don't think you realise how much. Can I tell you something?"

I nodded, "Sure."

"Okay," His expression was serious, his tone steady and low, "Only Francis knows this, and he doesn't really want me to say to many people, but I think I need to... Matties step-brother committed suicide two years ago."

I felt like he had punched me in the gut, "He what?" My voice came out as a whisper on a rush of air.

He gave me a sad smile, "Yeah. I know. It was just as we were getting together and it almost broke the guy apart. He still has really bad days sometimes just thinking about Alfred."

I was still getting over the shock of what I'd been told, "That's..."

Gilbert nodded, "Terrible. I know. After the guy wasn't able to play sports he lost it. He went online and found forums that just made his depression worse before he ODed on whatever drugs they were giving him. I know that's really different, but 'Toni, even if Lovino is going out because of an illness not because of suicide, and you even get some warning, I just want you to know I've seen what grief does." He gripped my shoulders like ivy, "I'm so lucky Mattie was mature enough to handle it, but I wouldn't wish what he went through on anyone. And you're about to put yourself through it all. Do you get where I'm coming from?"

I nodded quickly and thoroughly. How could I have dismissed how Gilbert get like that? "I'm sorry I was so insensitive."

He chuckled, "Don't be. Just remember what I'm telling you, alright? And when it happens... Please talk to Francis and I." Our eyes were fixed on each others, "Please."

I hugged him again. Sadness over what I heard welled up in me and I thought of Alfred, a guy I had never met throwing his life away, "Okay." I nodded.

As sad as I was, I was glad Gilbert said what he did. At least now I didn't feel like he was being overprotective.

I did need to realise that the future was dark.

I needed friends like these.


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: Another really long one but I can't help it! Please keep reviewing! I really couldn't do this without you guys! Thanks for reading!_

**Chapter Four**

**Going Places, Seeing Stuff**

The morning after my day out wasn't so great.

I had already pushed for time the night before, telling myself that it was fine to stay for one more drink with Gil' and Francis, I could always just take the next train home- I didn't need to worry about it!

What I didn't anticipate was that the late train I finally took got delayed halfway home for almost two hours. It was almost one in the morning by the time I stumbled through my front door, totally dizzy from my wearing off tipsy-ness and fatigue. Even after all that, it didn't stop my alarm buzzing loudly at half five the next day. I felt like I had only just closed my eyes and now I had to get back up again!

I considered calling up Feli and telling him I was really sorry but wouldn't be able to open for another hour, just for the sake of trying to sleep off the bad taste in my mouth and the aching drill like feeling in my head for a little longer. I was so tired. I barely ever went to bed much past midnight, and when I did it was because I didn't have work the next day.

But as I contemplated taking a little extra time, I remembered Lovino. I was already closing early just so I could take him out somewhere! I couldn't really afford to open late too.

At least by taking him out later it meant rushing to get ready that morning for a pre-work visit wasn't necessary, and so I was given the small luxury of a long, long hot shower and a cooked breakfast of comfort foods to gently wake me up. At least I got to do this for Lovi!

I ended up making it to the cafe. I got there to see Feli and another of our part time workers, Arthur waiting for me. Maybe I wasn't quite as early as usual, but it was before our opening time so I let it go!

I unlocked and we all made it in, Feli went to put away our jackets and bags for us as Arthur stuck around so he and I set up in the ten minutes we had before we had to turn the sign in the door from reading 'closed' to 'open'.

"Rough night?" I slowly looked up to see Arthur looking over at me as he turned on the coffee machine and Feli hurried around, putting cakes in the showcase cabinet.

"What?" My hand went instinctively to feel at where huge dark bags were hanging obviously under my eyes that morning, "Oh no... Is it really so noticeable?" I looked around for some kind of mirror to inspect the damage, "I did my best to get rid of them!"

Arthur gave a small laugh, "You don't look so awful. You're moving around like a frail elderly man, hungover by any chance?"

At least that brought a smile, "Me? Can you imagine your nurturing, happy boss with a hangover?" I shook my head, "I'm exhausted, I was out late and the train got delayed coming home."

Arthur nodded understandingly as he declared the cafe officially open for the day though a little early, "Night out in another town?"

When Arthur first started here, here and I were _not_ good friends. He was cold, and grumpy, and snappy. He had just graduated from high school last year and had planned to go back home to a university in the UK, where he was from, but he decided to stay with some girl he met, and was now toughing it out here for another year. He and the girl had ended it a while ago but he had committed to another year, he couldn't really change his mind. The girl was gone, he wasn't. At least he seemed to like it here.

I secretly believed that Arthur really liked guys. He never stayed with any girl for long, and I never noticed him actively pursuing one, even the pretty ones that would come in and flutter their eyelashes over the counter at him as they ordered.

It's not like I could push him- even if a cute guy came in and he blushed if their hands even brushed. Arthur seemed to still think he was straight and Feli (who shared my beliefs) and I had to accept that Arthur needed to figure that sort of thing out alone.

He and I had warmed to each other over the past year, it was only a couple of months until he left us, but I was glad to have seen him mellowed a little and he and I understood each other some more. We were even good friends! Not long ago I'd have never thought we'd even be on good terms!

I shrugged, "Something like that. Paying a visit to old friends in Newhurst."

Arthur looked surprised for a moment, "Really?" He gave a small laugh, "I almost went to school there."

I raised my brow, "Wow really?" If Arthur had, it suddenly hit me that if he had gone to that school it was likely he'd know Matthew's step-brother... I imagined someone as young as Arthur taking his life and I felt so sad. The poor boy... I wonder what would have changed if Arthur had decided to go to the school in Newhurst. Would Alfred still be underground at seventeen? Maybe the two would have been friends. Maybe Arthur could have been the one friend he needed.

"What made you decide on here?" I was still light hearted. It would be absolutely ridiculous to blame Arthur for not deciding on Newhurst just because of the slight possibility it could have prevented a death. All kinds of things lead to unrelated consequences. That's how the world works, we just never know what might have happened if we had done things slightly differently!

Arthur watched out the window, "I had to pick a team for cheerleading." He told me matter of factly, "I had to toss a coin in the end. I was set on Newhurst and their high school, but I saw somewhere else just as I was making up my mind and then I couldn't decide."

I nodded understandingly. That's right... Arthur had been a male cheerleader... That seemed so strange! It was hard to imagine him as anyone whose job it was to raise morale! But I heard he was pretty good, he even showed me a clip of them performing and it was far better than I thought! I guess some parts of him just didn't come out when he wasn't a performer.

He nodded to the window and we all watched as our first customer made his way over. It wouldn't be long until we were full of people. I smiled, here we go.

**.oO0Oo.**

I did as I said I would, and an hour before usual, the cafe was shut and Feli and Arthur were allowed to go. I had to get Lovi, he didn't know I was coming, but I thought it might be a nice surprise for him to be taken out.

I asked a nurse I bumped into if it was fine if I took Lovino out for a few hours and she confirmed that as long as I had him back by seven, I could do what I liked with him. That was four hours, plenty time for our trip!

I found his door agar again and I smiled as I poked my head around for a peek at him, "Knock knock..." I stepped into his room.

"What the fuck!?"

His yell was loud and suddenly he grabbed his blanket. He was lying out on the bed, his shirt wasn't on him, it lay by his ankle but then fell to the floor as he desperately covered himself.

I laughed as I watched, that was such an extreme reaction! "Calm down!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me in horror, "Calm down!? You fucking walked in on me topless!" He was wrapped up in the blanket, hiding the smooth skin from me.

I walked to where his shirt fell and picked it up for him he snatched it. I couldn't stop laughing; he was just such an animated person.

He scowled at me, "Go away! I need to put my shirt on!"

I frowned, "Lovi, do I really need to leave the room for that? We're both guys, it's okay!"

He looked at me in shock, "You jackass, it is _not_ okay!" He whipped me on the arm lightly with his shirt, "You want to stare at my chest, don't you!? Uou perverted freak!"

I laughed loudly and turned my back to him, "Is this okay? I can't see you, I promise!" I even put my hands over my eyes.

There was rustling behind me, "Better not have a fucking mirror or something..." He muttered.

I shook my head quickly, "I can't see a thing Lovino..." I gave him a moment to sort himself before asking, "Hey, why were you lying there half naked anyway?"

"I was hot! Duh! What, do you think I _like_ lying like that!?" He lay back and I turned to see him again, "I didn't even think you were coming today now you peek at me without a shirt? What the hell?"

I frowned, "You didn't think I was coming?" I thought he would have expected me by now at least...

He leaned forward and picked at the skin of his bare foot, "Well... Why would I?" He sounded a little unsure of himself...

I tilted my head and leaned forward, "Lovi... We're a team now! I said I'd come today, didn't I?"

He sighed and left his foot alone. They were pretty feet, with small neat toenails and slender ankles. He now wound his arms around his legs tucked to his chest, "Maybe you saw how dumb my bucket list was and pissed off."

I swallowed hard as I suddenly remembered the list. My mind jumped back to the disaster the day before... The fully booked hot air balloon and the panic I felt. It all came back in a rush. I knew I was supposed to leave it to Gilbert and Francis but until they got something secured I wouldn't feel good.

I shook that thought off, I couldn't let Lovi see that worry, not when this was all he seemed to be really looking forward to it.

"Never!" I exclaimed, "I can't wait to get through that!" I smiled at him as his eyes turned to look at me, "When I say I'll visit, I will."

He made a frustrated noise and stretched out, "Easy for you to say!" He snapped, "You never visit in the afternoon! What am I supposed to think!?"

I sighed... Maybe he was right. If I was going to do this, I needed to tell him. It wasn't fair to suddenly change me routine!

"What's your number?" I asked.

He looked at me sceptically, "My phone number?"

I nodded, "That's right! I can call you up or text you when I'm gonna show up, so you don't have to think I've left you!"

He bit his lip for a moment before rolling over and grabbing a smart phone. It was an old model, but it was still a pretty nice looking iphone. I was a little embarrassed as I slowly pulled my battered flip phone out of my pocket.

But he didn't laugh at me, he saw it but didn't make any comments, just calmly read me his number and I gave him his.

"Hey." He had his camera pointed at me, I waved at it, "Quit that, just look at the camera, it's for the caller id."

"Do you want me to pose?" I inched a little closer.

He clicked his tongue, "Whatever, just let me take it!" He pushed my shoulder back, "Stay still!"

"I could just smile?"

He looked like he was about to throw the phone, "I don't care, just look at it and don't move!"

I stuck with just smiling cheerily, I couldn't think of a good pose.

"Finally." He muttered as he tapped my name in as 'jackass'. It was really great to see he already gave me a nickname! I was so glad!

I snapped his photo. The first one I got was one him flipping me off. I told him it was great, and it really did capture his personality, but I deleted it and used the one I snapped moments later of him looking out the window with the sun on his face, his expression neutral. He looked much better in that one.

I shoved my flip phone in my pocket and stood up abruptly.

"Going somewhere?" He looked me up and down. He looked like he had just smelled something really bad.

I grinned, "Yup! And you are too!" I gestured for him to get up, "I'm taking you somewhere!"

He looked a little thrown off, "Out?"

"That's right!" I took his tiny hand in mine and patted it, "You said it yourself, you don't get out much... So let's go out. The nurse told me it was a-okay!"

He stared at my hand in his, "Fine."

I released his hand as he got up out of the bed and went around the other side of it to suddenly produce a bag.

That was easier than I thought. From what I had come to know of Lovi, he liked to debate things, but this time...He just went with it! Just like that!

Maybe he really did need to get out. How long had he been on that bed?

He punched my arm lightly and I realised that I'd been spacing out a little. I blinked and focused on him in front of me. He was taller standing than he looked sitting down. He had a bundle under one arm, "Leave me alone to get changed." He ordered and nodded to the still open door.

I looked him up and down, yeah; he definitely wasn't dressed to go anywhere! He was still in lounge-wear and the clothes he had under his arm looked like they'd actually be fit for whatever we were gonna do.

"I'll just wait outside, _si_?" I pointed to the direction he nodded in.

"Yes!" He walked over to the door and even opened it further for me, "Give me a damn minute."

He watched me as I left, I waved as I stepped out,

"Lovi!" I yelped as I stumbled forward. He had kicked my butt for good measure! "That hurt!"

"Go to hell." I heard him tell me quietly before the door slammed.

I laughed quietly to myself as I waited. This was certainly worth closing early for. If it didn't mean losing money, I'd do this every day! I was just in an all together good mood as I waited on him. I smiled and waved at the doctors that passed, sharing my happiness.

He came out around three minutes later. He was dressed in black skinny jeans, a white t-shirt with a tiny rectangular slogan in black writing in a rectangle over the front of it that just said 'I don't care'. Over it he had a red white and black chequered shirt that was left open. He had a couple of long necklaces on with it, simple ones with tiny charms on the end of them. I looked at one of them and it was a tiny mini totem pole carved intricately out of dark brown wood.

He looked...

Amazing!

But it was such a contrast to the cute bright clothes he was wearing in his hospital bed, it was like he had made a transformation in there!

He noticed me glaring and shoved past me, "What?"

He walked on ahead and I followed. He knew how to dress himself, and in these street clothes he didn't look like he was a hospital patient at all! He just looked like a really attractive young guy.

I didn't catch him up until we were in the elevator together. He leaned against the side and studied me.

I shifted under his gaze and tried to meet his eyes, "You okay?"

He whipped his head away again, "Trying to figure out where you're about to take me."

"By looking at me?" I patted down my person, there was nothing on me to suggest any particular place.

Perhaps that was because I hadn't actually picked anywhere yet...

I could take him to a movie? But that'd be just us sitting in a dark room, and I felt like this guy had done enough sitting around lately.

What else was there? Oh! Perhaps we could have—

"You better not be taking me to get more damn coffee." He told me abruptly.

Oh... Well that ended that train of thought, "Hey, why not?" If we were somewhere nice then that sounded like a great idea to me!

He raised his eyebrows, "I know I asked for it once, but it doesn't mean I want it over and over! You keep brining it in for me, I've had enough!"

"It was only twice!"

"Too much, dammit!"

We arrived on the ground floor and headed for the exit together and I nodded, "Okay. Not coffee..." I shrugged, there wasn't much left but, "How about a walk?"

He shot me a look, "A walk?"

"Well... Yeah!" Our town was pretty and he wanted to stretch his legs, right? "We can talk; get to know each other..."

He looked to the ground as we made it out into the glaring April sun, "I guess." He looked ahead, cupping his hand to shade his eyes from the brightness, "Fine! Take me on a walk."

I felt triumphant, at least he agreed! I made a mental note that we'd take a route the finished at the big fountain and we'd spend sometime there.

We started side by side in silence, I desperately thought of something to fill it. I said we'd talk, didn't I? Just walking in silence wouldn't be interesting.

"When did you last get out and around?" I decided that this was semi-safe small talk, besides, the whole reason I decided that this was the thing to do with him was because he said himself that he didn't really get out.

He sighed and looked around, "I've been in that fucking room for almost three weeks." He stretched his arms out as we walked, "I'm in and out so the doctors can play pretend like they're doing shit to help me."

I bit my lip and looked at him. I remembered a question Francis had put to me the day before. About how long Lovi had been ill,

"You do that a lot?" It'd be a little rude to go right in that, so I figured I'd just try and figure it out by the conversation.

"Ha! Too fucking much!" He gave an ironic laugh, "I lost count. I stink of hospital even when I'm at home now."

I ran my fingers down his arm with a sympathetic look, "I'm sorry it's so hard."

He pulled his arm away, "Shut the hell up. I'm used to it."

I moved in front of him and walked backwards, "Tell me about it." I wanted to know the whole life story.

He scowled at me, "The fuck are you doing, jackass?! You're blocking my damn view! Move!"

I smiled, "If I do will you explain it all to me?"

His face crinkled, "What is there to explain?"

I moved out of his way and nudged his arm, "Come on!"

He looked up for a second; there was a long pause where I shot him glances in anticipation. He finally spoke again, "I should have brought sunglasses."

"Lovino!" I was about to tell him to stop changing the subject before stopping... Lovi's life wasn't ordinary, it was probably painful... I couldn't force him.

"What?"

I shook my head, "It doesn't matter, I'm sorry."

But instead of that being the end of conversation it seemed to change Lovi. He let out a loud huff, "Why the hell do you wanna hear all this? You're probably just a stalker creep."

He stopped but I didn't dare talk. Lovi was small, he was much shorter than me and he looked like a very pretty guy but against me, he could really hold his own. He seemed to control the conversation between us and right now he had me silent and listening. He didn't have to tell me that he was about to speak again, I just knew.

And he did, "A week and a half after my seventh birthday, when the cards were still up and the balloons still had their damn helium, I was diagnosed. I was getting a lot of fucking bitch headaches and it was grandpa that took me to the doctors about day I went to get the results of whatever voodoo shit they did to figure out what was wrong with my head, I still wore my special glitter foil badge on that had its bright happy message on it, pinned to my shirt. That was from Grandpa, that badge.I couldn't wear it after I came home, I couldn't wear any of the fucking clothes I wore to the doctors that day after. Fuck knows how I understood I was dying; they sure didn't just say it outright. But I knew. I must have because I got so scared I pissed my pants and cried so much that no one knew what the hell to do with me. Grandpa cried too. The birthday present that I had wished for so hard wasn't even out of its box and I was bawling my eyes out because they let slip to a seven year old that he was about to die."

"Oh, Lovi..." My throat was tight. Why was it so soon after his birthday? And why did that make me so incredibly sad that the pit of my stomach felt like it was on fire?

He didn't even flinch at how upset I was. The thought of some tiny boy, still glowing from birthday love, he pinned on his birthday badge that morning that he was so proud of, because kids love that stuff don't they? It stabbed me right in the gut. He looked at the gift he had been given with fizzing excitement. Maybe he planned to play with it after he got home. Maybe he broke it from sadness and frustration instead of playing with it like he promised he would when he asked for it.

He and I just kept walking as he carried on like he was recounting a regular day, "They tried to treat it, but hell knows it didn't work. Right now my hair is so thin it's fucking disgusting because of some gross chemo. They told me I had until I was sixteen before I died... On my sixteenth birthday I hadn't been so happy since my seventh. I thought I was invincible because I lived more than they first told me. I thought I cheated death or some shit like that. One month later I was told that twenty-one really was gonna be it." He sighed, "I'm nineteen and they told me I have around six months now. They say that at this stage they can be pretty accurate. So I won't even make it to twenty-one. It's been a fucking roller coaster."

He sighed hard. That was it.

I swallowed. I needed to say something! I was the one who pushed him to talk about and even though he didn't seem that upset about it, his story was overwhelmingly sad. I couldn't just let a moment between us like this pass,

"What did you do for your sixteenth?" I blurted out, I couldn't think of what else to ask. If I let the silence continue, the conversation would never pick back up, and then he's regret telling me. I couldn't have that.

He sucked in his cheeks as he thought back, "I had my first drink." He told me.

I bit my lip, "That's it...?" I thought he'd be a little wilder than that.

He rolled his eyes, "_No_." He sighed, "But I hate thinking of that day, it was so fucking pathetic."

I nodded, smiling softly, "I get it." I put my arm around his shoulders and pulled him to my side, "But you're still here!" He tried to struggle out of my grip, "And you have a whole bucket list to get through!"

He wrinkled his nose and finally shoved me off of him, "Shut up! It's not like we'll really get through that crap! You probably laughed at it."

"What? Lovi no!" That was such a silly thing to say, "I think that it's great, it'll be really fun!"

"Yeah, whatever, it's dumb."

"It isn't." I insisted, "Now..." We were nearing the fountain, "How about popcorn? I'll buy!" I nodded over to a stand.

He followed my gaze and shrugged, "Whatever you want. As long as it's salted."

I felt a flutter of excitement; it was great when he agreed with me! "Okay!" I nodded quickly, "You go sit over there."

He didn't say anything, just stalked over to the fountain and sat down, his attention on the water.

As I stood in the line and got out my money, the uncertainty came back. I was really worried about that hot air balloon ride, what the heck did I say if he asked about it? I was a horrible liar, but he wouldn't really feel that great about the truth, would he?

I bought us a large bag of popcorn to share and pretended things were all okay as I made my way back to Lovi. He had one finger dipped in the water and was swirling it around slowly.

"You want one? It's warm." I offered him the bag.

He plucked a few popped kernels from the bag and pushed them though his lips, "Thanks." He yawned and stretched out watching the crowds of people as they milled around, trying to do some shopping before everywhere closed.

I took a handful before placing the popcorn bag between us. I looked where he was looking, wondered what he was thinking.

He chewed his lip for a moment before speaking again, "I really wasn't kidding when I say I don't get out much; it's pretty nice to just chill out here." He let his head hang back, "Thank you for this."

I was quiet.

He really thanked me...

"I think it's good too." I told him, "I don't get to always relax like this either."

He suddenly splashed me, "Bullshit!" He laughed, it wasn't a sarcastic laugh, it was a lovely tinkling one, "You just do what you like!"

I tapped his little nose, "You'd be surprised." I winked. Okay, so I could probably go out more if I wanted to, but he and I were sort of the same. Nowhere to go and no one to go with.

He jabbed my side making me yelp, "You talk out of your ass..." He shifted himself to cross his legs and turn his body to me. I did they same, "How old are you? I bet your in the prime of your life and all that crap."

I was still surprised by that filthy langue of his, "I'm twenty-four." I scratched at my neck a little embarrassed by my age. I was a whole half decade older than him.

"You're kidding?" His eyes widened, oh my, he did seem surprised, "What the fuck?!"

I put my face in my hands, laughing but still embarrassed, "It's not that bad!"

He snorted and poked me with his foot, "You're an old man, jackass!"

It was my turn to splash him, getting it on his shirt, "You're older than I expected too!"

I was true that Lovi looked younger than he was; he had such a pure looking face and soft skin.

"What?" He screwed his face up again, "What the hell? How old do I look!?" He sounded offended.

I considered the question before deciding to avoid it, "How old do _I _look?"

He splashed me again and took some more popcorn, "Asshole! I asked you first, okay!?" He glowed, "Now answer me before I shove you in this damn fountain!"

I laughed, "Fine! Fine..." I studied his disgruntled face, "Sixteen or seventeen." I told him in confidence.

He didn't reply for a moment, he just played with that crazy strand of his hair and furrowed his brow pensively, "Why?" He asked eventually.

I shrugged, "You look older now I guess; maybe it was the bright clothing... And you just look really youthful! Don't look like that, it's cute! Now, how old do I look?"

"Great I get to die with a baby face," He muttered darkly before he leaned forward and scrutinised me, "I don't know... Twenty-one?"

I nodded, as I thought about this... That wasn't so bad was it? That was a great age to be seen as! I decided to continue the exchange in the same way he did, "Why?"

He shrugged, "I don't know! You just _do_! Who cares how?"

I chewed my thumb nail, "Do you think it's good?" I scooted forward and teased, "Do you think I'm hot?"

His face fired up so quick that I was impressed. He went bright red, even his ears! I had to suppress a laugh so I wasn't rude!

He leaned forward and punched me hard in the arm, "What the fuck is that question!?" He grabbed some popcorn and proceeded to launch them at me, "Stupid! Stupid! Dumb question!" I had to put my arm up to shield myself, he ran out of popcorn and started to hit me, "Why the fuck would you ask that!?"

I laughed as he lost his temper, "I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Lovi, stop!" I was lying on my back, he was overpowering me!

He finally quit beating me, "Well don't say those things!" He was still red.

We continued like that for hours! Our little trip out was so much better than I thought. We even had to run back to the hospital because we were almost late. I walked him back to his room and he seemed almost upset to see me go. I really liked hanging around with this guy, he was an absolute live wire and totally crazy, but aside from my employees I hadn't had a friend like that for a long time.

And said I looked twenty-one which I quickly decided was a great thing.

And he never actually denied that I was hot!


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: Hey look- now my chapters all have titles. As always, thanks for reading! Don't forget to review!_

**Chapter Five**

**The Start of Something Beautiful**

Weeks later and taking Lovi out became a regular thing. I stopped closing early but I would go every day before work to check in on him and on my days off (that was if his brother and grandpa weren't visiting him) we'd go and get lunch, or if the day was bad, we'd watch a movie. He liked to complain but I had a sneaky feeling that he liked it. His heartfelt thank you by the fountain seemed somehow more genuine than the snarky remarks he spat out. He was just so feisty!

I tried to keep it interesting, I still hadn't made a move on the bucket list yet, which did concern me as six months slipped towards five, but I knew what I was gonna do with him next; learning to swim couldn't be left to the last minute. If anything, recently I had been disillusioned to how much time we had. These weeks had gone by so fast and I hadn't done anything! He wouldn't always be so able either... But I didn't want to think about that.

I took Lovi to the local museum. We had both been time and time again before I took us both, it was one of the few things this town had, but we still had a good time. We made it fun together! We'd talk about the exhibits and paintings and at times we were both even laughing so hard we almost got kicked out. He liked the bit about the Romans (no big surprise) and I liked seeing the bit with the animals. We both enjoyed the paintings, and the lunch in the museum cafe afterwards was no bad thing either.

It was almost two in the afternoon when I dropped him off back at the hospital. I would have loved to have stayed but I had something important to do. I drove out to the leisure centre and made it inside, heading for the front desk. It was time I got something done.

The young lady looked up at me from her computer as I neared. She gave me a small smile and blushed when I waved cheerily, "Hey!" I spoke friendlily as I leaned on the curved desk, "I would like to know... Do you guys do swimming lessons for older guys?"

She blinked, "Older guys? You mean men?" She looked a little confused.

I nodded, Lovino was a man wasn't he? He wasn't a kid, "Yeah, but the basics and stuff- for someone who still needs to learn."

She slowly nodded, "This isn't for you?"

I laughed and shook my head, "No, no, I'm here on someone's behalf. They couldn't come so I'm running an errand."

She leaned forward and tapped around on her key board, "I could recommend him our 'Basics for Senior's' class?" She grabbed a pamphlet that was in a pile next to my elbow and gave it to me, "Dates are in there, but you can join any time and they run on Tuesday's from four."

From four? That was perfect! The time that I close the cafe... This was great I could accompany him!

"If I put him in for this do I get to watch?"

She nodded, "Absolutely, for some swimmers we advise a family member or friend to sit and watch." She smiled, "You're even allowed to help him in the pool!"

My smile grew, this sounded great! Lovi would love this, I could really help him and he'd be in a class where everyone was on his level! I was scared that he'd not enjoy formal lessons because of the advanced students he'd see... Lovi did seem to be the envious type.

I clutched the pamphlet tight in my hand, "He'll be please to hear this! Do I book now?"

She smiled at the enthusiasm, "We don't take bookings for this class, you just show up and it's six bucks for a lesson." She smiled, "Many of our participants prefer it that way."

This was almost relieving, this was going so well that I was about to get set for another disaster like the hot air balloon ride, which Francis and Gilbert were still trying to secure for me.

"Thanks a lot." I smiled, "I'll turn up with him on Tuesday!"

She laughed, "You do that! It's it your father you're here for?"

I frowned, caught off guard for a moment, "My..." Why would it be my dad? "Nope, it's for a friend of mine, he's unwell right now."

She smiled, "That's so cute! It's really nice to see guys like you do that kind of thing for these people."

I laughed, not quite getting where she was coming from, "Sure thing..." I said, hoping that fit in right.

She put her hand on mine for a second, "Okay well I'll be here on Tuesday to get you both sorted and help you find the lesson." She gave me a strange little coy smile, "I'll remember you then."

I shoved the pamphlet in my pocket, not really paying attention to it anymore. Why would she recognise me? Had I done something weird?

I just smiled, "Then I'll see you then." I confirmed and with another wave I left.

Ticking an item off was within my grasp!

**.oO0Oo.**

"To be honest I don't really wanna fucking look at that thing. Seriously."

"I just have a few questions! Please, Lovi?"

He had a sour face and made sure I knew he was reluctant but nodded, "What is it?"

I was sitting with his bucket list in my hands. Actually it was a photocopy of it- I didn't want to damage the real copy. This one had things had things underlined and highlighted, things marked, words, scribbles all over it.

I had made sure to bring in the copy today to ask him a few questions. After my success in getting those swimming lessons planed I was suddenly on a high, a new burst of motivation spurring me on to think more about this list.

There were some items that were self explanatory. Karaoke? I'd sneak him into a bar on karaoke night in Newhurst where the night life was better. Movies and a pillow fort? I'd take him to my place for a while and we'd have a marathon of our favourites. They were the easy ones. Some of them I didn't even really need to plan.

Others were different and if there was any chance of being part of helping him complete them I was gonna need some questions answered!

I leaned forward and smiled as he refused to look at the paper in my hand, "There's this one... About paying back your Grandpa. What do you mean by that?"

"That's the kind of thing you're gonna ask!?" He hit me in the arm, "How is that confusing!?" He rolled his eyes, "It means what it says dumbass. Since I was literally seven he has worked like a machine to support me and hell knows it's aged him about thirty years. I have to repay that, because if I were him I'd have left me in a ditch somewhere."

I nodded slowly; I guess I could see how he felt. In fact, I understood why he saw things that way, I would too. I smiled, glad for a little more context, "You mean like paying money?" We wouldn't be able to pay him a great sum, and nowhere near the amount Lovi's Grandpa had put in for him, but there had to be something. The wording of the list item implied Lovi was looking to pay cash but that was written for his eyes. He could have meant it in a way that he didn't bother explaining here!

Lovino looked somehow downcast, "I'm not sure. The damn old fart never takes money from people he's too fucking proud. Hey, if he did there probably be flyers going around with a black and white picture of me, getting people to donate money to a poor sad dying kid but instead he works himself to the bone." He laughed, "So he probably wouldn't take money."

I was quiet for a second, "I don't think I can really be part of this one."

"What the hell? You backing out on me already?"

I laughed, "No! No..." I shifted from the chair onto the bed. He didn't oppose this, lately he seemed to even like me sitting here. I used this angle to look into those doe-like eyes, "This isn't something I can be part of it's really personal."

He looked a little anxious, "Well what if I can't do it on my own?!" He looked almost pleading, "This is the one I'm worried for!"

I gave a small chuckle and reached out to push his hair away from his face. He was so amazingly pretty, big eyes, small mouth and nose, rosy cheeks and soft olive skin, framed by crazy auburn hair. He was beautiful. I couldn't stress it enough.

I tried to reassure him, "I'll help you think of how to go about it for you both... But not much else. This is for you two. What would it be like if I tagged along? Think about that."

He still looked unsettled but he did seem to see where I was coming from.

I continued, "He's your family, Lovi. Whatever you do for him will be amazing."

He rubbed the side of his face, "I just don't wanna leave him feeling like it wasn't worth it. Shut up. What's the next damn question, come on."

I looked to the paper and rested my finger on another item, "What does 'spend all weekend having a good time' mean?"

There was no reply at first so I turned to face him. Obviously he didn't feel like this warranted a question!

"What?" I laughed, what was that look!?

He rolled his eyes, "'Tonio, usually they like foreigners like us over here better when they have basic understanding of fucking English!"

I laughed again, "I can read it! But what were you thinking of?"

"It means what it says!"

I still wasn't getting it, "Are you talking like a vacation here?" Was he implying he wanted a weekend away?

"No!" He slapped his hand to his forehead, "Just a good time for one whole weekend. No lazy afternoons or going to bed at normal times..."

I narrowed my eyes; it was coming a little clearer but still... "Why don't you talk me through the perfect scenario? If this were the ideal weekend, what would you do?"

He sat back as he considered this. He looked a little less agitated now.

He started to speak after a minute, "Y'know how they show in movies, how on the Friday night you just forget about time and lose control until the very end of the weekend? You sleep at odd times but you never come to a standstill. And you go out to a bar then you decide to go to a strip club, who cares if you can't stand them? Before you know it, it's three in the morning but shit, the clubs are still going. You're all about to pass out but you don't go home and spend the rest of the weekend sitting on your ass, you hit McDonalds for breakfast and keep going. Maybe you crash at someone's house and half of you fall asleep but there are video games and water pistols in the back yard. You keep going and going." He looked at me, "You get it?"

I'd take him to see Francis and Gilbert and we'd do that there. His little description sounded like some of my nights during my high school days!

I grinned, "So an all nighter?"

"No!" He yelled out so loudly and kneeled forward like he had been offended, "No fucking way! Don't call it that!"

I looked at him, stunned, "Lovino, why?"

He glared, "Call it that and you make me think of a bunch of twelve year olds, sitting in their mom's living room with the T.V on, wearing stupid spongebob pyjamas and a plastic bowl in their lap full of fucking liquorish and mint humbugs, swearing they'll be up all night as they speak in stupid fucking whispers so they don't wake anyone as they talk shit about their science teacher and watch the eleven pm showing of Corey in the House."

I listened in astounded bewilderment as he chattered on. He finished with a huff and I couldn't help but laugh. I put my hand over my mouth, this wasn't the reaction he wanted but I couldn't help it! He was just so crazy!

"What!?" He kicked my harshly with his heel, "Shut up!"

I put a hand up, "You're so funny!"

He flipped me off, "Quit saying that jackass! Go fuck yourself! You always laugh!"

I reached out and pulled him under one arm, "That's because you're a really funny guy!" I hugged him to my chest, "You say the strangest things!"

He head butted my chest and squirmed out, "You're a fucking strange person."

I leaned back and gazed at him, "I know." I thought back to his spiel, "So you don't want it to be an all nighter?"

He sighed, distraught, "I do, but don't call it that!" He rolled his eyes again, "I want to think of something cool and spontaneous not something planned six weeks in advanced so everyone's mom's can okay it and even its shit because the scary movies turn out to be a Halloween episode of Ned's declassified school survival guide and then some little bitch called Samuel has to be picked up because his candy ass can't take the stories about clown statues."

I shook my head and held back more laughter, "Lovi, something tells me you never really liked sleepovers as a kid."

He shrugged, "It was when I still thought friends were an option and I happened to wind up with the losers."

I grinned, "We'll make this one awesome, Lovi! You'll see!" I would definitely take him out of here; me, him, Gilbert, and Francis all hanging out like that was a recipe for an interesting time!

He put his hands behind his head, "Don't think I'm some kind of party animal." He told me in a voice which was a lot more grounded, "I prefer movie nights with comfort and warmth and shit, but I just wanna try this. I've never really had that sort of 'good time'."

"I get it." I assured him.

He nodded slowly, and could I detect a small smile? "What's the next question?" He snapped his fingers and brought back his cold grouchiness.

"I..." I scanned down the list, the neat handwriting by my own spiky print. I looked at the one about falling asleep happy. I hadn't written anything next to this one. It was like my mind! It was totally blank! I knew what it meant but still managed to boggle me.

Did I bring it up? It meant what it meant. I guess I didn't have any questions that weren't me prying.

"That's it!" I folded the note back over. I didn't bring it up. I just had to help him be happy, despite being so confused as I wondered how one earth there couldn't be _one_, just _one night_ that he fell asleep in a good mood, "I better be going soon..." This was true; the cafe opened sooner rather than later.

"Then go." He nodded to the door, "Bye."

I frowned; he was always so cold when I was leaving him each day, "Do you hate it when I leave?"

He barked a laugh, "Fuck no! I love it. I have shit to do."

I stood up and grabbed my bag, tilting my head, "What do you do, Lovi?"

He crossed his arms and shrugged, "Party because you left."

That got a smile, "I miss you too!" I laughed as I patted his head.

"Don't touch me." He batted my hand away.

I looked down to him, "You know I don't like leaving you alone either... I just have a silly thing called work to get to."

"Whatever, I'm saying go!" He looked up at me, "Go fuck yourself."

I wanted to reach out and touch that messy hair again but he was too tense. We just looked at one another, my soft eyes meeting his big doe ones. There was a moment of calmness between us, neither of us spoke, nor wanted to. His for just this fleeting second didn't seem to have any venom or malice... It was almost longing between us. I wanted to stay with him and he wanted me to stay. I wanted to take him out of here and I knew he wanted to go. There was some kind of infinite closeness in that one look, which probably lasted a lot less time than it felt.

"What're you looking at?" There was the irritation again! He looked away and the spell was broken.

I gave a small groan, "I wanna stay!"

He turned over, "Go do your job, you bum!"

I chuckled and with that I headed out, "Have fun partying now that I've left!" I called back to him.

There was only silence from his room, but I didn't have to turn around a middle finger was being directed at me.

**.oO0Oo.**

I totally forgot to mention I was taking him to the pool!

This struck me as I was making dinner at home, I didn't know how it even came to me, I wasn't really thinking about him so much, but it crossed my mind so suddenly I even gave a loud gasp.

I slapped my forehead and wondered how I could have forgotten to mention it. I mean, I had been so excited about it!

I turned the heat off under my pan and thought about how I was gonna remember to tell him tomorrow, I had to mention it soon or I'd be giving him too much of short notice.

Maybe I could have written myself a note? I would probably forget to look at that too!

Or I could have texted him...

I decided that'd be best, do it while it was on my mind and get it so I didn't have worry about it. I'd text him the moment dinner was done.

...

So it turned out that I also forgot to send him that text until it was almost eleven and I was watching TV.

How could I forget again!? This was crazy!

I reached out to grab my phone so fast that I almost fell from couch; I swiped it up and started to scroll through my contacts. He wouldn't be asleep; Lovi was a night owl and laughed at me once for telling him that my bedtime was before midnight.

I found his name and entered into messages... There were so many of them. I wasn't sure when it started but he and I didn't really just use each other's numbers to talk about visiting times anymore. I probably started it, but we just texted all the time these days. Some nights I was just glued to my phone- I never realised how bad my battery was until now. Our conversations were anything and everything. Some of it was deep, some of it really wasn't but there didn't seem to a dull moment.

He was funny, interesting, sharp, and sweet. He must have seen something in me too because some nights he even texted first.

I couldn't keep the smile away. I scrolled up and down for a while. There were long texts, short ones, and everything in between on both sides. It really warmed me.

My thumb slowly slipped down to the call button. Did I ring him up? I didn't think he'd really mind. It'd be nice to hear his voice.

I pressed the green button and raised the phone to my ear as I listened to it ring.

On the third ring he picked up, "What?"

"Lovino? It's me." I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling and put a cushion over my chest and held onto it.

"I know, your dumb picture came up, it was fucking hard to miss." He sounded mad but I knew better than to believe he was. If he really didn't want to talk to me he'd have rejected my call or hung up by now.

I chuckled lightly; my voice was soft as I started to feel a little sleepy, at ease with his voice, "What are you doing right now?"

"Now now?" There was a short pause, "Watching a movie on TV."

I nodded even though he couldn't see me and closed my eyes, "What one?"

I could hear him readjust himself, "'Pretty Woman.'"

"Oh I love that one!" I smiled to myself.

"Yeah." He sighed, "Me too."

There was another moment of silence but neither of us ended the call. I lay back imagining him sitting in bed, the room dark aside from the TV.

"Sorry," I finally spoke again, "Am I distracting you from it?"

His voice lost the grouchiness, "No... It's in an ad break."

"Why do you love it so much?"

"Probably same reason as you."

"I love it because it's so romantic."

"Then I'm right. I like it for that too."

"Lovino likes romantic things?"

"Che. Believe it or not."

I gave another light chuckle, "What part are you at?"

He gave a light content sigh, "The bit when he takes her to the hotel for the first time."

"Oh that's almost the start... You've got it all to look forward too."

"That's right."

"That's the start of something really beautiful."

"... Yeah." He paused, "Yeah it really is."

Another silence. I almost didn't want to change the subject, but soon his movie would come back on and I couldn't keep him on the line.

"Hey listen," I began, "Can you be ready to jump in my car at four on Tuesday? I'm taking you to the pool."

"The pool? Are you taking me to swim?"

I smiled, "We're teaching you how to swim, I found some lessons that teach guys your age the basics and it's one where I can even come in the pool with you to help." I explained.

There was silence on the other end of the phone. I flashed the screen at my face and saw it was still calling him... Had he fallen asleep?

"Hello?" I tried.

"I'm here." He confirmed, "I... You're really following through with this?"

He still thought that I wasn't taking his list seriously? "Yes, Lovi, just like I promised."

Another long silence.

"I'll be there." He told me at last, "Tuesday at four."

"Yeah. Is the movie starting again?"

"Just about to."

"Then I'll see you tomorrow, huh? Enjoy the movie."

"I will."

"Goodnight."

"Night, 'Tonio."

I stayed on the line until there was a click and he hung up. I didn't move from my spot there on the couch with my phone by my ear until the next morning. I fell asleep there; his voice had lulled me to sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Hey guys, hope you're enjoying the fic so far! If you are please, please review! Without them I can't tell if this fic is worth reading or not- I'll start to think what I'm putting out is boring if few people are commenting!  
If you're enjoying the story you have no idea how happy it makes me when you let me know, and if it's boring, tell me that too, I want to improve for you guys!_

_I love y'all, thank you for reading!_

**Chapter Six**

**I'll Teach You How to Float - Part 1**

I think I was starting to irritate some of my later customers. First I had closed an hour early and now I had cleaned up and almost kicked anyone out who was still in there five minutes before closing time. I barely even said goodbye to Feli as I ran out the door, locking it and skidding over to the car and pretty much throwing myself in!

I had to get Lovino and get to the pool for his lesson at four... It was four at that moment.

But it'd be fine! We'd only be five minutes!

I didn't really have the best car, I wasn't really so fast. It was my father's first car, had three wheels and was once all pastel yellow but the paint had come off and the metal had rusted under so now it didn't look so pretty. It wasn't too speedy but it worked! All I really needed was for something to work- I had grown out of being a materialistic guy.

I still noticed myself occasionally slipping over the speed limit though as I tore around to the hospital. If he did as I told him to and was waiting outside, ready to jump into the car with everything he needed we'd be okay.

My prayers were answered as I approached; he was there like he said he would be with a bag over one shoulder. I slowed down and smiled at him through the dirty window as he swung the door open and got in quickly,

"Jesus fucking Christ." He breathed as he shoved the mess from his seat onto the floor, "Hey 'Toni have you ever cleaned this thing?"

I smiled as he sat down and fumbled for his seatbelt, "Hey, Lovi!" I smiled as I watched him.

"You have a kid's wooden bow and arrow play set!" He kicked at something by his feet narrowing his eyes, "What the hell for?" He glanced at me as I watched him with his seat belt, "Drive, jackass!"

"But-!" I looked between him and the road quickly, "Come on, you're not strapped in!"

He shoved my head so I would turn to the road, "I'm doing it! I don't want us to be late, go!

Reluctantly I put my foot down again and set off as fast as my car and my conscious would let me, he was still messing with that seat belt, murmuring darkly under his breath before giving up and letting go.

"Lovi! Safety first!" I insisted.

He just gripped at his head rest behind him, "That fucking thing probably hasn't worked for a very long time, damn thing jams!"

"Lovino..." I looked quickly to the seat belt; he hadn't tried very hard...

He rolled his eyes, "Look, just don't crash. Besides were almost there." He nodded ahead

I bit my lip and sighed as I let it go... He needed to learn caution as well as swimming, but we needed to get to that lesson. We needed to be there right now!

I parked best I could in the rush, but probably didn't do it too well... Actually that was a definite, Lovi even snorted as he looked over his shoulder as I ushered him to the leisure centre doors.

He slung his bag over his shoulder as I tried to get him to move faster,

"Come on, Lovi! Come on!" I was bouncing around him as he refused to turn his quick walk into a run.

"I'm going!" He insisted, "I don't wanna look like a fucking idiot running through the damn parking lot."

I grinned for a second and suddenly, without warning scooped him up and over my shoulder, holding onto his legs.

Of course, he protested straight away as I started to jog. His fists thumped at my back and he exploded into a loud of shouts and curses,

"'Tonio! What the fuck!? Put me down!" He tried to wriggle out of my grip, "You bastard! What the hell do you think you're doing!?" He thumped at my back a little more.

I bumped his hip with my head playfully, "We needed to walk a little faster!" I slowed as the automatic doors slid open, "Now we're going in so can you maybe use your inside voice?"

He seemed to do as I said but still hissed, "This is bullshit." kneeing me in the chest, making me give a little cough as I looked around. That girl who talked to me said she'd be around, right?

She popped her head up from under the desk. There she was! She must have been filing something down there!

"Hey!" I called over to her, grabbing her attention as I approached with Lovi still hanging over my shoulder. He had gone limp over my shoulder, making himself as heavy as possible for me- but I was stronger than he thought!

She spotted me and even stood up as she smiled, "I remember you!" Wow, I didn't think that I deserved t be stood up for, but she looked really exhilarated to see me.

I gave her a wave as I approached the desk, "Sorry we're a little late."

"Don't you worry none." She reassured me, "Lesson starts in a few minutes yet..." She clicked around on the screen of her computer, knowing already what I was here for, "Did your friend arrive already?"

"My friend?" She meant Lovino? Couldn't she see the guy hanging over my shoulder, "Oh, no... This is him!" I turned my back and let her see the angry Italian who I was carrying.

"Help me, he won't let go!" Lovi pleaded as he came to life again.

She didn't seem to pay attention to what he said but now looked a little pale, "This guy is the one you came for?"

I patted Lovi's legs, "This is the guy..." She looked like a rabbit in the headlights all of a sudden. Was there something wrong with him?

She swallowed and spoke slowly, "I-" she stammered and cleared her throat, "I'm sorry- um..." She blinked a few times and blew out air quickly, "That'll be s-six dollars, and it's a quarter to use the lockers..."

I let go of Lovi's legs to fumble around for my wallet, which suddenly got him to react again,

He gasped as the safety of my arms around his legs left him and suddenly gripped my shirt, "Antonio! What the hell are you doing!? Fuck, I'm gonna fall!" He clawed at my back and grabbed my head, his fingers knotting into my hair.

I tried to focus on counting out money as he scrambled around; the poor girl in front of us was totally bewildered!

"Hang on Lovi, just a second, 'kay?" I looked up, "I don't have any change, mind if I give you a dollar for a few quarters?"

In the end I was able to pass her a ten and she gave me a quarter in the change. I did that even with Lovi squirming all over me- it was more impressive than it sounds!

"Good luck!" She gave me a shaky smile, "You should, um, know that these guys are very, uh, welcoming of everyone, okay?"

I gave her a nod and pocketed my change, not bothering with putting it in my pocket, it would just cause fuss, "Thanks!"

"I got you again." I reassured him as I gripped him again, letting his fears of falling subside.

"Can you just fucking put me _down_?"

I laughed, "But this is so fun! And you're as light as a kitten!"

That earned me another hit on the back, "I look freaking dumb!" He paused as we left earshot of the lady who served us, "She wanted your dick."

I almost stumbled as I headed down stairs to the changing rooms, "Lovi!" I reprimanded, "That's not true!"

He used my shirt to push his upper body up a little, "Yeah it is, I wasn't even facing her half the time but you'd have to be blind and deaf not to see how all over you she was. Or just stupid, like you, dumbass."

I blushed a little and finally put him down in front of a changing cubical, "She was just being polite!"

He raised one brow and folded his arms, "Cause wanting your cock in her mouth is really polite." He rolled his eyes, "Is great customer service having someone deep throat you?"

I covered my face with my hands, if I wasn't red before, I sure was now, "Lovi, please!" I couldn't deal with this! "You need to get changed!"

He sniggered, "_Si_, _si_." He moved into his changing room and locked the door leaving me to get into and try to recover in mine.

I yanked off my shirt that now looked a little stretched from Lovi's antics, but I guess I brought that on myself. I checked the time, we'd be fine, we might not be able to warm up to the water like the others would but the lesson wouldn't be starting without us!

I was in my underwear when Lovi spoke again calling out through the plastic wall separating us, "'Tonio?" His voice echoed and hit off the walls in the tiny space.

"Hm?" I wriggled out of my under pants and looked for my swim shorts in my bag.

He sighed, "Okay, so maybe she doesn't do that stuff so soon, but that girl definitely liked you. She was flirting with you a whole lot..." He paused and I could hear the quiet shuffling of him next door, "What did you think of her?"

I smiled softly to myself, "Sorry if you wanted me to get with her, I couldn't really go out with her or anything."

I pulled up my trunks as he considered this, but instead of a response, the next sound I hears was him unlocking his door and shoving stuff into a locker, "You done yet?"

I gathered my clothes and bag, "Yeah!" I quickly joined him and we both crammed out stuff into one locker. I laughed as I looked at the way we just shoved things in, "By the time we come back, these are all gonna be crumpled!"

"Whatever, we deal with that later." He nodded to the coin slot, "Hurry up and put the coin in!"

I pushed the coin in and locked our stuff away, pinning the key to my shorts, "There we go."

Only then did I look up and lay my eyes on him.

Oh my goodness...

He was just so amazingly attractive- it was so hard to put into words! In his swim shorts I was just given an incredible view of how long and slender his legs were, his neat little tucked in waist, his narrow shoulders and flawless expanse of chest. This should have been illegal! He didn't even seem to be aware of it as he put one hand on his hip and stood like some sort of model! I couldn't get enough!

Luckily he didn't notice me staring; he seemed to be looking directly at my torso... What was up with that? Were my shorts too low? I didn't think I looked bad but he kept looking there with his brow slightly furrowed.

I coughed, tearing my eyes away from his smooth skin, "Lovi, are you okay? Are you spacing out?"

He blinked and his head jerked up suddenly, "What? I didn't know you were religious."

"Huh?"

"T-The necklace."

I looked down again and spotted my silver cross necklace hanging at my sternum. That's what he was staring at! I must have gotten so used to having it on that I didn't realise he was looking at it!

I smiled and wrapped my fingers around the tiny cross, "My family is Catholic," I explained, "I'm not so devout but I still like to keep that part of me close." I let it go and let the crucifix hang.

He nodded, "I get it. My family's the same."

Now we walked together, having our little episode of him looking at my chest resolved, "You're Catholics too?" I smiled widely, "That's great! So is one of my waiters!"

He shrugged, "It's okay, I guess. I'm not so into it anymore since I'm fucking dying at age nineteen and stuff."

I frowned, "That doesn't make you wanna believe in it more?"

He stretched out as we approached the showers, "No. Don't say I should to keep my positive about death because I don't see how believing in some guy who _chose_ to end me is gonna fill me with joy."

It was a quick shower in comfortable slice before we headed to the pool.

Ah.

There might have been just a _little_ mix up. More like a miscommunication...

"'Tonio..." Lovio asked in a worryingly calm voice before turning to me, "Why the hell is everyone else _old_!?"

He was right... Except us and the enthusiastic instructor Lovi and are were probably the only ones by the pool under the age of sixty! They were all elderly, this was never mentioned!

"I never expected this!" I turned to him quickly and insisted.

"What the fuck kind of lesson is this!?" He hissed, even standing on his toes so that he could get closer to my face.

I put my hand up to my forehead, desperately scanning the room for a sign that this wasn't exclusively old ladies and men, "This... I didn't plan this!"

He snorted, "What did you sign us up for? Classes for the about to die?!"

I winced at that morbid jab, "It was..." What was it called again, "This is the Basics for Seniors class!"

Oh.

Lovi immediately got what I had missed until now, "For _seniors_!" He emphasised, "Seniors! Senior _citizens_!" He repeated just to make sure I really got it.

So this perhaps explained why that girl at the counter asked if the person I was asking for was my father...

It might have also been why she looked so freaked out when she realised that Lovi was the guy I had come for...

This revelation actually explained quite a lot. In fact, the encouragement that I join Lovi in the pool was probably because it was expected that Lovi was gonna be a frail old man! However, I seemed to be the only one accompanying a student here...

He pursed his lips together for a moment, scowling out at the pool,

"I'm sorry, Lovi... But we can have fun, right?" I took his wrist, "Come on; let's get in!"

He looked up suddenly and jerked his head to a space behind me, "Incoming."

"Hm?" I let go and turned quickly to see the blonde young female instructor with big green eyes and a smile that had probably got stuck on her face because of her job coming over.

"Hey guys..." She sounded apologetic, "I'm sorry, the pools closed for a lesson, it'll open again for the public at six if you want to come back then, okay?"

I laughed, "Actually..." I patted Lovi's bare shoulder, "We're here for the lesson! This is Basics for Seniors, right?"

She blinked, looking between us, trying to figure out which one of us was meant to be old.

"There was a little mix up upstairs," I explained, "But we're still up for it right?" I looked to Lovi...

... He didn't look convinced.

"I'm not." He shoved my hand away and started to skulk back to the changing rooms.

What?

I smiled lightly at the instructor, "I'm sorry, you can start, we'll join you in a minute!" I left her and chased after the tiny Italian, "Lovi? Lovi!"

He stopped when I put my hand on him, "What!?" He snapped as he turned back to me.

I took both of his arms in mine and spoke in a soft gentle voice, "Hey now... What're you doing walking away?" The chirpy voice of the instructor echoed through the room... After all that, we didn't make the lesson on time.

He gave a gruff sigh, "This is the wrong fucking lesson."

I gave him a soft smile, "Don't you wanna learn to swim?" When that got nothing back but him glaring at the floor tiles I took another approach, "Why do you want to learn so much that you put it on your bucket list?"

He bit his lip for a second before deciding to tell me, "Because when people swim slowly it looks like their flying. I wanna go underwater and swim under the surface because it'll feel like I'm in space, I'll get swim goggles and be able to see what it's like to swim under water and my hair would go all floaty like a fucking merman's and I wouldn't feel so heavy..." He gave my shoulder a light punch, "It just looks really fucking cool, okay?!"

"Okay." I loved his response, it was so pure and lovely, "But don't you get that you can almost _do_ that stuff now for real?" I watched his expression, "It's in your grasp isn't it?"

He looked up and over to the pool where the instructor was giving out foam floats, "I guess. I don't wanna do it with a bunch of old people!"

I laughed, "Why not? Old people are really nice! You'll probably be the best in the class too..." I nudged him playfully, "How does that sound?"

He looked at me and I could detect a small smile... He was warming up to the idea!

He still wasn't totally convinced, "I'll look fucking stupid."

I cupped his face in my hands and got him to look at me, squeezing his cheeks slightly, "No you won't! You'll look fine!"

He sighed, but I knew I had him, I clenched my palms victoriously, "They'll laugh."

"Don't be silly, you know that's not true."

He looked at me for a long moment before grabbing my arm and leading me back to the pool, "Teach me how to float like you can, bastard."

"Okay, Lovi." I told him gently and waved at the instructor who noticed us coming back, "Can you get in the pool?"

He nodded and slowly used the steps so lower himself into the water, "Ah! Cold..." He muttered but kept going until he was standing in the shallow end and I joined him.

He put his arms around him, trying to warm himself and I pinched his ear, congratulating him on taking these first steps. He pushed my hand away and looked around with those big eyes, making sure that no one was talking about me.

The pretty blonde instructor stopped in her instructions, "Now, everyone, we've got someone new with us today, guys would you like to introduce yourselves?"

Lovi looked at me but I just smiled back, "You do it, this is your thing." I reminded him.

Slowly he turned back to look at the group who were all looking at expectantly. None of them looked like they were judging Lovi, even if they did look a little surprised! This was gonna go great!

"I'm Lovino." He said in a voice loud and clear enough to echo in the huge room, "And this weirdo with me is Antonio." He smiled, it was angelic! "It's nice to meet you all."

"Hello!" I added, just to make sure they knew I was friendly.

She smiled sweetly, "It would be nice if you could all get the chance to practise what we're going over, but if you could go say hi to these guys sometime!" She paused, "You all remember what we were doing last week? That's right! We're learning to stay afloat, we've been _treading water_. But this time let's try it _without the floats_! Okay? I'll be right here, talking to our new comers, so just call me over, got it?"

There was collective agreement and Lovi and I were beckoned over... I guess it was time to do some swimming!


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: Here's part two of the swimming chapter! Remember to review, thank you so much for reading!_

**Chapter Seven**

**I'll Teach You How to Float- Part Two**

"Not quite like that Lovino, you're going too fast!"

"I'll sink!"

Lovi's voice was strained as he thrashed in the water, trying to stay afloat. He was certainly making sure he didn't sink, but he was already running out of breath after only around ten seconds of treading water.

Our instructor, her name was Femke, was trying her best-she really was! But no matter how much she trying to get him to slow down, she couldn't convince him.

"You saw me do it!" I reminded him, "I was moving really slow and I was fine, remember?"

He just gave a small snort, "Yeah but you're so damn tall that you'd be able to stand up if you sank!"

Femke gave a small sigh, "Lovino, you're fine, Antonio and I are_ right_ here to grab you if you sink..." She gave him a warm smile, "You'll be fine- you'll see! The water is thicker than you think."

He gripped onto my shoulders suddenly, "Okay. Fine." He shot a look me and I returned some nods of encouragement, "Just let me catch my breath."

Femke looked relieved to hear Lovi listen to instruction, "Great, how about you practise that there while I go see Rodger over there, alright? Then you can show me how great you're doing!"

His eyes widened, but before Lovi could say anything, Femke was gone,

"Wait!" He called out, "What if I sink!? You need to save me!"

I laughed and rubbed his back, "I can save you!"

He looked at me with one eyebrow raised in scepticism, "As if I trust you. You probably couldn't even save your own ass."

"That hurts!" I teased and got ready to draw away from him, "Hey, you okay to give this another try?"

He was quiet there and just gave a solemn nod, "I guess." He sounded meek now.

"Just keep pushing up, but _slowly_." I gave his upper arm a light squeeze.

"I know, _si_, I get it!" He scowled at me, "If I drown I will end you."

I laughed, "Then I better not let that happen... I'm pulling away from you now."

"Do whatever you want."

I slowly pushed him away to arms length before finally losing contact. He didn't even seem to notice when I was backing away from him, he was too busy concentrating on moving his arms and legs how Femke did when she showed him how to do it.

My smile grew... He was doing it! He was swimming! Sure, he wasn't going anywhere, he wasn't doing a stroke and we still had more to do, but look at him! He was swimming on his own! He was going nice and slow too, he didn't even look like he was even close to breathless.

I clasped my hands together and looked over to Femke, wishing her to come see this.

I looked back to Lovi; he was still going, even now! It was amazing!

He suddenly seemed to notice that I wasn't beside him. This wasn't good, "'Tonio!" He barked over, "What the hell are you doing all the way over there?! Fu-"

He suddenly seemed to lose what he was doing, he was under! His hand came up, grabbing at air but slipped back under water, not doing anything.

I waited a second, was he gonna be okay? Was he...? No, okay, I decided that he wasn't able to get back up himself.

I had to rescue him!

I took a deep breath and swooped under the water. The chlorine stung my eyes but there he was; he was flailing around down there so much little bubbles were everywhere, he was moving too erratically to go anywhere- I guess he was panicking.

I just used one powerful stroke to grab him, he need back up now! He was running out of air!

I brought him up, right to the edge of the pool and sat him on the side as he gasped, scrubbing at his eyes before starting to cough and splutter.

His coughing fit was so intense, there was a moment that he really looked like he might puke, but after a little while he was just breathing deeply, blinking the water from his eyes.

I was leaning on the side of the pool next to him, looking at him with concern.

"Why..." He tried before swallowing and starting again, "Why did you wait so long to come get me!?"

Maybe waiting around to see if he was able to resurface himself wasn't a great idea. It was actually pretty mean of me... He had barely learned to stay up!

"I'm sorry." I told him sincerely.

He rubbed at his eyes some more, the pool chemicals probably stung him bad, "I thought I was gonna drown!"

He didn't sound so much angry as he did upset and scared. He'd be okay in a minute but I still felt bad for not grabbing him the moment he lost control.

"Hey, what's going on? Are you guys okay?" Femke was back, looking between us.

"We just had a little scare." I explained as Lovi sulked, "He might need a few minutes. But you should have seen him!" I lit up, "He was really doing it!"

"That's great! Nice and slow right?" She looked to Lovi who nodded, "Didn't you notice a difference in how relaxed it was? See if you're thrown into water and can't really get out, it'll do you a huge favour if you're _controlled_."

Lovi cleared his throat again, "Then this dickwad let me drown half to death." He added and gave me cold look.

Femke pushed herself up onto the side next to Lovino, "Are you okay? I didn't see what happened."

Lovi looked at his hands at that; I don't think he expected to be taken so seriously. Femke put her arm around his slender shoulders, and looked at him intently, "You take a minute, okay? But Antoinio says you were doing so great!"

Lovi was blushing a little. I smiled at that and pinched his big toe under that water. He hadn't expected his usually angry ways to be reacted to this way! I usually laughed it all off, never taking it seriously and his family were probably used to it... He barely saw other people! Femke had to take him seriously, it was her job, and it was clear how much it threw the poor guy off! He was embarrassed!

"I wasn't under that long..." He explained in a voice that was a little softer than usual, "I just didn't realise when 'Tonio had let go and I was surprised and I..." She shrugged, "You get it."

Femke let him go and slipped back into the water, "Sure thing. You think you'll be okay for the rest of the lesson, sweetie?"

He looked up, pushing soaked hair from his eyes, "I'll be fine in a minute, I can do it."

Femke put a hand on my shoulder and leaned into my ear, "Tell me if you think he needs a medic, okay?"

I smiled and nodded, "Sure, but I think he overreacted... He got a fright, we really just need a little break."

She drew back, "Alright, good luck you boys! In ten or so minutes I'm calling you all back and we're gonna try moving in the water! Just a heads up!"

With that she left us to it. I turned to Lovi again and put my hands on his knees, "You feel a little better yet?"

I don't know why I expected him to be as calm as he was with Femke, "I'm still trying to cope with my damn near death experience!"

I patted his hands that rested on his lap, "I saved you didn't I?"

He rolled his eyes, "Took you long enough." He gave a little distressed sigh then and I looked to his face, "Why did you let me stay under there so long?"

"What? It was just a split second!" I defended myself, "I wanted to see if you could help yourself."

"I clearly couldn't!"

"I know, I said I'm sorry. I just got excited because you were already getting places! I think you're a natural in the water!"

He blushed a little again at praise, "Chill the fuck out. I just did one really basic thing which took two people to teach me."

"You're doing really great." I told him with all the sincerity I had. Despite this hiccup, I think he was having a pretty good time too!

He gripped the edge of the pool and slipped back into the water, "I don't feel very graceful." He admitted to me.

"That'll come." I let him grip my arm as he found his bearings in the water, "You get graceful when you're confident and know how to work the water."

He furrowed his brow, "Work it?"

I nodded enthusiastically, "Yeah, you know..." I thought about how to explain as he seemed to grow more confused, "Like you know how to manipulate it and move around underwater..." I didn't think he was really getting this; it was more of an experience, "I'll just show you sometime!"

"Sometime? Now?"

"Not right now," I patted his head, I liked that earnest answer, "You need to do your thing right now!"

"You better not let me go under again." He said sharply.

I laughed gently, "Don't worry! I've learned my lesson." I winked as he pushed away from the wall.

I still had both of his hands, he was slowly kicking under water, and the focus was back.

"Hey..." I murmured to him as I let go of one hand, "I think that lady over there is looking at us."

"Huh?" He managed to look where I was looking, where a little old woman was looking over to us.

I smiled over at her, she seemed sweet, "She might wanna come and say hello..." I glanced at him, wondering what a lovely old lady would make of Lovi's crassness. She'd probably get an awful surprise given how innocent this kid looked, "Be nice to her." I chided him.

"Be nice?" He repeated with a snort, "What? Do you take me for an asshole?"

"Well-"

But before I could explain how his language might sound to this lady he was already tugging my arm, "Take me over to her."

I hesitated but decided to do as he asked, I mean, if he wanted to speak to her, it would to be nice, right?

I helped him over and studied him as we approached... He was smiling! He was smiling really sweetly!

The lady blinked as she realised as it was her we were approaching, "Hey, you having fun?" Lovi asked, gripping the edge of the pool.

Wow... Was it just me or had his whole voice changed to sound a whole lot more nice?

"Oh, sorry!" The lady gave a small laugh, "You probably think I'm a rude old hag for staring!"

Lovi laughed, "No way! I love it when pretty girls look at me! What's your name, ma'am?"

I was watching him in awe as he governed his tongue in a way I never even knew he could! He was so charming, even cute,

"Just call me Aggie." She replied, she looked like she'd just won the lottery, her cheeks all flushed, "I was wondering what brings a young boy like you to come to join all us old foggies!" She laughed and Lovi smiled brightly,

"You mean you're not twenty-one?" So easy. He could compliment people so easily! I was dumfounded, I couldn't even join the conversation!

She laughed and put a hand to her face, "Stop it you!"

Wasn't he supposed to be really freaked out about people noticing he was different?

"How's it going for you?" He actually made an effort to keep a conversation going?! I'm pretty sure my jaw was slack by now.

"Very well! Isn't this class good? There's no pressure, I can do what we were taught and I can move on now... I like that very much." She really was a lovely little lady, if anyone deserved to see this side of Lovi it was her.

Lovi nodded, "Yeah! I didn't really expect this; I didn't really know what the class was going to be like but this is really nice, it's got a good atmosphere." Of course he didn't miss the opportunity to be a little flirty, "And I get to meet people like you."

She batted him on the shoulder with a bony hand, "Keep that up and my big head will sink me!" She scolded lightly.

Lovi laughed, "Well it was so nice talking to you, but I think we're being called back." Lovi nodded over to Femke who had her hand raise to signify she wanted to bring the group together.

"I won't keep you any longer!" Aggie winked and left us.

I immediately grabbed Lovi by the shoulders, "What was that?" I asked with disbelief.

He snorted and shrugged me off, "You think I can't be nice? I can, just not to you." He smirked, obviously taking pride in his ability to confuse me so much.

We gathered around Femke and I watched Lovi's face become tense as he listened to how to swim. Femke wasn't teaching strokes yet, Lovi would just doggy paddle. He was taking small steps, but I still certain Lovo was gonna be a natural at this. Besides, the guy was so strong willed, Lovi would learn to swim with grace before we knew it.

**.oO0Oo.**

"Come on one more time?" I tried to encourage him, no matter how many times we tried to get him to stay afloat; Lovino would sink like a stone. He was getting pretty distressed over it.

At least he wasn't grabbing at me anymore; Lovi had become so comfortable treading water that he didn't even need to think about it! But that was old news to him now. He wanted to move around, he wanted to swim!

"I can't do it, okay!?" His frustration was clear, we had been doing this for a whole hour, but each time he tried to move and paddle he would just _sink_! He sank every single time.

I sighed as I tried to think again of ways to get his morale up, "That's what you said about the last thing!" I pointed out, "And look at you now!"

He hit his forehead with the heel of his palm, I wasn't helping him, in fact he was just getting even more upset... He looked like he might cry...

"I could do that as soon as I worked out how!" He was right there, once he slowed, he had it straight away.

I took both his hands even though he didn't need me to; I wanted the contact to remind him I was there for him... Or something like that! "You just need to figure out how to do this like you did before..."

He closed his eyes for a second, "I'm doing it _exactly_ like we were shown!" He hit the water harshly, "You know what? Fuck this; some people have even left so just take me back to the hospital. I'm done."

My heart sunk, was he giving up now? "But you've been doing so well!" I blurted out.

He sighed and reached out to pull himself to the side of the pool, "Shut up!" He pushed himself up and out of the water, "I've been just sinking for an hour and I really don't want to do it anymore!"

"You're almost there!" I tried.

He really looked like he was about to tear up he swallowed, "Please just take me back."

I studied his face he even said 'please'... He maybe needed a break. He really wanted this but kept failing. He could calm down and try again next week.

I heaved myself up and out of the water and extended a hand to help him to his feet, "I'll take you to get dried off then I'll drive you back so you can curl up in bed for a few hours. How does that sound? _Si_?"

He just nodded and took the help, getting up and letting me tell Femke we'd see her next week.

He was really just a big grumpy kid.

But I liked him for it.

**.oO0Oo.**

He didn't talk again until we were in the car. He still didn't have his seat belt on again so he was just curled up, wrapped in his Mickey Mouse towel with the seat leaned back as far as it would go as he watched out the window.

At first I even though he was asleep, that was until his soft voice sounded, "'Tonio?"

"Hm?"

He shuffled in his seat to look out the windscreen with me, "That receptionist girl did really like you." He told me again, "And you saw her, she was pretty. Femke was pretty too, she thought you were handsome even if she didn't wanna go on a date." He looked up and pressed his finger to a coffee stain that somehow got on the ceiling, "They're both so damn cutesy and your type... So..." I gripped the wheel tighter almost certain what was coming next, "So why wouldn't you go out with them?" He looked at me, "Have you got a girlfriend or something?"

I let out a long breath, "No... That's not it." I swallowed. I did wonder when this would be brought up.

"Then what's the problem?" He continued to look at me as kept my hold on the wheel firm.

I hesitated, but there was no point in hiding it, "I... I'm gay, Lovi."

It was like a warm flush went though me as I let the words out. I never really made my sexuality a big thing... But I did get nervous. How was he gonna react? He and I never discussed this sort of thing- it just hadn't come up!

He still hadn't replied. I was too anxious to look at his face.

"Th-That means I like gu-"

"I know what it means!" He looked out the window again, "I guess that makes sense."

I looked at him, just a glance, "Makes sense?" My mouth went a little dry. Had he been noticing how much I had been checking him out? Oh gosh... What if he thought I only wanted his body or something!? That wasn't it!

"With you not wanting to go out with those chicks." He gave a rough sigh, "Do you really fucking think I wouldn't be cool with it?"

I blinked, not really expecting that, "Huh?"

"Well calm the fuck down, you look like you're gonna shit yourself!" He even threw his towel at me, getting me to laugh a little, "My brother's gay too. It's _fine_."

I swallowed and parked the car next to the hospital, "Really?"

He nodded, taking the towel back, "So is your type girls like that, but guys with dicks and stuff?"

"I-I" I hadn't really expected the conversation to take such a turn, "I don't really have one."

He paused, nodding lightly, "Am I your..." He started but trailed off. I looked at him, wondering where he was going with this but he didn't continue, "Never mind!" He exclaimed and rolled up his towel under his arm, "I'm leaving."

He half pushed, half kicked the car door open, "Later, jackass." He was out before I could even say goodbye, and was disappearing with his bag and towel towards the hospital.

I wondered if he really was okay with all this... He seemed to be but...

I also wondered what that last question was gonna be...

For some reason, I didn't think he'd be all that willing to share what he was about to say.


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N: Thank you so much for reading this far! Don't forget to review!_

**Chapter Eight**

**Double Vision**

There was companionable silence between Feliciano and me as we prepared to close. The cafe was almost deserted now and I was wiping down the counters as he cleaned the coffee machine. The one final customer was keeping to himself by the window. I looked up at him; he was just watching the rain.

"So what's up after this?" I asked, in a voice soft enough not to disturb the last solitary customer.

"For me?" Feliciano turned around, from the coffee machine and threw the dirty cloth he had used into the trash, "I'm paying my brother a visit!" He smiled brightly, "He's in the hospital right now."

"The hospital?" That was where Lovi was right now, "That's bad, did he get hurt?"

Feliciano sighed and lowered his head, "I wish..." He looked at me again, "He's sick... He's very sick."

I knew how knowing a person like that felt, "Oh... I'm sorry." I said quietly and put an arm around him, "I've got a friend who's sick too." I told him. Feliciano had no idea about Lovi and I had never mentioned it. I guess until now it hadn't felt needed.

Feliciano attempted a sad smile, "It's pretty bad isn't it?"

I nodded, "I try not to think about it when I go see him."

Lost in our conversation, we didn't even notice our last customer on his way out until the little bell above the door tinkled and he was gone. Using the newspaper he was just reading as a shield against the downpour of rain.

I let Feliciano go from my supportive half hug and stretched out, before undoing my apron, "I guess that's closing time. Hey, want me to drive you to the hospital? It's raining hard."

Feliciano looked around. Pretty much all the cleaning had been done slowly in the last hour, "You don't have to!" He waved his arms around, "The water is our friend, Toni'!"

I laughed as he hurried to go and get our coats, "You say that but you'll just get a cold!"

He passed me my jacked and I slipped it on, pulling out my car keys, "Come on, the hospital isn't that far from my house."

Besides, I had driven there and back there to here so many times now that I could probably do it with my eyes closed!

"Well..." Feliciano looked out of the window and we both winced as thunder rumbled, "Thank you 'Toni'" He said meekly.

I just chuckled as we headed to the door.

**.oO0Oo.**

Feliciano watched the rain trickle down the windshield with a sigh; he was right- the weather was so depressing!

"You could probably come and meet my brother of you'd like." He told me as the hospital, looking like an especially ominous building today came into view.

I turned towards the car park, "Are you sure about that? I don't want to interrupt your private time."

Feliciano shook his head quickly, "Don't worry about that! He'd probably like to meet someone new! He doesn't get out often..."

I was quiet as I thought about it... If I felt bad I could always just go see Lovi- it'd probably be bad of me to be so close and not say hi to him anyway, "Well then sure! He won't mind?"

Feli giggled as he let himself out his side, "He'll love you!"

I decided that was a personal compliment!

The car was locked and Feliciano were passing through the automatic doors which we probably both knew all too well. I let him into the elevator first and stood back watching him select a floor.

I leaned forward the moment his finger tip made contact with the button, "Hey! That's the floor my friend's on!"

Wait did that mean Feliciano's brother was also terminal? That floor was pretty much just the ward for the terminally ill, Lovi loved to call it the ward to hell because the ones in it were on their last chapter.

I stopped talking then and just hoped that it wasn't true. Feli had never mentioned that his brother was dying... But he never really mentioned his brother at all- not this side anyway. I was told stories and advice he had given Feli but I didn't even know his name!

The elevator arrived and the doors parted. Feliciano smiled and beckoned me, but I pretty much knew how to navigate this floor now.

We passed door after door and I just followed behind Feli, looking at each one we were coming up to and trying to guess which one he was going to turn in to. They were all the same, the same blue door all of them were closed.

Then I saw the one that was different from the others.

I never actually bothered memorising Lovi's room number because it was so easy to recognise, he always left it open. Sometimes just a little, sometimes it was wide open.

His was right there, I wondered if I should poke my head in for a wave to him.

Feliciano slowed, he placed his hand on the handle of the slightly ajar door.

Wait! That was Lovi's room!

"Feli, hang-" I tried, reaching out to stop him. This couldn't be right!

"_Fratello_! Surprise!" Feliciano cried out as he entered.

...

No way!

I opened the door further, almost stumbling inside... And there was Lovi! Trying to prise off of him the arms of none other than... Feliciano!

That would mean... This was impossible!

I stood watching, shell shocked. Feliciano, my friend and my employee for years was Lovino's _brother_!?

The brother who apparently worked too much that he could never visit was Feliciano. Feliciano's crazy brother who he'd mention was Lovino...

I blinked; I was starting to put it all together. They were both young Italians and now that they were so close...

How didn't I ever realise how alike they looked!?

Feliciano had the exact same slender physique... The same face with big eyes and a cute small mouth. His skin was paler but it was the same in the way it sun-kissed. It didn't stop there! They looked like twins! They even both had long eyelashes!

Of course, there were lots of differences too- but they just struck me as being so similar that I couldn't believe I missed it before! Lovi was taller; his eyes were dark green while his brother's (!) were hazel; Lovi's face was rounder and while Feliciano had some freckles across his nose, Lovino's skin was uninterrupted olive tan (except when he was flushing with anger).

It took a moment before Lovi's eyes landed on me as I stood across the room, too shocked to speak. Lovino seemed to freeze up so much that even Feliciano took notice.

"I better be so drugged up right now that one of you is a fucking hallucination." He looked between us.

Feliciano cast a look over to me, "Lovi! This is my boss!" He stood up straight, not seeming to notice how Lovi and I were fixed on each other in total awe.

"This is... Your brother?" I wasn't actually sure which of them I addressed the question to. I kept looking between them. I had known Feli for so long! How could Lovino be his brother!?

Lovino shifted and glared at me, "You better not know Feli well."

Feliciano looked bewildered, his eyes narrowing as he started to get it, "... Do you to know each other?"

Lovi snorted, "Unfortunately." He crossed his arms and continued to shoot daggers at me. I gave him a confused look... I know he liked to be so snappy, but now he looked genuinely mad...

"Lovino is..." I tore my eyes away from him to look at his brother, "He's the friend I was just talking about! He and I have been together a lot recently! Hasn't he told you how I took him swimming yesterday?"

Slowly, Feliciano shook his head. It was obvious he had no idea that this happened... Lovi hadn't mentioned me to his family even once?

"A-And, Lovi!" I continued, deciding no one needed to wait any longer to join all the dots, "I'm the owner of the cafe Feli works in... We see each other every day..."

Lovino's face crumpled a little, "That's just fucking perfect, isn't it?"

I didn't need to listen hard to that to know he didn't think this was perfect at all.

But how could this be bad? Didn't he want us to meet? Was he gonna keep me separate from the rest of his life that I'd never meet his family?

Feliciano hadn't even heard of me being around Lovino, "Lovi... _Fratello_, why didn't you tell me you were getting other visitors? Gramps and I were getting worried sick about you being all alone!"

That's right- this meant Feliciano was the brother that never visited because of work! I had to get to the bottom of that...

Lovi could only return a shrug, "I don't know." Was the mumbled replied, not looking at either of us.

Feliciano and I exchanged a confused look, "Didn't you ever want us to meet?" I probed; he certainly didn't seem thrilled about this revelation.

"Fuck no."

That hurt... I didn't want it to; he hadn't explained why so it was unfair to be upset by that... But it hurt none the less.

"You could have still told me there was someone!" Feliciano insisted, "Why didn't you even tell us?"

Lovi who, until now, had been glaring at his bed sheets looked to us, "I said I don't know! If you came here just to yak like this you can both leave!"

I blinked as Feliciano flinched, both of us made clear that he wasn't giving anything away.

"How about we take this elsewhere?" I spoke up, trying to catch the mood in the room before it fell to far, "This room is stifling right? Who wants to head back to the cafe?"

"Isn't it closed?" Feliciano asked.

I gave a little laugh and fished the keys out of my pocket, jangling them at him, "For the boss it's never closed."

Lovino gave an exaggerated sigh, "Why would I want to go from one _dump_ to another?"

I froze for a second before slowly heading over and perching on the end of the bed. He looked like he was about to protest to me sitting there but I spoke first,

"Lovi... This is my cafe... My life." I couldn't help but feel like that comment was a little across the line, "You've not seen it, have you?"

He shook his head.

"It means a lot to me, I put of work into that place..." I tilted my head trying to get our eyes to meet, "Why don't you give it a try? Because that upset me a little, okay?"

He didn't have a retort to that. He just sat there, I doubt he expected me to take comments like that to heart, I usually didn't! But my cafe... Well, it was different.

"I want to shower first." He finally told me and my spirits lifted a little.

I grinned, "But just went swimming yesterday!"

"Yeah and I haven't washed since! I'm all sweaty." He pulled away the covers and got up... Oh my... I was surprised he was okay he was okay with Feli and I watching him wandering around in just a big sweater and grey boxers.

He grabbed clothes and a towel that had been dumped on the chair next to his bed. It was same Mickey Mouse towel from the day before, probably still damp, and reached amongst all the used tissues, paper cups, books, magazines, and bottles that covered the surface of his night stand completely and took a shampoo bottle. He dumped them inside his en suit bathroom before turning back to us.

"This door doesn't damn lock, so both of you ladies better not peek. I'll be listening for the door opening."

Feli laughed, "We would never peek! Have a nice shower!" He even gave Lovi a wave, but it was only met with Lovi rolling his eyes before shutting the door.

There was a quiet for a while, only the hum of the shower going.

Eventually, Feliciano took the seat next to the bed, "Don't think he never mentioned you to me is because he doesn't like you enough..."

That perked my attention, it had been my worry ever since I realised that Lovi hadn't told anyone about us, "I just thought the stuff we did together was exciting enough for him to tell people."

"Oh, no! It isn't that! It won't be!" Feli shook his head, "No, no! It's just Lovino... He does strange things. I don't know why he decided to keep this quiet from gramps and I, but it won't be that, I promise."

I nodded, deciding to accept this, I mean; Feli probably did know Lovi pretty well, right? "Thanks..."

Inching closer I noticed that Feliciano looked like a picture of curiosity. It was like I had a top secret! "So, Toni... What_ are_ you guys doing together?"

I laughed lightly, "It's been crazy! I've been teaching you how to swim, planning to go on a hot air balloon ride with him... We're completing his bucket list." Oh... There it was, 'bucket list' that little reminded that Lovi was going to die. The very nature of what he and I were doing was because he was going to pass away. No question about it.

Feliciano nodded, "A bucket list, huh? I never even really thought he had one of those!"

I shrugged, "Well he seems pretty passionate about what's on there- swimming at least!" I thought back to him struggling in the pool and how frustrated it got him when he couldn't manage it. His reason for wanting to learn to... He convinced me then that this bucket list were things he really did want.

Feliciano nodded, "That makes sense! He always wanted to learn how to swim! Well... He never _said_ so, but I always knew. He just didn't want Grandpa to know. Grandpa would try to make it happen, we all knew he would. Even though he couldn't afford it."

"He never insured Lovi's health..." I murmured, faintly remembering a conversation in which Lovino told me Feliciano told me he never go family visits because they were working.

Feli nodded, "It wasn't very good for any of us. But I work too now so we can eat, pay the bills... And we don't have sell stuff so much anymore!"

I smiled, glad to hear things were okay, but I had a feeling things were harder for Feliciano than he let on, "You don't just work at the cafe do you?" No way did his salary get him enough to pay for anything like that, not even close.

Feliciano's eyes widened and he drew back from me, "I... I" I don't think he expected me to figure that out somehow, and I had a feeling he thought I wouldn't like the idea that he was 'cheating' on his job with me, "The cafe is my main job, I promise!" He cried out, "I'll never slack off!"

"Hey, no, it's okay!" I stopped him before he got too flustered, "I'm not angry!"

He still looked anxious, "Are you sure? Please don't fire me! It's my only full time job!"

"I won't. You're a great waiter Feli, calm down." I watched as he started to look less restless, "But what else do you do?"

He sighed and closed his eyes as he went through his day, "From six until the cafe opens I work the early morning shift at a supermarket, then I go to the cafe and once that's done I usually work until ten at the movie theatre as a cleaner... On the days when the cafes closed I do extra time at the supermarket." He leaned back, "Grandpa is a high school janitor week days, he's a nightclub bouncer at night and on the weekend he's a sales assistant in day at a store that sells lawn mowers and a pizza delivery guy at night. But we both make sure we have days off that match so we can visit Lovino! I don't think he knows we have so many jobs... So keep it quiet okay? He'd only feel like a burden."

I nodded as he finished, I could imagine Lovi thinking that way, "It is a lot." I commented. I couldn't cope with that kind of schedule, but I guessed, when it was family on the line...

"Neither of us have a college education, and I'm a high school dropout so that's the kind of work we need to do." He gave me a small smile, "The theatre is closed today, I think it's being fitted with a new sound system or something."

I looked at the creases in the pillows that Lovi had made, he wasn't kidding when he said they worked a lot... Feliciano and his Grandpa strained themselves to the bone.

And here I was taking over a third more of the money Feliciano got because I was the boss!

"Feli, I—"

The door opened then, "You can stop making out or whatever, I'm back."

I stood up quickly, my previous train of thought gone, "You're done!"

He was just in a simple outfit, his hair wet and tousled as he threw the clothes he had on before and his towel onto the bed.

"Lovino, no!" Feliciano got to his feet and took the towel, "This is soaked! It'll stink if you don't hang it up to dry!"

Lovi sat on the bed to put on some shoes, "Leave it, I'll do it when I get back!"

Still, Lovi didn't complain as Feliciano wandered around the room, humming under his breath as he took the towel with him, looking for a place to hang it up.

That was cute! Lovi had a soft spot for his brother!

"There we are!" Feli called from the bathroom and we could hear the billowing of fabric as Feliciano straightened it out and hung it over the heater in the bathroom.

Without even a muttered complaint Lovi got up , "Then let's get going..." But then of course he had to add in some snark, just for good measure, "I don't know why the hell I'm doing this."


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N: This chapter is up a day early because… IT'S MY BIRTHDAYYYYY I CAN READ SMUT LEGALLY! I'm also an adult now :/  
BUT YEAH HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME- A PERFECT PRESENT WOULD BE LOTS OF REVIEWS (hint hint).  
Really though, I hope you enjoy the chapter, as usual, thanks for reading and remember your reviews keep me doing this ;D_

**Chapter Nine**

**Breathe.**

It was tranquil in the empty cafe. Lovi had put his phone in a cup for a kind of speaker so music could play as we listened to the storm outside.

"Who wants a drink?" I finally asked. We had been huddled around a table for the last ten minutes, recovering from only the two short walks to and out of the car. We were drenched! The rain had gotten more intense since the cafe closed twenty minutes before hand. But that was okay! It just made being in here even warmer, "I can't do coffee, the machine's already been cleaned up for the day."

"What you got?" Lovi's voice came from behind me as I opened the fridge and decided to cut us each a slice of carrot cake that was about to go stale if it didn't get eaten soon.

"Name something, I'll tell you if we've got it." I was actually yet to hear Lovi make comments about not liking this place. I felt a little triumphant, I had proved to him that this place wasn't the dump he thought it was gonna be, hadn't I?

"Herbal tea?"

"We've got peppermint!"

"Hit me with that."

"Feli?"

Feliciano's footsteps came from behind me, "I can make my own hot chocolate."

I put my hand on his arm as he started to reach for the sachets of hot chocolate powder, "No, no, it's fine, sit down! I can do it."

Feliciano just laughed lightly, "It's not like I don't know how to make them!"

I took shoulders and turned him around. He gave a little startled, "Huh?!" But I ushered him away,

"Go! I'm making myself one so it's no trouble, take a seat!" I laughed as I continued to push him all the way back to his chair and down onto it. Lovi watched us, his cheeks puffed out as he looked as us both.

Did he feel a little left out maybe? I gave him a small wave and he looked away from me before I headed back behind the counter.

Soon enough we were all sitting around the table, eating cake, sipping hot drinks, letting ourselves hide away from the bad weather and giving ourselves a break from our individual personal storms! All our worries, everything that bothered us... Well maybe not so much for the other two as both of them seemed set on telling me all the embarrassing stories he could about the other!

"Felicano only realised last week that MCR and My Chemical Romance were the same fucking band."

That one made me laugh, "Really Feli?" I asked him as Feliciano blushed next to me, "I don't listen to them and I got that!"

Feliciano put his face in his hands, "It's hard to realise these things..."

"MCR isn't even a weird nickname!" Lovi exclaimed, "It's an acronym!" He grabbed his phone, "'Tonio, look, I even have the fucking text he sent."

Feliciano gave an embarrassed little wail but I just winked at him and leaned in, letting myself take in the scent of Lovi's freshly washed hair as he scrolled through his messages.

Lovi smirked and cleared his throat, "At two minutes past eleven at night," He told me as if he had a whole audience, "I get a message that reads, 'Help! I was told to look up a band called MCR but when I google them, only My Chemical Romance comes up!'" Lovi read in dramatic voice before adding, "Scared face emoji."

"Oh dear, Feli!" I looked at the poor Italian as he cowered. I felt awful but with Lovi getting so over the top, I couldn't help but enjoy this!

"It fucking goes on!" Lovino looked like he was about to stand up with the sheer drama of this! "He then messages me again! 'Lovino, I can't find these guys anywhere, do you think this was a prank?'" And only after ten whole minutes of fucking googling MCR does he finally come to the conclusion, 'My Chemical Romance is MCR!' He explains to me with a billion fucking exclamation points and a totally inappropriate sassy dancing lady."

"I think she's pretty!"

I patted Feliciano hard on the back, "It's okay, Feli!" I assured him even if it was through laughter at his expense, "We all have our days, right?"

"W-Well!" Feliciano looked at his brother, "What about the time when you were thirteen and I walked in on you-"

"No!" Lovi did stand up, his protest so sudden and loud that it startled me, "No, no, no!" He continued, "You can't tell anyone that! You swore not to tell!"

"Tell me what?" I asked, bemused. What could have possibly gotten Lovi suddenly into such a state?

"That I wa-" Feli tried again, but, bless him, Lovino had lunged over and clamped his hand right over his brother's mouth.

"You swore not to say anything!" Lovi said again, this time through gritted teeth.

Feliciano pulled the hand away and frowned, "Ve? I thought I only swore not to tell Grandpa?"

"You tell no one!" Lovi insisted.

I laughed, "Tell me what though?"

"None of your business." Lovi hissed at me.

But it was just then that something out the window caught Feliciano's attention, "Huh!?" He hurried on over to the window, "Is that Ludwig!?"

I rose and followed, peering out into the rain. He was right, there was certainly someone there! And he looked a lot like Ludwig!

"We need to let him in! Look!" He pointed a finger towards the large blonde figure whose umbrella wasn't helping him even a little bit and looked wetter than I even thought possible! He even looked like he was about to be knocked over by the wind.

"Ludwig!" Feliciano called, already out the door and running out across the street to the other man.

I watched, keeping a look out as Feliciano ran at the blond.

"And who the hell is he going after?" Lovi asked, coming up beside me and gazing out as Feliciano grabbed Ludwig's arm before the guy could get too far,

"He's a customer of ours! He comes in everyday..." I nudged Lovi's side, "I think he comes to see Feli."

"Him?" Lovi's expression went sour, "He looks like a scary jerk. I bet he's a shady guy."

"What? No!" I smiled, "He's really nice!"

Lovi left the window, "Feli could do better."

"Ludwig looks intimidating, but he's sweet!" I followed Lovi back to the table, "Who do you think he should get?"

Lovi shrugged, "Someone nice... Sweet... Handsome, caring, fun, optimistic, strong, passionate, all that shit. That kind of all round perfect guy."

I sat down in Feliciano's seat, the one closest to him, "Is a perfect guy to you? He's all of that."

Lovi paused for a second, "Well he'll have to be damn good if he wants to stick around, especially given Feli's gonna fucking lose me."

It was then the door opened and Feliciano was back, pulling Ludwig in by the wrist, "We can't do a coffee, but there's tea and hot chocolate!"

Ludwig looked startled as he was pulled inside, I don't think he had been given much choice about being taken in here, "You don't have to do this." He told Feli for what was probably the third time.

Lovi's eyes narrowed and I could almost see the way he was assessing Ludwig, looking him up and down and then up and down again.

"What would you like?" Feliciano carried out, pulling out the fourth chair at our table.

Ludwig sighed in defeat, "Hot water, please."

Feliciano frowned, "Just hot water? Would you like tea?"

"No thank you, just hot water."

Slowly Feliciano nodded as if holding out to see if Ludwig would add anything, "Okay..." He finally said and got to pouring a mug of plain hot water... Feliciano was right; it was a weird thing to ask for, especially when this was the one chance to grab a free hot drink! But I sort of expected it from Ludwig.

"That's dumb."

Oh. Looks like Lovi also thought it was a little odd.

He carried on, his eyes locked onto Ludwig, "Why are you getting something so boring and plain? Are you trying to impress him or some shit?"

"Lovino, no!" Feliciano almost ran over, drink in hand, "Don't say that stuff!"

"I don't like him." Lovi told me, "He's German too, they're usually strange."

"Excuse me?" I don't think Ludwig expected to be taken in to face all this...

I laughed lightly, hoping to bring some peace, laughter and joy, "Lovi, don't be silly!"

Lovi snorted, having none of this, "He's the one being silly if he thinks he's gonna get Feli's ass."

Ludwig cleared his throat, "I think there is a misunderstanding."

"Uh-huh? Wanna fucking fight!?" Lovi suddenly stood up again.

"_Fratello_! Please!" Feliciano was on the verge of tears and Ludwig was looking to me for some understanding why things had suddenly kicked off! I was a little preoccupied with my best friend who seemed to be beyond the snappiness he ever was with me!

Lovi seemed to have no intention on stopping, "Don't just look at me like I'm an idiot, dammit! You know you want him! Everyone does!" He slammed both his fists on the table, "Isn't this fucking great!? I find out these two damn know each other now _you_ show up, you asshole! You..."

"Lovino, stop it, you can't say this stuff!"

"I-I..." Lovi looked like he was trying to continue, but he was swaying on his feet a little... Was he okay?"

"_Fratello_!" Feliciano and lunged forward as Lovino suddenly toppled over.

Oh my goodness...

… I…

What? No…

Had he just fainted!?

All I could hear was my heartbeat in my ears. What was happening?

What was happening!?

I threw myself out of my chair, I had frozen, and the other two were down next to him. Lovino he...

He wasn't talking, moving, his eyes were wide open but he wasn't doing anything!

"I-I don't know!" Feli had been talking, "He's done this before, it's when he gets worked up, but I don't know what to do!"

"Lovino! Lovino!" Ludwig was calling his name but getting nothing back.

I peeked in past the other two and wished I hadn't. He was pale, it didn't look right. I was almost sick with worry, "Bring him to the back room!"

Feliciano swallowed and nodded, "Come on, Lovi, can you get up?"

But despite Feli urging him on, Lovi didn't have to stand; Ludwig just picked him up like there was nothing to him. I didn't like the way Lovi's relaxed hand hung there. His arm dangled, his fingers curled like his mind had forgotten about them, even his neck didn't want to support him.

"Antonio..." A choked murmur came from the bundle in Ludwig's arms, "I... Uh...!" He seemed to slowly fill back into his body. He was talking again... Thank goodness!

I held the door open for Ludwig, hurrying inside so I could pull out my office chair. This would be okay, right? It was padded and comfy... Ludwig set the small figure down on the seat, who now looked a lot tinier than usual.

I kneeled in front of Lovino, taking his chin to get him to look at me, "Lovi, look at me, okay? You fainted; do you understand where you are?"

Feliciano was suddenly next to me, taking his hand and patting it, "You're okay, _fratello_!"

Lovi leaned forward, pushing his hair back, "What the hell happened?"

Feliciano shifted to sit on the floor, "You got too angry again..." Feliciano's lower lip started to tremble, "I tried to stop you!"

"Feliciano." The rumble of Ludwig's deeply accented voice floated over from the doorway.

I nudged Feliciano gently, "Go to him, I can look after Lovino."

Feliciano looked at me quickly before Lovi and back to me, he was scandalised, "Leave him!?"

I smiled gently, "I don't think he needs to see you get upset, I'll look after him, I promise."

I didn't need to do anymore convincing. Feliciano was up and gone, running to the other man in the doorway. They collided, Feli didn't slow down as he ran at Ludwig, but the only response Ludwig gave was wrapping him arms around Feli for a moment and closing his eyes before leaving the room and letting the door shut behind him.

I stood up and leaned against my desk just observing Lovi before he finally spoke,

"Where the heck am I?"

I smiled; glad to see his mind back in order, "My office! This is where I do my business-y stuff."

He looked over the desk in front of him, the closed laptop, the pen pot, the files stacked in one corner of the desk, the pin board with bank statements and receipts filling it, "It looks to neat to be yours." He concluded.

I laughed, mostly from relief; he was fine. He was _fine_. He was even getting some colour back, "This stuff is too important to me to let it get messy."

He nodded, looking around the room, "Looks like boring shit."

I grinned, "It is!" I moved over to a corner of the room and grabbed the blanket I had there before going back to him and placing it over him.

"The fuck is this?" He held the pink blanket out, examining it.

"I thought you might be cold!" I paused before deciding to address what just happened, "You passed out."

He decided to accept the blanket! He wrapped it around him and snuggled down into its cosiness, "I know. It happens."

"Is it because..." I think we had all forgotten that Lovi was ill. He was weak even if he had the strongest will. I guess that's what they meant by having strong spirit.

He just nodded, "Five months and you won't have to deal with it."

"Lovi..."

"Well it's true!" He pulled the blankets tighter, "How could I even forget!? Every time I start to, my body gives up on me."

"I don't just 'put up' with anything." I told him seriously, "I don't want you ever to go."

"Our whole whatever this is, is fucking built on the fact I don't have any time left!" He was starting get animated again, "That's what I am right!? It's like you can pretend you're from the Make a Wish Foundation!"

"Please calm down!" I insisted, above denying all these ridiculous claims, his health came first, and he was putting it in danger again! What did I do if he fainted again? "That's not any of it! Lovi, do you think I just want to see you finish your bucket list so I could feel good about myself? No... No... Lovi, that isn't it at all." I tilted my head, giving him a gentle look, "There's more than that, and I think you know it." I sighed and look into his deep green eyes, "Why didn't you tell Feli about me?" I asked leaning towards him a little. "You didn't even say you were getting any other visitors... I thought you might have said something... We've been doing pretty exciting stuff, right?"

He cast his eyes aside," I just didn't."

I tried to read his expression, but it was no use. Lovi had a wall, once it was up, it was up.

"Don't you like doing all things? We went swimming; I'm taking you out partying! It's all the stuff you wanted to do... Didn't you want to even mention it?" I wanted to reach for him but was almost afraid to. I didn't want to push him away.

He didn't move. He didn't even blink as I hinted to how it hurt. Eventually he spoke in a quiet voice, "I didn't want you guys to meet."

I blinked, that seemed to go back a little to his reaction when he realised that Feli and I knew one another. He wanted it to be a hallucination. He was angry.

"Why?" I asked, because I just couldn't think why, "Isn't this good?"

"He'll steal you." He answered quickly. He knew that without even thinking. He had considered this before.

"Steal me?"

"Yeah." He pulled the blanket up around his shoulders, "Because you'll realise how shitty I am to be around, and he's just a better version of me, who works hard, speaks nicely, acts all cutesy and sweet." His voice was honest, like he believed what he was saying.

"Lovi, he's nothing like you!" They only looked similar! Aside from that, they were polar opposites!

"Then why does everyone always like him more?! Why was I always the one left out when the relatives came to visit? I'm second best! When Feli's around I've got no chance. You even saw it there; Ludwig was all over Feli. He loved him." He closed his eyes, "Everyone does. And if they all like him better why won't you?"

I shook my head slowly, even if he couldn't see it, "You're not second best." I murmured.

He opened his eyes again. I could see his bottom lashes were wet; he seemed to be getting so worked up… Over _me. _

"And I just make people hate me!" He sounded panicked and afraid, like he wanted to cry for help but couldn't, "I want them back but I'm stupid and say stupid stuff that pushes them away! Like calling your cafe a dump!" Now he was breaking down, his shoulders shaking. "I didn't mean it! This place is nice!"

"Lovi, Lovi, Lovi..." I tried to slow him down. This was such a strange experience. Like seeing him naked. He was beautiful and delicate.

It was amazing how much he hid that.

"Please don't leave me out for him! I don't wanna be alone anymore!"

I kneeled in front of his chair, "Listen, please…" I was quiet until his wet eyes met mine. Then I carried on in a soft tone,

"I work with Feli _every day_; I have done for years before we even met! Visiting you is still the highlight of my day." I tried to emphasise every word I was saying; it needed to sink in! "Lovi, I think you've stolen me away from him!" I laughed to try and raise his spirits.  
"But you and him get on so well..." He smirked humourlessly, his old charm still there, "If you guys are both gay lords you'll probably elope and make a fucking love nest."

That really made me laugh, "No lovi! He's lovely..." I winked, "But I think he's taken."

Lovi raised a brow, "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

I grinned at him and gestured for him to get up and follow me as I crept to the door, "You wanna see something?"

He looked a little cynical, but still rose up, "What?"

I beckoned him as I pressed against the door, "Just come on over here!"

He did as I asked without much more protest and joined me.

"Take a look!" I stage whispered as I slowly opened the door and got him to peek out, placing a hand on his back.

I craned my head over his just to make sure that he was seeing the right thing.

He was. There they were... Feli and Ludwig, getting so close it was hard to imagine they hadn't been talking like that for years. I decided to show this to Lovi at the perfect moment... Feliciano had recovered from seeing his brother faint and was now messing around with Ludwig.

Ludwig still had his stony expression, but that wasn't fooling anyone! He had a small smile and ruffled Feli's hair affectionately. I swear Feli was playing up the whole cute and silly thing just for Ludwig!

"That bastard!" Lovi hissed before pulling back, thankfully he didn't decide to go after Ludwig; he just paced across the room and back, "Feli can do better than him. Way fucking better. He's my fucking brother!"

I chuckled, "I don't think he wants to do better, you should see those two every day! It's so cute!"

He rolled his eyes, "Gross."

I just smiled as I went to take the seat he left, "My point is; he's taken. You're my special one, Lovi. I think both of you guys are great, but I'm not leaving you alone- no matter who I meet. Not because I feel bad for you, but because you really matter to me."

I looked over at him. He had narrowed his eyes at me and tightened his fists, "You're such a fucking dumbass!" He jabbed a finger at me, talking through clenched teeth, "Someone's gonna stab you some day and you'll just smile at them until they feel so bad they stop!"

"That's a good thing, right?"

He snorted, "If you like a knife in your guts." He walked over to me, "Now move. That's my seat

"Hmm, you snooze, you lose"! I spun around in the chair once

He folded his arms, "Move or I'll sit on you."

"That's okay!" I even opened my arms for him, "I don't mind!"

He grumbled, "I'm not kidding!"

"I never said you were."

"Fine!" He turned around and sat right on me. I pulled him on a little further... There! Now we could both sit down.

He cleared his throat after a few seconds and shifted awkwardly, "'Tonio..."

"Hm?"

"This is the part where you're supposed to _move_!"

I just put my arms around him to keep him there, "Why would I?"

He huffed, "I'm sitting on your lap! It's weird!"

I leaned back, "Well you're light! I don't mind it." I bounced my knee a little, "This is nice!"

"I'm not that light!" I couldn't feel him trying to press down on me, prove me wrong.

"Yeah you are!" I insisted, "When Ludwig was carrying you in here, he looked like he could throw you like a baseball!"

"That's fucking reassuring."

He made no moves to get off me and I tried my best to stay still under him.

"Lovi?" I finally said after a little bit of comfortable silence

"What?"

"You cry a lot." I informed him.

He clicked his tongue, "Not like I can help it! Shut the hell up!"

I just pulled him back to lean on me, "Okay."

He stayed there for forty minutes, neither of us attempted to talk. I preoccupied myself by looking at him, wondering what he was thinking and watching his head bob up and down in time with my steady breathing as he lay on my chest.

The next time he spoke, it almost took me by surprise, "Can't I just sleep here tonight?"

"In the cafe?"

I felt him nod.

"Do you want to get in trouble at hospital tomorrow?"

He let out a long, long sigh, "No."

I ran my fingers through his hair, "Then let me drive you back. Come on." I stretched my arms out.

He didn't move, "Carry me to the car."

"Carry you?"

"I thought I was light."

I gave a little laugh, "Then sure!"

He stood up quickly the moment I agreed, "I was _kidding_. Let's go."

I smiled, "We'll come back here sometime."

He stood, looking around the pokey room and gave a long soft sigh, "We'd better."


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N: Thank you so much for the birthday wishes and reviews last week! I had a great day and you guys made it even better!  
I have been thinking… I was thinking I might I might do the next chapter from Lovi's POV. I did notice a review saying it might be nice to hear how he's feeling at this point given Lovi seems to like to hide his feelings a little. If it goes down well I might do a few more from his POV throughout the story. _

_On that note- I'd love to hear any other suggestions on what might make this fic more fun to read- as long as it doesn't alter the plot too much I will consider all suggestions you may have!_

_As per usual, thanks so much for reading, please keep reviewing, they keep me going!_

**Chapter Ten**

**Money, Money, Money**

I thought a lot about our evening in the cafe, right through to Friday afternoon. I was full of conflicting emotions.

Lovi had fainted... That's something that got me. Every time I thought about it was like a punch in the gut. He would hate for me to think about him like I was... But he _was_ weak. No positive thinking could change that... I touched my fingertips to my lips... Oh... I was still getting to know him and we were running out of time. He was like a frail old man.

Lovino was going to leave me.

I leaned forward on the counter and put my head in my hands. There was nothing I could do about it... I looked over to Feliciano.

There was another thing that I could help...

I called Arthur over, "Hey..." I tapped him on the shoulder in greeting; "You think you can man the place for a little while? I need to talk to Feliciano; I'm not sure how long it'll take. "

He looked over to me with a small frown, "I can do that... Is Feli in trouble?"

I smiled warmly and beckoned Feliciano over, "Oh no, this is just something we need to get figured out. Don't worry about it! We'll be back, call me if it gets too busy."

I smiled as Feliciano made his way over, he looked a little bewildered, but I guess I never hinted anything about talking to him.

"Ve? Toni'?" he bit his lower lip, clasping his hands together as he looked between Arthur and I.

"Come with me, Feli!" I kept cheery, "This won't take long!"

He followed me in silence into the back office. The chair was pulled out from the table. It was like that from when Lovi had sat on it together. Him on my lap. I hadn't touched it since. Even the blanket he had still lay strewn across the floor... I didn't want to touch it. Ever since the fainting incident I had become a little obsessed with traces of Lovino; I was scared of losing him and the feeling of hopelessness I had as the image of him slipping through my fingers made me want to keep all I could. I had even made a copy of our text conversations and backed them all up. Just so I knew those traces were still there, like a safety net. I had parts of him that weren't going to leave me.

So I didn't sit down, and I knew Feli was too agitated by this sudden meeting to try and take a seat either. We stood and let the particles of him sitting on me; conformable silence, rain outside and his soft cheek pressed to my chest remain.

"Toni'!" Feli snapped me out of my brief moment alone with my memory with a panicked cry out, "I'm sorry! I can fix it; I promise this job really matters! I don't know what I'd do without it!"

He looked like he might have carried on but I held up both my hands to stop him, "Woah, woah!" I laughed quietly, "Feli what do you think this is about? "

He looked at the floor, "You... Don't like me having more jobs?"

I smiled and sighed lightly, "Feli it's not that... Well in a way... "

The poor guy... Maybe I shouldn't have put it that way! He looked like he had seen a ghost!

"Its nothing bad!" I insisted, "I just... Well I know now about you working so much and I _get_ that it's hard! But Lovi told me how little you guys get to see him, and I get you can't really help it! " I paused; it was time I got to the point, "But I still don't think it's _fair_ to him. So I'm giving Saturdays off, starting tomorrow. You'll still be paid but don't come to work. There's some things I want you to do!"

Feli looked at me with eyes like saucers. He sure didn't expect this! "Toni'!" his immediate reaction was protest, "No! That's the busiest day!"

I reached out to put my hands on both of his shoulders, "I know, but it's also a good day to have free. You have to live! You can't work all the time! I want you to go out and have some fun. We can cope here."

He twisted his hands together, "I don't know... "

Why did he sound so unsure? I thought Feli would be ecstatic! This was paid leave every week...

"Listen," I was firm- he had to know that this was happening, he had no choice, "I'm not doing this for no reason. For at least an hour every Saturday I want you to go see Lovi. He needs you around more."

"Lovi?" Feli raised his brow, he had just clicked as to what this was about, "But Lovi's fine... We asked him; he says he's fine with the visits!"

Oh... My, had Lovi really said that? I felt a twinge as I thought of how Lovino hid his insecurities so much. He did it so well that I guess Feli really couldn't be blamed for thinking Lovi was okay,

"He's not fine." I said softly, "Feliciano, he might tell you he is but you don't see him the way I do. He loves you too much to make you worry, but he needs you more."

Feli didn't say anything; he just squeezed his hands into fists,

"I wish he'd tell us this stuff!" Feli finally cried and put his hands up to his face; "He even got all mad when we were suggested he was lonely!"

I smiled softly. He got it now, "Take the time off," I repeated, "Not for you, but for him. Okay?"

Feli nodded and launched himself at me, giving me a tight hug. I ruffled his hair. Saturdays might get a little more frantic with one man down, but I knew this was the right thing. It was like a weight had been lifted.

"I'm also swapping our salaries." I mentioned as he finally let go. There, that was the next thing. Almost as soon as I realised I was controlling the income of the one who struggled so much to pay hospital bills I knew I needed to do this. It was only right considering our lifestyles!

He seemed almost more dumbstruck by this than he was by my first offer, "But you make almost double what I do!" he cried.

"Exactly!" I laughed, "And I don't _need_ it! You do!" I grinned and nudged him, "There's no point in refusing- it's happening! We both know you need it. I don't care what you do with the money- you quit one job, or your grandpa does, or both of you just take more time off, just use it to help yourselves."

Even Feli didn't try to get out of this! "Thank you!" he seemed to squeeze himself tight, delirious with delight, "Thank you so much!" he gasped, "Can I call grandpa?"

I chuckled, but I was secretly bubbling with how glad I was to see him like this, like a miracle had just happened. And I guess it was a miracle! A miracle that I was able to do this. Something so easy for me could do so much!

"Sure thing. I'll be in the cafe again, join me when you're all done!"

Feli whipped out his battered phone and started to look through his contacts. I gave him a wink as I passed.

Arthur looked like he had been on his toes but not overwhelmed while I was gone. I gave him a wave as I entered back into the buzz of the cafe and he nodded as he took two lattes to a table. I followed him with my eyes; just enough to catch the sight of Ludwig walk through the door. I noticed how he immediately scanned the room; he was looking for Feli... What a shame! Feli was still in the phone! As if on cue I heard a loud happy laugh come from somewhere behind me in the hall en route to the office. I grabbed a pad; at least I knew Ludwig and his reason for being here. I could explain Feli's absence!

Recently, Feliciano hadn't even carried a pad to Ludwig's table; he knew the huge man's order.

"Hey there, Ludwig!" I greeted him.

He looked up to me, startled by the unfamiliar voice, "Antonio? Where..." he looked around, "Is Feliciano sick today?"

I smiled and shook my head, "he's taking a phone call; he'll serve you once he's done."

He nodded solemnly, "That's... Good." he made a sound of relief, "He's okay after the incident?"

He sounded so serious it caught me right off guard! Incident? Had something awful happened and Feli didn't say?

... "Oh that!" I finally exclaimed out after a few moments of staring at him. He was talking about when Lovi fainted. Of course he'd be thinking about that, all of us were scared. I wasn't sure of how much Ludwig knew, but he saw how Lovino just tumbled to the floor. "He's okay now. "So's Lovino. Feliciano is just away in the back."

"Okay. Yes, thank you..." He sat back, "I'd like a black coffee and brown bread with butter."

I furrowed my brow... That wasn't on our menu. We could make it I guess, but most food here came ready made!

But this was Ludwig's regular, right? Feliciano had always served him before so I never really got to know what Ludwig had here. I guessed that it won't be hard to butter bread, but Feliciano had just done that extra work from the start every day!

"Feli should get that to you. " I murmured as I noted down the rogue order, "It was nice seeing you the other night!" I waved before starting to back away from him.

He suddenly stopped me, "Wait!" I froze before looking over to him expectantly.

His cool, sharp eyes met mine and he cleared his throat, "It is not as if I have reason to believe otherwise... But would you happen to know if Feliciano is... Ehem... Single?"

I looked at him in surprise. Did he really just say that? Goodness... Did he plan to make a move?!

"He's single!" I informed with probably a little too much enthusiasm, "Yes he's very single... And I think he'd be really glad to _change_ that!"

Okay, so that may have been a white lie. In fact, Feli often told me he was too busy to get any kind of romance... But now he had more time! He got Saturdays off and I was willing to bet Feli would _never_ decline a date with Ludwig. Those two were obsessed with each other! Ludwig just needed to hurry up and make a move!

Pink flushed to the usually composed man's cheeks, "I-I see. Thank you." He looked down again.

I just grinned and left him to his thoughts.

**.oO0Oo.**

I didn't get home until late. It was crazy; a cupboard door came off so I had to stick around to fix it after the others had left to fix it and it really took a lot longer than I thought it would! I still got the job done and I had a working cupboard once more. It made coming home even better too.

It was already nine when I looked for dinner ideas... I should have gone shopping; I didn't have much.

I was just examining some rice when I heard the buzzing of vibration in the living room; I wandered without hurry to pick up the phone, glancing at the caller id.

Lovi was calling?

I was surprised; Lovi and I almost never called each other. Texting was just easier! Even when phone calls were used, I was always the one who started them.

I answered quickly before I missed it and tried not to sound confused, "Lovi? Hello?"

"Antonio." came the simple greeting.

I frowned. This was odd... I hadn't asked him to ring me had I? There was nothing I was supposed to do with him right now...

Thankfully, he carried on, "I heard about what you did for Feli."

There was a moment of nothing. "Oh... " I whispered. Before sitting on the couch, "I would have done it sooner if I knew the situation." I told him. I actually had no idea how he felt about this. He didn't sound angry but he was so _serious._

I heard his breathing in the other end of the line, "No one's ever done something like that for me before. "

"Like what?" Was he okay? Lovi was so calm; I couldn't figure it out.

"He told me you gave him the day off so he could visit me. I hadn't even told him I was lonely." He hesitated, "You didn't have to. You could have left it."

I smiled, "Not really, not without feeling awful."

Another long pause. What was he thinking?

"Hey, will you come up here?"

"To the hospital?"

"Yeah. I want to see you."

I laughed lightly, but I actually had a feeling he wasn't kidding, "Lovi, visiting hours are over, I can't!"

"The security isn't exactly tight, no one will see you."

I bit my lip; it was getting late, "I'm not sure about this..."

He made an irritated noise, "The first time we met was after hours and you were wandering around there by accident!"

He did have a point.

But if I got caught who knows what might happen! What if they stopped me from seeing him?

"Beginners luck?" I tried.

He didn't find that very funny, "'Tonio. Please."

And I knew I could help myself after that. He would never plead unless desperate. He really wanted me there. Was it to talk about what I did for Feli? Was it to tell me he was part horse? I had no idea. But when he needed me trying to resist him just wouldn't work. My whole life had become about this kid.

I wasn't complaining.

"Can I make dinner first?"

"Just be quick." was all he said before the line went dead.

**.oO0Oo.**

Sure enough only half an hour later I was back in the car, half the risotto I made was still warm in a container in the passenger seat.

I tried to act natural as I moved through reception and up through the wards, I even took the stairs instead of the elevator, figuring I'd be less likely to run into people. But Lovi was right, no one tried to stop me and no sirens went off as I started to head down the corridor of the ward I'd

become so familiar with.

As I approached his ajar door I slowed. What if there was a nurse in there with him or something?

I stopped, listening for voices, but it was just silent. The coast was clear.

"Lovi?" I asked, pushing the door open just enough for me to slip through.

"Tonio?'" Was the small response I got. I closed the door behind me for once, not wanting to take any chances and end up caught.

The moment the door was shut I got why he liked to have it open. The room seemed to shrink and close in around us- it was stifling, if possible I felt even more trapped in here than before.

"Took you fucking long enough." He muttered as I made my way over to him, "I started to think you weren't coming."

I smiled at him as I pulled out the chair and sat, "I needed to get dinner." I held out the tub to him, "Here! It's risotto."

He gave me a look of disdain, "Great. Why the hell are you showing me?"

I laughed, "It's for you! I accidently made extra so I thought hey! Lovi can have it!"

Actually, that was a lie. It was no accident I made enough for us both, I knew I'd bring some to him, but if I straight up told him that he'd probably get all embarrassed and flustered and tell me to shove it somewhere weird.

He was funny that way.

He took the tub from me and peered inside, "I don't have anything to eat it with."

"Here." I produced a fork from my back pocket and offered it to him. He took it with a small sigh and opened the box,

"Gross." He held the fork between two fingers, "This is still warm from your ass." He wrinkled his nose but still dug in as I watched, readying myself for a reaction.

He took a few mouthfuls before he spoke again, "Fuck. This is pretty damn good."

I breathed out relieved to see him enjoying it before noticing he had a stray grain of rice at the corner of his mouth.

"Wait a sec…" I touched his arm to slow him and got him to look at me, "You got a little…" I trailed off as I reached out and wiped the side of his mouth with me index finger. He was soft as I cleaned his mouth before offering the grain to his pink lips. There was a little trepidation in his eyes before he quickly licked my fingertip clean. It made me tense up; he was so warm. His eyes met mine then. Those amazing forest green irises only illuminated by the orange glow of his bedside lamp.

"You were right about getting in here!" I said as I drew back and he got back to eating.

"Well there's kinda fuck all to protect here. It's like, what are you gonna do? Kill us? Because I got fucking news for you, pal."

I grinned, despite how morbid his joke was. I was just glad to him normal after his out of character phone call.

There was more silence. I had noticed how quiet moments like these were getting more common between Lovi and I, and I had been feeling less of an urge to break them.

I guess we were just comfortable like this; we didn't need words so much anymore.

That made me pretty happy.

He only finished half his risotto before he said he was full. I wanted to encourage him to keep going but decided against it, he had had a decent amount, and I was enjoying this peace. I didn't want him to get angry. I took the tub and leaned down to place it next to my chair.

By the time I sat back up again, Lovi was leaning forward in bed. He was patting the space in from of him.

He wanted me to sit on the bed? But he never asked for that! If anything he was always telling me to get _off_ the bed!

I didn't ask about it- I was worried the wording of my question would make him change his mind, but I'm pretty sure he knew how eager I was. I leapt onto the bed and sat where he had been gesturing to with a speed that, judging by the look on his face, he didn't think was humanly possible!

"Chill out. You look like you need to shit." He bit out at me before shuffling under the covers and bringing out his bare legs, placing them over me.

I was surprised but made sure he didn't think it was unwelcome. I gave a content sigh and started to trace patterns on the silky skin of his ankles.

"I really wanted to see you tonight"

I glanced over to him, "Yeah… You mentioned in your call."

"You gave my brother that day off for me."

"I did."

"You swapped your salary for a waiters for my family."

"I did, that's right."

"No one's ever done that sort of thing for me before."

I paused in tracing patterns on his skin to give him a longer look, "What do you mean?"

His answer was short and clear, "You made me feel special."

He was staring out the window, watching the dark clouds drift over the twilight skyline.

"You are special."

He carried on, "You didn't need to do that for me, you'll be a worker down on a busy day and lose a hell of a lot of money. How much less will it be?"

I shrugged, "I've not really been thinking about that… Lovi, let's not think about this in numbers, huh?"

"Too bad, right now my family works in numbers. How much less? Half? A third?"

"I-I don't know!" I stammered, "You didn't need to think about it!"

"How much?"

"I've not worked it all out!"

"It's a lot right? Otherwise Feliciano wouldn't have been fucking hyperventilating earlier. And fuck you, fuck me, fuck everything! You finally made me feel worth something!"

"I don't want _money_ to make you feel like that! Stop thinking yourself as worth how much less money I'll bring in!"

"I'm not!" In a burst of frustration he kicked me in the chest, "I'm thinking of the sacrifice you made!" He gave an exasperated sigh, "Any jackass can say I'm important. It takes a _real _jackass like you to actually make a change to your life for me. You went and did that. That's what's getting me."

Wow… Saying all this… This just wasn't like him! He must have really felt something.

"You should know how much you really matter."

He lay back, "I've never felt like this before."

I stretched and looked over his relaxed form, "It would have been wrong of me to let things stay how they were. You remember how much I didn't like how little you saw family."

I noticed a novel expression on his lips, a small smile played on his lips and there was pink hue to his cheeks,

"You listened to me." He said quietly.

"Hm?"

"When I said I didn't want to be alone."

"No one wants to be alone." I assured him.

He gritted his teeth and gave me another biff to the chest with his foot, "Why are you so fucking nice?! It makes me so mad!"

I laughed and caught his ankle before he could kick me again, "I just like you!" I insisted, "I want to be nice to you Lovi!"

"Not like I deserve it."

"Don't be silly."

"All I do to you is be mean and get pissy."

I shuffled closer to him, "True… But you're also smart, funny, sweet, and insecure." I reached out to tuck his hair behind his ear, "And pretty endearing."

"I'm still lucky to know you."

"I'll give you that one! But only because I'm lucky too!"

He snorted, "Whatever the fuck you say. Thanks a lot for totally blowing my act with Feliciano and Grandpa."

"Act?"

He rolled his eyes, "Idiot, I worked so damn hard to cover up how lonely I was and you freaking ruined it in a passing comment!"

My eyes widened- he was right! I did do that!

"Sorry!" I gasped out, "If I didn't I would have never convinced Feli to take that Saturday!"

He rattled on, "Now I have to deal with sad serious phone calls like 'why didn't you tell us?' and all that crap!"

"But even if you did tell them they couldn't have fixed it!"

"Exactly!" He threw his hands up, "They'd worry their dumb asses off but couldn't have actually done anything!"

I ran my fingers through his hair, "Gosh… I get why you never sad anything." I moved my hand to scratch the back of my neck. I really did screw that up for him, "Ah… I'm sorry."

He shrugged, "Least your reason was half decent. I did get to tell them that I'd be okay now with the extra visits and stuff."

"And will you be?"

He seemed to think about this for a few seconds, "It'll be different." He concluded, "But..." He seemed momentarily bewildered, "Ever since you've been around it's been better anyway."

I'm not sure why but that made me feel warm, "We do see each other every day!" I pointed out, "Or even more! This is the second time we've seen each other in just 24 hours!"

"Yeah, yeah, and it means I can't sleep naked anymore so fuck you."

I frowned, "Why not? You still could."

He seemed very offended by this suggestion and even covered himself like he had breasts, "You trying you see me naked! You pervert! What the hell?!"

"Huh?" This was another of his explosive reactions! "No, you could just get dressed before I showed!"

"Not gonna happen until you learn to not come at a different time every morning. Jeeze, 'Tonio, keep it in your pants."

I shrugged, unaffected by any of his accusations, "Lovi, I'm Spanish."

"And?"

"That means I see naked guys all the time!"

He looked at me cynically… Didn't he trust my word?

"I'm gonna say that's not true unless the Spanish have a messed up porn obsession that I don't know about."

I laughed loudly, choosing not to answer any questions that may have come with that statement.

"Well what about nurses?" I asked, "They could come in at anytime too!"

"_They_ have probably seen naked wrinkly old men and other gross shit, so unlike you they wouldn't think it was a big deal."

I tried to push back thoughts about how anyone who saw Lovi's naked body would think it was a huge deal.

Instead I just tilted my head, "Not like I'd be made if I saw anything."

He barked a laugh, "Nice try, gaylord. I've seen enough of you; piss off"

I frowned, "You want me to go?"

"I sure as hell don't want you to start a cow farm in here."

I laughed as I nudged his legs off of me, "You're so funny Lovi!" I stood up and stretched.

"Whatever, just get your damn risotto and get out of here."

I reached down to grab my tub and yawned, "Fine, fine… I'll see you tomorrow!" I reminded him and headed for the door.

Before I could even take two steps the back of my shirt was caught, I looked over my shoulder…

Lovi was clinging on to me.

"Thank you again." He said meekly, "For what you did."

I put my hand over his,

"Don't worry about it."

It wasn't until I was sitting in the car, gazing up at my house in silence did I, putting my head in may hand, realise I had managed to do something that I never should have let happen.

I was falling in love with Lovino Vargas


	11. Chapter 11

_A/N: Hey! While our beloved Spaniard considers his feelings for a while here's some of Lovi's side of the story! I did my best with this guy but I don't know how you guys feel about this so if you do or don't like it tell me! If I get a good reception this might become more of a regular thing every few chapters so if you want to see more speak up, and if you wouldn't make sure I know that too. I want to make everyone happy!_

_Since this is experimental not so much plot goes down here and as a result ended up being shorter than usual... Sorry! But I have tried to make up for it with a little extra surprise chapter that I'll put out on a random day this week, so keep a look out ;D_

_As always, thank you for reading and don't forget to review, reviews keep me going!_

**Chapter Eleven**

**Not in **_**That**_** Way!**

LOVINO'S P.O.V-

Something about this place usually sent me to sleep.

It was the noises I think, all the ticking and beeping and other hospital noises everywhere. It may sound like they're really fucking annoying, and at first they are, I'll tell you that for free, but they're constant. They're like a rhythm. They fall in time with my breathing so it becomes like counting sheep.

Tonight was different. Fuck, I couldn't even begin to get even sorta sleepy.

I stared at the ceiling, trying to settle but nothing was fucking working. It had been ages since I got stuck like this, what the hell did I do now? Jeeze, I had no idea.

With nothing else to do my thoughts turned to Antonio.

Was he asleep already?

Probably, stupid idiot, he was weak. I bet he was out and sleeping like a log the second he was through the door.

I had been noticing a lot lately how that jackass occupied my head too damn much. He was always just _there,_ grinning like the fucker he was and going on and on like 'Lovi, Lovi, Lovi!' like a damn toddler who only knew one word.

But he had been making me less mad.

I sunk down under the covers. Ugh. It's not like I could hate him, right? Not after he stupidly did so much for me. It was so much that I probably should have hated him for making such a big deal of me.

That lousy fucking bent bookmark.

He did that whole visiting me, buying and bringing me coffee, visiting me some more, making sure other people got to visit me, making me feel less lonely...

You get the picture.

Sometimes I actually wondered if he forgot how little time we had. Why the hell would anyone do so much for a guy whose life still remaining could _literally_ be counted in fucking _weeks_?

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and felt pain shoot through my head.

Ow.

Not like I ever reminded him about how pointless all the shit he was doing was and no way did I want him to remember.

Because if he did suddenly remember then I was scared of what he might do.

Gross, I was scared.

It had been... A long time since I was last scared of something.

Aside from the whole dying thing of course.

Who the hell gave him the right to put the same kind of emotions that my own death did in me?

Antonio made me want to live. There, I said it.

He made me want to live longer. He fucking changed my life in so many ways- he didn't even just make me want to survive but actually live.

Too bad I didn't get to do either of those.

But I hadn't been so bothered about either surviving or living until him.

I guess I was just jealous.

Ew, jealous of that freak.

But that was _it_! Just jealously. I wanted to be like him, so happy and care free. Dammit, he was the embodiment of being alive, he lived a mundane and simple lifestyle but was just so pleased with it, pleased with every aspect of it. I wanted that!

I wanted to learn more about him like he wanted to learn about me. I thought a lot about the dumb stuff, like what his favourite colour was, his favourite subject at school, all the shit that he had never brought up in conversation.

It's not like I'm self centred, but anyone would notice that almost all of our conversations were about me. They just were.

Then there was the way he always made me feel more important to him than I ever had to everyone, even Feli and Grandpa. Fuck. He could make me feel more special in an hour than I had in the whole rest of my life put together.

He was just so fucking good to me.

I curled up then, letting the image of him come into my mind. He had that big smile on, the one that made his whole face just light up.

His skin was tanned like mine, but mine was just naturally this colour, I could have never stepped outside in my whole life and my skin would be freaking like this. Unlike me his pigment looked earned. I could tell that golden-bronze was from hard outdoor work. He did once ramble on to me about how much he really loved gardening. I bet he did the hard shit, like yanking out weeks and pushing around lawnmowers.

That's where he would have got his physique too. Jeeze his body was just so_ firm_. Everything was toned, like, _everything._

Wearing nothing but swim shorts that time should have been illegal. I mean, thank fuck he was too dense to realise I was frothing at the damn mouth when I saw him. His terrible choice in clothing gave me no warning as to what was underneath.

Fuck him! Fuck him _and_ his terrible fashion sense!

Not like I liked him or any of that shit! Ew, no way! I wasn't like Feli and got all gooey whenever a guy so much as showed a little muscle!

I wasn't gay either.

I was actually surprised when Antiono told me he liked guys. I was even more surprised when after that confession I seriously felt myself want to get closer to him. As if I wasn't clingy enough already.

But it's nothing like me wanting to get close because I thought we could be together in... _That_ way!

So what if I almost asked him if I was his type?! I was just _curious_! I didn't even go through with it- I stopped myself.

So there.

I guess there were nights where I _did_ start to wonder what it might be like to be with him romantically, but I only did that because he'd be an amazing boyfriend to whoever he wanted.

Except me.

I also maybe thought a little about if I liked guys in general but who doesn't, right?

Ugh.

It didn't exactly help my position as seemingly-close-to but-the-only-one-apparently-not-hot for my friend when said friend was fucking Adonis.

Jeeze, Lovino, what the hell? Why was I lying there just thinking how hot some jackass was? I had to quit it.

It was only because I saw him so much. That was the only explanation for thinking so much about him. I wasn't used to seeing someone as much as I saw him.

Also he just touched me the whole time; that must have contributed. Even if it didn't tell him to stop it was only because he would just get all sad and whiny.

He was so freaking immature!

But he was still my friend.

I couldn't deny that. My best friend.

Maybe I could have just put it down to me owing him enough to call him a friend in return for what he did, but I didn't want to do that.

He did make me smile sometimes, and not just by doing stuff and making sacrifices for me, but by just saying stuff. He was a bit of a dumbass, in fact, totally a dumbass, but we could talk about random shit for hours when we were texting each other and there was never a dull moment when he came to see me.

That was being friends, right?

Not that I had much experience to take from.

No one ever wanted to be my friend like Antiono did. No one was so damn understanding of how I felt. He knew I was weak, I saw it in him a lot, but as long as he didn't tiptoe around me like everyone else, making me choose what to talk about in case they mentioned buzzwords like 'death' or 'illness' or 'hospital' and I started to cry like a little girl, I could take that. Hell, I was weak. Couldn't hide it either.

I couldn't help but think that if we hadn't met here, if I was just a college student like I should have been and by some coincidence was met each other; we would still be friends like this. That's what made him different from all the other losers why tried to get buddy buddy with me.

I liked it too. Made me wonder how many friends I would have if I didn't have a brain tumour and was just an average guy.

I kinda suspected though that they wouldn't make me feel how 'Tonio did.

It was like we were...

Soulmates.

Friendship soulmates, not romantic ones, jeeze!

Ugh no, that whole idea is just weird, no, doesn't work. Scratch the whole soulmates thing; that was gross. That was just me getting tired and disgustingly emotional.

Now I fucking felt all funny, I should never have let myself go there!

Ha! _Soulmates_. It was just ridiculous.

**.oO0Oo.**

I couldn't remember falling asleep that night, but as I woke up slowly, I realised that at some point I must have.

Antonio was coming later; I blew a grumpy raspberry as my phone screen as I scanned the stupid apologetic text as I scanned it. He even made a typo; I bet that dumbass woke up late or something. He only sent the message seven minutes ago. Rolling over I checked the time on my bedside clock. Yeah. It was already 8:45.

I stretched. How the hell did I kill time? This was the same question I asked myself every fucking morning. It sounded wrong. I was _killing_ time when I was supposed to want more.

Didn't stop me getting bored.

Fuck, I needed a hobby.

You try sitting in bed all day long everyday and not get bored.

I pressed a pillow to my face and groaned loudly. Antonio would probably laugh at me if he saw me like this, he always laughed at me.

But in a nice way.

"_Fratello_?" I stopped with my weird ass noise as I heard a soft voice.

"Feli?" I sat up quickly, chucking my pillow to the side, to see my little brother.

He shot a bright smile over to me, "Hey!" He even waved as he pranced over.

Feliciano looked more relaxed than I could ever remember seeing him. The kid was positively fucking glowing. It was Antonio did this; he was the one who let my brother look so alive again. I heard what was done with the extra cash too. Feliciano and Gramps split it so now they both could take more time off. Now each of them had one day a week totally free of work. Feliciano on Saturday and Grandpa on Sunday.

"Didn't think you'd come so early." This guy had no fucking reason to be up so early, wandering around all chirpy. He should have stayed in bed.

Feliciano shook his head, "I thought about sleeping to twelve or something, but I wanted to make the most of my day!"

I gave a short laugh as he took the chair next to my bed, "Not like this is the only one," I reminded him, "Do whatever you feel like, who cares, you can do it all again next week."

His whole face lit up, "That's right! It's amazing, Lovi! I get to do this every single week!"

I rolled my eyes but still laughed lightly, "Seriously, most people wouldn't get so excited about that."

Obviously my comment went right over his head, "Maybe I could cook more!" He went on excitedly, "Or I'll join a club... Lovi! I could finally join that free painting class I told you about! That's on Saturday afternoons! Oh, and Grandpa could take up mountain climbing again!"

I smiled softly to myself, "Don't tire yourself out."

He just laughed loudly and clapped his hands together, "And we get to visit you more!"

I reached out and punched his arm lightly, "Oi, quit that, there's no need to get worked up over me."

He frowned, "But 'Toni said..."

"I know what he said." If someone reminded me of how nice he was one more time I was gonna barf, "But it's not so urgent anymore! Sure, visit me more, I want that, but you don't need to make it the focus of the whole day. Just do your own thing! Come see me like, when you can, but yeah. Just don't revolve around me! It's not so bad anymore."

Feliciano didn't look any less bewildered, "Not so bad?" Suddenly his eyes widened, "Oh... You've been enjoying 'Toni's visits that much!? You really like him!"

"Huh?" Shit. I realised how stupid I had sounded, "No! Ew! He's okay to talk to that's all! It's nothing like that!"

He laughed. Fuck. He wasn't gonna let this go, "Lovino, he doesn't even visit for that long! You must _really _like them!"

I wrinkled my nose, "Calm the fuck down! I don't like them that much! All I do is sit there and watch him be an idiot!"

Okay, I might have been underplaying how much I appreciated Antonio.

I definitely was.

But can you blame me!? My excitable little brother was getting ideas! If I told him how I really felt he would think I was some love sick teenage like he was with his burly German man! It wasn't like that at all.

It was too damn late anyway. Feli had his stupid idea and decided to run with it, "You two are so cute!" He started to clap his hands and sway in his seat like a freaking flower and chant, "Lovi likes my boss! Lovi likes my boss! Lovino really likes my boss!"

I scowled at him. How old were we!? Ten!?

In my fit of rage I launched my pillow at him, "Don't talk shit!"

He passed my pillow back to me, "Aw, don't be silly, you can't hide it! You talk about him in your sleep!"

"What?"

Wait. He hadn't seen me sleep. My first reaction was confusion. We hadn't slept in the same place since Mr. Sunshine and I even met!

"Well..." Feli (finally) calmed down enough to explain, "By sleeping I guess I mean that time you fainted in the cafe... And it wasn't so much talking about, more asking for when you were sort of half woken up."

I blinked a few times. I needed a moment to process that. I didn't remember anything like that. Did I really do that? Fuck. I couldn't remember! I blanked out.

Sensing my confusion Feli carried on, "Yeah! Ludwig was carrying you to the back office and you were just coming to. You started saying his name."

Ew? That bulging muscle man carried me?

But the real problem was that other thing. That part about me asking for Antonio. I had fainted plenty times in my life and one thing that I knew by now was... When I started to come back from that shit, I had no idea where I was, who I was, who was there, what I was doing... I was always disorientated!

I wouldn't have even known he was near me.

Hell, it was a feat that I was even aware he existed.

So why him?

"I was probably dreaming! Ha! More like a nightmare!" I said quickly before my silence could be mistaken for something cutesy and gross, "Yeah! A really shitty dream!"

He looked disappointed. Good. That meant he was taking the excuse.

Shame it was only a made up fabricated excuse. When I passed out I literally saw white, I couldn't think, see, hear... I couldn't feel anything either... Could I?

No! I definitely felt nothing! I was blank!

But if that was true... Why would I...?

Dammit!

"By the way!" Thank fuck, Feli had changed the subject and distracted me before I could get too deep and open up a can of worms I didn't wanna touch.

'A can of worms'. What a horrible expression.

Feli carried on, "Did I ever show you this article!?" He scooted closer, "It's crazy! A cute six year old girl made a cake worth lots of money!"

I sighed. Feliciano was obsessed with these dumb clickbait articles, "You probably showed me already, but whatever, you'll just show me again."

We stayed like that for well over an hour. We didn't mention Antonio again (thank god) and kept the conversation light. I told him to go just as one hour was near becoming two. Obviously he resisted, but not for long. How was he supposed to keep himself in a stuffy hospital room with me when it was turning into such a nice day outside? I told him it was fine to go and he was on his way.

Sure he moaned about how he didn't want to leave me but I got him going before he could really start to whine about crap like that.

Once he had waved and I watched him swing out through the doorway and away I lay back, grabbed my shoes and decided to pay a visit to the hospital courtyard. Only five hours to kill until the next visit after all.

And what a long fucking five hours they would be.


	12. Chapter 12115

_A/N: HERE'S 11.5!_

_I'm doing this from Feliciano's POV, not really any reason for it, thought it might just be fun :D This chapter is totally skipable if it doesn't float your boat and doesn't have a huge effect on the plot so move right along if you're not feeling it._

_As always thanks for reading, this will be the only chapter from this perspective, but if there's anyone else that you think should have a chapter let me know and I'll consider it. Just nothing from Grandpa Rome- I have plans for him ;)_

_Don't forget to review!_

**Extra Chapter**

FELICIANO'S P.O.V

It was so wonderful to see my big brother like that! I had never felt so satisfied with a visit before, we both loved it. It felt like we had recaptured something that we had let go with my busy schedule and few and far between visits. They felt lively again! My cheeks even hurt from laughing with him so much!

I was really excited for Grandpa to feel that too.

After leaving the hospital I headed towards the town. I tried to tell myself I wasn't doing this because I wanted to see how 'Toni was doing... But the closer I got the more tempting it was! The conversation about just this from earlier rang in my ear...

"_I might take a peek..." I had said, twisting my hands together innocently._

"_I'm telling you not to!" Frattelo was quick to make sure I knew he thought it was a bad idea, "If they're struggling you'll just stress yourself out!"_

"_Lovinooo..." I whined, "I want to look! I'm curious!"_

_He pursed his lips and looked at me cynically, "If you worry you'll ruin your days off. It's not a good idea!"_

_I sighed; when my brother got angry he would yell sometimes and got so scary! I would always make sure he calmed down before he got overwhelmed, but sometimes he snapped so suddenly it startled me! Oh well... It was only him so I knew he wouldn't hurt me, not really. And if I cried he would always say sorry and make me feel better. He was a nice guy really!_

_Even though I was frightened of being yelled at I tried again. I took a different approach! "What if I want to be a customer?"_

_He gave a short laugh, "Feli, there's loads of fucking cafes around. We both know you're going to see how they're coping without you."_

_I pouted and shrugged, "What's wrong with that?"_

_Poor Lovino looked like he was getting so mad! Oh no! What if he got too worked up again?_

"_Because if they're not you'll freak out and probably start taking fucking orders and end up more trouble than good!" He wasn't yelling at me. Just yelling... I didn't want to frustrate him! I really didn't!_

_I looked down crestfallen, "I would help everyone that way..."_

_Lovino looked at me without saying anything. Oh... Real concern was written on his face. Had I done that? But I didn't understand what I was saying that was wrong!_

"_You wouldn't be helping yourself." He said at last. His usually expressive voice was so steady and stern. Just like all other super protective brothers._

_But I still didn't get it! "How? If I want to help 'Toni, then it would help me if I did some work!"_

_He let his head fall back and a growl of frustration pass through his gritted teeth, "It's not that! Feli, you have to lay the hell off! It's just fucking unhealthy and it's stopping you from living your life!"_

"_This _is_ my life." I said quietly. It was true. For so long the only thing I did was work, work, work. I didn't know any different! _

_But not that I minded!_

_It was all for Lovino!_

_So it was fine._

"_Fuck, Feli, it doesn't have to be. Not now you've got more time and money."_

_I met his eyes... He looked so worried... Like this really got him upset!_

_Maybe..._

_He was right?_

_I reached out and grabbed him, pulling him in for a tight hug, "I'm sorry, brother!" I pressed my face to his shoulder. How could I have not seen how I working so much made him feel!? "I'm sorry!" I repeated tearfully._

"_Yeah, yeah. Quit crying on me." He patted my back._

I smiled to myself as I thought about what a caring brother he was... Gosh, what would he think if he saw me here, heading for the street the cafe was on?

I wasn't going there!

No way!

I was simply heading for the community centre so I could join that painting class. That's all it was! I would pass the cafe but I would not look in! I would not! I would even close my eyes!

Oh...

It looks like I was already getting close! I could see the building!

And there was Ludwig!

He was just on his way inside. He looked really handsome today too... His shirt sleeves were rolled to his elbows in the heat, and that expression...

Wow.

Very stern.

Very scary.

"Ludwig!" I called his name and started to run over before even thinking.

I waved as I jogged in his direction. He did a double take at the sight of me, he expected me to be inside the cafe! What a surprise!

"Feliciano?" His voice was all rough and gravelly... I actually really liked it, even if it made me scared when we first met.

"Surprise!" I laughed breathlessly as I stopped in front of him, throwing my arms up, "That's right! I'm not working today!" I grinned, "You expected me to serve you, right?"

"Of course." He glanced inside to where I would usually be. I refused to look too! I just kept my eyes fixed straight ahead at his bulging chest, "I had no reason to believe otherwise."

I laughed and opened my arms, he was so stoic! "Yet here I am! Not working. I got the day off."

There was silence. I just smiled at him. Hmm... Ludwig seemed to think it was awkward, but I didn't think it was awkward at all, I even liked it!

Actually he looked a little troubled... Was it something I said?

"Feliciano." He looked so strained! Uh oh, what if he really, really wanted me to serve him? Here I was having a day off!

"Yes?" I was getting nervous now. I didn't know why, he was always so serious, that never usually bothered me.

"Ah..." Suddenly he looked inside again, "Your boss is waving to you."

I gasped, "Antonio?" I turned my head to look inside.

Wait, no! I promised I wouldn't do that!

It was too late; I had had a flash of what was happening in there!

"No!" I suddenly whipped around my back to the window, I couldn't look!

Now Ludwig was confused, "Felici-"

I grabbed his hand and started to run, I couldn't break my promise to Lovino. I couldn't look in the cafe!

I pulled Ludwig all the way along the street, around the corner and half way along the next one before I had decided we were far enough and stopped. We both needed a moment; I was leaning on a wall panting hard.

"Feliciano why did you do that?!" He seemed more startled than mad.

I put my hands over my mouth, "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to drag you away like that!" I had just pulled Ludwig away from his usual cafe because I was stupid enough to go near it. Even when I said I wouldn't!

He shook his head quickly, "Don't worry- you don't need to apologise. I just don't understand."

I laughed and bumped my head on his thick upper arm playfully. Of course he was so calm, Ludwig had a great temper.

"It's a long story." I smiled at him rubbing away any sweat that might be on my brow, "But I had to get away from the cafe real fast. I didn't mean to drag you along! I wasn't thinking right!"

He cleared his throat and nodded, "Perhaps it was best that we moved from the entrance anyway. I have to talk to you, Feliciano."

There it was again! I was getting nervous. He just wanted to talk!

I swallowed; I guess I was so afraid because I didn't know what he wanted.

"What is it?" I asked, making an effort to not fidget in front of him.

He took a deep breath, for the guy asking the questions, Ludwig looked just as nervous as me, "I spoke with Antonio yesterday and I feel he encouraged me to approach you in this way." He looked at me. I even winced as his blue eyes bore into me, "I can only hope what he said reflects your true feelings."

My true feelings? I wish he's just hurry and tell me what he was talking about!

"Feliciano," He carried on. My heart was beating so quickly... Could he be...? No, no way...

"Yeah!?" I squeaked; even though I didn't really need to respond.

He cleared his throat, "I have been very much interested in you lately and..." I held my breath, "I was wondering if you were interested in a romantic relationship with me!"

Time seemed to slow down... He was really asking that. Ludwig was asking if I would be his boyfriend.

I put my hand to my throat, I was certain he never would! I didn't even think he was interested!

Was I interested in him?

I looked over him, his tense and nervous face, his severe features... And he even had a kind heart and did such sweet things!

I really wanted to say yes!

But there was so much else to consider... I worked so much and he didn't even know about that. Did I have time for all this? What would grandpa say?

I even said so often how I could never keep relationships going!

But now I did have more time... I had days free and time for him... Even if it was just a little...

I could try...

"I would..."Uh oh, I was welling up, "I would love that!"

I put my hands over my eyes, there was no denying it- I hadn't even realised now how much I wanted to let Ludwig become so close to me. I wanted it to be him who was there for me at the end of it all and maybe be the one to make me smile again.

I looked at him finally and couldn't resist pouncing on him. I jumped up, he even caught me midair and let me wrap my legs around his waist.

I had no idea how much I was missing before this- it just felt right to be there with him!

Ludwig let out a startled yelp but didn't get mad at me, he just wrapped his arms around me and held me close.

We had both wanted this since that very first day he entered into the cafe. He had been intimidating and frightening but...

I hadn't stopped thinking about him since.

He let me down after about a minute and I just smiled up at him, happier than I had been in such a long, long time...

His eyes were such a clear blue... The colour was so sharp and vivid that it was impossible to miss. His lips were thin but pink, drawn into a small but un-miss-able smile that changed his face... He was still so sharp with cheekbones that could probably cut ice and narrow nose, but he was smiling!

"We should organise a date." Ludwig pointed out; the nervousness in his voice was gone! I knew saying yes was a good idea from just hearing him speak.

"Well..." I looked up at him innocently, "I was just on my way to sign up for a paining class..." I held out my hand... That's right, we were a _couple_! Couples held hands, "Would you like to come?"

He laughed lowly, "That sounds wonderful, Feliciano." And took my hand. His was a little clammy, but that was probably because he had been so anxious a minute ago, mine was like that too.

I blushed lightly, "Call me Feli."

He nodded and carefully tried it out, like practising it, "Feli..."

That's how I fist connected with the man who I went on to love in every single way. The man who remembered our first 'date' to sign up for a painting class so well that went on to buy me the original of the painting I tried to replicate in the very first class for my 40th birthday. He was the guy who would go on to stand by in whatever ways my life fell apart, and would pick up the pieces when my hands were shaking too much for me to do so by myself. He was the guy I'd forgive for a drunken kiss with another man in a bar just days after our 4th anniversary. He was the guy who forgave me for flirting that went too far with a holiday tour guide. And he was the guy who I never really stopped loving until the day I died, secure and safe in his arms.

Ludwig went on to share a life that at times even I didn't want to be part of- my life. He and I weren't perfect but we were happy.

Being happy is all we really needed!

"That's right!" I nodded as he experimented with the name.

"Feliciano... Feli..." He said again before nodding, "I like it."


	13. Chapter 12

_A/N: FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKK_

_I THOUGHT I UPLOADED THIS ON TUESDAY AHHHHHHHHHHH_

_I'M REALLY SORRY GUYS, I DIDN'T EVEN REALISE I MISSED AN UPDATE I GENUINELY THOUGHT I UPLOADED THIS_

_I want to cry._

_Welp, hope you enjoyed the extra chapter! If you chose to skip all you missed is that Feliciano and Ludwig are together, I'll mention that in case it comes up (it probably will).  
_

_This will carry on on Tuesday as usual ;_;_

**Chapter Twelve**

**A Ride for Two**

The thing about phone calls coming at three in the morning; is that when the phone rings it scares me a little!

Suddenly on Monday morning (or Sunday night for some people, that's how early it was) I was woken up from a seriously deep sleep by the happy tune of my ring tone. It jolted me right awake! I had no idea what the time was, what was happening... Just seconds ago I was dreaming about Lovi and I starting an ant farm! Of course I was startled!

It scared me because for a horrible gut wrenching second I thought I had slept late again! Frantically, I scrambled and grabbed my alarm clock. Three o'clock? Three in the afternoon!?

Oh no... I couldn't have done this!

I threw myself out of bed. My heart thumping and blood rushing in my ears. This would lose customers! My workers would have wasted so much time waiting for me! One day's work was so important- how could I have slept right through it!?

I ran to the window, throwing the curtains open for some light. It was still dark, but the streetlamps still helped me see...

Wait. What?

It was dark?

Had I slept through a big eclipse?

And that's when I realised it was three am.

With a relieved gust of air escaping me I felt myself turn to liquid and fall against the wall. Oh thank goodness... Thank goodness... It was okay.

I closed my eyes and let myself recover, letting it sink in that I wasn't late, no one was mad... It wasn't three pm.

The next thing that struck me was that the phone was still ringing. I was certainly more relaxed as I strolled back over to the bed and rolled onto it. I did have to wonder who was ringing me up at this hour. I was a little annoyed at them, not only had they woke me up, but they gave me such a scare.

Irritation turned to curiosity as I saw who it was.

Francis was calling?

I pressed the button to answer and put the phone to my ear. What was he even doing up right now? I didn't know anyone else who would be up right now...

Except maybe Gilbert, I knew Gilbert was a night owl.

Those two were probably together actually.

"Francis?" I asked down the line, cradling my flip phone to my ear. Yikes, my voice sounded far too croaky.

"'Tonio! _Mon ami_!" I flinched and pulled the phone away from my ear. He was so loud! I somehow knew this guy maybe wasn't drunk, but definitely wasn't sober!

I pulled the duvet over me, shivering with being so sleepy, "What do you want from me?" I mumbled jokingly, closing my eyes just to rest them.

"Your darling Frenchman brings news!" He exclaimed before hiccupping. I heard a small splash on the other end of the line, "_Merde_!" He shouted, "That will stain!"

Francis had the wine out...

"Francis, are you at home? Is Gilbert there?" I loved all my friends; I appreciated these two on such a deep emotional level that I truly loved them like family! Francis, Gilbert, and I were always a team. Even when we were higher on the social ladder at the end of high school I always saw it as the three of us versus the world! I even thought that now, even if the other two maybe forgot how that felt, I remembered, and I didn't let go.

However, there was a limit and Francis' drunken phone call at three in the morning when I had work the next day and was shivering with how exhausted I was, was taking me close to the end of my tether.

I wasn't incapable of getting mad.

"_Non_! _Non non_!" I heard a high pitched laugh, "The German has departed! Moments ago we were celebrating!" More laughter, "Gilbert told me not to call you right now so shhh!"

"Well it is three in the morning."I pointed out. Take the hint Francis, let me off the line...

He groaned, "That's what Gilbert said."

I let myself slip back into half sleep, just for a moment. It was bliss, "Mhm." Would he be so opposed if I just hung up? "Maybe it's best if we did this in the morning?" My voice was slow... I wanted to sleep... I wanted to sleep...

"Tomorrow!?" He sounded offended by the suggestion that we could do this call at any other moment rather than right this second, "_Antonine_, I bring joyful news!" He was shouting again... I really wished he wouldn't...

"It can wait..." My voice was barely a whisper.

"It can't! _Mon ami_, this is sure to fill you with passion! And excitement! _Mon ami_, you shall be-"

Oops. My thumb slipped and ended the call. Oh well! Too bad I was too tired to ring him back, I would just have to give in and bid myself goodnight again.

It was a great feeling knowing there was four whole hours left for me to snooze the night away. Francis didn't call back; he was probably getting too tipsy to understand why my end of the line had just gone dead.

Poor Francis... I hoped I didn't upset him.

I didn't even tell him I was hanging up- I just did it! It was before I even told him I really didn't want to talk, all I did was hint that I wasn't up for a chat and leave!

And he seemed so excited, what if he thought I didn't care now?

If it had been Lovino calling I probably wouldn't have dreamed of hanging up. In fact, if it was him I would have probably been in my car going to see him.

I tried to convince myself that I didn't know this, Lovino had never attempted to ring me up at three am but there was no way I wouldn't run to him whatever he needed me for.

Truthfully he didn't even _need_ me for anything; everything I was doing for him came from my own want to help him.

I was wrapping myself around his pinkie finger; I wanted to be there for every opportunity to make him smile. There was a genuine urge I had to make him happy.

And I never ever wanted him to go.

Maybe it was because I was brothers with Francis that it felt okay enough to not dial him back. We were at a comfort zone in which being rude and doing that stuff was okay, like real families. There was no need to be polite around those guys, we didn't need the social safety blanket it gave!

Lovino was different. Lovino had risen above that level of affection and had become precious treasure. I wasn't nice to him because I was scared I'd lose him, like the other two he was first and foremost a friend, meaning we could just be comfortable together, but it was like he had ascended to another level.

As much as I kinda wanted to, I didn't want to think of him like a glass ornament. He was precious but I didn't feel like the bond we had had been delicate, he was just...

Indescribably special.

And all the stuff that I did to my friends like hang up during phone calls didn't apply to Lovi because...

Every word that came from him was one I wanted to listen to.

Then I fell back into my deep sleep.

**.oO0Oo.**

Even after the little disruption I woke up the next morning unusually early, actually, a whole hour earlier. I felt fine too! I was worried that I would have ended up too tired today because of that phone call...

That's right!

Francis' call! I totally hung up on him! I needed to ring him back!

I grabbed my phone and took it out of sleep mode... Uh oh, seven texts all from Francis. What if he was really mad!?

I opened them and started to scroll through.

**Sender: Fabcis (Fabulous Francis)  
Time: 01:12  
Antonio?**

**Sender: Fabcis (Fabulous Francis)  
Time: 01:13  
MY DEAR FRIEND HAVE YOU TAKEN ILL?!**

**Sender: Fabcis (Fabulous Francis)  
Time: 01:24  
Oh.**

**Sender: Fabcis (Fabulous Francis)  
Time: 01:24  
IT WOULD SEEM YUO HAVE ABNDONED ME$**

**Sender: Fabcis (Fabulous Francis)  
Time: 02:00  
I feel very illused**

**Sender: Fabcis (Fabulous Francis)  
Time: 02:13  
Unloved**

**Sender: Fabcis (Fabulous Francis)  
Time: 02:53  
SAY SOMETHING I'M GIVING UP ON YOU**

They stopped there. Yikes. He was really up late.

I sighed and pressed the button to call him, bracing myself as I heard the other end ringing.

"I am a disappointed man." I jumped as Francis' slightly hoarse voice came down the line before I even realised he had picked up.

"I'm sorry!" I cried out, "I was just tired!"

I heard an exaggerated sigh, "Too tired to speak to a beloved friend!" He gave a sorrowful laugh, "So this is where your priorities lie?!"

I put my face in my hand... The thing about Francis was that I could never truly figure out of he was kidding or not! Especially not over the phone! When this kind of thing happened I took it seriously. Better safe than sorry!

"I was too sleepy to think..." I frowned, surely he could understand...

He snorted, "And you didn't even humour me by letting me tell you my _tres_ exciting news."

News? Oh yeah... He was babbling on about something like that. I just took it as drunken ramblings... Don't tell me he actually had something important to say!

"What is it?!" Had something happened? Was Gilbert getting married? Was Francis winning a Nobel Prize? I had no idea.

"Oh. Oh!" Francis jeered, "So _now_ you're interested? Hm. Maybe I just won't tell you."

"Come on!" He wasn't really doing _this_, was he? "I said I'm sorry! You were drunk anyway; I had no idea what you were talking about!"

"Me?! Drunk!?" He sounded totally repulsed by the idea, "No, no, no!"

I couldn't help by give a small laugh, Francis always got so defensive if he was accused of being drunk or anything else that he considered to be 'unglamorous'. Gilbert and I always found that pretty funny because if anyone was going to get dunk and the rest the most, it had to be Francis.

"It's okay to be a little tipsy Francis..." I teased.

"I was nothing of the kind! I was a simple messenger of goodwill, you simply did not listen."

"Francis..." I cooed, "Tell me what you were going to say!"

There was a long pause before Francis finally decided this had gone on long enough, "Thanks to the hard work and effort of your closest comrades, myself and the boisterous German..." He paused for dramatic effect, "You shall indeed be taking a grand hot air balloon ride with your young Italian friend!"

I blinked once... "You..." I gave a small gasp. That hot air balloon trip? They sorted it!? "Francis, you're kidding!?"

My heart was in my mouth. I had almost forgotten about that, I guess I had passed it off as something I was gonna have to explain to Lovi that we just couldn't do... But now...

Now it could actually happen!

Francis laughed, "I speak only the truth! In three weeks the two of you shall fly away into a gorgeous sunrise!"

I stood up and sat down again, just to stand up and circle around the room, "How?!" When I tried to book it was totally booked for months and months... Francis and Gilbert did say they'd do something but I seriously didn't think they'd get anywhere!

"Antonio! What is it that I do?"

"Like your job?"

"_Oui_!"

I furrowed my brow in confusion, what did this have to do with anything, "A helicopter pilot..." Francis' job was really cool! He took people on trips or to places... It could be couples on their honeymoon, for someone's birthday, or sometimes people hired him to take teenagers to proms! Last year he was even asked to be used in a scene in a small time indie film!

"That's right!" He confirmed dramatically, "Now what do I and hot air balloons have in common?"

I paused and chewed my lower lip, taking a moment to think, "Uhh..." Suddenly an answer came to me, "Flying! You both fly!"

Francis laughed, "Right again! So my dear _ami_, Gilbert and I simply contacted each client booked for an exciting, romantic hot air balloon ride and offered a free trip with yours truly!" I could hear him thump his chest, "All you need to do is repay the family their deposit and... Uhh... Matthias wants a little extra since he has to redo a load of paperwork." He added as a quiet after thought.

"That's fine!" I couldn't wait to tell Lovi! I was so excited! "I can't believe you got this to happen!"  
I could hear the proud glow in Francis' voice, "Well Gilbert found the family willing to swap and convinced them to do it."

I laughed; I hadn't even considered how hard it must have been to get anyone to believe that Francis really was going to give them a free ride out of the blue!

"Thank you both!" I had been once again amazed by the kindness of my old friends. I didn't even know how I would repay them, "I'll need to call him too!"

Francis cackled, "Do it! See how angry he gets when you phone him at 6 am!"

I grinned, Gilbert was notorious for being pretty bad in the morning, "And why are you up so early anyway?" Francis only went to bed a couple of hours ago according to the messages he sent me!

"I have a group of girls coming for a flight at one" he sighed, "I must ensure I am prepared for them!"

We talked for a while before it struck me I actually had something I needed to ask this guy… I hope he didn't think I was being selfish… "Franics?" I asked at a lull in the conversation.

"_Oui, oui_?"

I cleared my throat, seeing no point in beating around the bush, "Listen… I wanted to ask you if Gil' and you could possibly be interested in a night out one weekend? I'd be there and I'd take Lovino… It could be like it used to be!"

He hesitated, "This is part of the boy's bucket list?"

"Yeah." I said quietly, I had a feeling he would figure that out, since moving here I had kind of mellowed; unlike the other two I lived a quiet life. If Lovi didn't want this I probably wouldn't be considering doing anything like this again.

Understanding the situation, "Those crazy weekends… Hm… I could ask the German what suits."

I nodded quickly, before realising he couldn't see me, "Yeah! That sounds great!" I gave a glad sigh, "I'm sorry I'm using you guys for so much..."

"_Non_! _Non_! It'll be a wonderful time! And I know Gilbert shall be..." He coughed, "Interested in, erm, meeting your Italian friend."

My face burned, "So he's still worried?" I remembered when I first mentioned Lovino to Gilbert, he worried how much I'd get hurt when Lovi left me. That was just when Lovi was a friend, now I'd fallen in love with him.

I felt like I had betrayed my friends somehow. It's not like I could really help it, it wasn't my fault I had fallen in love with almost no time left between us... But I promised I would be careful and now I knew when Lovi...

It was going to destroy me.

It was going to wreck me. I didn't have to wait for time to run out to know how horrible it was going to be.

But I knew I was in love with him, and I knew I couldn't change it. I had always accepted my own feelings, and even if this was deep and hard to face, it wasn't so different.

I could only hope that I pull myself out of the hole I was watching myself fall into, because I wasn't going to try and change what I felt- the only way I could was by leaving him! And I was never going to do that.

Never ever.

**.oO0Oo.**

It wasn't long after that Francis and I ended the call, I had to get ready to go. I texted Lovi telling him I'd just come by after work again. Lately my morning visits hadn't felt like they were enough. Even though it wasn't so convenient, I figured that I liked going to see him once everything was done for the day more.

I worried all the way to the hospital, all those hours later about how my friends would take my feelings for Lovi. I decided in almost no time that I wasn't going to tell them. I didn't want to worry them!

And I didn't want them to tell me to give it up.

But I had never hidden anything from them before! We used to be so close and told one another everything, I had never done anything that I felt I needed to keep from them. Would they find out? Maybe they'd just instinctually know I had a secret from them- once they realised that I bet it would be pretty easy to figure out what the secret was.

I shrugged to myself as I parked at the hospital, I would just have to see how it all worked out. It wasn't like they could change my mind! I just didn't want to worry them... And I felt like I had betrayed them.

Even if I couldn't help how things had gone.

As the elevator rose to the right floor I pushed those thoughts from my mind, I had time to figure it all out and I didn't want to seem distracted for my visit!

Something was off...

I had to even look up at the sign hanging on the ceiling to make sure I was on the right floor...

His room should have been right here, but it didn't feel like it was at all!

His door was shut!

He never ever did that! Was he okay?

I stopped outside his door just in time to hear a loud crash come from inside, followed by a loud frustrated yell.

"Lovino!" That really did sound like something was wrong! I flung the door open and looked around the room.

Oh my... The chair was over turned, ripped paper littered the floor, bedding looked like it had been flung violently all over the room and one drawer had been pulled right out of the night stand and lay upside down at the other side of the room, a dent in the wall just above it. I looked down to see a snapped pencil at my feet as well as more scattered papers, broken glass even lay dangerously close to Lovi.

In the middle of it all, Lovino was there, panting hard his face red, he spotted me, "Get out!" he kicked a book, it's bookmark slipping out from its place between the pages.

"Lovino! What happened?" Had he done this? I looked like someone had tried to break in to rob him, but the rage all over Lovi's face said it all.

"Fuck off!" He grabbed a metal cup from his bedside, one with a teddy bear on it.

"Wait-"

"GET OUT!" He bellowed as he launched it at me, I gasped and ran out behind the door, closing it just in time to hear a sickening crack as the cup hit the door.


	14. Chapter 13

_A/N: *cheers* This one's on time!_

_Thanks for reading and remember to review_

**Chapter Thirteen**

**Gonna Feel Exposed**

I stood with my back to the door, my mouth dry and pulse in my ears.

What the heck was that!?

I winced as I heard another yell and creaking as Lovi obviously kicked his bed. Then there was heavy breathing and a helpless whimper.

I froze... Was he okay?

The noise stopped then. It was so obvious something had happened, Lovi was grumpy but he had _never _acted out like that.

He scared me...

I wasn't just scared for him, but actually scared for me too. He was violent, and really yelled at me with all he had! What could have caused him to behave that way?

One thought hit me and it made my blood turn icy. Was it medical? It could have been a problem with his illness, I had no idea how I could cope with news like that. He and I were in enough pain already- I could already feel myself get restless with worry.

Was it medical? Was it medical? Was it medical?

Was it medical?

Was it medical?

Was it medical?

Was it medical?

I pressed myself to the door, I knew I couldn't leave. As much as I wanted to get out and try to regather my thoughts I needed to be here. He might calm down if he knew I was here, he might want to speak to me... And I think maybe I needed to know he was right there too.

I sat back against the door, my face in my hands. I shuddered as I remembered the crack of that cup hitting the door. He really threw it at me; I could have hit me with that force... Hopefully he knew I'd get out of the way and it was just to scare me a little, but it still shocked me that he'd do that to me. I wasn't mad as much as I was worried. As if on cue I heard a loud dry sob.

Yeah, I was worried.

"Oh, Lovi..." I whispered. Why did such a young, amazing guy have to deal with all this? I shut my eyes and breathed out slowly, "I love you so much." I whispered.

I sat there for ten minutes, not moving for a moment. I didn't even consider getting up from the doorway.

I was getting so used to sitting there that when the door I was leaning back on opened I fell back with a cry and almost hit my head on the floor. By the time I realised what had happened I was lying back, staring up at his confused expression.

I laughed lightly, "Hey Lovi..."

He stepped over me and backed into the hall as I sat up, "I thought I told you to fuck off..." His voice seemed more reserved now.

I smiled gently and climbed to my feet walking to him, taking both his wrists, "You can't get rid of me that easily." When he refused to meet my eye I spoke again, "Want to talk about it?" I was still very aware of the destruction behind me.

He pulled his hands away with a gruff sigh, "'Tonio, this isn't something you're gonna fix by _talking_ it out."

"Then how can I help?"

He narrowed his eyes and looked at me, "You can't. I can't, you can't..." He pushed past me and kicked the wall, "And I'm so fucking angry!"

"Well, what is it?" I still had to find out whether or not this could have been something wrong with his health; I could only pray that it wasn't

He rolled his eyes, "As if telling you is gonna help anything."

I shrugged sheepishly, "I'm worried. You seem really upset."

He turned away from me and went back into his room, dodging the mess. He didn't tell me to leave, so I could only assume he was inviting me in.

I joined him, choosing to clear my path rather than picking around what lay in front of me, cleaning as I went and turning the chair upright again, using it as a place to put what I had gathered before sitting beside him on the bed, both of us squashed into one another leaning back on the pillows, the covers over him up to his knees.

"When I tell you, you won't get why I'm so pissed." He confessed.

"I can try to understand."

He sighed and began, "Some doctor came to see me this afternoon to talk about some shit..." He looked like he might launch into a story but wrinkled his nose and decided to rip it off like a bandaid, "I'm getting moved to another room, one with five other people."

I waited to see if he would go on, "Lovi... That's-"

But it turns out there was more, "I thought they were going to tell me I could go home! They basically fucking told me I was here until I drop dead! I thought they were gonna let me go home!"

That helped me understand a little more... Oh dear, I could only imagine how trapped he felt... And how homesick...

"You can't reason with them?" I asked quietly. I know it was terrible but I felt so much relief. That made me feel a little guilty, here was Lovino who had just been told he never go to go back to his own home, his own room, his own bed, and all I think of was how good it was that it wasn't a problem with his health.

"You think I never tried?"

I didn't mention how I felt; I would hate him thinking that I valued his physical over his emotional health. They were both important, all of him was!

He looked up at the ceiling, blinking a few times, "I want to go home." He said in a small voice.

I slowly and carefully moved my hand, putting it over his. I waited for him to pull away. When he didn't I pushed my fingers in between his slender ones, "I know..." I gave his small hand a squeeze, "I know."

"Now I'll be with some losers and won't be able to do shit either! I won't be able to keep the door open, listen to music without ear phones, hell; I won't even be able to turn the tv up loud!" He threw his hands in the air, but didn't let go of mine, "We'll all just have to stare at each other's depressing faces and watch each other die!"

I tried a smile, trying to look on the brighter side, "Hey now... At least you'll have people to talk to, right?"

He snorted, "Yeah, right!" With his free hand he punched my arm lightly, "In case you haven't noticed, I don't actually like talking to many people."

I frowned, "You talk to me..." In fact, he talked to me a lot... And Lovi and I were pretty much opposites!

"Yeah." He acknowledged, "But you're different. You're..." He wrinkled his nose, "You're special, I guess."

The moment he said that there was a flutter in my chest. I felt my face flush... "Special?" Did he really say that?

Unaware of the effect he had, Lovi just shrugged, "Well, _yeah_, obviously. I talk to you, it's not like I do that often."

Deciding not to make this about me I smiled reassuringly at him, "The new room will be fine, I promise. You're bound to have someone you like in there!" I paused, "But I'm sorry you have to stay here. I get that you want to go home."

"I can spend a few nights out of here, like a night at home or something..." He admitted, "But this dump is my 'residence' or whatever." He glanced up at me, "I'm not dying here."

I looked down between us where our hands were joined, "What do you mean?"

"I mean when I think its coming I'm going home no matter what they say, fuck them. Not like they can stop me, not if it's only a few days before."

I tapped his shoulder with my forehead, "They won't keep you then... But how are you gonna know?" Was he counting down to some date he decided one night that he felt like he would go to sleep and not wake up again? I hoped not. That would just be so sad.

Lovi closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "I just will. Trust me. I can feel myself getting weak, so I think I'll know."

I sighed, I didn't like this talk. I hated it... But I think Lovino needed it... I think he liked all this acknowledged, as sad as it was.

I used my free hand to turn his face towards him and grinned, "You don't look weak."

He pulled away and stood up, not taking the compliment, "Don't give me that shit!" He nodded to the mess on the floor, "Come help me with all this."

I stretched and looked over the room...The floor was barely even visible! I gave a small laugh, "Sure thing."

I got up and started to pick things up, I put them in different places depending on what they were. Paper went on the bed... Books on the chair... I didn't actually know where he wanted everything, but organising it helped, right? We did it in silence... Well, that was until I found one certain piece of torn paper.

"This one has my name on it!"

"What?" He looked over to me and widened his eyes, "Hey! Quit looking at them!" He snatched the scrap from hand.

I frowned, "Why did you tear it up? Should I be worried?"

He gave a short laugh, crumpling the paper into a tiny ball and tossing it into the waste paper basket, "What? You think I was doing some crazy voodoo shit?"

I gasped, "Were you really doing that!? Lovi, are you trying to hurt me!?"

He gave me an exasperated look and all of a sudden shoved me, "No! You're such a fucking idiot!" He exclaimed as I stumbled.

"Woah!" I laughed as I caught myself on the wall, "It's okay! Calm down!"

He showed me his middle finger as he whipped back around he grab his earbuds from the floor, "I hate you so fucking much sometimes."

I grinned, knowing he didn't truly mean it, he just got so mad when I said dumb things...

But he didn't actually tell me why he had been writing my name.

"So..." I looked over to the can with the tiny ball inside, "What was it for?"

He gave a low growl, "Can't I write a name without a damn interrogation!? It wasn't for _you_! ... It was for Grandpa."

"Your Granpa? Were you writing him a letter?" I narrowed my eyes, "I thought he was visiting every week..."

"Well... Kinda." He nodded to me, "Oi, don't quit doing stuff." He took a pen I passed him, "Remember that thing on my bucket list that said I wanted to pay him back?"

"Yeah." I said that without hesitation, I had read that list so many times that I was more than familiar with what was on it. I had to make sure I knew it so I'd be ready to take any opportunity to get an item done and _any_ given time!

"Okay, well, I was writing him something when they told me the shit about me wasting away in front of people. I got pretty mad so I tore it up." He shrugged, "I'm thinking about what to do for him. To thank him."

"Oh..." I paused. I had no idea he had been thinking of this... I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, I was the one who told him he should take this one on on his own, "So... A thank you note? We could try and piece it back together!"

He rolled his eyes, "I'm not putting it together and all that shit, Jeeze, it wasn't even that good!"

"At least it was something right?"

He pursed his lips, "It was shit, and I only did it because I got bored. And don't think your name there means anything! I was rambling about crap! You just came up!"

I put my hands up, "I didn't mention my name!"

He stuck his tongue out for a second, "I bet you were thinking about it, jackass."

We went on with our cleaning. Only a few minutes later the room looked neater than it had before he actually messed it up! Dusting off my hands I sat on the edge off the bed and stretched, "Isn't that better?" I smiled as I looked at our handy work.

Suddenly I felt his hand on my upper arm. I stayed still as he started to feel at my bicep... What the heck was he doing? I didn't look at him; I just stared straight ahead... I would have enjoyed the contact but I had no idea what he was trying to get at!

"I don't know what the fuck to do."

"What?" I had to be honest, his hand that now seemed to be patting my arm was a little distracting!

"For that weird old man. How the hell do I repay him?" Oh... He was talking about his grandfather again...

"W-Well..." I couldn't do this, I couldn't even look at him as he stroked my arm that way, let alone think about what to say to him!

I fake yawned and stretched, that intrusive hand slipping away before subtly shifting away from him a little. Oh gosh, I hope I didn't surprise him like that when I took his hand... But he had seemed okay with that, hadn't he?

"It's not like I have any money to give him..." Lovi carried on, this time keeping his hands to himself.

I let out a pensive sound, rubbing the back of my neck, "You know you don't actually owe him anything, right?"

"What?" He looked at me with disdain, "It's not about _that_! I just want to give something back to him!"

"But you know that he isn't expecting anything?"

"Yes!"

"Just checking!" I raised my hands up, "I just don't want you stressing over nothing..."

He shrugged it off, "Whatever. Still want to do something."

I nodded; if he wanted this I couldn't deny him it... After all, the whole reason I started to come see him was to help him live the life he wanted! "What does he like?"

Lovi bit his lip, "Mountain climbing." He made an affirmative noise, "Yeah, he does that when he can."

I clapped my hands together, "That's something! We can think about this, right?"

"What the hell am I supposed to do with that?" He wrinkled his nose, "Climb a mountain with him?"

... "Could you?"

"'Tonio, you think I could do that shit?" He barked a laugh, "You idiot!"

I pouted, mood dampened, "Not even a little one?"

"Have you seen me?"

Obviously this line was going nowhere, "Okay, what else does he like?"

"Women. Fighting." Lovi gave me a smirk, "He's quite a macho guy."

I made a sound of agreement as I considered this, "Well those two aren't much to work with... Is there no way you could go climbing with him!?"

"No!" He snapped, "I'd get half way up, probably pass out, upset and worry him, and get him even more stressed out about me than he was before! That would be the fucking _opposite_ of making him happy!"

I sighed and nodded. He was right, if Lovino wasn't completely safe then there really was no point...Honestly I cared about him being safe too!

"You could carry on with that letter?" I suggested, "If you make it nice and heart felt he'd love it!"

Lovi furrowed his brow, but he did look like he was considering the idea, "It doesn't feel like enough."

"You only think that because it's simple... But simple doesn't always mean that it's not enough!" I laughed, "It could be really nice! I'd help you write it if you want."

He still didn't seem too sure, "I don't know... This is after such a long time of working hard and being there for me. Fuck, I just don't know."

I reached out and patted him on the back, "We'll come up with something, and I'll do what I can to help." I winked at him, "I know you'll get this right."

He sniggered, "Whatever you say, jackass."

The rest of our talk was light; we didn't touch on anything serious again. He showed me a magazine article he thought was stupid, I purposely disagreed with him just because I loved how cute he was when he was flustered. After that he was mad at me so he would throw tiny bits of a torn up sheet of paper at me whenever I said something. I didn't mention Francis' news or the night out- no moment seemed like the right one, and I wanted him to be in the right kind of mood to hear it.

He had a coughing fit around half an hour in. It was frightening, his whole body convulsed and I could only watch. He stopped me before I could even reach for the button to call I nurse and I didn't know where to look as the rough noises hit off the walls and came right at me.

He looked so embarrassed afterwards that it made me sad. I had to stop myself from pulling him into a hug; I didn't want to look to much like I pitied him too much... I was scared I'd embarrass him more.

Despite that horrible moment, when I realised it was time I left I dragged it out.

I just didn't want to leave him.

"Will you be here tomorrow?" I asked, unsure when it was that he actually changed rooms.

He nodded, "Here until Friday... But we're going swimming tomorrow."

I gasped, putting my hand to my mouth, "That's right!" In all our chit chat I had totally forgotten what day it was!

"Better not forget."

I shook my head quickly, "I won't! I'll pick you up again!" I paused... "I guess I..." I looked around the room, "...Better go."

He lay back with his arms folded, "Then I'll see you tomorrow." He nodded to the door way, "Time for you to piss off."

"But Lovi!" I cried, "I want to stay!" I draped myself over him with a long whine, "I want to stay with you..."

"Hey! What the fuck?!" I felt him struggle under me, "What the hell are you doing!?" He elbowed me. Hard.

"Ow!" I yelped and got off of him.

"Serves you damn right. Get the hell out of here!"

I laughed and got to my feet, "Going, I'm going..." I started to wander over to the door before turning around to him, "And Lovi?"

"What is it now!?"

I smiled over to him, "Don't worry about changing rooms, they'll be nice. And they'll probably understand your situation more than me."

He looked at his hands placed on his lap, "You think so?"

I nodded, "They'll have similar experiences, you'll end up liking them even if it's just for that. Sometimes a little of that understanding is all we need to connect to each other!"

I saw him thinking my logic through for a moment before giving the very tiniest of smiles, "Thanks."

"Have a good night, Lovi." I told him softly and left it at that, wrenching myself out of the doorway and down the hall.

Oh man... I really had it hard for that boy.


	15. Chapter 14

_A/N: Another one from Lovino's POV! I don't plan to have these ones as often as they are now, this might be the last one in a while but I hope you enjoy it anyway. Please don't forget to leave a review and thanks for reading!_

**Chapter Fourteen**

**I'll Teach You How to Float (again)**

**LOVINO'S P.O.V**

If that bastard was late I'd fucking kill him. I didn't have a watch and I couldn't be bothered looking at my phone so, no, I didn't actually what time it was but I did know that I had been standing around waiting for him for too damn long.

I clicked my tongue, I felt stupid enough joining late last week, I didn't want that to happen again.

"Finally..." I muttered as I watched his dumb creaky car come up the street. It was such an awful set of wheels- the only good thing about it was that it was yellow and yellow was a nice colour.

He should have bought a new one.

Instead he decided to take the salary of one of his waiters.

For fucks sake.

He pulled up next to me, his window down and that dumb smiling face rolling over to me, "Hey Lovi!"

I just wanted to punch him sometimes.

I didn't say anything to him, just rolled my eyes and went around, getting in the other side. He needed to clean this shithole out too, big time. It was disgusting, I was pretty much _ankle_ _deep_ in his crap. I didn't even know what half of it was but I did notice a damn jigsaw puzzle box.

And an apple core.

Ew.

I pulled my legs to my chest, that was too much, I was gonna puke.

"How are you feeling about today?" The dumbass's cheery voice came from beside me. He was still smiling, concentrating on the road.

I clenched my fists, "I'm not gonna let myself rest until I have it down." I had been thinking about this, I didn't actually have that long until I'd probably not be able to do this crap. If I was learning I had to hurry up.

Antonio smiled and nodded, "We'll certainly try our best!"

'Our best'. Jeeze, that was so like him to come out with that. I didn't want to _try my best_ I wanted to succeed!

That didn't mean I hated the way he spoke.

I guess it was comforting maybe? Like I didn't have to push myself or whatever.

"I want to fucking do it this time!" I told him abruptly, shifting in my seat... There better not have been damn gum on there, "I want to be able to get rid of it on that dumb list!"

He chuckled and reached out to ruffle my hair,

"Don't laugh at me!" I snapped, "I'm gonna do it!"

He glanced over as he found a parking spot, "I'm not! Just don't push yourself Lovi." He told me softly.

I shrugged, "I'll do what I have to do, to hell with being with old people. I'm not quitting this time!" The moment he stopped I got out and headed towards the building. I was already halfway across the parking lot by the time Antonio called my name having only just got his stuff.

"Hurry the hell up!" I yelled back at him and watched him run on over... Everything about him reminded me of a damn puppy.

"Look at you!" He exclaimed after his short sprint over, the bastard wasn't even freaking panting, "Last week I had to carry you in!"

I shrugged, trying not to let the embarrassment I got with the memory of hanging over his shoulder like that faze me, "I just don't wanna waste time!" I grabbed his wrist and dragged him inside, "Go, pay, whatever."

He laughed, wandering towards the desk, pulling out his wallet. I stood some distance away... That girl from last time was there, all smiling and whatever.

She was probably just glad we hadn't complained about her shitty descriptions making us sign up for an old people's class.

As if Antonio would complain about anyone anyway. She better not have taken it personally.

He was too much of a nice guy. Fuck, someone was gonna walk all over him one day, just like I was worried people did with Feli. If Antonio wasn't built like one of those gay Greek marble sculptures they probably would be already.

After a lot less time than anticipated he turned to me, nodding towards the changing room as those sparkly eyes met mine, "Come on, Lovi!"

I walked quickly over, shooting daggers at the girl at the desk. There wasn't any real reason for it but she just kinda irked me.

She looked back at the computer in front of her. Damn right, bitch.

Don't get me wrong, I love most girls. Out of all the people on earth, chicks were probably the best, I mean, most men weren't worth my time.

Except Grandpa.

And Antonio.

But ladies were always great, even if I didn't want them in a weird way, and I sure as fuck didn't want to _be _one with all that vagina bleeding and shit... But yeah, women were awesome, almost all of them.

This one just fucking got to me. I didn't even know her damn name but I bet it was one all sweet and pretty. I didn't even know why she pissed me off so fucking much!

Was it because she obviously liked Antonio?

How fucking _petty_.

I grossed myself out sometimes.

Not giving her the privilege of being in my head any longer, I shrugged the thoughts off. Antionio said something but I wasn't listening. He disappeared into a cubical so I assumed it was something to do with that and didn't bother asking him to say whatever it was again.

I was quick, even quicker than him as we changed. I considered ditching him and heading to the pool but decided not to, hopping from foot to foot as the jackass I was waiting on got changed at snail like speeds.

By the time we got into the pool we were a little earlier than the last time. Me not being faced with a load of old people and suddenly thinking about how stupid I'd look probably helped. Antonio gave a weird little gasp as he sank into the cold water.

Pussy.

"Fuck!" I hissed as I followed him in... Okay so maybe the water chilled me a little more than I expected.

"Lovi!" Antonio's hand went straight to my shoulder, "You can't say that! There's old people here!" He whispered urgently, his warm breath on the back of my neck making me shiver a little as he brought his face closer (which was not helping anything).

"Get off me!" I hissed as tried to get used to the cool water, wrapping my arms around myself for some damn warmth, "Okay, what first?"

He pulled me further in, "We need to wait for the instructor, she'll tell us what we're doing!"

I rolled my eyes, "Screw being told! I want to get going _now_!" I looked out to the still pool, "And I'm through with the easy shit."

I was gonna go out into the water, swim whether he was following or not, but my damn arm was grabbed, "No." Antonio said firmly, "If we come here and say we want to join the lesson, we've gotta act part of it, Lovi."

I rolled my eyes and leaned back against the wall, glaring up at him. I thought we were doing things _my way_.

I didn't talk to him again for at least two minutes more. I didn't even look at him...

This was valuable time being wasted!

"Hey guys!" The instructor began, "Welcome back, I hope you all had a great week..." She looked over to where some guy entered but smiled when she saw it was just a passing lifeguard, "I was really happy to see some of you guys around the pool this weekend putting these skills to use! You guys are doing great!"

She went on like that for a while before we got to the good stuff and it was finally time to get going. She told us to start on doggy paddle if we felt ready to, and fuck yes I was ready to do some swimming where I actually moved. That's what I came here for.

"You ready?" Antonio tapped my shoulder as the group was finally done standing and listening.

As much as I wanted to carry on giving him the silent treatment I figured when it was one on one with the two of us, talking might be unavoidable, so I spoke again, "Yeah."

I still sounded grouchy. What? He pissed me off.

He laughed but it sounded forced, "Come on... I thought you were all excited!"

I rolled my eyes, shoving him so we would get into a better space, "I am!"

Concern flashed over his traditionally handsome features, "Lovino..."

"What!?" I hit his shoulder with my hand lightly, "Let's just do this!"

He was just getting on my case now, I was a little mad at him because he wouldn't let me get started and do this exactly my way... That didn't call for a freaking interrogation!

He nodded slowly, "Okay..." He tilted his head in thought, "Shall we do a quick practise of the stuff from last week?"

"No! I know that stuff!" Didn't he fucking hear me when I told him I didn't want to waste time!? "I want to do the stuff we were shown!"

He gave another stupid fake uneasy laugh, "But the other stuff... The last time we tried it was way back last week! Shouldn't we...?"

I gave him a glare in warning, "I told you, I'm ready to move on."

"Lovino, please?"

Now he was pleading with me!? "Who's the one we're teaching here!?" I exploded, "Help me doggy paddle! I don't need that other shit again!"

He looked panicked, but didn't help himself, "But-!"

I didn't even let him finish, "No! 'Tonio, quit trying to be so fucking controlling, this is _my_ thing!" I splashed him, making him cough as it got all over his face, "I'm going to go find someone who will actually teach me!"

Without even trying to give him another chance to speak I turned around and waded over to Femke, the instructor. I had a feeling that she was gonna prove my point that girls got shit done while guys stood there with their thumbs up their damn asses.

I put a hand on her shoulder, "Hey..." I tried to act like I hadn't just cussed my best friend out, "Could you maybe help with what you showed us?"

She looked surprised that I approached her. She was probably thinking that I would need the least help since I actually had someone along to help me.

Too bad the guy I had was an idiot.

"With the doggy paddle?" She asked and looked over my shoulder, probably over to Antonio, "Is he not helping?"

I shrugged, not willing to explain why I had left Antonio, "Something like that."

She smiled and nodded, "Alright, sweetie, do you remember the stuff we did last week?"

Fuck, not this again... But given that this was the professional and also the only other person here who could help me I decided to see this out and nodded.

She clasped her hands together, "Great! Because when you're doing this you have to keep those movements in mind."

"But I move places in this one, right?"

"That's right! So, sweetie, we started this off by rolling on to our bellies... Mind if I touch you, hun?"

I shook my head quickly and she placed her dainty little hands on my chest and lower back... I felt like being touched like this should have made me feel... I don't know. But feeling nothing as she gripped me was disappointing.

"So..." Her voice was soft, "I'll help, but you know the kind of thing you do when you're tripping forwards? You kick up and push your upper body forwards... Then you raise your legs up behind you until your body is level."

How the hell was I supposed to do that kind of crap?

"My face will go under." I pointed out. I couldn't see how it fucking wouldn't. This water was half way up my chest here! I couldn't level out way up here!

She laughed, "It won't, I promise! I've got you, remember, just stay calm and I can promise you, you won't even need to hold your breath."

I hesitated but nodded. Fuck it, what was the worst that could happen? Trip forwards... I guessed she meant like throwing myself forward? I had no idea.

I pushed my front out and kicked off the floor raising my legs as high as I could force them just off of the momentum of pushing off the pool floor. They went up slower than they thought, I was suddenly aware of how thick the water was... Up... Up... Up...

And suddenly my heels felt cold... They had resurfaced... My body was level! It was like I was flying!

"See? That's great!" Femke's chirpy voice snapped me out of my moment with myself, "See how simple it was?"

I experimented a little... I let one leg sink down to the pool floor and raised it again... Just like that, it was all the way up again!

Femke obviously noticed me doing that because she started to nod enthusiastically, "That's right! I've got you, alright? Just get used to doing that... Kick up and up... You got it?"

I swallowed hard, "I think I'm okay now." I was getting this fucking _down_. We were barely ten minutes in and I knew the first step...

But I still abandoned Antonio... For fuck sake, he arranged all this and I pissed off because he wanted us to be _polite _by waiting for the lesson to start.

I was a dick sometimes.

I craned my neck, trying to peek at him. Shit. He was sitting on the edge of the pool by himself watching us from afar... He looked so pathetic! He made me feel bad too! Who the hell gave him the right to do that shit to me?!

"You want to work on your arms first?" Femke's gentle voice brought me back to where we were... I'd just do this and talk to him later. He'd be fine! ... He'd forgive me, right?

Of course he would...

He made it seem like the fucking sun shone out of my ass. He made me feel special.

Maybe I was spoilt.

I wonder if he thought that... Probably did now.

"Uh... Yeah." I agreed. Arms sounded good.

She nodded, "If I put you down you think we'll be able to get you back up here again?" When I nodded she slowly lowered me until I was standing again.

"Okay," Femke started. I tried to ignore the presence of Antonio moping behind me. God, I bet when I eventually went back over to him he'd apologise, act like he was the one acting like a piece of shit. She kept going, "Lovino, sweetie, it's really important we get this really right because when I'm not supporting you, once you roll forwards you have to start this straight away."

I fidgeted under the water, this was the freakiest part, "Got it."

She grinned, "There are two ways to do this next bit! You can choose whichever one you like best but I recommend you try both. It's like going shopping! You look around to see what fits best and feels right before you commit! The one I choose is one I call 'stripping the walls'. Think of it like you're scraping wallpaper from the wall and tossing it away underneath your body. Keep your fingers together, like I told the group last week, your hands are like oars and your body is the boat. You push the water down with one hand, out and under you. Also! You don't use both your hands doing the same thing at the same time! You won't be doing it fast enough and you'll keep sinking if you don't alternate your arms, okay, sweetie? Just as one hand is pushing the water down and away, the other should come forward and start the motion again."

I nodded slowly. Yeah, so maybe this sounded like complicated fucking shit, but so did the first thing and that was easy! Stripping a wall... I liked the sound of that; it was a simple way to remember it, I had a visual in my head.

"What's the other way?"

She winked, "Hmm, nice to see you eager but let's try stripping the walls first. I want to make sure you know how to do both techniques! I had a lady in once who just couldn't do the other one! Neither of us knew why, it was strange... But the moment she tried this one we couldn't stop her swimming!"

"Fine, fine!" As much as it made me nervous, Femke was probably right. I'd probably just forget how to do it anyway if we didn't practise.

I bet Antonio would have loved to be the one showing me this crap. I gritted my teeth as I started moving my arms as instructed, not like he was fighting for me or anything! He obviously wasn't that upset!

"You're doing great!" Femke chirped, "Just remembered keep those finger together! Now start to kick! Kick like you were last time!"

I was panting now, but fuck, I was seeing this through! I started to kick freestlye... And I was on the move!

"Holy shit." I remarked in a strained voice, stripping the walls, stripping the walls... Keep going...

I started to develop a rhythm, my breathing slowed to an up and down, deep and paced.

"I'm about to let go of you, sweetie." Femke's voice sounded weirdly distant, like it was in the background and my breathing was the foreground.

"What?" I could barely even comprehend what she was damn saying!

"You'll be fine!" She encouraged, "I'm not even supporting you! I don't need to!"

I gulped air and felt myself falter as she took a step back, oh shit, oh shit... I remembered how I suddenly fell when Antonio let go of me last week. I felt like the water had lost all it's thickness and I just couldn't get up to the surface.

But I could do this. I recovered, my body regaining the steadiness again, I hadn't even gone under water! That was so cool! I just picked myself up again!

I was really floating, just like I was flying in a thick, cool air...

I wondered if...

Before I could even follow that train of thought and let it freak me out I just fucking did it. I ducked down, my lungs full of air and let my whole body slide underwater...

And into another world.

I opened my eyes. It stung like a bitch and I was sure by the time I came up they'd be sore and red but hell, it was damn worth it. Everything was blue, the noise was like a loud but quiet chatter that sounded like it was coming through a wormhole or something.

And it was like a huge empty space, sure there was a fuck load of legs everywhere. Most of them were kinda old and wrinkly... But it was nice.

I looked up and I could see the surface, another thing that was just as crazy as fuck, the ceiling above it was seriously shimmering, wobbling around and pretty much all out sparking... _This_ was why I wanted to swim. This right there.

I also realised that I was running out of air. Shit.

I pushed the against the bottom of the pool and rushed up to the surface, coughing a little but in one piece... Wow, that was incredible! I would have gone right back under if it weren't for a hand on my shoulder, "Lovino! Are you okay?" Femke sounded concerned, shit, I probably should have done something to warn her before I just freaking disappeared.

I was still catching my breath, "Sorry...!" I swallowed, "I just wanted to try that..." I rubbed my eyes, I'd probably regret having them open under there all evening but it was still damn worth it.

I didn't do that again until Femke was done showing me the other technique, she was right after all, it was best to try them both. The first one was best for travelling above the surface but the other way she showed me, sort of parting the water like it was a pair of curtains and sweeping it aside was best for going underwater.

"You're such a natural! You should have learned this years ago!" Femke praised again as she finished teaching me how to start the swim and get going quickly. We were done, shit, we had done it.

And all without the guy who so excited to teach me. I had left him there at the side of the pool for over half an hour.

Femke smiled and I noticed her send a look over to Antonio. It must have clicked that him and I were close because he had been clapping for me whenever I had managed to swim, still supporting me after I pretty much told him to get lost, "Your boyfriend seems like such a lovely guy, taking you here and everything."

I bit my lip... She was right...

Wait.

What did she call him!?

"Boyfriend?!" I exclaimed loudly enough to turn the heads of everyone else around the pool.

Her eyes widened and her face flushed as Femke realised her mistake, "Oh! I'm sorry, I just assumed..."

I started to shake my head, "No. No way, I am _not_ with him! Not in a million years!" I rambled, "He's stupid and dumb... And a load of other dumb and stupid things!"

She put her hands to her lips and laughed, "Honey, calm down..." She turned serious again and leaned in to speak to me in hushed tones, "But if you're not together, you should really tell him that."

I furrowed my brow, "Tell him? This isn't a date! We're working on a project together."

"Lovino, I can see from all the way over here he's smitten with you."

It was my turn to blush, my face got so hot that I could have probably boiled the pool water with it, "That's not true!" I hissed, "He's just nice!"

"Not even the worlds sweetest man looks at someone they're not totally taken with like that."

I rolled my eyes, trying to hide my embarrassment, "We're just friends."

Femke studied my face, "Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Shoot."

"How do you feel about him?"

"What the fuck kind of question is that?"

She smiled and took my hand underwater, "Darling, you're in denial, you're really in denial... That's sort of making me think you like him too."

I gave her a look of offence and pulled away from her grip, "Why the fuck would you even think that?"

"I've got a feeling you know why."

I started to back away from her. I didn't know why! It was all bullshit! Antonio and I only saw each other as friends! I-I liked girls anyway! I thought I did anyway... I didn't like him! He didn't like me!

I turned around quickly and found his tanned figure, still sitting by the pool. Our eyes met and I clenched my jaw so he wouldn't see how distressed I was. He wasn't allowed to know this conversation happened between me and Femke. I didn't want him to get ideas and start thinking things!

I didn't even realise that I was drifting over to him until I was right beside to him. I could only hope my face wasn't damn red anymore.

"Hey, Lovi..." He smiled, it was another awkward one, "Did you have fun? You were doing great!"

Ugh, shit, this wasn't good. He was speaking like a mom would to her spoilt son. Careful because you don't wanna make them mad but still the hope that they'll open up, despite the shit they put you through.

"I'm sorry." I winced as I even said those words. I hated apologising, it made me look so fucking weak. But I didn't want to hurt Antonio.

"What for?" He laughed, "Don't be silly, this was your thing."

"No, listen to me, I really mean it." He slipped into the water beside me, "Don't try to make me say it twice!"

Once I saw the confusion on his face I realised I really did need to elaborate. Great.

"I got mad at you because you were helping when I wanted to do things differently and ditched you." I hesitantly looked up at his face, "I feel bad."

He smiled again, thank fuck, this one was real, "Lovi, it's okay. I was maybe being to bossy."

I hit his hard chest, "You weren't. I was acting fussy and overreacted. Now you won't be able to be the one teaching me how to swim."

He didn't reply for a moment, "The important thing is that you did learn. You looked like you were doing really well!"

But I could tell it still stung that I left him on the sidelines, "Look!" I tried to brighten the mood like he did when I was down, holy shit it felt awkward, "I'll show you all the cool crap I can do now!"

For over an hour I swam lengths, splashed around and messed around with Antonio until he was back to the usual dopey ass he was. And hey, fuck it, it was the most fun I had in weeks. He let me take rides on his back, try and fail to return the favour, he showed me the star float, the mushroom float, we had competitions to see who could hold our breath the longest, played underwater tag, all the shit kids did until our fingers had pruned and we couldn't even remember the friction from earlier.

I had crashed into him when we came up for the last time. I knocked the breath out of him but he still laughed as we came back up for air. He had me by the waist and even after he seemed to have recovered he didn't let go. My hands were placed on his forearms. I was too conscious of how close we were, he was still clinging to me... He wasn't laughing or catching his breath anymore.

So what the fuck was he doing? I slowly looked up at him and found that he was gazing at me, his eyes were smiling, his lips curved into a gentle, content look.

Oh my god.

One had slowly came off my waist wand was raised to push back my soaked hair before his fingers ghosted down the side of my face, along my jaw... Over my lower lip.

All I could do is look straight ahead, my whole body clenched up. He was still looking at me. Shit, shit, shit...

And why the hell were there butterflies in my chest!? I wanted them out!

Was he gonna kiss me or something?

Crap, what if he did?

No way... He wouldn't. He didn't like me that way!

That other damn hand the still had my waist was moving to the small of my back and pushed me into him.

What the fuck?

What the fuck?!

This was gross, there was a buzzing in my dick as it was shoved into his leg.

Something was happening. Had I been drugged!?

I blinked quickly a few times. This was just a physical response.

"We should go get changed." I said quickly and breathlessly and pulled away. Shit, I felt so damn dizzy... But I walked on through it, it faded by the time I was able to get out the water. I was fine. The tingling in my dick was gone too so it was all good.

I didn't check to see if he was following. The plan was I'd get the hell out of there and meet him in the car, endure a quiet drive back and sleep on these events.

They were obviously gonna mean nothing but they did freak me out. Gross, what if I was getting more sick? Ew.

"Lovino!" Fuck, Femke had just materialised out of nowhere as I power walked to the showers.

She was just out too, must have climbed out after me, "Don't you have pensioners to take care of?"

She smiled, "They have the lifeguards for now, I just wanted to talk to you for a second."

"Yeah?" I really didn't feel like talking.

"I wanted to apologise for earlier. I forgot my place and probably made you really uncomfortable! I don't want you to think I was trying to pry into your private life or anything like that!" She gushed.

I smiled a little, "It's fine, you probably just don't know him in the way I do."

She gave me a pitiful look. What the hell did I do to deserve that? "I stand by what I said." She retorted, "I don't take it back, I'm just sorry I was so upfront about it. He's a really lovely and handsome guy, we both know it..." She gave me a wink, "I just don't want to see him waste his feelings."

I snorted, "He can waste them until the cows come home!"

She pouted, "Such a shame, I know lots of people who would do anything to be in your position."

I choked there. I stared at her in silence, like she had just fucking hit me.

No they wouldn't.

They wouldn't.

And Femke wouldn't say that if she knew how we met, she wouldn't have said that if she knew why I was learning to swim.

Nobody would ever want to be me unless they were seriously fucked up.

I didn't even want to be me.

I opened my mouth and shut it again. It was like Femke had triggered something, an overwhelming wave of sadness... Or maybe it was anxiety crashed down on me, and it hurt like a bitch.

I didn't want to be me.

And I hadn't for a long, long time.

"Lovino?" Femke noticed my reaction.

"Lovi?" Another voice echoed off the tile walls. Antonio's.

"It's..." I blinked a few times, looking between them. They were exchanging a worried glanced, Antonio didn't know what Femke had said and Femke didn't understand how she hit me, "It's nothing, I'm fine." I said in one rushed breath. I grabbed Femke's hand and shook it, "We're friends."

I took off then, walking even faster than before for a shower, "Wait!" I heard Antonio call after me after a hurried goodbye to Femke, "Lovi..."

"I'm fine!" I lied.


	16. Chapter 15

_A/N: Hey! Sorry if this chapter seems really short, I've been struggling with writers block and the words just weren't coming out right, they were stuck in my head... So I'm also sorry if this chapter is a boring one, and the ending is strange, promise this continues!_

_I'm also forced to announce a short two week hiatus of this fic. This isn't something I want to do but I'm going away with my family for a while to a place with no internet so I can't upload. Next chapter will be on the 4th of August!_

_Thanks for reading anyway, please review._

**Chapter Fourteen**

**Only Home- Part one**

After we showered Lovi seemed to be normal, but something just bugged me! He and I had been messing around in the pool, just having fun only minutes before... Then he suddenly changed, he got out, I hung back for a few seconds and by the time I caught up he was just acting so different...

So distant and distracted, like his soul had curled up in a ball and didn't quite fit his body anymore.

Did I maybe get to close?

As we walked to the car I let my mind track back to those moments, the moments when I held him in my arms. He had shoved into me, probably not expecting to crash into me so hard, and I had to quickly resurface with him, coughing a little. He had just naturally fallen against me! He was so small enclosed in my arms but still felt right. His hair had flopped over his forehead, dark with water and a drop of water; in it's perfect round shape, was trailing down his nose.

My eyes were resting on him as his darted around a little unsure where they should go until they met mine. The eye contact hardly lasted! But I just wanted to bring him closer and kiss him, right there in the pool, the rest of the world had disappeared and it was only him, me, and his beautiful plump lips, flushed with colour.

I narrowed my eyes as we sat in the car, had I come on too strong? Sure, he pushed me away; maybe I did get a little close... But he seemed okay... Didn't he?

I squeezed the steering wheel as I pulled out the parking space, the more I thought about this the more it, the more it seemed like this really was my fault. I put together the evidence, he was talking to Femke, he was confused looking and scared, and as soon as I showed up he fled!

"'Tonio."

I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts that his low commanding voice startled me, "Huh?" I spluttered out, unable to process that he had said my name AND think of a response quickly enough.

He was fumbling around down the side of the passenger seat, finally he grabbed what he was looking for and tilted the back of his chair down, reclining as much as he could, "I'm hungry and I don't want the hospital food."

He was now looking up at my car ceiling, I cringed as I realised it wasn't much better than the car floor... Oops, I should have really cleaned this thing out before I took him out in it... "Why not?"

"It's shit." He placed his hands behind his head, "Take me somewhere."

I watched the road. Take him where? There was my cafe, but I didn't have anything in there that would fill him up for long! There were restaurants in the town but I wasn't certain about spending that much money to take him out on a whim because he was hungry... I couldn't tell him that though. I had a feeling he was a little uneasy he was about my reduced salary!

"Hmm... McDonalds?" I suggested airily, we were close to one too!

He sat straight up the second I spoke, he looked scandalised! "'Tonio, do you know where I'm fucking from!?"

His tone was so explosive I almost stalled the car, "Huh?!"

He threw his arms out beside him for a second before jabbing his thumb into his chest, "Italy! _Si_!? You do not suggest fucking McDonalds shit holes to me!"

I knitted my brow... Gosh, I never realised how strongly he felt, "T-They have McDonalds in Italy..."

Lovi made a gagging noise, "Only for uncultured tourists and traitors. No real Italian wants fucking cow entrails with shitty plastic cheese."

"Hmm..." It didn't look like he was going for much of a compromise there, "Well there's-"

He stopped me, "If you're about to suggest KFC, Burger King, Subway, or any shit like that you can take a walk off a fucking cliff!"

I laughed at that, "How did you know what I was thinking?"

He just made another disgusted noise and refused to respond.

"Well..." I said after a few minutes more, "I guess I could take you home and we could cook?" I shrugged, "It's not like you hated it the last time you tried my cooking."

I decided that him not immediately shooting this one down as a good sign, "What are you making?" He asked.

"Whatever we want." I drummed my fingers on the wheel as I thought, before deciding to go very traditionally Spanish, "Paella maybe?"

"Paella..." He rolled the idea around in his head a little, "Fine."

"Great!" I exclaimed before suddenly stopping, "Oh but wait, I haven't been shopping..."

Undeterred, Lovi just pointed to the turn off that led to the big superstore that we just so happened to be approaching, "So what? It'll take like twenty minutes? I'll come."

"But you need to be back at the hospital!"

Lovi rolled his eyes and reached out to grab the steering wheel. Woah! I made a loud scared noise, he was making us swerve! "Lovino!" I cried out as I shoved him away, trying to regain control... I didn't breathe as I tried to straighten the car. I had to turn. I clenched my jaw as I ended up being able to get back to normal after I turned, finally able to breathe a sigh of relief...

"I'm not going back yet." Lovi told me flatly, acting like nothing had happened.

"That was really dangerous!" I wailed, "Lovi! Why did you have to do that!?"

He made his fingers into a fake gun and put it to the side of my head, his tiny fingertip against my temple, "We're getting food and having dinner together, I'm putting a gun to your head."

I sighed... Oh man, I couldn't get mad at this guy...

Looking over to his grumpy face I gave myself a small smile and headed to get what we needed.

**.oO0Oo.**

He held his little fake gun to my head all the way until we got through the automatic doors! I grabbed a basket and we set off around the store...

"We don't need so many fucking mussels!" Lovi hissed, trying to tug one bag from my hands, "And you can put one of those damn chorizos back!"

I frowned and refused to let go of my mussels, "What? No, you don't eat the shells! I promise one bag isn't enough!"

He crossed his arms and made a distressed noise, "I don't want too many."

I furrowed my brow, "You said you were hungry!"

He scuffed his shoe on the hard floor, "Not that hungry..."

I placed the mussels amongst the other ingredients, "Better too much than too little..." I murmured, "Why are you so picky about this? I never thought you were so tight with this stuff." With almost every ingredient Lovino had told me I had too much or too many, and I needed to put half of it back.

"It's not good to waste food."He told my plainly.

"But I already told you I can keep what we don't have for later!" I went through my mental list of what we needed, "Come on, I think we have everything."

I put my hand on his back and led him to the till. Only once we had arrived there did he decide to explain a little, "You gotta be careful with money now, don't spend too much so you can feed me more."

I paused in loading my stuff on the conveyer belt, "You're worried about my money?"

"Yes!" He hissed, scowling as my second bag of mussels was scanned, "Since you're obviously not! You realise you cut your own pay, right?"

I sighed, fishing out my wallet to pay, "Oh Lovi, you have to stop getting so worked up about that..." I smiled at the sweet young man serving me, "I can cope like this!"

He rolled his eyes, leaning against the till, "Well it's not like you'd tell me if you were struggling."

I creased my forehead in worry, taking the cart, "Lovi, Lovi, Lovi..." I led him back out the store, "You're talking like I'm living the champagne lifestyle!" I laughed, "I'm more of a lemonade guy. I live alone, I don't have guests often, I don't need expensive food... I barely even drink alcohol!"

He was silent, just climbed in the car as I held the door open for him. How did I convince him? I really was fine!

I loaded my bags into the back and finally got into the driver's seat again. Lovi was leaned all the way back in his again, almost lying down, "When you see my place will you believe me?" I asked.

He turned his face to mine, "Huh?"

I turned the key in the ignition, "My house! I'll prove that I have food in the cupboards, all the furniture I need... And if you see that I have everything, will you stop worrying about me?"

He pursed his lips, considering this, "Fine." He finally said.

**.oO0Oo.**

The moment I opened the front door I started to feel self conscious... Oh gosh, what if this place smelled and I had never noticed? I put all my laundry away this morning, right? And this place wasn't too small, was it? It was a bungalow after all...

I was regretting having a tiled hallway.

"Welcome to my house..." I said nervously as I flicked on the lights, no mess in here... I looked down the hallway to the very end, my bedroom door was shut. Thank goodness! Who knew what kind of state that place was in...

Lovi took a few steps in, slipping his shoes off as his eyes travelled around the room.

Well he didn't immediately complain... That was good! Yeah... That was good!

I headed for the living room, there were no clothes lying around. It was actually in a pretty good way! I grabbed a coffee mug from the table just as he entered after me. There... It was fine.

He followed me through into the kitchen and I winced at the sight of three days worth of dirty dishes lying around. But all together, the house wasn't that bad.

"You wanna watch T.V?" I asked, placing my bags on the counter as he wrinkled his nose. He probably saw the cereal remains that had gone like concrete at the bottom of one bowl, "I shouldn't take too long cooking!" I added.

He shrugged, pushing the bowl away from him, "Or I could watch."

I waited for second so he could tell me he was joking... I laughed nervously when that never came,

"Yeah..." I nodded awkwardly, "That's true... But I've got great channels! MTV?"

That's what teenagers liked, right?

He laughed sarcastically, "Ew." He watched me unpack a little more before turning and wandering back into the living room, "I'll take a look at what shit you've got."

I smiled, relieved as he left, it was always so awkward when people watched me cook! Having Lovi there would be way too much pressure.

At least he was acting normally again. As I started to get cooking, I thought about his behaviour. One minute he seemed barely there, the next he was his normal moody self!

And I still had to wonder if I had done that... I had almost kissed him! Without any warning at all!

I had really, really acted out of turn.

I mean, what if that was the memory he took away from our swimming lessons? All that fun and excitement shadowed by me being a selfish creep!

I carried on cooking with this worry. I half listened in as he watched the news until dinner was finally served.


	17. Chapter 16

_A/N: HONEY, I'M HOOME!_

_I'm back from the wild and come bearing a brand new long(ish) chapter :DD_

_As always, don't forget to review, I just don't write well without them and thanks for reading!_

**Chapter Sixteen**

I took our plates through to eat on the couch. I gave him more than me, discreetly loading his portion as much as I could. I did suspect that he wouldn't actually finish it, but I figured that he'd feel he'd have to eat at least half! I was trying to fill him up as much as I could.

I was right in the end, though he did down most of it. He even complimented it! He complimented as whole four times! Yeah, he used some very colourful language- but he was sweet. Lovi was always so sweet.

"You're done?" I asked, just in case he wanted more as I went to take his plate.

"I'm fucking stuffed." He confirmed, nodding.

I took back our plates to the kitchen, figuring I'd sort out washing them once I had taken my little guest home.

It wasn't until I had turned back around that I realised that Lovi was actually standing there in the kitchen doorway, smirking.

"Oh!" I waved, "Hey Lovi! You okay?"

He gripped the edge of the doorway, hanging out and swinging from it, "You gonna give me the grand tour, jackass?"

I frowned, watching him, "Me?" I pointed to myself, "What? Tour?"

Surely he didn't mean this place...

"Of the house."

Oh... So he did mean here. Why would he want something like that? He had even seen most of it, there wasn't exactly much else!

"You know you can't stay the night here or anything, right? I have to take you back to the hospital..."

"I know, I know!" He reached over and grabbed my arm, dragging me out of the kitchen and back through the living room, "But I wanna see this place!"

I followed him easily enough, the arm he was holding limp in his hand, "Well, you've really seen the main rooms..." I still took him over to the door opposite the living room and pulled it open, flicking on the lights.

Inside was my only bathroom. It wasn't a bad size; it had a bath, a shower, everything else it might need, but it did feel a little weird just showing it to Lovi like this, "You can probably guess what this is." I gave him a small smile as he passed, stepping inside for a better look.

"Why the fuck is your damn toilet purple?" Was the first thing he asked.

I laughed loudly, "That!" I exclaimed, peeking in at my ceramic plum toilet bowl, "I love it! Isn't it fun? The last owner offered to replace it for me if I paid extra for the house but I had to say no! It's my favourite thing! The lady who sold me this place says she put it in in the 70s, it was the very first thing she did to the place and kept it ever since! She was a lovely lady, she lived with her husband here but they wanted a bigger pla-!"

My rambling was stopped when Lovi clamped his hands over my mouth, "'Tonio, it's fucking terrible!"

I smiled widely, prising his hands from my lips, "I'm sorry, Lovi, you can make me regret all of my decorating decisions ever, but never this one!"

He made an exasperated noise and shoved me lightly, "This one is the worst."

I ruffled his hair as he flipped off my toilet and retreated from my bathroom.

"That's rude." I chided, closing the door behind him.

"Don't care. Where next?"

"Next?" I looked up and down the hall, before shrugging, "That's kinda it! Except my room, I guess." I glanced over my shoulder; my room was way down at the end of the hall.

Lovi obviously caught on to where I was looking and started to walk down the hall, "That's something."

"Wait!" I hurried after him, just managing to slip in front of him as he reached for the door handle, "Come on... My room isn't that interesting!"

He stood back and crossed his arms indignantly, "What? You got porno mags lying around in there or something?"

I blushed, heat pricking my cheeks, "No!" I put my hand over my face, trying to hide my embarrassment, "Why would you think that?!"

He raised one eyebrow, "That's exactly what the fuck someone with porn out would say."

I widened my eyes. He didn't truly think that, did he? Oh no... He must have really had me down as a creep.

"Okay..." I finally said reluctantly, "You can look inside."

...

"'Tonio."

"Yes?"

"You're still blocking the fucking door!"

I sighed. I had half hoped that if Lovi couldn't see the door to my room he'd stop thinking about it... But I guess not.

I side stepped out of the way, letting his small frame squeeze through as he muttered curses and unceremoniously pushed the door open; walking into my bedroom.

I dashed in after him; there was something in there that I just couldn't let him see!

"'Tonio..." He said quietly. Oh no! He had already seen it!

I pushed him a little out of the way and dived onto the bed grabbing the offending item, "I'm sorry!" I wailed, gripping it tightly and holding it to my chest.

"Huh?" Lovino who had just stumbled back a few steps shot a confused but sort of angry look over to me, "What the fuck is your problem!?"

I shoved what I had grabbed under my pillow, surely he had seen it though, it was probably too late, "I meant to put it away! I didn't want you to see!"

He scowled, clearly not enjoying his tour around my house being disturbed, "What the hell is it!?" He stormed over to the bed, climbing up onto it and walking over to me as I lay back, protecting my dignity under the pillow, for once towering over me, "Show me! Christ... It is a porno, isn't it?"

I looked at him scandalised. He wouldn't stop saying that, "No!"

"Well?!" He snapped holding out his hands. He actually looked pretty scary when he was standing over me like this.

I sat up slowly, looks like he had me cornered. The only left to do was reveal the embarrassing item!

"It's..." I said meekly, "It's yesterdays dirty underwear lying on my bed."

"What?" Lovi deadpanned.

I looked up at his face, "Please don't make me say it again!"

He let himself fall, bouncing as he landed on the mattress, lying back and looking at the ceiling.

He was shaking- oh gosh, was he okay?

"_That's_ what you were so freaked out about?!" Only when he sat up did I realised he was laughing.

"Huh?" I looked at him in confusion... Wasn't he gonna call me gross and leave? But even as I waited for that reaction to come along I could feel a smile tug at the corners of my mouth. Lovino really should have been happy more, it was amazingly contagious. Like, it brightened the whole room.

By the time his fit of laughter was starting to calm I couldn't keep the grin from my face, it was like his youthful laughter was a spell. I had been so embarrassed and ashamed... But suddenly all those feelings had disappeared so much that even if I tried I couldn't bring them back.

"You're such a fucking idiot!" He exclaimed loudly, catching his breath and lunging forward to shove my shoulder, "Jeeze I thought it was gonna be something freaking terrible!"

I slipped my hand under the pillow, yup, they were still hidden, "I thought it was terrible!" I confessed, "They're not even clean!"

He rolled his eyes and sat back, "Unless you shit yourself in them how bad can they be?" He wasn't laughing anymore but he was smiling, and that was enough, "Honestly, I thought it'd be porn."

I frowned, "You keep accusing me of that!"

He shrugged, crossing his legs, "Maybe you give off those kind of vibes."

"No way!"

Did this mean he really thought I was a creep? After I got so close... Maybe he really did see me that way.

If he did, I had no one to blame but myself. I hadn't been able to hold myself back and if I had scared him a little that was my fault not his.

I had stepped too far. I had crossed the line. I had come on too strong.

However you put it, that's all there was too it.

Shaking this off for the hundredth time or so this evening I went back to trying not to let my expression falter as anxiety crossed my mind.

"You let me in that disgusting car but freak out over that?"

I blinked and sat staring blankly as I came to terms what he said and laughed lightly, he had a point! "I guess there's just nothing particularly embarrassing in there!" I said airily, there wasn't exactly a science to it.

He gave me a funny look, "You mean that mess wasn't embarrassing enough as it was! 'Tonio, your car is disgusting! This room is actually kinda nice."

I grinned, "Aw, little Lovi, I'll get the car all cleaned up for you!" It took me a little longer to comprehend his last statement... "You think it's nice?" I asked, like I worried that this was a joke he wasn't gonna let me in on (actually, that _did_ worry me).

He nodded bashfully. He had said that last bit as something he maybe hoped I would overlook or miss... But even if it was a little comment, something any _normal_ person would say in politeness, this was _Lovino_,and that meant it meant more.

"It's the window." He told me absently, looking over to the window, "It's neat. And it's a big room."

I joined him in looking out my huge window. As much as I wanted to be modest, it felt impossible to not agree that the window in my room was the best part of the house. The room was certainly big. Living alone with not many guests I decided I would indulge and expand it. The wall that faced the garden was barely a wall at all! There was bricks and plaster there but it only covered enough of the space to be a border. The rest of the wall was glass.

The glass that was cut off each end by curtains; looked out over my garden. Lovi knew how much I loved my garden; it was in a better state than the whole rest of the house! There was a line of patio that I scrubbed hard at every year to keep clean and the rest was mostly plants. There were stepping stones that if you followed you would actually find a small lawn area at the end of, complete with a sun lounger but the mass of greenery was my favourite part. There were trees, all in different stages of growth, small colourful flowers, bushes of all different sizes, big flamboyant roses and tiny fleabane.

Allium flowers, Spanish dagger bushes, cherry blossom trees, and tulips. Huge leaves that held water on their textured shapes, grass that was green and soft, flower beds that were so full with plants of different shapes and sizes it was like the Amazon compressed.

"I like to watch my garden." I told Lovi as he slowly rose from the bed and got closer to the window, "You should have come earlier!" I exclaimed suddenly, following him, "I get bees, butterflies... They love it! I even have some bird feeders around, I get the sweetest birdies." I sighed, "They've all gone home now."

Lovi leaned forward until his forehead bumped the cool glass, "It's actually a little beautiful."

I laughed loudly, "Just a little?" I was kidding of course, Lovi telling me even that was like him worshipping it!

He shrugged, "Don't you get fucking cocky." He put his hands on the glass, "Damn. Must get freezing in here in the winter."

I smiled and chapped on the glass twice, "Double glazing!"

"That shit is expensive!"

"Ah, but worth it."

There was silence; he kept looking, like he had started to peer at each individual plant. I hoped he wasn't really doing that; he'd be there for ages!

I took a few steps back and sat on the bed again, I didn't need to look as closely as he did. He still didn't speak; I wondered for a few minutes what plant he'd be... Would he be a beautiful rose? Or maybe a resilient grass? It was after about twenty seconds that I realised I knew exactly what he'd be!

The whole garden!

It fit him perfectly! He was just like the garden, he was like the roses in how beautiful he was, but he was also shy like the snow drops that peeked out in winter. He had the ferocity of the buttercups that I had stopped calling weeds and now saw as 'wild flowers' so that I didn't have to stress over the impossible battle of getting rid of them. He was like the big weeping willow at the back, in the corner of the lawn in the way he was overwhelming. He was strong like the ivy that climbed the fences either side of the garden.

And like the plants that were going out of season he was wilting.

Like the garden he was everything.

And like the garden he had become my everything.

He turned around finally and I suddenly realised I had been staring the back of his head with a kinda surprised expression!

"What the hell got you doing all this shit?" He motioned towards the garden

"Hmm..." I acted like I was thinking but it was only for effect! I knew exactly what had inspired my gardening craze! "It was the weeping willow at the back!" I pointed, "See the one at the back? It was there when I moved in. The owners of this place told me over and over how lovely it was; they thought it was something really special!" I laughed remembering the enthusiasm the lady had for her tree, "I didn't totally get it back then but it was sweet and looked nice so I took care of it when I moved in, trimming it when it got out of control and rake leaves away from it when it shed. Before I really knew it I was in love with it as much as its previous owners! I started to do other garden stuff to compliment it. Some flower beds, a bird bath..." I put an arm around him, "It got out of hand! I started to love it all as much as I loved the willow! And here we are!"

After finishing my little story he was strangely quiet. For a second I did wonder if he had been listening but before my worries could snowball into anything big he spoke, "Gardening suits you."

"You think?"

He nodded slowly, "Old yellow cars and gardening; that sums you up."

I nodded but wasn't really sure if I followed his logic.

"Why is this room so fucking _big_ anyway?" He asked, standing and starting the long walk from one wall to the one opposite, "You don't need all this damn space!"

I lay back again as I watched him pace, "I like it! There was a guest room and a shared en suit for us both that I got rid of, I just used that space!"

He turned to me, reaching the opposite wall he had been heading for, "So it was a great big fuck you to any guests you had?"

I cringed, when he put it like that he made me feel selfish, "I don't get guests that often..."

"Alright..." He began, "So if I were staying the night where would you put me?"

"Put you?"

"Where would I actually sleep? Please don't say the damn couch."

I frowned, "No..." I pointed up, "The attic!"

He followed where I was pointing up to the ceiling, "The attic? You made that into a proper room?"

"Sort of!" I shrugged, "It's clean enough! And there's a bed... A lamp... All you really need!"

"Show me."

I didn't get up right away, "You know I still can't let you sleep here, right?"

My reminder was met with an irritated eye roll, "I know! I asked for the damn tour so actually give me one!"

I looked at him in surprise before nodding and standing. I never thought he would actually get so worked up about seeing around my place! It seemed so strange... But I was actually sort of flattered.

"It's up here!" I took him out to the hall and jumped up to grab the handle that brought the latter to the attic down. I held him out of the way as the ladder slid down and a musty smell filled out noses as the hatch to the attic was opened.

I gestured to the silver ladder, "You wanna go up first?

Slowly Lovino nodded and stepped in front of the ladder, placing his hand and one foot on it, making sure nothing would give way under him before starting up the steps quickly, getting up through the hatch and making a loud thump as he scrambled onto the floor above.

"You okay up there?" I called up; smiling as his face appeared, peeking over the edge, looking kinda like a scared child.

"Just hurry the fuck up!" His face disappeared and there was a noise of frustration, "I can't find the damn light switch!"

I followed him up, though I didn't go as fast and pushed up onto the wooden floor, I found him on the other side of the hatch, watching me in the dark. I stood up and walked calmly to the side of the wall, which was slanted thanks to the shape of the roof, to flip on the lights.

There was a few tense seconds of blackness before they flickered on.

It was definitely true the attic seemed much less looming once the lights were on. What was a dark cave like area was suddenly a comfortable looking bedroom!

Okay so 'comfortable' maybe pushed it a little.

There were boxes everywhere, but I had kept them tucked by the walls, as much out of the way as I could get them so there was enough space around the bed that no one sleeping in it would feel too claustrophobic or closed in.

"Here we are!" I went back over to Lovi and reached out to help him to his feet.

He looked up at me, I didn't meet his eyes but could feel his gaze, "It's a bed... A rug, and a lamp." He commented.

"Yeah!" I confirmed, "And a rocking chair!" I went to pull an old creaky rocking chair out of the corner and put it by the foot of the bed.

"Not much of a fucking bedroom." He told me and sat down on the bed heavily, making a face when the springs (or maybe it was the metal bed frame) creaked.

I shrugged and took a seat on the rocking chair, "It works for a night or two! Actually, it gets nice and cosy once you get used to it."

Lovi (who seemed to actually be warming to the creaky bed, curling up on the woollen blanket laid over the duvet) was examining the walls, "If you didn't have all these fucking boxes!"

I frowned, "What about the boxes?"

"If they weren't there you could do this place up nice."

I rocked back, spotting a wispy cobweb on the ceiling, "Where else would I put them?"

I heard more rusty squeaking, "What's in them anyway?"

I let myself rock forward again, "My stuff, my mother's stuff... Even some of my dad's stuff!"

"And you've got it piled up here for what reason?"

"I've got space for it all! Three years ago they downsized for retirement, moved into an apartment, a nice one! A really nice one!" I closed my eyes, resting them, "But they wanted to keep their things, and my old things. There's books, lamps, plates, they didn't take much when they moved because they knew they didn't have to get rid of anything. I'm happy to have it!" I laughed, "It's great having it actually!"

Even though he didn't usually let me ramble, Lovi didn't interrupt me as I spoke. I didn't open my eyes, just let his response float through the dusty air, "Why do you want old junk?" His question was surprisingly tame... Encouraging another ramble was weird, but certainly welcome. I liked talking to him!

"Mostly sentimental value." I started to rock on the chair gently, "This is gonna sound really silly to you, Lovi, because you've had it worse than me, and for much longer, but I was lonely before I met you. I had Feli, all my workers but not really any friends like I had in Newhurst, where I grew up." I sighed, "I don't really mean lonely like nothing to do on a Friday night, but the kind that made my friends Francis and Gilbert worry. They kept telling me I should go back; I could open a cafe there! I never did it, obviously, I don't know why not but I'm glad I never did move. If I didn't how would we have met?" I smiled to myself, "Francis and Gilbert and really great, Lovi. I love them a lot. We three were actually pretty popular in high school if you can believe that. Not so much with teachers, but we got on well with other students. But no matter how many other friends we had, it was always us three. Our trio was exclusive and for one, the other two came above everything else. If one of us got into trouble and wanted to runaway with the circus I have a feeling the other two would follow. Yeah, Lovi, those guys are the best, you'll meet them."

I yawned and stretched, resting for a second before realising that I had been off on a tangent. I carried on, "Yeah, we were close. Then I moved here." I settled in the chair, "With such a big distance, it's hard to keep as close as we were. Gilbert has a boyfriend who I haven't even met, and I started to feel like we just had lives so different. Those two are still inseparable but I feel like I've become a little alienated... It's nobody's fault! I mean, no way am I blaming either of them. Never ever. It just kind of happened. I was denying at first, but I started to realise how lonely I was... I never really made connections here. Probably because I still had it in my head that the people back home were just as close to me as they were back then. By the time I realised that wasn't true I felt like it was too late. When my parents moved they originally wanted to buy storage space for the stuff they didn't have room for but before they could I stepped in! I liked having it all up there, even if some of it was junk. It reminded me of better times! I would go through on box and a book, or an old hat I wear would take me right back to that one summer when I was 16 and Francis had stolen a bottle of wine from his house! We got drunk for the first time and even if I'm not a guy who really drinks a lot now, it's a very fond memory... It was like all that old stuff were my friends... Kinda sad when you think about if like that though!" I opened my eyes, "I've got you now, Lovi, I've not looked through that stuff since I met you- I've got a friend!"

For the time being.

It hit me that Lovi hadn't made even a sound throughout all of me speaking. By the end I felt like I was even sort of talking to myself!

I let the chair rock forward and let out a little 'oh' when I realised why Lovi had gone so quiet.

He was fast asleep on the bed.

I stilled the chair, not letting it creak as I watched a little. He was a sleeping beauty, no kidding. The orange dim light made his face, turned towards me, shadowy and his skin look warm. He looked so alive like this even though he was asleep. Maybe that was because his breathing made him rise and fall so much, he was breathing a lot heavier than he did when awake. I even wondered why I never heard it; the sound was filling the room. I guessed I was just wrapped up in my own story.

This was the second time that day that he looked not just alive, but full of life. The other time was when he and I were messing around in the pool. His face was flushed, his eyes wide and bright, his movements were totally fluid, and he was just so animated.

I wanted to tuck him in, put some covers over him, maybe take his socks off but I didn't. I couldn't allow him to get too comfortable otherwise he'd be out for the night. He wasn't allowed to stay; I didn't have the hospitals permission.

I still didn't make a move to wake him. I just let him be, his lips slightly parted, his body curled up on the bed, and watched him.

How could anyone like Lovino Vargas even exist? What was the probability of someone just like him coming into the world? And the odds of them and I meeting?

He wasn't perfect. He yelled, got angry over nothing, called me names, acted out a lot, swore like a sailor... But to me he was perfect. Perfect for me, but not _for_ me.

Then what was the probability that he was leaving me? He was like a fire that burned quickly and brightly while we were all embers that lived long but only glowed.

In the end, he woke himself up. He shuffled on the bed and one of the springs made a noise loud enough to bring him back. I was lucky enough to watch as he slowly half opened his eyes, his line of sight immediately on me.

"Hey Lovi..." I spoke to him in a voice that was so soft it was like he was still asleep!

He pushed himself up into a sitting position, "Did I fall asleep?" He was looking around, dazed. He seemed a little different; the spiky demeanour wasn't there yet... He was like Feli like this!

"That's right." I stood, "You've been sleeping for a little while now." I held out a hand, "You ready to go back to the hospital?"

He took my hand and got to his feet. His palm was warm and a little damp with sweat because he had been sleeping on it, but that was okay. He seemed really out of it as he was led (by me!) to the ladder.

"It was your voice..." He murmured, "It's nice. It calms me down. I think about it a lot in the hospital when I can't sleep and sometimes it makes me want to call you in the middle of the night."

I froze, sitting at the edge of the hatch... I wondered if I had heard right. He must have still been half asleep, he would have never say that kind of thing when he was acting as normal.

"You know you can call anytime you want." I told him quietly.

I thought of Francis' late night (or early morning) phone call and felt a little bad for rejecting him. But Lovi was different. And Lovi wouldn't call me drunk.

"Don't want you to think I'm a burden." He looked up at me as I helped him onto the ladder, "You mean too much."

He then climbed down the ladder in silence.


	18. Chapter 18

_A/N: Thank you so so much for all the reviews! You guys really are what makes writing worthwhile :')_

_I'm here with the next chapter, this was meant to have more at the end but it was getting long so I'll continue where this one leaves of next week_

_Please keep reviewing and thank you for reading._

**Chapter Seventeen**

**A Room With a View**

We drove home that night with barely a word exchanged between us. Before we got to the hospital I could see he was back to his normal self, I could tell by the way he held himself. But I never figured out how he felt about what he said to me in his sleepy daze.

He might have forgotten, thought he dreamt it, or maybe he was so out of it that he didn't even realise he was talking.

Or maybe he just didn't care! That was the most appealing theory I had. He hadn't frantically taken back the comment so maybe he had decided that he was going to let me take the good feeling it gave me without trying to take away any of its meaning.

It wasn't a big thing that he said. Just that sometimes he felt like calling but didn't want to bug me. But it was _him_ who said it! Lovi! This was the guy who didn't care about rules or anything, if he wanted something; he went for it and didn't look back! He was so strong willed, and he considered _me_ important enough to go against what he wanted to do!

It certainly was a contrast to the usual constant name calling I got from him!

Days passed and I didn't bring up either of his moments of strange behaviour. I guess I was just too scared to ask, I didn't know the reason for either of them.

I decided to ask Feliciano. I might have gotten close to Lovi, but his own brother as bound to understand him, even when I couldn't. I would see Lovi afterwards, hopefully with a clearer idea of what to do about his moods.

It was Friday- he was moving rooms at last! As much as I tried, Lovino didn't seemed too hyped up about giving up his private room to share one with five other ill strangers. I still believed that the room with other people would be good for Lovi. He was the one who complained about being lonely all the time! He might even make more friends!

"I can't understand your brother!" I told Feliciano as he and I worked behind the counter. He was scrubbing at any surfaces as I washed the used coffee mugs beside him.

"Hm? Lovino?" Feliciano looked up suddenly from a mysterious sticky patch he was trying to get off.

I nodded, draining the murky water and starting to dry up the mugs, "Yeah, he's been acting kinda weird."

Feliciano, forgetting what he was doing for a moment, joined me, "Lovi always acts funny!" He laughed, "What'd he do? Is it because of moving rooms? Lovi was a little upset."

I nodded grimly, "I don't think it's that." Lovi's behaviour seemed triggered by something. It came on way too suddenly to be a reaction to news he had heard the day before.

Feliciano's face creased slightly with concern, "Really? What was he-"

Right then we were interrupted by the door closing behind us. We both turned, whoever it was was lucky! There were only two other people in the cafe, they would get our full attention!

"Ludwig!" Feli gasped and clasped his hands together at the sight of the rugged German entering, "Oh, he's early!"

I laughed, "You wanna go see him?" I nodded over to the other man who was placing his briefcase on his usual chair, looking over to Feliciano with what anyone else would call a steely expression, but one that Feliciano and I could tell was really affectionate.

Feliciano nodded quickly, "He's so early!" He told me again as he slipped past the counter and hurried over to Ludwig's table meeting the guy halfway over. Really, you'd never guess these two had been together for less than a week! It was cute! But I bet it would have made Lovi mad, when he and Ludwig met it was pretty clear that they didn't get along.

There was talking between them but I knew better than to listen in. I had more important things to worry about! Like how I was going to ask Feliciano about Lovi.

Did I tell him what happened? Did I need to? Or could I try and just beat around the bush, ask what it meant if Lovi stormed off without talking.

Before I had any idea about how to do this Feliciano was back next to me, leaning on the counter and watching Ludwig, "'Toni, he's so nice to me!" Feliciano exclaimed.

I chuckled, "I told you the two of you would be good together."

Feliciano laughed happily and turned to me, "You were right! He's so patient and understanding... I've got work at the theatre after this but he's picking me up at ten, I'm going to his house for the night! He's making us a late dinner!"

I looked at him a little surprised, "His house already, Feli?" I knew these two were a long time coming but all of sudden it was like they had never not been a couple.

He nodded, "It seems late for a date, but he was telling me sometimes he can work really late too! It's perfect..."

I looked at Feliciano with a little concern, "Don't you feel like the two of you are moving a little fast?"

Feliciano looked back at me then, "Fast?"

I laughed lightly, "Well yeah! You're already going to his house for the night? It's not even been a week!"

Feliciano frowned in confusion for a second before widening his eyes and realising what I meant, "Antonio!" His face flushed red, "No! It's nothing like that!" Feliciano looked over his shoulder when he realised how loud he had been speaking and put his hands over his embarrassed face, "I was just gonna sleep there..."

Even if I was a little worried I couldn't help but laugh at how flustered Feliciano got, "You never know what might happen!" I winked, "You know how German guys are, right?"

Poor Feli! He squeezed his eyes tight shut and looked like he was about to collapse into a crying puddle on the floor, "That's..." He sniffled, "That's so mean! How could you say that about Ludwig?"

I reached out and ruffled Feliciano's hair- him crying was a pretty common thing so I didn't think that much of it, "Ah, I'm sorry... But you know if you're in the same bed after having a nice romantic dinner..."

"Feliciano?" Another voice joined us, Feli and I looked over quickly to see Ludwig standing at the til, wallet in hand.

Feliciano gasped, scrubbing the tears from his eyes, "Ludwig!"

I smiled at Ludwig and leaned on the counter, "Feli was telling me all about your plans for tonight! Sounds like fun."

Feliciano grabbed his new boyfriend's hands like he was asking for help, "He's been saying such terrible, terrible things about you!"

Ludwig's usually stony but calm expression became one of surprise as he looked over to me before quickly staring to look concerned, "Really?" He looked between Feliciano and me, "What is it? Have I done something wrong?"

Feliciano and I looked at each other then in a pregnant pause before suddenly doing what he nor I nor Ludwig expected.

Feliciano and I suddenly burst out laughing!

Poor Ludwig looked so confused. He probably thought Feliciano and I had been making fun of him, but Feli and I just couldn't help it! Goodness knows why- nothing was even that funny but the two of us found the whole situation just hilarious. How we could ever think that Ludwig would try and do anything to Feliciano without Feli being totally ready was laughable! Ludwig of all people.

Ludwig was looking at Feliciano, trying to understand what on earth the two of us found so funny, "I just came to pay..."

I stepped forward and patted him on the arm, "It's okay, this one's on me." The guy deserved a break after dealing with the two of us.

By the time he had left Feliciano and I had calmed down, "He's a sweet guy." I said, "I'm glad you found someone like him."

Feliciano blushed, "You really think so?"

I hit him lightly on the side of the head, "Of course I do! I've been saying so since you first met him!" I stood back and got back to putting away the mugs, "Does he know about..." I lowered my head, not wanting to say it out loud, "Y'know."

Feliciano stopped and was silent for a second before nodding, "He knows. I told him everything that time Lovi fainted." He swallowed, "He was so nice about it."

I nodded, half surprised that someone as stoic as Ludwig could think of anything to say to someone like that. I barely knew what to say most of the time and I was actually pretty expressive,

"He's okay with it?" I asked.

"I think so. He's not mentioned it since I told him... He's not even acknowledged it. I just think he's a little scared of it- he's got no idea how I might feel if he tried to bring it up! You were a little scared with Lovino, _si_?"

That wasn't true- Lovino made it so clear that if I treated him like that just because he was sick he wasn't even gonna give me the time of day! In fact, I was more scared of acting scared than I was of how to handle his illness!

But Lovi was a special case, and I didn't want Feliciano to think that Ludwig's totally normal reaction was a bad one, "Yeah." I lied, "He's not used to it is all."

We carried on drying and putting away mugs, I took a peek at Feli's expression. Good- he didn't look worried. I knew that Ludwig would come through and be very supportive, it was going to take a little time.

I smiled, thinking of a lighter topic, "And does Lovi know?"

Feli looked up, his angelic face showing a little confusion, "Hm?"

"About you and Ludwig!" I laughed. I had a strong feeling that Lovi was clueless about the whole thing. He hadn't yelled at me for letting it happen, or complained that he brother had no taste yet. One of those things would have_ definitely_ happened if he knew.

Feliciano laughed nervously, "No... He doesn't know."

I grinned, "Better tell him soon, right? You shouldn't keep secrets from your own brother." I teased.

"I'm taking Ludwig on my visit tomorrow..." Feliciano had started shaking like a leaf!

"Good luck!" I nudged him, "You'll need it!"

Suddenly Feliciano had thrown himself at me, gripping my shirt, "'Toni, I'm so scared! What if it's terrible?!"

"Woah there!" I didn't expect Feli to get _this_ freaked out, "You'll be fine! Just be careful, don't let him get too worked up, _si_?"

He nodded, "_Si_, _si_..."He sniffled, "I really want them to get along..."

I smiled awkwardly with nothing to say to that... That really would never happen. Once Lovi had set his heels in, he wouldn't budge! If he said he didn't like Ludwig he would probably never ever like Ludwig.

Luckily I didn't need to try and come up with something reassuring because Feliciano spoke again, "What were you asking about him?"

"What?"

"You said Lovino was acting strangely... What did he do?"

How could I put it? Could I really just tell Feliciano that I tried to kiss his brother? Well maybe not tried to kiss him exactly but definitely went too far... What if it made Feliciano mad?

And what if his advice wasn't what I wanted to hear?

I furrowed my brow... Did I really want to go so deeply into this? I mean, Lovi was obviously trying to cover up that he was upset, why didn't I just respect him and maybe leave it alone?

I would just try and keep a distance! I didn't need to touch him as much as I did! If I did that then he'd be fine and I would be okay being his friend without trying to turn it into anything more. He didn't need that pressure anyway, not in his state. In fact! I would probably be doing him a favour by keeping back a little- less to worry about for him.

So I didn't ask Feliciano what it meant when he was upset without yelling or getting mad at anyone. If I did it might worry him too! Both the Vargas brothers had enough to think about without me trying to look into this.

"It's nothing really!" I told him cheerfully, "He's just a strange guy! Why is he so angry all the time?"

"Angry?" Feliciano laughed, "That's just Lovino!"

I grinned, that was a close one... I didn't want to cause any trouble. I was here to make Lovino's life better and easier, not to complicate things!

I just wouldn't touch Lovino. Easy!

**.oO0Oo.**

I walked to the hospital that afternoon. It had gotten so suuny and pretty outside that I just felt like it would be a shame to not look around.

It was a good thing I did, not only did I see some really pretty flowers that I had never seen before and knew I had to get, but I noticed things that I didn't before... One of those things really caught my eye!

Though this town was small, surprisingly it had a university. It wasn't a big or well known university, but it was still a great thing for the town! Living near it for so long I had stopped paying attention to it- especially while I was driving. But since I was looking around, I spotted a huge banner over the universities entrance sign,

'University open day! 15 Days to Go!'

I read the banner a few times and tilted my head. An open day? Wasn't that when they opened their doors to possible students to let them see what the lectures were like and stuff?

Hmm...

Neither Feli or Lovi got a chance to even finish high school... They might find some of those taster lectures interesting! There was bound to be at least one they'd like, right? They were the right age too! Feli was eighteen, Lovi was nineteen. It was all perfect.

I headed inside the university building, immediately seeing the pamphlets for the open day sitting by the reception desk.

I smiled at the young guy at the desk, giving him a little wave as he looked up and followed me with his eyes as I went to scoop up a few pamphlets, looking through them. There was more than one with information about the open days... But some of them we wouldn't need.

I opened one, it had the dates which was good and I was also happy to see a schedule of all the lectures... There was plenty choice... Theatre Arts, Genetics, Woodwork, Russian History, even one on Farming! Surely one of the brothers at least would spy something they liked, right? Yeah, definitely.

"Excuse me?" A voice came from behind me.

"Hm?" I turned around in surprise and saw the guy at the desk was talking to me...Had he been watching me the whole time? I hoped I didn't unconsciously do something really embarrassing!

He scooted forward in his chair, "Those lectures are for students thinking of applying only. You look a little old to be starting university."

I was caught off guard by that... I didn't realise anyone would think to stop me, "Oh... No, it's okay!" I laughed. "These are for my little brothers!"

The words just slipped out! I didn't mean to claim Feliciano and Lovino Vargas as my brothers! I needed an excuse to take the pamphlets quickly! I should have just called them my friends, that wouldn't seem as strange and wouldn't be a lie... But it was too late. I smiled at the guy as he narrowed his eyes.

"Your brothers both want to join?" He asked. Uh oh, he sounded suspicious. Did I say it wrong?

I nodded, "There are still spaces in lectures, right?"

He leaned back in his chair, "Well, there's no limit to students in a lecture for now, but we would like to keep the numbers reasonable." He looked me in the eye then. Was he trying to hint that he knew I was lying? I wasn't getting these for anyone who wanted to apply to the university! But I didn't falter. Taking the Vargas brothers to something like this might have been a really good thing for them. Especially Feliciano. He was the one who I really think was destined for more than just life as a waiter.

Thankfully, I was allowed to leave with the pamphlets tucked safely into my pocket. This was great- even more good news for Lovino!

It would even make up for me running late!

**.oO0Oo.**

I had to ask for Lovi's new room number from a nurse. He never got to mentioning it over the week so I had no idea where he was now in the ward.

It was strange. When we first met I wasn't looking for him but rather found him and after that it was obvious which room was his. Now I had to search for him... It also made me sad.

Until now, the fact that Lovi was in a hospital didn't seem quite real. It was more like just a big house where he was forced to stay in. He had his own space, his room, and I didn't need to talk to any nurses or doctors so they all seemed like background shadows.

Now it all seemed very real... This wasn't anything like a home. It was cold and sharp.

Doctors and nurses were the most prominent people, not just the ones milling around us. People were here because they were sick. Lovino Vargas was sick.

On my way to his new room I passed the old one. The door was shut all the way. Lovi wasn't in there anymore, his stuff didn't cover the tables and it wasn't his room anymore... It looked exactly the same as all the other doors.

Though the walk to Lovi's new room was short, it was depressing... I guess I hadn't really accepted how impersonal this place was. It was just sad that this is where had had to stay, it was like he was on the surface of cold, flat glass. Never immersed in his surroundings, never feeling like he belonged.

I knocked on the door with the number I was given. I opened it slowly, a little worried by how quiet it was inside...

Slipping inside there was six beds, all neatly against the wall... I searched for Lovi and eventually spotted him at the other end of the room, he hadn't looked up at me, probably hadn't realised I had come in. He was lying back, and typing rapidly on his phone, he looked as if he was making a conscious effort to block out the others around him. I sighed, no matter how hard I tried; he just couldn't see this move as anything good.

I strode past the other beds, some of the other patients looking up to see me. One of the beds was empty and it was pretty clear that no one stayed in it. Another one was empty too, but it was unmade and a thick book lay on the bed, obviously someone stayed in it but they must have been out.

The one next to it had a small Chinese man. He wasn't old, but he was definitely older than me with long dark hair and quick eyes that looked up at me for just a second before continuing with his knitting in his lap. I smiled as I watched the needles move, what a great way to pass the time!

Opposite him there was a large, blonde guy. He was on his back sleeping, and lay scarily still. His light was styled in a way which was pretty wild! It was like a Mohawk!

Finally, opposite Lovi there was another blonde with the most amazing green eyes. His hair was long, down to his shoulders, and like Lovi, he seemed a little angry, even though there was nothing to be mad about... I wondered if he and Lovi would get along. The guy was flipping through a business magazine, occasionally tutting as he read.

"Hey there Lovi!" My voice seemed strangely loud in the quiet room and he finally looked up at me.

He wrinkled his nose, "You're damn late." He pointed out but still nodded to the chair by the bed.

I laughed lightly, taking a seat, "I'm sorry." I grinned, "I wanted to give you more time to settle in!"

If it was possible, his expression turned even more sour and he rolled his eyes, "Just tell me you brought it."

I nodded quickly and reached into my back pocket. Along with the pamphlets I had a piece of folded paper. I brought it out and showed Lovi, "Are you ready?"

He nodded quickly, "I've waited the whole damn week! Give it to me."

I was barely halfway to handing it over when he snatched it and started to unfold the paper- there it was! The bucket list in Lovi's neat handwriting... I started to fill with excitement. We had saved this moment for today, and even though it didn't seem like much, ticking off an item was a huge deal to us!

"Do you have a pen?" I asked; I had forgotten to bring one.

He nodded and reached to the table by the bed, fumbling around and lifting a Sudoku book to grab a blue ball point. I rubbed my hands together, eagerly watching as he took the pen lid off with his teeth and grabbed the Sudoku book, using it to lean on.

He certainly didn't waste time! Before I could even say encouraging words he had drawn a huge cross through 'learn to swim'. It was done!

I raised my arms in a cheer, "Ta da!" I exclaimed with a happy laugh, "Lovi! We've done it!"

He didn't reply... I lowered my arms. I didn't understand... Was he upset?

That's when I noticed the small smile on his lips. Tiny and gentle... But it was definitely there. That made me smile too... It meant he really was happy! That was all I needed to see.

I was halfway to reaching out and pulling him in for a celebratory hug when I stopped myself. I had to stop doing that. I froze and slowly drew back, hoping he didn't notice.

He sighed and leaned back, "Guess this just means I'm getting closer to death."

"Lovi..." I knitted my brow together, "That's no way to look at it. This is a great achievement!" I raised a finger before he could try and reply, "And I have more good news."

He raised an eyebrow in question, "What?"

I grinned, "I spoke to some friends a while ago, I've actually got two more items all planned!"

He looked surprised and I laughed, I hadn't mentioned working on the bucket list past the swimming lessons at all!

"The hot air balloon trip and the night out is all set!" I wanted to touch him so badly, just take his hand excitedly but I forced myself to hold back, "I don't remember the dates, but we're doing it! For sure!"

He blinked a few times and looked at the bucket list in his lap, "It's all happening so fucking fast..."

I sighed, but what I was certain was going to become a tender moment was interrupted,

"You!"

I jerked my head up to see it was the Chinese man shouting over at us, "Watch your mouth!" He shouted over

I was about to apologise for Lovi's language but I was too late, he had jumped in, "Piss off!" Lovi shouted back over abrasively, "We're trying to have a damn conversation!"

The Chinese man shot an icey look over at us both, "Insolent little brat."

"Lovi, wait!" I cried out, it looked like Lovi was about to get out his bed and square up for a fight!

Luckily (or not) Lovi settled for flipping the Chinese man off, "Fuck off."

He said this just in time for a nurse to enter, "Language, Mr. Vargas." She said firmly as she went to the bed of the large blonde guy who had been woken by the commotion and was now looking around the room darkly.

Lovi made a frustrated growl before looking at me with a pained expression, "You have to get me out of here."

I frowned, "Out? What do you mean?"

He rolled his eyes as if it should have been totally obvious, "Take me somewhere! I don't give a shit where!"

"Lovino, language!" The nurse said again, this time sounding more irritated. Lovi glared at her back and stuck his tongue out at her.

"I can't stand it in here." He told me seriously, "I don't care where we go, just _please_."

Well he never usually said please... He must have really wanted out.

I decided to relent, "We can see what's on at the movie theatre?"

He threw his covers off himself, "Fine. Get lost for a minute; I'm putting on clothes in the bathroom."


	19. Chapter 19

_A/N: Hey! That's right, it's only Monday, but I'm away all day tomorrow so thought I'd sneak this in before I went. Also, I have to miss a week again (I'm sorry) because I'll still be gone and won't be able to write : _

_Anyway, second announcement- I would love to say a big thank you to reviewing-fanfictions dot tumblr dot com for reviewing my fic! It makes me so happy when people write things like that about my stuff. It's also fun to see my fics mentioned out side of , y'know? I recommend you guys to go read it and support the author of the review._

_Next up- The movie these two go see in this chapter is a real book (not been turned into a movie as far as I know though...) and it truly is one of my favourite books. If any of you like reading and want something classic but not hard to read and a book with genuinely engaging characters I seriously would tell you to go read it. It's by Haruki Murakami._

_Thanks for reading as always and remember to review!_

**Chapter Eighteen**

**Norwegian Wood**

We left the hospital in silence, without even trying to start a conversation. Lovi seemed to be in a _really_ bad mood. Like, foul even for him! But at least I could usher him out of the automatic doors knowing that this time it wasn't my fault.

He was the first of us to speak as we got out and into the parking lot, "Where the hell is your car?" He squinted around, looking for the rust and yellow among all the sleek other shiny cars.

I laughed, suddenly worried that a ten minute walk to the movie theatre might not help his mood, "Actually... It's not here, I walked."

He gave a long heavy sigh and I laughed again, "Aw, come on, Lovi!" I tried, "It'll be nice!" I walked in front of him and threw out my arms, "Look how sunny it is!"

Lovi just grumbled and rolled his eyes but walked on, shoving me in the chest as he passed me, making me stumble to the side, "Whatever, let's just go. I'm so sick of his goddamn hospital!"

I smiled gently as I matched his pace, the two of us leaving the car park and Lovi was finally able to breathe easy as we turned a corner and let the hospital leave our sight.

"So you really don't like it, huh?" I asked, even though I knew the answer.

He snorted, "Take a fucking guess. I'm in with fucking freaks!"

I frowned, "That doesn't sound like the right attitude."

He groaned loudly, "Ugh, just shut the fuck up!" Even though he was yelling I couldn't help but grin, such a loud boy... "I've already heard that crap a billion times! 'These people could be your friends'" He mimicked in an unnaturally high voice that was obviously based off of one of his nurses, "It's not like I can do that when they're all jerks!"

"Well..." I tried, "How about you tell me about them?"

He blew a raspberry, shooting down my suggestion, "Fuck off, I don't wanna talk about it."

We walked on in silence. I didn't need to say anything, I just smiled knowingly.

Three...

Two...

One...

"First off there's that Swiss dipshit opposite me!" Ah... There it was, "Vash or some dumb name like that, and he's a freaking know it all! Acting so high and mighty because he reads the business magazines and was some big account before he got sick... It's so damn annoying!" He made a kind of growling noise, "Then there's some stoner beside me who barely even speaks and just looks at you all judgy and makes me wanna punch him but I can't because he's huge!"

I laughed, "He looked cool!" I assumed Lovi meant the sleeping guy, "He didn't look like he wanted to cause trouble..."

He laughed dryly, "His face causes me trouble, dammit! He's not even as bad as that Chinese guy. Ugh. Just _ugh_." I watched with amusement as he narrowed his eyes, "He's so old, he's like, thirty!" Lovi wrinkled his nose, "But he makes such a huge fucking deal, mouthing off about 'bratty young people', so since I'm the youngest he just nitpicks me like a little fucking bitch! You heard him yelling over like that!"

I shook my head, grinning to myself, "What about the other guy?" I thought back to the bed that was empty but clearly used, "He was away when I came?"

Lovi seemed to freeze then, his fiery rant stopped and he only scowled at the ground as we walked.

"Well?" I asked. He was being so cruel about those poor people, and I wasn't helping by asking questions... But I couldn't help but smile as I listened to him! It was because it was him, he was acting his normal aggravated self and I could relax knowing that things between us were okay.

He seemed to actually shudder as we walked, "He's a piece of work."

I raised my eyebrows, intrigued, "Oh really? What's his name? What's so bad?"

Lovi pushed his hair back; he looked genuinely stressed, "He's called Ivan. He's this Russian guy and he's so damn scary that I seriously don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight."

I widened my eyes, "Scary? Is he a gangster?"

Lovi shrugged, "Wouldn't be surprised if he was breaking people's fingers for the Russian Mafia or something."

I gasped and put a hand to my mouth, "You think? Lovi that sounds serious!"

He shrugged again, "Well I've got nothing to go on for that, but he's so creepy dammit! He's like one of those fucked up kids in movies who stand staring at the end of the hallway with a kiddie laugh and old fashioned teddy bear!"

"Have you talked to him?"

Lovi shook his head quickly, "No fucking way. He spoke to me this morning and it creeped me out so damn much. He's even got this great big stalker crush on the Chinese guy next to him."

That got me to smile, "A crush! Oh Lovi, that's so cute! But how can you tell?" He had only been with these guys since this morning after all.

"Pfft." He responded, "As if he doesn't make it painfully obvious. Wanna know what makes it worse? The Chinese guy actually likes him back and it's just gross."

I frowned as we turned the corner onto the street the theatre was on, "You shouldn't say that about two people liking each other... You should be happy! It's sweet."

Francis was the one who made me see how lovely romance was since he was such a huge romantic himself. I was actually really glad he did, the world seemed a lot brighter once I realised how often people can meet and fall in love.

He wrinkled his nose, "Those two are _not_ sweet." He nodded at the theatre doors, they were covered in posters for the current films, "Let's just choose something so I can forget about this crap.

I chuckled but did as he said and didn't reply. Instead I too turned to the posters to look at what was on.

We studied the posters very carefully- neither of us were too informed as to what was good, what was bad, what the big blockbusters were, and what the small productions were. Neither of us had paid attention for so long... These posters were all we had to go on!

We stood side by side and did this carefully for at least five minutes. We didn't just read the titles, we looked at the pictures. Were the characters shown laughing or did they look pained? Were their bright colours or was it all centred around certain hue? How about the font for the title? Big goofy letters or sophisticated and swirly?

"That one?" Lovi suggested at last. I followed his finger to the one he was pointing at and my blood chilled a little.

"No! No way!" I started to shake my head, "I'm sorry Lovi, I can't!"

"What?" He looked between me and the poster which was a picture of a grey bathroom, it was a mess with toilet tissue littered everywhere, chipped tiles... Everything! The view point looked like I was from a security camera watching a woman who was curled up on the toilet seat, looking at the floor with her hands over her ears. In front of her there was a little girl in a bloodied night gown with messy hair, looking over the poor lady with a kitchen knife hanging from her limp hand. In an ominous dark font the title above it all said 'When the Dead Speak'.

I looked at him feeling a little betrayed, "You just said you didn't the creepy kids in movies!"

He shrugged, "Yeah, but this looks like crap. It'll be funny. Besides," He punched me in the shoulder, "It's not real, dumbass."

I knitted my brow together, "I still can't watch it- it's too scary! Please let us see something else!"

He gave a deep sigh and swooped his arm across the posters, "Well what the fuck do you suggest?"

I bit my lip, tilting my head, "Well there's..."

"No." He said before I could even make my suggestion.

"Hey!" I cried out, "I didn't even say one yet."

He looked at me, he looked seriously unimpressed, "Yeah but I saw the way your eyes lit the fuck up at that dumb romcom and I wanted to save time."

I laughed loudly-he got me there! "It might be fun! It looks like a feel good thing, y'know?"

"The one I picked was supposed to be fun too, but you're just a fucking wuss!"

I frowned at that, "Your one looks awfully scary..." I looked back at the posters, my eyes landing on what looked like a popular action thriller, "What about that one? It looks okay, right?"

He sighed and leaned in for a closer look, hey, at least he didn't immediately reject it!

"Maybe." He sounded as indifferent as the dramatic Lovino Vargas could be, "Looks predictable."

I covered my face with my hands, I was exasperated, "You really won't be happy with any of the others?"

"I can't help it if they all look like crap!"

I looked up, good thing I did because I spotted one poster that seemed to have been hidden. It was tucked away in a corner and was about half the size of all the others...

"I know that one!" I exclaimed and jumped forward peering in at the poster, "I can't believe they made this a movie! I never even realised!"

Lovi behind me narrowed his eyes and craned his neck, wondering what I was suddenly so taken by, "Which one?"

"This one!" I jabbed my finger onto the glass, "Norwegian Wood! I read the book when I was your age, it was really beautiful. We need to see it!"

He looked sceptical, "Wait, what the hell is it about?"

"It's..." I tried to begin to explain but quickly found I couldn't, "It's a tricky thing to explain. But I think you might like it, Lovi. It's just about life and how it works out but the book was done so well! I hope this does it justice."

He shoved his hands in his pockets, "Looks low budget."

I sighed, maybe I would have to come back another time to see this alone, "It probably is... But that's how it should be."

There was a tense pause. He was thinking about it...

"Fine." He finally said plainly.

I gasped, "Really!?" Did Lovino actually agree to one of my ideas with such little explanation It was a miracle...

Or maybe he had come to trust me...

Doing my best not to breach his trust by touching him and upsetting him, I ushered Lovi inside the warm theatre.

"There might not even be any viewings today, jeeze." He sulked but I was in such a good mood that I didn't listen to his grumpiness. He had gone with my idea!

Even though he was right to think that, we were in luck! My spirits leapt as I bought two tickets for a viewing that started in only twenty minutes!

"You want any snacks?" I asked him as I met him in the lobby, leaving the box office desk.

He stuck his tongue out in disgust, "Sugary crap? Gross."

I frowned as I looked at the choice of snacks behind him, "But Lovi... I thought this sweet stuff would be right up your street?"

He simply grabbed my arm and took me towards the ticket collector, "Yeah, _Italian_ sweets. Not some shit that will leave my mouth feeling like something fucking _died_ in there."

I laughed. Actually I couldn't disagree... One thing the both of us seemed to have in common was a preference for European sweets...I guess that couldn't be helped, the both of us were just used to a certain standard.

To my surprise, the screen our movie was in was already open and the two of us were sent off to find it. When we kept walking and walking I got a little worried... All the screens got smaller as we passed auditoriums with fewer and fewer seats...

Eventually we did find our screen, it was third from the end, down with all movie showings that were outdated blockbusters that were nearing the end of their run, or the movies that were flops, or the ones that probably should have been straight to DVD...

This wasn't gonna be bad was it? I didn't want to ruin one of my favourite books with a really bad movie version!

Trying to shake off this anxiety, Lovi and I picked seats in the auditorium... It wasn't _empty_... There was one more couple, a middle aged couple who had their heads bowed towards each other to whisper even though there was barely anyone to hear.

"What a freaking sellout." Lovi remarked dryly as he sat down heavily, slouching in his seat, his arms folded.

Uh oh... What if he didn't have a good time? He only had me to blame! And if he didn't like this he would _definitely _want to blame someone.

I smiled, hoping I could raise his hopes a little (and mine) "This is good!" I claimed, "I like this, it's intimate... Trust me, for this movie it'll be better this way."

"It better not just be depressing."

I tilted my head, thinking about this, "No..." I said after a long pause, "No, it's not depressing per say... But it makes you feel a little... Well the book did anyway; it made me feel pretty..." I gave up trying to explain, "You'll see."

The ads started then. We sat through advert after advert for cars (Lovi nudged me at those ones, I wasn't sure why), breakfast cereals, supermarkets, the local train service, and of course, for other movies.

But finally it started! The moment it began with a wide shot of Tokyo in silence I knew this was gonna be everything I wanted it to be. The atmosphere was just right, and I knew that whoever made this loved the book, just like I did. I wondered if Lovi could hear my sigh of relief...

It was around ten minutes in, I was totally taken in by the movie, when something kinda weird happened...

Weird didn't mean bad, though! No way!

Lovi put his hand on top of mine.

At first I sure he had made a mistake, we did have to share one small armrest after all. Maybe he was so busy watching the movie that he didn't realise his hand was on mine...

But it didn't feel accidental.

I mean, wouldn't he have felt my body heat? Besides, was there even a reason to move his hand like that?

What got me was that I had no idea why he would do such a thing! The movie wasn't scary... And it wasn't too sad yet... Did he feel ill? But I was sure that he would have said something if he did!

I bit my lip; it sure was a puzzle...

I tried twitching my finger. Just a little to see what would happen... Maybe he would realise what he was doing and stop. I gave a tiny movement, I didn't want to look like I was trying to shake it off...

He stayed right where he was! His hand on mine... That could only have meant that his hand was supposed to be there!

I felt something well up in my throat that I couldn't place. All I wanted was to take his hand and interlock his fingers with mine. We should have been holding hands properly! Our palms pressed together... My thumb slowly stroking his...

But wait- I said I wouldn't touch him...

I swallowed hard; I couldn't break that promise... Certainly not so soon after I made it.

Gosh... I didn't know what to do with myself. How could I pass up this opportunity?! I felt so close to him! This wasn't fair! It just wasn't fair...

I loved him so much...

I closed my eyes for a moment and exhaled heavily. What happened the last time I got too close was still so fresh in my memory. If I really loved him I couldn't hurt him like that.

So before I even had a chance to convince myself that holding his hand was a good idea, I pulled away from the contact. I winced as I heard his hand land on the padded arm rest as I whipped mine from under it. Both my hands were on my legs now, safe and out of the way!

I shuffled closer in my seat to the screen. Thanks to my moment there I had missed out on a little dialogue and had to catch up!

Or maybe that was just an excuse so that I didn't have to look at Lovi's reaction as I took my hand away from his...

Yet, if that was true, it didn't work. I still saw him stiffen up beside me out of the corner of my eye, taking his own hand away from the arm rest like it had been burned. I still saw how he bit down on his lip and clenched his fists, suddenly turning his head so I wouldn't see his face...

But I did the right thing- I was convinced not touching him was the way forward! No matter how much I wanted to hold him!

With the image of Lovino wrapped up in my arms, his face with that tiny kissable nose pressed to my neck, I settled back into the movie.

**.oO0Oo.**

I was dedicated to the book of course, but as the movie production of 'Norwegian Wood' came to its final scenes I knew that my standards had been met.

It was atmospheric, intricate, complex! Everything the book had been to me. Obviously the book had hit me harder... But that was something only a book could do.

I hadn't looked over to Lovi since the touching incident... I was a little worried that he might have been angry with me, but when it came to his reaction to the movie, I had to sneak a peek!

I tried to be as subtle as I could be, but I found after a second that I didn't need to. I could have stared at him as much as I wanted and he still wouldn't notice! He was totally immersed in the movie... I blinked a few times in surprise. I expected him to like it but this was a whole other level.

He was transfixed... Barely even blinking.

"Oh..." I whispered, not meaning for the sound to come out. There was one tear on his cheek... I wasn't even sure if he realised it was there.

I looked up at the screen. I always found this story a little sad but not even the book made me cry... It made me feel alone, alienated and chilled but I had never cried...

Was this too much for him?

Before I even realised what was happening the lights came up. I was still looking at him in surprise as he was released from his trance and quickly wiped his tear away, clearing his throat and sniffing as he stood up.

"Lovi..." I began, but he quickly spoke instead.

"You said you read the book. Do you still have it?"

I raised my eyebrows. Was this the bit when he asked why on earth I would take him to see such a movie when I knew how much I could affect people? I still nodded.

"Yeah!" I tried to seem cheerful... What if he wanted to burn it or something?! I couldn't let that happen!

He wasn't looking at me, he was gazing at the screen as the credits continued to roll, "I want you to give it to me to read."

He said it in such a flat tone that it took me a moment to realise he actually said something positive.

I was so surprised that I stood up, "Read it?! Really?" I was so happy that I let out a laugh, "You liked it?"

He gave a sullen nod, "...Yeah." He sighed and that small smile came back, "I want to read it... And the guy who wrote it, I wanna read everything he's done."

I grinned, good thing I happened to own most of Murakami's work, "I'm so glad you liked it! I'll give you the book on my visit... I'll look it out when I get home!"

He rolled his eyes and shoved me, ushering me out towards the aisle, "Calm down, you're getting too damn excited."

I laughed, barely able to contain myself, "I'm just so glad we get to share something...!"

He just grabbed my arm and pulled me along.

By the time were out of the theatre it was almost dark. Lovi and I were quietly peaceful as we headed back to hospital. I took his lack of protesting as a good sign as we walked... Maybe he was still thinking about the movie.

"By the way..." We were nearly back and I felt there was one more thing I had to say... A kind of prewarning, "Feliciano is coming to see you tomorrow right?"

"Yeah. You gave him the fucking day off, you should know."

I nodded... How exactly did I do this without ruining any surprises? "See, when he shows up..."I started, "There's gonna be a shock for you."

He turned his face towards me, he didn't look amused, "This doesn't sound good."

I gave a small laugh, "Well, neither of us are sure how you'll take it!" I admitted, "But whatever happens, please try and stay calm, okay?"

He narrowed his eyes cynically, "This sounds like a _real_ shitstorm."

I shrugged, "You probably won't like it. But trust me; your little brother knows what's best for him."

As we made it to the hospital doors he folded his arms, "I've got a bad feeling. Now piss off before you can worry me more."

I gave a small smile at how blunt he was, "Okay, okay... Have a nice night Lovi."

I turned and went then, ready to leave him to find his own way back to his room.

"Wait!" He shouted before I could even take twenty steps.

I turned around in confusion. He was still standing in the doorway, his face flushed.

"Lovi?" I asked, but I didn't get an answer. Instead I got him running over faster than I had ever seen him go... He crashed into me at his top speed and his arms were around me. He made a long frustrated sound as he squeezed me tightly, his face against my chest.

Then he ran away.


	20. Chapter 20

_A/N: I'm so sorry this is so much later than I promised! If you didn't know there was a big site maintenance/power outage/whatever thing and a lot of people couldn't access their accounts (including me). Were any of you guys effected? _

_Anyway, now I'm back from short hiatus #2 and can now say I'm not going anywhere any time soon so you can expect regular updates to return to the Mushrooms of Gold account!_

_Kudos to anyone who recognises where I got this chapters title from._

_Phew- Thanks for reading!_

**Chapter Nine-teen**

**You're a Germ**

**LOVINO'S P.O.V**

By the time I got to bed I was shaking.

What the fuck was I thinking just grabbing 'Tonio like that?! The bastard takes me out to see one movie and I get all damn emotional like that, what the hell?

I didn't speak to any of the others when I made it back in. The whole trip up in the elevator I felt like I might puke, I seriously didn't even think I would make the walk down the hall and back into the damn hell hole. It was like the whole world was watery and whatever I tried to see or touch would be slipping around like crazy.

I tried to put it down to my head- it acts up like a bitch sometimes but I knew somewhere in me that I was my moment of stupidity that got me like this. Yao, that bitchy old fart in the other bed yelled something as I slammed the bathroom door as I went to change into pyjamas but right then I didn't give two shits, besides; fuck me if I could even process what he was moaning about.

I sat down on the toilet seat and put my head in my hands, squeezing my thinning hair so hard that I could feel the roots being tugged at. Why the hell did I do that?!

I took a deep breath and sat up; the stress was getting to me. I could feel a lump in my throat. Yeah, I cried when I was stressed, what of it? But no way was I going back in there with those four dipshits with red puffy eyes, it would be humiliating. I needed to think clearly dammit!

I leaned over the sink and stared at my face. The only reason why I would have even considered grabbing onto 'Tonio like that was because of that movie.

I swallowed- that was it. I was just grateful that he showed me the movie. He knew how much it hit me, I demanded to read the fucking book for crying out loud, I was just thanking him for actually getting something right for once.

I took another deep breath, having the explanation was already helping. I wasn't scared that I was gonna cry anymore so that explanation must have been reasonable.

Fuck, but I also tried to hold his—

No, I didn't want to go there. It was nothing, it meant nothing. How could it have? He was acting like my tumour was contagious the way he swiped his hand away.

His rejection then meant nothing too. Neither did the way it made me feel like there were rocks in my chest.

It was all such bullshit.

I fixed my eyes on their reflection for a few more moments, focusing on breathing right before I changed into my pyjamas. Fuck freaking out about grabbing him, what the hell was that cryptic message he decided to just drop on me about Feli's visit?

It was probably some random crap. Feli texted me big news. He said it was to 'keep me in the loop' but half the stuff I got from him was totally uninteresting to me anyway. This would just be like that. 'Tonio liked to make everything this big event; this would just be like that.

I spent way too much time thinking about that jerk.

**.oO0Oo.**

I had no idea what the guy who came up with communal rooms in hospitals was thinking. There were absolutely _no fucking perks_ to this. Zilch. None.

It wasn't even nine am and I was already pissed off. Vash the Swiss guy who thought he was the real crème de la fucking crème was lecturing us on some crap to do with the economy. I probably would have just put on music and blocked him out but he was so damn loud! All because the big Dutch weirdo made a comment about how expensive food was. This was like the second time he had actually opened his mouth and he had already fucked up!

At least Yao had shut up. He was obviously pissed that the preaching was almost being yelled at us too but he was just giving his knitting a foul look. Ivan was the one who was actually actively irritating me. He was all nodding and shit, acting all interesting with that creepy little smile when he probably knew what Vash was going on about as much as we did.

I pressed my pillow against my face as that loud voice went on and on about supply and demand or something. Maybe if I smothered myself I wouldn't have to hear him.

"Lovino?"

A familiar voice came from the other end of the room. I sat up quickly, just in time for Vash to shut up suddenly and narrow his eyes as he looked towards the doorway suspiciously.

I turned to see Feli in the doorway. He hadn't actually come in yet, probably because I was hiding under my pillow so he had no idea if he had actually got the right room. He smiled when he spotted me but still looked uneasy. I knew exactly why. These pieces of shit were staring at him like he was a fucking alien in total silence.

I tutted and threw my covers off of me, "What?" I addressed them all venomously, "Don't act like you've never had freaking visitors before!" I slipped some shoes on and stormed over to the doorway. I didn't want to talk to Feli in here anyway, these creeps would probably just interrupt like they did with 'Tonio.

"Come on." I breezed right past Feli, I was gonna be in a pissy mood until we were well away from that room. I started to storm down the hall; I was taking him to the courtyard. I figured I would hang out there a lot more often now that I didn't even have my own room.

The courtyard was mostly for the kids who were stuck here and needed a place to feel at home a little, but really every one could use it. It was the only part of the hospital that I could actually relax a little in. It had a few benches and grass with a peach tree and few flower beds. Mostly it was full of kids and their parents but these kids weren't fucking brats like the ones outside the hospital. I got some of these kids, I never spoke to them, but they were alright.

"Lovino!?" I was speeding down the hall as I hear my brother call after me. I sighed, why wasn't he following me?

"Hurry the fu-" I started, turning on my heels to face him again but I stopped dead when I took a good look at him, "Fuck no."

My blood ran cold; I wasn't even looking at Feli anymore but at the big hulking guy behind him.

"Lovino..." Feli took a few steps closer to me hesitantly, "You remember Ludwig right?"

I didn't let myself get closer. What the fuck was this supposed to be?!

"You have to be fucking kidding me right now." my voice was dry and sharp. I swallowed hard, "Why the hell are you with that jerk?!"

Feliciano flinched like I called _him_ the jerk. The fuck?

"Lovi please don't get upset!" Feliciano took Ludwig's hand. I wrinkled my nose, "I came to introduce you guys... Lovi, Ludwig is my boyfriend now..."

I narrowed my eyes, "Does Antonio know about this?"

Feli nodded, "He's really happy about it."

I tensed up, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. 'Tonio was meant to be on my side! I looked at Ludwig . Just the site of him pissed me off, "I wanna kick your damn ass." I muttered darkly.

"Lovi please!" Feliciano looked like he was freaking out, "Come on, let's talk about all this!"

I scowled at them both, "about what?! That you've decided to go out with a dick?!

"Calm dow-"

Feli started but I was gone. I turned and left them both standing there. They could both get lost. Why the hell was Feli acting so stupid? Ludwig was definitely bad news.

I pulled my phone out from my pocket as I walked, unlocking it and aggressively scrolled through my contacts there was someone else I needed to talk to about this.

I jabbed on Antonio's name. I was holding the phone so fucking tightly that I felt like it was about to crumble in my grip. It was like there was a fire in my throat. The other end was still ringing by the time I finally made in to the courtyard and sat on a bench. Finally the ringing stopped, I opened my mouth to yell something at him, but the sound that came down the line wasn't what I expected.

"Hello, the person you're trying to call isn't around right now. Please call back later or leave a message after the-"

I didn't wait for that dumb mechanical voice to finish. He wasn't even answering my calls. I pulled the phone away from my ear and glared at it for a moment, looking at his insanely cheerful face in the contact photo. I opened our text message conversation and tapped to start typing, he wasn't just getting away from this shit!

My breathing was heavy, I hadn't even written anything, my eyes just kept being drawn to the last message he sent. Some gross sappy thing about being excited to see me. He had sent it two days ago in response to a picture I sent him of some poor sucker's suppositories I saw when I was left alone in the nurses office. I had been taken in there to talk about some gross new drug they put me on to try and calm me down- looks like that drug was doing fuck all for me now.

What the fuck did I even want to say to him?

Godammit! If he had answered his phone I was bound to have some crap to give him! Why the hell was I sitting here with nothing coming to me!? It was his fault my bother decided to let that gross German guy to creep all over him! I bet it was all his fault!

I stood up for a moment, growling in frustration as I downright _smacked_ my phone onto the grass in front of me. I let myself fall back onto the bench as it gave a single bounce before landing with a thump.

I sat back staring at it in contempt. Why the hell did Antonio have to be so nice to everyone!? Why couldn't I have someone who just wanted to side with _me_ for once?!

I looked out across the courtyard. For such a nice day it was pretty quiet. One other lady was there with a little bundle of blankets. Probably a newborn.

I sighed, looking over at her, she wasn't looking back. Why even in a hospital where doom and gloom was the norm did I have the notion that life had to be beautiful shoved down my throat?

Antonio should have seen that Ludwig was a big perv. Probably after Feli's ass and knew Feli was too much of a naive dope to notice.

I sat solemnly as I watched the lady and her kid, she sure looked happy to see the tiny thing that pretty much forced its way out of her.

I stopped watching when I sensed a presence next to me. I looked up quickly to see it was Feliciano on his way over with a nervous smile. This time he was alone.

"Where the hell did he piss off to?" I asked grouchily. Anyone else would have taken my attitude as a sign that I still needed to cool down, but not Feli. He knew that this was as good as it was gonna get.

"He went to the hospital cafe for a while... I figured that you didn't want to see him right now."

"No shit Sherlock."

He sighed, "He's really confused. Why don't you like him, Lovi? He looks really scary! But actually he's very nice to me!"

I raised an eyebrow, "Have you even seen him? He looks like a creep!"

Feliciano looked offended at the comment but didn't get the chance to say anything because suddenly music started to play from where my phone was lying on the grass.

Feli straightened up, startled, "What's that?!" He looked around with wide eyed like a lost meercat or some shit. He spotted the source of the noise, "Is that your phone?"

"It's nothing." I knew who was calling me, it was obviously Antonio, but I didn't want to answer anymore.

"Why is it all the way over there?" Feli was up off the bench and on the grass now, he picked up the phone and looked at me in surprise, "It's Toni' calling! You should answer!"

"Leave it alone!" I snapped and leaned forward enough to snatch the phone away pulling it out of his reach, "I told you it's nothing!"

I shoved the phone in my pocket and folded my arms... Maybe I did want to speak to Antonio a little. But not in front of Feliciano. Not in front of anyone... I didn't want to yell at him so much either.

There was silence. I could hear the lady at the other side of the courtyard laughing happily.

"He's really a great guy, Lovi..." Feliciano was trying again, "I think he's good for me, I promise."

I closed my eyes for a moment. What was with this? Feli was never usually so stubborn. When we were kids he was totally cool with being ordered around.

"When did you start to like him?" I asked. This was it. I wasn't changing anyone's mind any time soon so I might as well reassure myself or something.

"Hmm..." I could hear Feli's smile in his voice, "Probably when I first spoke to him! You know he was so scary looking at first, but I had to take his order because everyone else was busy... I was shaking when I first approached him and he seemed in a really bad mood... He didn't even order something that was on the menu! But I was so scared of him that I made what he wanted especially for him."

I raised one eyebrow, "You pretty much pissed yourself? Fuck, how romantic."

He laughed loudly and lay back on the grass, "I haven't finished the story! When I came back he had calmed down... He was really nice; I think he felt bad for being snappy at me. He was so sweet and I noticed how amazingly handsome he was. He's so big and strong, with those blue eyes..." Feliciano was in fucking dreamland.

"What does he do?" If this guy was a deadbeat I'd be even more mad.

"Hm?" Feli's face lit up, "He's a lawyer!"

That took me by surprised, "What?" I blinked, a lawyer was pretty big, "That big hulk!?" Someone had to be kidding me here!

"He's not a hulk!" Feliciano protested, "He just works out a lot... I think that muscles are hot!"

I was too distracted by the fact that Feliciano was suddenly dating a fucking lawyer to notice that second comment, "What the fuck!?"

Feliciano laughed, "He doesn't look like one! But he's really good!"

I pressed my lips together tightly for a moment, "So he defends child molesters and shit?" I knew there had to be a downside to this.

Feliciano looked at me in horror, "What? Lovi, no!" He knitted his brow together, "How could you say that?! He does injury compensation!"

I wrinkled my nose, "Sounds boring."

It was weird. Feli knew me who was in hospital because I was getting worse and knew Ludwig who went into hospital because he was seeing people get better.

At least he got a balance.

"Please don't kick his butt."

I half choked and half snorted, I didn't know if I should have been flattered or just fucking shocked that Feliciano actually thought I could actually kicked that son of a bitch's ass. He was four times the damn size of me!

I sighed heavily and glared out cross the courtyard. That lady was gone and took her baby with her. Now it was pretty much silent except the breeze in the bushes.

I hated giving in to stuff I didn't want to, but I knew that if I didn't try to shut up and accept it I would still be bitching and angry when I died. And after that, what the hell could I do about it?

"Don't let him push you around." My voice was clear, "If that bastard treats you like you're anything else but perfect ditch him, got it!?"

His eyes were wide in surprise but Feliciano nodded quickly.

"You're more than a fuck." I went on, "And even when I'm not around that doesn't mean you can just start letting him act like your nothing but a sweet piece of ass."

Blushing darkly, Feli looked down, "Okay." He squeaked before taking a deep breath, "M-Maybe you guys can get lunch together some-"

"No." That suggestion made me wanna barf.

"But-"

"I don't have to actually like him!" Hell, I was never liking that dick, "I don't want to freaking deal with him!"

Feli blinked a few times, he was a pretty slow kid, before smiling and throwing his arms around me, "I love you so much, _fratello_! Thank you!"

"Yeah, yeah..." Dammit, my mouth was twisted as I tried not to smile, "You don't have to fucking throw yourself on me." But even as said this I hugged him back, ruffling his hair a little.

"Oh! I almost forgot!" Suddenly Feliciano pulled back and grabbed his bag from where he had placed it beside the bench, "Antonio was actually waiting outside the hospital."

"'Tonio?" I repeated. What the hell? He hadn't come to see me... "He didn't come in?"

Feliciano looked up at me, "... No..." He tilted his head, "We asked if he wanted to see you but he said no. He seemed a little nervous!"

I bit my lip. That was because of me, wasn't it? Shit... I had acted like a creep.

"What happened between you two?"

The question caught me off guard, my answer came out sounding too fast and stupid, "Nothing!" I barked, images flicked though my mind of trying to hold his hand and his rejection.

"Did you have a fight?"

I puffed up my chest, "Nothing! He probably just didn't have time! What did he give you, hurry the fuck up."

Feli looked back to the bag on his lap and quickly pulled out two things. The first was a book, "He said you asked for this." The slim novel was passed to me. I knew what it was without looking but my eyes were still drawn.

Norwegian Wood, in its original matted cover book form. It was pristine; I had a hard time believing that it had even come in contact with Antonio. The spine wasn't creased and the pages weren't folded... It was kinda like his garden in the way it just seemed untouched.

Maybe Antonio didn't like to tamper too much with what he really loved.

His favourite books.

His garden.

Lovino Vargas.

Ha, as if.

"Yeah." I nodded as I flicked through the pages, the musty smell off of them was the only thing that really gave away that it wasn't brand new.

"This too!" Feliciano spoke again and handed something else over, "He gave me one too. It's the university open day coming up and he thought we could see some taster lectures together! It sounds like so much fun..."

I took the pamphlet he held out and slowly opened it. There were so many damn subjects on here but I already knew what one Feli would chose. 'Fine art' obviously.

"Pick one or two!" Feli stood up when he realised I wasn't replying, "I need to find Ludwig, but I can come back."

I shook my head, "Nah." I shoved the pamphlet in the book cover, "Go do whatever gross stuff you do. I'm gonna read out here."

I wasn't surprised when Feli looked confused, I wasn't a big reader. But after having glanced at the book on my lap he seemed to get it.

He left and I sat in silence for a while thinking about how the hell I managed to scare even Antonio off. With any luck he would pretend it never happened later.

That's what I was doing for sure.

I opened the book carefully and let it all slip under the rug.


	21. Chapter 21

_A/N: Hey guys! This chapter is a little short but I just moved out of my house so things have been pretty hectic... I'm in university now (Edinburgh Napier if anyone is interested ;)))) )_

_Thanks for reading- please review_

_P.S- This is part one of many so expect the weekend to go on for a while..._

**Chapter Twenty**

**Where Did the Party Go? – Part One**

"Are you ready Lovi?"

I could barely keep the smile off my face as Lovino shoved his night bag into the back of the car and sat in the passenger seat. He seemed far less disgruntled than usual! We were both bursting with excitement!

Just over a week had passed since I had taken Lovi out to that movie and just a few days after my phone call with Gilbert to confirm a date for Lovi and to visit him and Francis to get another one of those bucket list items checked off for good!

I had closed the cafe for the weekend, filled out the paperwork needed to take Lovino out of hospital for a few nights and got him and me both to pack a bag.

Now the only thing that lay between us and a weekend on the town was a trip on the train- I didn't think I would survive if we drove, the trip home would be murder if I was hungover! Besides I liked the train, it was relaxing, mostly because I didn't need to focus.

"Good thing I don't have to spend three hours in this piece of shit." He told me as he scanned the car as he always did, "I'd probably catch something."

I laughed as I buckled up, "Lovi have you ever been on a train?"

There was a moment silence before he punched me on the arm, "The fuck kind of question is that!? I'm almost twenty dammit!"

I smiled; his punches couldn't bring me down today! "Don't you love it?" I knew I was asking silly questions, but I was giddy!

He shrugged, "Better than a drive in this thing, that's for sure."

I had my hands on the wheels and took a deep sigh, looking over to him... Why did I have to find him so perfect? It was really gonna drive me crazy...

Before he noticed my eyes resting on him I was back to getting the car ready to go, I started the engine and we were pulling out and away from the hospital. This would be the last he saw of it for a little while now!

"What time are we actually gonna get there?" He asked after he had settled down from his craning in his seat to flip off the hospital building one final time as it disappeared.

It was a good question! Even though I had just picked Lovi up, it was actually five thirty! I wanted to work one last day before we left, and the real fun was starting the next day so I figured it would be fine if we took a later train.

"Around eight." I estimated, "Tonight we're not doing anything. We're sleeping at Francis' place and waiting for tomorrow for it to get going!"

He sighed and sat back, "This better be fucking worth the hype."

I nodded. It was true; I had really bigged this trip up into an experience of a lifetime. But in a way it sort of was... Even if he got a taste for what we were going to do, this was bound to be special! And even if he realised this kind of thing wasn't for him, he would have memories- either way, it was going to be an experience.

"It's going to be so much fun!" I repeated for what must have been the tenth time that week, "I've always loved hanging with those guys, but it's gonna be even better with you there!"

"Tch..." He made a point of staring out the window then, but I knew what I said was true.

It wasn't a long drive to the station; I bought both the tickets and a snack for each of us before we made our way for the platform.

The train rolled up right on time, and being one of the first stations it visited Lovi and I got a great choice of seats. Well, he got a great choice, I was just following him.

We ended up in a booth with a table; we sat opposite, facing each other. These booths were better for groups of four, but since we both got to sit by the window and there weren't many others around I didn't say anything as he leaned forward on the white plastic table between us and looked at me intensely.

"I finished the book." He told me as we started to pull away from the station.

"Norwegian Wood?" I smiled and leaned forward too, "You really finished it? That's great!"

He shrugged and looked away a little, "I know I was as slow as fuck, but I case you forgot; I do have a brain tumour that makes reading and concentrating hurt like hell so I'm not a huge reader."

I almost reached out to grab his arm but held back, "Don't say that!" I put my hand on my chest, it was my favourite book and he had really fought to read it, "I'm so proud of you!" I really did hope that me usually being so happy didn't take away from how sincere I was trying to be...

I sat back in my seat and tilted my head as I looked at him, "I really am so glad you liked it." My voice was softer now as the thought of Lovi curled up in bed trying so hard to get his head around characters that even I found complex mellowed inside me, "It's better than the movie, right?"

He nodded enthusiastically, "Damn right!" He smiled a little, "I don't how, but that book affected me."

"Yeah," I agreed. We were both looking out the window now, watching the trees rush by, "What did you think of the ending."

"Weird." He was blunt, but right, "What the hell was I supposed to take from that?"

I laughed, "That's Murakami! Sometimes you really have to think about it to see why it's really an ending, y'know?"

He glanced at me, "No. What's your take on it, smart ass?"

"Well..." I began; something was welling up in my chest. Something warm and right. Here was Lovi and I just chatting in neutral... We were always so caught up, he was always getting mad and out conversations were so fast paced, either that or they were so slow and gentle. This was the medium, talking like equal friends, no frills, no explosions, just discussing what interested us. We didn't get that so often, and it was so easy to forget about.

"The book is sort of a journey, right?" I carried on, "And the journey had ended. That's it!"

He sighed; obviously my explanation wasn't as deep as he hoped! "How can you say it ended? We're totally just left mid climax!"

I shrugged, "Maybe it's not fair to call to the rest of Toru's more meaningful than the others. Why wasn't the very start as climactic as the ending to you? Sure he let things go, but when he still felt one way his feelings were just as important to him as the ones at the end."

Lovi narrowed his eyes, "You're gonna give me a headache in a minute, I don't get this shit."

I paused, trying to find a better way of putting all this.

"Okay," Take two! "The basis of the book is a choice, right?"

"Between the past and present?"

"Right!" I confirmed, "And do you think he make a decision?"

He bit his lip and nodded.

"So why go on?" I concluded, "The story of Toru's choice had been made. Murakami couldn't go on forever. Toru's life carried on, it would be silly to think that he stopped when that choice was made- so we had to cut it off when he was leaving that behind him"

There was a moment when Lovi blinked and nodded slowly, now he was getting it! "Still could have given us a few more pages to round it all off a little more."

I shrugged, "I get it." I agreed, "I felt the same way. But life doesn't get rounded off! Will yours?"

He looked at his hands, "I thought we were doing that right now."

I sighed and tilted my head, "No one can round your life off, Lovi. That's a good thing."

He pressed his forehead and we exchanged a glance before both looking out the window again.

"For a jackass..." He began and I grinned, knowing a comment about me was coming, "You can be pretty damn deep." He prodded my arm with his index finger.

I just laughed.

**.oO0Oo.**

Lovi listened to music and watched out the window after that for an hour at least. I didn't have anything to listen to but I was still content watching him. It was so peaceful between us, it always was. I was beginning to understand now why he called us soul mates once, not romantic ones so much, but just two people who just worked together. We weren't similar in any way but it still all worked.

I had a faint smile on as I looked out the window with him; he was so perfect to me.

I heard the first noise from him that I had heard ever since he put the headphones in his ears then. It was a sigh and I looked at him to see him yank the buds out his ears,

"It's all bull." He muttered without much context (actually he gave no context).

"Hm?" I also made the first noise I had made in a while.

He nodded to the battered looking ipod that rested on the plastic table between us, "It doesn't even have any damn storage left and I still can't find shit I want to listen to."

I nodded slowly and leaned forward to peer at the ipod, "What music do you like, Lovi?" Funnily enough we had never actually talked about the music the two of us listened to... Judging by our personalities though, I had a feeling we had slightly different tastes...

He shrugged, "Just shit."

I tapped the black screen with a curious smile, "Can I look?"

He gave me a look of disgust and grabbed the device from the table, "What the fuck? No!"

I frowned, though maybe I should have expected that reaction, "Why not?" Suddenly I wanted to find out Lovi's music tastes really bad! "It's just music!"

"There's embarrassing stuff on there!" He protested.

I laughed, "Aw, come on... How bad can it be?" I widened my eyes and leaned forward, "Is it Kidz Bop?"

He looked totally offended at that idea, "Tonio!? What the hell do you take me for!? Ew, no!"

I laughed again and sat back in my seat, "Well it's gonna be better than that, right?"

He gave a loud huff, "Still embarrassing."

I raised my brow, "Lovi... If you don't show me I'll just think you have Kidz Bop."

"Che..." He looked at me intensely, "You know this is blackmail, right?"

I didn't reply, he looked tense.

He made a sound out frustration, "Fine!" He exclaimed and pushed the ipod over to me, "Just don't laugh."

I thanked him excitedly and brought up his artists as fast as my inexperienced fingers could go on the touch screen.

Wow... Lovi sure liked his music! He had more artists on here than artists I had ever heard of in my life...

And most of them were ones I didn't recognise.

I read out the ones that I did know, "Arctic Monkeys..." I murmured mostly to myself, "Awolnation..." I looked up at him, "I think I heard that name somewhere."

"Have you been living under a rock?"

I looked back at the screen and was a little surprised to find one name I definitely recognised, "Brittany Spears?!" That was certainly a surprise!

He scowled at me, blushing darkly, "Hey! You said you wouldn't laugh!"

I grinned, "I'm not laughing, Lovi!"

He narrowed his eyes, "You're about to!"

I grinned and looked back at the screen, picking up the pace with my scrolling... Gosh... I really didn't know many of these, "Fall Out Boy... Lana Del Rey..." There seemed to be hundreds and barely recognised two!

Then I found some foreign names half way down and I knew with these ones, I wouldn't be the only one who didn't recognise them, "Are these guys Italian?"

He nodded, I didn't need to show him for him to know what I was talking about, "Traditional stuff." He added, "Grandpa showed me it."

I nodded, "Is it good?"

He rolled his eyes, "Yeah, no shit!" He folded his arms, "Why the hell else would they be on there?"

I laughed, "Lovi, you do have Brittany Spears..."

He glared at me for that before looking down, "That shit is catchy."

**.oO0Oo.**

We arrived there only a little later than planned, the station was quiet when we and only a few other riders got off onto the empty platform.

"Jeeze... Warm welcome." Lovi muttered, pulling his arms around himself tightly.

We took the bus to Francis' place. It was strange, it wasn't late but we both seemed to be tired. It wasn't even dark out.

"What's this guy actually like?" Lovi finally asked, it was the first time he had acknowledged that someone else apart from us would be there in Francis' apartment tonight and we were halfway up the stairs to his front door.

"Francis?" Oh gosh... How did I explain Francis in a way that wouldn't put Lovi off? Was it even possible?

"He's pretty dramatic!" I told him... That was true, right? "But he's nice. And he likes to make people happy."

Before Lovi could start to question my vague description of one of my best friends we were at the door already. He looked up at it a little uncertainly as I chapped on it. Poor guy, this must have been pretty daunting for him...

"He's-"

Before I could reassure Lovino anymore the door swung open and the weekend had begun.


	22. Chapter 22

_A/N: Part two of soooooo many_

_Thanks for reading, please review!_

**Chapter Twenty-One**

**Where Did the Party Go? -Part Two**

Francis greeted us with his usual excitement when he opened the door.

"_Mon ami_!" He exclaimed, throwing his hands up the air, "My goodness you have arrived at last..." He peeked over at Lovi, "And you brought your little friend."

I grinned and put my arm around Lovi, showing him off, "That's right! This is Lovino, the guy we're here for."

"This is the rascal?" Reaching out, Francis grabbed Lovi's hands and pulled him closer, over the threshold and through the door, "Lovino it is my pleasure!"

Lovi shot me a look of questioning, "What the fuck are you doing with my hands?"

Oh no... That wasn't a good start! There was a tense moment as Francis looked at him in surprise. I had tried to give Gil' and Francis some pre-warning as to what Lovi was like but sometimes you just can't prepare someone enough for some things...

My worry was relieved as Francis reacted with a cheerful laugh, "Aha!" He winked at Lovino, "I see the Spaniard was right about you!" He let go of Lovi's hands so he could place them on his chest, "I am Francis, your host and I shall ensure the weekend is fruitful and passionate!"

Lovi stood back and leaned against the door frame... He didn't look too impressed, but that was just how Lovi was. I had expecting a first impression like this, but I was certain that these two would get along fine in no time!

"Just tell me where I can lie the fuck down." Lovi shoved passed Francis and into the house... This wasn't _so_ bad. I expected worse- Lovi was being pretty rude but he wasn't saying anything offensive...

Not yet anyway.

"My, my..." Francis smile as he watched Lovi kick off his shoes, "Such a forward boy!" He laughed and looked at me, "_Mon ami_ you certainly know how to pick them..."

Lovi glared over at us both, "What the hell is that supposed to mean? I'm thirsty."

Francis sighed and ushered me in too, "I shall fix drinks, worry not..." He put a hand on my back, "He looks like a exotic bird but what an angry thing." He murmured into my ear.

I nodded in agreement enthusiastically, Lovi was proud like a tropical bird too.

"This way, this way!" Francis ushered me and Lovi into the kitchen and pointed to the breakfast bar for the two of us to sit.

"A glass of wine?" He asked, "Or would you like something to eat?"

"Just water for me." I didn't like alcohol so much, and since I would have to force plenty down over the next two days I would stick to the water for now.

As he grabbed a glass and held it out under the faucet, Francis looked over to Lovi, "A glass of wine for you?"

Lovi wrinkled his nose, "Ew, gross, just give me water."

"How plain." Francis sighed and placed the two glasses in front of us, picking up and taking a sip from his rose wine.

Lovi just rolled his eyes at that, both he and I knew he was anything but plain... Francis would learn that soon enough.

He downed his water pretty quickly, turning to Francis who was looking at him curiously, "I'm as tired as fuck. Where's the bed?"

Francis raised his eyebrow... Lovi's behaviour did often take some getting used to. But he still smiled, shooting an amused look over to me.

Francis pointed to a door at the other side of the room, the kitchen was open and the living room was just behind the breakfast bar, "Just through there. The bathroom is en suite, I think you'll find it most enjoyable."

Probably too tired to snap out another response, Lovi just slipped down from his stool wordlessly and left, leaving Francis and I looking at one another until we heard the door shut.

Francis grinned as soon as lovi was gone, "Goodness, _mon ami, _I said, you certainly know how to pick them."

I sighed but laughed, shaking my head, "I promise, Francis, he's actually really sweet! You just have to spend a little time with him..."

Francis looked t me in surprise, "What? No, no! I wasn't criticising... He's a wonderful boy! _Tres Bien_! Very passionate!"

I nodded, "You're certainly right about that."

Francis nodded to the shut door that Lovi had gone through, "I have you both in one bed, I hope you don't mind, alas it is all I have..." He winked, "But if you don't, I'd certainly share a bed with that little ruby..."

My face flushed, "Francis! That's creepy!"

He shrugged, "Is it?" He leaned forward onto the bar, "But you must admit that boy is a beauty, _oui_?"

I cast my eyes down; Francis had basically spoken what my thoughts had been for a long time. He was absolutely right, Lovi was incredible... But hearing someone else say it, especially my old friend, made it kinda weird... And made me feel sorta sleazy.

I nodded, despite how I felt I couldn't lie, "Yeah. He's amazing..."

Francis narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips for a moment, "_Mon ami_..." He began quietly, "You don't just love his looks do you?"

Though my eyes were fixed on the table they still widened. I swallowed dryly... Oh no, nobody had caught me before! I should have known that if anyone, Francis would figure out how I felt.

"What do you mean!?" My voice was too high and loud as I tried to cover it up.

Francis only laughed, "Aha! I knew it!" Francis reached forward and took both my hands, "My friend, it is obvious... You are most certainly in love."

I looked up just to see the triumphant smile slowly fall from his face... So there it was, the realisation that this wasn't a happy thing, "But doesn't he only have a few... Just a little time left?"

I closed my eyes as another thought that had been torturing me lately was said aloud, "Please don't tell Gilbert." I said meekly. I had totally broken the promise I made to him. Even though I couldn't help how things had gone I felt so guilty.

Gilbert said not to get too attached to Lovi, and as cruel as that sounded, he was being kinda sensible. At first he wanted me to stop being friends with Lovi completely... Poor Gil', I must have been making him sound like a bad person when he was just looking out for me.

Now I had totally betrayed him and got the most attached to Lovino as I could get, I was in love with him, really deeply too.

He even told me about Matthew's brother, he was scared that I would get as bad as Matthew. He knew what grief could do, he had seen it. Gilbert really tried his best for me.

But none of it worked.

Francis shook his head, "I won't tell him." He gave a short dry laugh, "Lucky for you, our German friend isn't quite as sharp when it comes to delicate matters of the romantic kind. _Non_, your secret is quite safe with me."

I breathed out in relief, "Thank you... I don't think he would take it well."

Francis nodded gravely, "Don't mistake my behaviour as a flippant one either," He warned, "As joyful as love is I can't say I pleased."

I bit my lip, "Sorry." I felt like I had done a really bad thing... Actually, I probably had.

Francis shook his head, "Love is not a force that can be stopped." He had a distant look on his face, "You see; I used to believe love was an unstoppable force hitting an unbreakable object. The force was the feelings each partner had and the object was... Well, the ones receiving the love. I would say that because I believed love saved people, you couldn't be broken if you felt your partners love." He cleared his throat, "Now I see how wrong that was."

"Love can destroy as much as it can heal?" I tried to finish for him.

He clicked his fingers, "Correct! I am most afraid that you will suffer ill from love, my friend."

I shrugged, "But what can I do?"

"Nothing." Came the short answer, "I still believe that emotions are a force cannot simply be stemmed."

I frowned looking down again, "He's so perfect."

This finally got Francis to smile again, "I'm afraid I'm yet to see why you might come out with such a thing, but I do understand why you like him. Have you any clue as to what he feels for you?"

I shrugged, sort of wishing I didn't have to talk about this, "I don't think he sees me as much more as a friend I'm afraid... I might have come along a little too strong and freaked him out."

Francis furrowed his brow, "Too strong? Don't be ridiculous!"

I laughed and sipped my water, "I don't know what came over me!" I was known as being the polite one of us three, Francis was right to find the idea of me overstepping the line strange, "He was just there in front of me and suddenly all I wanted was to touch him..." I cringed as I though back to what was probably a big mistake.

Francis nodded slowly as he thought about this before finally saying, "And you're sure the advance was... _Unwelcome_?"

I nodded, "I'm sure."

"How?"

"You just needed to see him!" I covered my face in embarrassment, "It was like he had seen a ghost, and he just ran off."

Francis didn't say anything; I watched as he walked to the fridge, grabbed the wine bottle and slowly poured another glass, "Unless he says out right that he doesn't want you..." Francis said, "Then you can never truly know."

I wrinkled my nose, "That makes you sound like a creep!"

He chuckled as he raised the glass to his lips, "_Oui_, perhaps- but it is true. He may have been simply nervous, unprepared... It would be a foolish move to use a single uncertain moment as an excuse to repress your love!"

I laughed, leaning forward to pat my friend's shoulder, "I kinda don't feel like taking chances. I'm just glad we're friends!"

"Friendship cannot rival the intimacy of love!"

I laughed again and reached out to slide Francis' wine glass away from him, "You've had enough of this... I thought you didn't want me to feel like this anyway, you kinda sound like you're encouraging me."

"_Oiu_. The heart wants what the heart wants... I can't stop you from feeling such things for our small boy, you should at least be happy with him now." He leaned in to speak in a low voice, "However our dear Gilbert may not quite understand this."

The two of us finally got off the subject a little after this and spoke for hours about everything else in our lives. I talked about the cafe; he talked about his own business. We both speculated for a little while about Gilbert and Matthew- Francis said he was shocked Gilbert managed to hold onto such a sweet guy for so long, I was the one who defended Gilbert, saying how charming he was in his own way.

"I commend him." Francis said, "Being able to put up with Gilbert's lowest of the low humour for so long..."

I rolled my eyes playfully, "You were able to for years! Gilbert's funny!"

"Hmm, funny perhaps to an ape." Francis was stroking his chin like he usually did what he was just at that stage of tipsy to act like a real above-it-all French guy.

"And you don't know what he's like with Matthew, he could be really sweet."

"That's the only explanation that I could possibly conjure."

I sighed, I knew Francis loved Gil' really, we all did, he was just being contrary, "Is Matthew gonna be with us this weekend?"

Francis shook his head, "_Non_. Being the angel he is, Matthew doesn't find the kind of actives we'll be doing to match his own interests."

I nodded. I felt bad, but I was secretly glad that Matthew wasn't coming... I still hadn't even met him. The way this was going, Gilbert could marry the guy and I still wouldn't have met him in person... He was such a huge part of the life I could have had if I stayed here.

As it stood, he was just another thing that made me feel a distance between me and my childhood friends.

Just then a door behind me opened and the person that made me feel like moving away from this town and the friends I had in it was worth it walked in.

"Lovi..." I watched him as he skulked over, "I thought you were sleeping." Oh God... He hadn't heard me talking about him, had he?

"I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep." He shook his head as I offered him some water; his glass had been put away, and climbed up onto the stool beside me.

... So he had been sleeping. Thank goodness... In that case, I doubt he actually heard.

Francis looked at Lovi with sympathy, "My... It couldn't have been a nightmare?"

Lovi shook his head, "I don't dream."

"But Lovi..." I chuckled and nudged him, "Everyone dreams!"

"Well I don't." He grabbed the water glass, changing his mind and taking a long drink

"Perhaps we are all merely subjects to our own dreams..." Francis leaned on the counter, trying to look mystical.

"Cut the bullshit, Frenchie." Lovi stopped him before this could get any deeper, "Jeeze, I already wish I hadn't come back."

Lovi, Francis and I then talked as a three. I tried to ignore the pointed glances Francis gave me as I watched Lovi's slow sleepy face react to the conversations every twist and turn. It was almost suddenly and without any warning he upped and left again. Leaving silence between Francis and I as the door shut behind him.

"I better get to bed too." I gave a sigh as I stood up and stretched. I was up far later than normal, even Francis who was usually a night owl looked a little done in.

"You know where to go." He nodded to the door, "And the bathroom is in there too."

I drained the last of my water before I crossed the room. I was almost at the door when it struck me how lucky I was to have Francis as my friend...

"Thanks by the way." I turned back to look at him, "He's one crazy kid, but this does mean a lot to us both."

Francis grinned, "How could I resist a night out with you and Gilbert? It's just an added bonus that we have a new little friend to join us."

I laughed and looked down; I didn't know if this was Francis' idea of a good time or not anymore... We weren't exactly old, but we had seriously matured since high school. Heck, the only reason I was excited was because of what it meant for Lovi. Without Lovino I wouldn't even consider this.

"Just accept the thanks, okay?" I smiled back, my hand resting on the door handle, "Both of you guys are the best."

"Oh we know." Came the reply as I slipped quietly through the door.

**.oO0Oo.**

It was a little strange as I entered the darkened room.

It suddenly struck me that Lovi, even when he came back to talk to Francis and me again, hadn't complained about the bed once.

I was sure he knew that the big double bed in front of me was for us both, he was keeping to one side so I had room to get in beside me and he had even dumped my bag at the end of it...

Yeah, he definitely knew we were sharing.

But he hadn't even complained! This was Lovi, the guy who would fuss about literally anything and here he was tucked up ready for me to snuggle down beside him without even putting up a fight.

I sat down slowly on my side of the bed. Was he asleep? I couldn't tell. He was curled up with his face hidden but he was very still. I decided he was sleeping.

I left him in peace while I undressed... I hope he didn't mind that I only slept in my underwear... I realised as I reached for my toothbrush that I didn't have anything to sleep in... Oh well, maybe this would be my lucky night and he wouldn't complain about that either.

I had my shirt off and my pants half down when he shifted and made a small noise. I froze... Did he wake up? I didn't move for a whole minute until I decided it was nothing and carried on.

I was in bed beside him pretty quickly.

But what the heck did I do with myself?

I lay staring at the ceiling. I was way too aware of him right there beside me... Breathing... Moving slightly... Being a person.

I couldn't even sleep because of it!

I had to turn on to my side to face him, it was only way I was gonna get comfortable.

Moving in tiny jerks I started to roll onto my side. I didn't want the mattress to wobble too much and wake him up. I barely pulled the duvet over me, just a little; I couldn't make anything too sudden...

I swallowed hard. There... I was on my side just as I wanted...

Now I just had to sleep...

I shut my eyes and sighed... This wasn't gonna work... This felt too weird...

Then he moved again. Not just a little shuffle like before but a full on awake person kind of movement.

Except it wasn't to sit up to tell me to get lost, it wasn't to put a pillow barrier between us either.

He moved back towards my body, he back pressed to my bare chest.

Huh?

He reached behind him and grabbed my hands too, pulling them around him.

So he had been awake all along, huh?

This made no sense to me but as I felt his body fit against mine I finally felt like I could sleep. Somethings maybe worked better without sense.

I pressed my lips to the back of his head, "Night, Lovi." I murmured.

He didn't reply, still playing sleep I guess.


	23. Chapter 23

_A/N: Finally! The next chapter!_

_thanks for reading, remember to review!_

**Chapter Twenty-Three**

**Where Did The Party Go- Part Three**

All three of us slept late the next day. We all got up around eleven and had a bite to eat in sleepy silence before grabbing stuff we needed.

We were meeting Gilbert at one and things would kick off from there... I couldn't say I was too excited, especially given that I had only just woken up, but at least we were starting light.

Not even Lovi wanted to start drinking at one in the afternoon! So once we fetched Gilbert we were set to have a lunch out. Basically we were just chilling out until six when we'd crack on and start pre-drinks.

Gilbert and Lovi... They were kind of a contrast!

"How can you drink that shit?" Lovi asked bitterly as he watched Gilbert crack open a beer, "You must be fucking brain dead."

Gilbert raised a brow and nodded at Lovi's glass of vodka and coke, "You say as you drink that. Coke is a shitty mixer, idiot!"

Lovi scowled, "Shut the fuck up!" Francis and I looked at each other, this was the second time these two had kicked off and we had only just got home, "I'm the damn guest you're supposed to make me something nice!"

Gilbert stuck his tongue out at Lovi... Somehow I felt like those two were okay. I know they were bickering, but Lovi argued with everyone! Even me!

It was kinda like play fighting with those two.

Gilbert had been cold to Lovi at first, there was a really awkward hour when I first introduced them, Gilbert kept glaring at him and I really didn't feel comfortable...

But I got it. Gilbert hadn't been seeing Lovino as a person until now, just a concept, just something that would hurt me in the end. It probably took a while for him to get past than and see Lovi as real with thoughts, feelings, needs... Just like him and me.

Now even though Gilbert was acting spiky it was just because Lovi was too. It was maybe a tiny bit scary when they shot all those curses at one each other but other than that it was kinda funny! It was like Lovino was meeting the first other person like him in his life!

"When the hell are we leaving?" Lovi clicked his tongue and winced as he sipped his drink again, "It's almost ten dammit!"

"Go?" Francis laughed, "My dear boy..." He sipped his wine, red this time, "The night is still young!"

Gilbert rolled his eyes, "We're not going anywhere yet _dumkopf_! I'm not even tipsy!"

Poor Lovi... You could really tell he had never done this kind of thing before. He looked between the other two in confusion before his eyes finally landed on me, "Huh?" He sounded a little helpless then and I felt so sorry for him...

"We'll head out around midnight, okay?" I was sitting the other side of the room to him, he was on the couch while I was in a chair in the far corner, but I still inched my chair a little closer as if that would do much, "The clubs will just be opening now, we wanna get there when that party has really started!"

Gilbert stretched, he was sitting closet to Lovi, which seemed dangerous, "You'll look like a stupid piece of shit if you showed up now."

Lovi blushed and looked at the floor, "Well I didn't know."

I leaned forward, desperate to say something encouraging before someone could start bickering again, "That's okay!" I kept chirpy, "When us three were first going out we got there early a lot!"

He looked over to me again... When the two of us communicated it felt like there was some kind of beam across the room and the other two knew it. If Lovi and I started having a little conversation they would be quiet. Us two had a special connection. Like we belonged with each other.

"Bet you were losers." He spat, still embarrassed.

I laughed and decided to lean back, relaxed, "We were popular... But yeah."

Gilbert took the pause to speak up, "What the hell are you saying about us?"

Conversation carried on like this, we all got more urgent and enthusiastic and loud as more drinks were poured. Lovi finally found something that didn't seem to cause him physical pain to drink and once he was on to the peach schnapps and lemonade there was no stopping him!

"Oi oi!" Gibert grabbed Lovi by the arm as he stumbled out of the taxi into the queue for 'Cleo' the biggest nightclub we knew that would let under 21s in on certain nights, "Quit throwing yourself around! The bouncer will kick your ass if you're drunk!"

"Shut the hell up!" Lovi was talking far too loudly, "You told me I was supposed to be wasted!"

"Not wasted you jackass, just tipsy!" He gave Lovi a little shake, "Pull yourself together!"

Francis laughed and pinched Gilbert's cheek, "_Mon ami_ you must stop being so irritable! This is a joyous night!"

I put both my hands on Lovi's shoulders, to be honest if I had had as much as he had before coming out I would be far worse than a little bit of swaying and a loud voice... I knew I wasn't meant touch him but he was about to fall over! I could feel him under my hands; it must have been so long since I got to feel him.

He looked like nothing I had ever seen before. Lovi always looked cute in his big clothes with his wild hair like a rusty halo, but this was something different entirely! This was a whole new level.

Obviously he had been doing research on what to wear rather than what time to show up at. If he didn't look a little out of it and drunk, Lovi would seem totally at home in this huge queue of party goers. He had tight black jeans on that made his legs look stunning and the white low v-neck t-shirt and casual grey blazer just looked right on him. The outfit made him look far older and really played to the best parts of him.

He seemed very Italian in this sense; I never met a guy who was so fashionable!

"Lovi will be okay!" I insisted, "He's fine, right, Lovi? You can act natural?"

Lovi pulled away from my hands, "Fuck off already!" His words were a little slurred.

This cracked Gilbert up, "Look at the kid! He's gonna get everyone in there all over him."

I made a face and shuddered. Gilbert was right, people in there were gonna be crazy enough already! Never mind throwing a gorgeous drunk guy into the mix.

I swallowed comments about not letting anyone get to close back. He wasn't mine, I didn't own him... If he wanted to dance up against other people he could. I didn't control him and he wasn't someone I could justify holding back if I got jealous.

Besides, there was Gilbert to think about. Francis knew everything but promised not to tell. As long as I was careful, there was still a chance I could protect one of my friends from the fact that I had fallen in love with the very one they warned me not to get attached to.

I had to play it off that Lovi could dance all night with whomever. He was just my friend, right? If he got someone to dance with then I should have been cheering him on like I did with Francis or Gilbert way back when we were Lovi's age.

We shuffled forward in the queue; I was already glancing around, looking for anyone who might take an interest in the well dressed beauty next to me. I had to stop doing that! It only made things worse.

Before I could scan too far down the line there was a punch to my arm that snapped my right out of it. It was Francis.

"_Mon ami, _we shall never get in if you keep staring around like a madman." He raised his eyebrows, the only way he could get his message that he knew exactly what I was doing without alerting the other two.

"Huh?" I blinked a few times, pretending I had just spaced out.

"Jeeze, airhead." Lovi nudged me, rolling his eyes before standing on his toes to watch the door impatiently, "How long is this gonna fucking take?!"

Francis touched his arm, far more gently than he touched me a second ago (I was jealous!), "Just relax!" He grinned as Lovi came down from his toes scowling, "Patience is a virtue you know."

Lovi snorted, "You're so fucking gay."

Francis laughed airily, "I believe the word is bisexual."

We spent around five minutes making this kind of chatter before Francis pulled out a secret little hipflask with a wink. Lovi pounced on it- he was really surprising me with how fearless he was with drink! Francis made us all share the whisky inside it, he thought we were all sobering up waiting and he couldn't have that.

By the time we got to the doors we certainly weren't sobered up.

It was a real fumble to get my driver licence out as ID, everything seemed to shift and spin. I felt like my eyes couldn't stay still in my sockets no matter how hard I tried to focus. This probably wasn't good, I had never been so bad before I even got inside before.

Francis spoke and he sounded like he was underwater. I laughed loudly anyway though just a second later I couldn't remember a word of what he had even said.

I grabbed Lovi the second he made it past the bouncers; my no touching rule had been abandoned. He was laughing like I had never heard him laugh before and really didn't care that I had him shoved against my chest.

All I could really understand was the deep throbbing of the beat; there was a quick low rumbling that made the whole place vibrate and down the hall, past the bathrooms and the cloakrooms there were flashing lights. It was pretty intense, especially for us because we were all kinda out of it.

Lovi wouldn't let go of my arm, he was squeezing it tight and even had his face against my shirt. If I was in my right mind I would have asked what it all meant. But I wasn't so instead I just ruffled his soft hair and smiled dopily... Maybe it was better that way. I got to just enjoy it.

"Let's go in!" His voice sounded like it was muffled. Not because of my shirt but because it was so darn loud! It made Lovi's voice background noise.

Gilbert was the flashiest of all of us so he led the way. He was so cool! Even when he was as bad as the rest of us he kept his look up... He even had a leather jacket on, he must have been boiling.

"Bar?!" He yelled, turning back to us to he could jerk his head to the crowded bar, it was swamped! The poor guys tending it looked like they were sweating rivers!

Lovi let go of me then, throwing his whole body forwards a few places so he could nod, "Yes!" He sounded totally ecstatic at the idea.

The struggle came with actually getting to the front. The out of the amount of people milling around the bar area, only a few were there because they actually wanted something. We slid and pushed through; we lost Francis on the way. I wanted to go find him but suddenly Gilbert was there with Francis' money and order.

"I wanna try tequila!" Lovi leaned over the bar counter, accidently sweeping off a glass that clattered to the floor by our feet, "Shit..." He laughed, pressing his face to the glass.

But Gilbert just ordered four vodka shots, one each which was probably wise. Lovi sure had had a range of drinks so far and thanks to that he was a loopy mess! We couldn't throw another one into the mix or he'd end up passed out on the dance floor!

Francis found us just as he paid. He was slid a small shot glass over to him and we all counted down before tossing it back.

Ew, ew, ew! It stung! I hated alcohol; I hated everything with alcohol in it. Just nothing could mask it for me! So for me, when I couldn't even stand liquor chocolates, this was kinda awful.

I watched Lovi out of the corner of my eye. I was surprised but glad I noticed the way a drop of his shot missed his lips and trickled down the side of his mouth. I was too far gone to keep weird thoughts out of my mind... I could imagine licking it from his peachy skin... I wouldn't even care how it tasted. This thought had me staring, my head still back and the empty glass at my lips.

Luckily he didn't notice me and after slamming my glass down at long last we fought our way back out of the crowd and started to move down towards the dance floor.

It was like the whole room was alive... It was full of so many people, their movements fragmented by the flashing lights. Lovi was all for it! He was ahead of us all, you'd hardly think that out of all of us, he would be the one who had never been somewhere like this.

The lyrics of the song were pretty dirty, I was sure hadn't heard it before, but Lovi was cheering like it was his favourite.

'_Bitch I'm in the 212  
With the 5th cocked nigga,  
It's the 2 1 zoo,  
Fuck you gone do,  
When your goons sprayed up,  
Bet his bitch won't get em'_

Lovi started to sing along; even in my state I was appalled that he knew the words. He was dancing though and I was a weird hazy mix of startled and drawn to him.

"Keep it in your damn pants!" Gilbert's voice came into my ear making me jump. Oh no! He wasn't supposed to know how attracted to Lovi I was!

"It's in there!" I shouted back before realising how weird I sounded… I wasn't doing great here!

But Gilbert wouldn't remember this little bit of conversation, he would forget the way I was looking at Lovi (who was now running his hands all over himself like he had never felt skin before) in a few hours.

Francis grabbed my wrists and started to dance with me, laughing merrily. I liked Francis when he was drunk actually…He was just himself but more extreme! And Francis was a really fun guy!

I laughed with him and my temporary state did away with the temporary thoughts and I ended up being able to actually relax without Lovi drawing my attention at every moment.

"Gilbert!" I called over, some girl was all over him and he was warming to her… I grabbed the back of his shirt and yanked him back, making him cry out. I hated hurting my friends but Gilbert was all over everyone when he was like this, and made us promise that we wouldn't let him cheat on Matthew, no matter how up for it he seemed at the time.

Gilbert rammed his body into me, it was like dominoes and I hit into the big guy beside me and he then almost crushed the small shadow behind him, "Fucking ruining my game!"

We just laughed; there was absolutely no point in reasoning with him. I grabbed Lovi's arm and pulled him closer into the circle… He did look like he was gonna disappear into the masses.

The song ended and suddenly Lovi started to bounce up and down as the next one started, his mouth wide open in a yell that we couldn't hear,

"You were a waitress at a cocktail bar!" He yelled out the words at the top of his lungs, throwing his hands up in the air, "I fucking love this song!" He grabbed my shirt as he tried to really get his message across.

"Don't you want me, baby!?" We all cheered, Lovi was right, this was a good song and a great start to the evening!

It all went on. Things became a mixed up blur after that, especially as we all did another shot each at the bar. We got photos taken; songs we liked came on as often as ones we hated.

It was around an hour and a half in when I started to remember why I didn't do this so often. I was soaked with sweat and spilt drinks; I could barely move let alone breathe. It was like the air had got too thick to breath.

The people around me didn't feel like real humans anymore. The lights put everyone around me in stop motion, they were just fractures and snapshots of girls that moved like snakes and the guys like brick walls.

I didn't like it. It was like a whole other world from the one I belonged in…The one I came from had real people, not these one dimensional pictures…

I felt like I couldn't even stand anymore but there was no floor space to fall. Just as I thought I might pass out anyway I felt familiar hands catch my arm.

"'Tonio!" It was Lovi, but he didn't seem like how he was when we came in… He looked urgent now, even sorta intimidated, "I want outta here!"

"Lovi!" I moved my face closer to him, he seemed to have changed his attitude so quick, "Are you okay!?"

He nodded but still tugged at me, "Please take me out, I need some air! Please!"

No way was I gonna make him ask again. I pulled him under my arm so no amount of people shoving past with their drinks could make me lose him.

We almost fell up the stairs, each one felt like a mountain but as we got up we could finally feel coolness on our cheeks again…

We could breathe.


	24. Chapter 24

_A/N: I'm mixing this one up a little! The first half of this one is going to be in Antonio's P.O.V but the second half is Lovi's! Twice the perspective, twice the fun!_

_No but really, I wanted to get both their views in this one but I don't think I'll do this again- the whole chapter of one characters voice is neater, even though this was still interesting to write._

_Thanks as always for reading this far and sticking with me, I hope that this slow burn is still keeping you all entertained! Don't forget to review and tell me what you think ;D_

**Chapter Twenty-Four**

**Where did the Party Go? - Part Four**

"You okay now?" I asked. We had been sitting on a bench a little down the street from the club as we both cooled off and took a moment to calm down for the past five minutes.

Lovi sighed and leaned back, "Yeah." His voice was quiet, "But I dunno if I wanna go back in yet..." He waved me away, "You can go, I'll come later."

I didn't budge, "I'm not going anywhere without you." I leaned forward so I could watch his face, "What's the matter? Don't you like it?" I smiled, "At first you looked like you were having a great time!"

He shrugged and pulled his blazer further around himself, "Its fucking crazy in there. It just started to get to me."

"You started to sober up?" I asked, Lovi definitely seemed more reserved now, that was obvious!

He nodded, "That sounds right." He shut his eyes and furrowed his brow, "I was gonna fucking die in there!"

I laughed, at least he could talk without looking dizzy again, "I know how you feel... It gets pretty hot, right?"

He nodded vigorously, "Damn right!" He gave exhaled, "And those lights... Like you could see everyone and then not and them you could again... It felt like I was stuck in a jumpy video that hadn't loaded right." He narrowed his eyes, watching a taxi pass, "It all seemed so one dimensional."

He said exactly what I thought... It was incredible; it was like he read my mind!

"Like they're not real!" I exclaimed. I was suddenly so excited!

He looked at me and blinked, "Yeah... I guess."

I grinned at him, suddenly I was overcome with how perfect he was, he got (though not intentionally and it wasn't anything he really put effort into) all the weird thoughts I thought I'd never have someone understand! I wanted to share my whole life with him, "Let's go somewhere!" I was on my feet again. It was half one in the morning but I had so much energy!

But Lovi didn't look keen, "I don't want to start dinking again yet."

"Not a bar or anything..." I looked over my shoulder, "I want to show you somewhere special to me."

He leaned back on the bench, "At one thirty am?"

"Yes!" I softened, suddenly realising that being hyper wasn't helping my case, "Come on, I think you'll like it.

He gave a heavy sigh, looking around for a moment, leaving me hanging before he finally replied, "Fine." He stood up and stretched, "Where the hell are we going?"

I beckoned before starting to walk with him following me, "It's a surprise." I was walking at quite a pace but I began to slow gradually, remembering we had all the time in the world.

"Won't the other guys wonder where the hell we went?" He asked, getting to my side.

I shook my head, "If they're worried they'll text me." I smiled softly, "I'm pretty sure they're used to getting on without me. They'll wait for us at a McDonalds or something if they get tired."

Lovi sighed reluctantly and let it go. I guess I couldn't blame him for not leaping at the chance to come with me- he didn't even know where we were going and I don't think he really came mentally prepared to walk through a town, which was much bigger than his own, in the middle of the night. But him coming along still meant a lot to me! And now that he had kinda agreed I wasn't gonna let him back out!

Five minutes later and I could see how confused he was as he looked around, "What the hell?" He asked, "We're in the fucking suburbs!"

I put a finger in front of his lips to hush him, "Careful, Lovi..." I whispered, "There might be babies sleeping in these houses..."

He hit my hand away, "Then tell me where we're going!" He whispered (even though his whisper was a lot louder than mine) back, "We're not even in the town anymore!"

I just smiled as I looked around, "I used to live around here... We're close I promise."

He looked up at the houses, they weren't exactly exciting... They weren't big or cute and tiny or anything, but I still smiled, this was getting me nostalgic. Having Lovi here made it strange.

It was like before now I had still been living in the past. It was like I still clung so hard to my life here that I had never really made many connections with much when I moved. I had gardening, I had the cafe and I loved both those things... But I never truly had my heart there.

Lovi changed that, he made coming back here not so much like coming home but visiting a museum of my own life. There was the park I used to hand out at; there was the mall I bought my favourite book at, but like a museum I didn't truly feel like I belonged there. It warmed my heart to see all these places, but they simply weren't 'my park', 'my street' or whatever.

Walking though this old neighbourhood really was like marrying the old and the new. Like Lovi was a bubble all around me that kept me from feeling like this place was my own again. He was my lucky charm; he kept me in the present even when all I could see was the past.

"You used to live here?" He groaned, "I am not breaking into your old house so you can fucking show me your room or something."

I laughed, putting my hand over my mouth, "No!" I exclaimed far louder than I liked, "No..." There, that one was quieter, "This place was close to my house, yeah, but we're not going _in_ there..." I put my hand on my forehead, "That would get pretty crazy!"

He kicked my ankle as we walked, "You are crazy, jackass, what the hell do I expect? ... Which one was yours?"

"We won't pass it." I confessed, "It's a few streets over that way." I pointed, "It would be pointless to go down that way."

I still looked over the direction I pointed a little longer, someone was sleeping in my old room right now. I mulled over this thought. What colour did they paint my walls? I guessed that was something that depended on who had the room, but I imagined them being a safe magnolia colour that if chipped at a little would show the light blue that I used to have.

Thoughts like that used to scare me. It would just hammer into me that my old life was gone.

It was okay now, now that Lovi was by my side my life here just became a memory.

**.oO0Oo.**

"This is fucking ridiculous!" Now we were out of all the houses Lovi was able to raise his voice again and boy was he doing that...

"We're so close I swear!" I grabbed his hand to help him up. We were away from the houses now and climbing a grassy hill... So maybe this wasn't quite fair considering how little I warned Lovi... But this was something I was really desperate to show him.

I was already up, I had been ten whole paces ahead of Lovi for a few minutes now, making sure the path was still okay, it had been a while since I had been up here after all.

Finally he was up. I had him in my arms, guiding him along as he stumbled to the one bench along the path. I sat him down, just in case he was dizzy again and parted from him, letting him see the view.

We weren't in a huge city; this wasn't exactly the bright lights of New York or London, but it was still one of my favourite views.

Mountains were behind the buildings, they were dark patches like broad giants in the light polluted sky. In front was the hills was the town itself, as I said, it wasn't big, and I hope nostalgia wasn't distorting me, but it seemed to sparkle... Like the street lights were made of topaz.

From here you could see everything, the shopping strip, the supermarket, the beating clubs. Every memory was in that scene... But it wasn't just because of memories; it was a picture of human life.

I looked at him; Lovi was looking out at the view, his expression unreadable.

"This is your favourite place?" I couldn't read his voice either, he was just staring...

"Uh huh." I slowly sat beside him, "It's the place I came to breathe if thing got too much. I never even took Gil' and Francis here."

He cackled, "What the hell? You're so damn happy all the time! You got stressed? Bullshit."

I laughed and leaned back on my palms... So maybe he wasn't reacting quite as I hoped but I was still glad I took him. I would carry him down to compensate for the climb, "I used to want to get married up here." I admitted, "It really means a lot."

"That's so gay..." He prodded my in the ribs and I chuckled, "I guess that means it suits you then."

"What do you think of it?"

He furrowed his brow, looking over the whole view, "I like it." He decided, "The mountains are pretty." He gave a long sigh, even when he was just filling the silence, he always had my total attention, it was amazing, "But I'm freezing."

I raised my eyebrows, I had never even realised! But now he mentioned it, I could clearly see the way he was hunched over... I felt terrible, I had barely thought about him the whole time I had been dragging him around...

"Let's go back!" I stood up quickly, "We'll head somewhere warm! A bar or something..."

He shook his head, "Not yet! I don't want to go yet."

But I thought he said he was cold? "Lovi, wha-"

But before I could even ask what was up he had stood up and flung his arms around me, holding onto me tight.

I blinked a few times before placing my hand on his head... He was probably still drunk. Drunk and cold... I was pretty warm.

"Thank you." I heard him mumble into my shirt and blinked in surprise... None of this was like him. He looked up at me and even in the dark I could see those impressive eyes. Beautiful.

He gripped the back of my neck and our foreheads were pressed together, he was right up on his tip toes even though he had got me to stoop down.

He was still drunk, he had to be! There was no other way to explain this... I could feel his breath on his face and his eyes were screwed up tight. My heart was seriously pounding! Not laying a finger on him for weeks and suddenly this? My whole body was tingling with the urge to take it all one step further... I wanted him... I had wanted him for what felt like so long that I couldn't even remember how I survived bumbling along without him.

Just at that moment he pulled away and turned around, heading for the bumpy path we came up,

"Fuck, why the hell did you think it was a good idea to come here in the dark?"

* * *

"Fuck, why the hell did you think it was a good idea to come here in the dark?" I muttered.

I could still feel how he felt against me and I was just overwhelmingly pissed off. I had to stop having those moments of weakness dammit! I had done it _again_ I had let his cutesy attitude get the better of me and almost even kissed him.

Let me make one god damn thing clear. I was _not_ in love with Antonio. It was a freaking miracle that we were even friends. He was pretty much everything I hated- he was careless, over the top, too friendly for his own good.

One of those jackasses that seemed too good to be true.

"Want me to carry you down?" I heard that voice behind me and flushed red, thank fuck it was dark.

What the hell did he think was doing just asking things like that?! A vision of him scooping me up and carrying me like I was five year old flashed through my head and I shuddered. He could have done it way too easily. He always told me how light I was like it was actually something I enjoyed hearing.

Ugh. Just ugh.

I was starting to hate myself for the way I acted towards me more than I hated how he acted. I jumped from one rock to another, "Piss off." I answered his question.

But... I was glad I thanked him. Everyone and their damn mother knew that if it weren't for that moment of weakness I wouldn't have done it. If cramming my face in his shirt was what it took to stop the guilt of letting him do so much for nothing then fine, so be it. At least I didn't molest him for nothing.

Antonio was all I had that made me feel one hundred percent appreciated. That sounded so wierd but whatever, it was true.

He was all I had, even if he tumbled into my ending life looking like a fucking mess, doing creepy things like showing up at my door after one meeting...

He was the _best thing that ever happened to me_. He made me feel so valued I knew that he was all I ever needed as a friend.

"Fuck!" I shouted out. My head was full, I hadn't been thinking about where the hell I was treading. I gave a stupid embarrassing yell as my ass hit the rocks after me and clenched my jaw... "Ouch..." I swallowed hard, that was gonna hurt in the morning.

Hell, it hurt there and then.

"Lovi!" Holy crap, I was done for. Antonio had yelled my name like I had just slipped off the edge of a fucking cliff.

"This is too dark and slip-y." He was behind me all of a sudden, his hands gripping my sides to pull me up, "I'm carrying you, I know the path better, okay?"

And dammit I was up; I was being slung over his shoulder again, just dangling there like a dumbass, "I'm fucking fine! It was my shoelace!" I lied "Put me down!"

"Don't worry, I'm not tired- the walk was pretty refreshing, right?"

"Piss off, that's not what I'm talking about." I muttered but had accepted fate by then and sighed, letting 'Tonio concentrate on getting down without throwing the both of us onto the ground.

He was so overdramatic. He told me he was quiet one in his little group! I mean, that was kinda true considering those other two maniacs but still...

I pressed my forehead to his back; it was still warm even out here.

Maybe he just seemed like that to me because I hadn't had someone who made a fuss over _me_ before.

It was maybe a little refreshing having someone who I actually didn't have to fight for. I always felt second best in the past, either that or worse, I felt like they were ignoring me completely.

That mostly happened with people who didn't know I was sick. When people find out these things they tend to let their conscious get the better of them and they start to ask me about my illness like I haven't been asked a billion times before.

But when I don't tell them no one else does. That's a promise Feli and Grandpa made with me, if I said nothing they would say nothing. It was me who would be bombarded with sympathetic looks and generic comments after all.

It got real interesting when I tried to get other people with me on my own merit. Feli didn't even have to be there half the time. They would just look past me, try not to catch my eye, take that excruciating second of silence whenever I spoke.

It got so lonely I swear my heart had shrivelled up in my chest into a big knotted mess. Maybe it was because I got mad. Trying to get attention usually never went I how I wanted. With girls it was easier, I was Italian after all, but other guy friends seemed like a fantasy.

I would get loud and angry. It was like when a girl plays hard to get with a guy she likes by dummy punching him all the time and stuff but this wasn't someone who I wanted to date and it was way more extreme. Which put people off more.

Why the hell was I trying to think of that fucking cycle again? I had experienced it plenty, I didn't need that.

Antonio... Was a gift.

In the final months of my life I had been given the break I had been waiting for for so long. A break from all the frustration and anticipation... Someone who I could actually not talk around yet not worry that I was gonna start losing him.

I gripped his shirt hard and pressed my face right in, that's right; I had been finally blessed after all those shitty years.

Something on the bucket list had been ticked off, something that I never wrote down; to find my Antonio, my fucking _break_.

Hah.

I word like that like I didn't seen him as more than that.

We were pretty much at the bottom of the hill, he had been carrying me for a good ten minutes but my heart was beating like I had ran down the damn thing.

It was bound to happen.

Denial can't last forever for God's sake.

I was in love with my break.

Fuck.


	25. Chapter 25

_A/N: New chapter new chapter new chapter!_

_Thanks for reading and don't forget to drop me a review_

**Chapter Twenty-Five**

**Where did the Party Go? (It went home)**

I did love carrying Lovino, even if half the time he was yelling at me to put him down I still really loved it. It was like he just owned my shoulder; he was supposed to be there.

But carrying him like this did still have one downside...

At one point, I had to put him down.

So when we reached the bottom of the hill, even though we had a walk alone together to come I was still sad. He had been especially quiet on this one! He must have been sleepy, or thinking hard about something.

"You wanna go down here?"

I felt a half-hearted slap to the base of my back and his grumpy voice, "No shit, Sherlock."

I frowned, "But Lovi!" I was still worried; he went down pretty hard back there! "Is your butt gonna be okay?"

There was a second of stunned silence before he exploded... And he _seriously_ exploded! He started to hit and kick at me like crazy! It wasn't that bad and he didn't really hurt me but he always impressed me with how mad he could get so quick,

"What the hell!? Where the hell do you get off asking about my ass?! Fucking perv, quit touching me, godammit! Put me down!"

I pouted and lifted him off my shoulder, holding him up still, but away at arm's length like he was a kitten. He was so cute! Even in the dark I could see how red his face was- just from me mentioning his butt! "What's the matter? I'm just worried!"

He scowled at me, "Put me down, moron."

With a sad sigh I did as he said, he was muttering something crazy in Italian as he straightened out his clothes again.

That's when I noticed something a little odd... He kinda looked like he wanted to cry...

Oh no...

I shouldn't have pushed him to talk about his butt so much! I had probably seriously embarrassed him with all of that... And then I just went on like it didn't matter!

I reached out and grabbed his arms, surprising him a little, "What's the matter!?"

He looked at me like he had no idea what I was talking about, "Huh?"

"Lovi, you look like I really upset you..." My brow was knitted together in worry, I wanted this night to be perfect for him.

"What?!" He glared at me and started to walk back in the direction that we came from, scrubbing at him eyes, "This is nothing."

I jogged a few paces to catch up with him, "Was it me? Or did something upset you?" I pressed.

He didn't look at me, "Nothing. You were dangling me like that, you idiot, it was probably gravity."

I frowned, "Gravity... I didn't know that could make you cry!"

"I wasn't crying!"

I laughed and ruffled his hair, "Fine, fine... But if there's something on your mind, you know you can tell me, right, Lovi?"

He shoved my hand away, "Whatever! I'm fine, let's just find the others."

I pulled out my phone... Yikes three missed calls from Gilbert and four texts... Maybe I should have told one of them before I whisked Lovi away so suddenly!

I scrolled down to the last text, ignoring the others... Thank goodness it didn't seem too frantic.

Put my phone away, "They left!" I started walking a little quicker; feeling a little bad for confusing them so much, "They're waiting at the McDonalds."

Lovi also picked up his pace to match mine, "What are we doing after that? What's actually open?"

I shrugged, "We'll find out..." I looked at him, "Are you having a good time?"

He looked up at me suspiciously, "Right just now?"

I shrugged, "Kinda..." I nudged him, "This is your thing... We're here for you because of your bucket list remember?"

He hesitated, "I don't know." He admitted, "It's been up and down I guess."

That was disappointing, "Oh..."

"But I'm glad I'm doing it."

I perked up at that, "You are?"

He nodded, "Why the fuck else would I write it down? I felt like a normal guy in there for once, hell, I never wrote it down because I thought I'd have fun!"

I furrowed my brow, "I don't get it..."

He smirked and shoved my arm, "Then quit worrying about it."

I opened my mouth to try and get him to explain before shrugging it off and smiling to myself... Just as long as he was happy to be there I was too.

**.oO0Oo.**

We met back up with Francis and Gilbert a little while after, they were not amused with the state of us,

"My, my..." He rose from his seat as we came in to McDonald's, swaying a little, "What happened to you both?! You're more morbid than nuns at a funeral!"

"Who the fuck died!?" Gilbert yelled from behind him. Gilbert was so slouched that he looked like he was morphing into part of the red seat! He looked at Lovi and laughed loudly, "Did you go early!?"

I widened my eyes at that. That was in fact the first time either of my friends had actually referenced Lovi's condition, "Gilbert!" I exclaimed, "No!"

Lovi just walked on past me, I kept my eyes on him but thankfully he didn't look like he had taken offence, "We went walking, basically you guys are friends with a moron."

I frowned as Lovi sat and I scooted onto the bench beside him, "That's not nice."

"Hush hush!" Francis pushed two large branded cups towards each of us. It was so strange the way he did it. Lovi and I looked at each other simultaneously, it was like we were being presented with the blue pill and the red pill, "Just drink up we bought you both a milkshake."

Gilbert suddenly sat up and cackled.

I grinned and picked up the cup, nice and cold! "Thanks guys! You always know what I like!"

"What the fuck is this!?" Next to me Lovi had started to cough and splutter, he had just taken a big sip of his milkshake, "'Tonio drink it!"

Uh oh... Gilbert was no laughing hysterically... This was suspicious.

"What's wrong with it?"

Lovi paused in rubbing his tongue with his sleeve to hiss over to me, "Just try it!"

I blinked a few times but slowly raised the straw to my lips and sucked.

I almost choked when it hit my tongue! I knew straight away what got Lovi in such a state...

This was full of vodka!

I pulled the straw away immediately, "You guys!" I cried, struggling to swallow the weird mix of artificial strawberry and burning cheap vodka, "Why?!"

Francis flashed us the bottle... Where was he getting half of this from? "_Mon ami_! You did not think you could take on the rest of the night sober did you? We had a feeling you would have mellowed by the time we regrouped."

"So you freaking poison us?!"Lovi still looked like he was recovering from his first taste, "What the hell!?"

"Ah shut up, you're dying anyway." Gilbert was slouched back down, "Drink it!"

Lovi flipped off Gil' before pushing the cup away, "Get lost."

"Hey!" Francis frowned, "You can't waste it!"

"Then you drink it you piece of shit."

"Ah, ah, ah..." Francis picked the cup up and put the straw to those cute pink lips, "No need to speak like that..." He slipped the straw into Lovi's mouth, "There we are!"

"I'm only trying to look after you both." Francis sighed as he lifted my milkshake and put it to my lips too... I think Lovi felt like he wanted to prove something because suddenly he was gulping it down, glaring darkly at the other two across the table. He wasn't even blinking!

Oh well... I guess I didn't want to let them all down... I winced as I took my second sip- even without the shock factor it was still gross... Actually, Lovi probably had the right idea by just going for it.

This was for him... This was all gonna be worth it to make him happy!

"You guys are fucking idiots!" Gilbert started to laugh again, "They're really going for it!"

Lovi didn't even say anything he just gave Gilbert the finger and concentrated on keeping going.

He finished first, he even looked a little pale as he pulled the straw away from himself and threw the cup at Gil', "Ugh! Worst thing of my fucking life!"

I finished a little after Lovi, scrubbing at my mouth with the back of my arm, shuddering, "That was pretty gross guys." I agreed.

"Yeah yeah..." Gilbert gave me a playful kick under the table, "Just wait for it to kick in and you'll be thanking us!"

**.oO0Oo.**

Pretty much everything after that was a blur.

According to Francis was stayed in that Mcdonald's until five am doing goodness knows what. Basically we had breakfast there before getting kicked out. Somehow after that we found ourselves in Gilberts place on the floor surrounded by fries, we woke up at around four pm desperate for water and painkillers.

But we couldn't stop completely, sure we gave ourselves a break, we all sat in Gilbert's room for about five hours talking about random stuff.

No one remembers anything after that. All we did figure out was that the traffic cone on Gilbert's kitchen counter really wasn't his!

On Monday morning we woke up earlier. Lovi was first, we were all on Gilbert's floor and I opened my eyes to see him sitting at the foot of Gilbert's bed, his knees to his chest... He looked sad...

That got me up, "Lovi..." My voice was hoarse, "What's the matter?"

He looked up at me, realising I was awake. The other two were still passed out totally.

"I'm really tired..." He put his face in his hands, "I wanna go home."

I stood up and joined him sitting on the bed, putting an arm around him. Poor guy... We should have known this would be too much for him. But I didn't say any of that, I just wanted to focus on cheering him up, "It's okay, we're gonna head back today... We'll get something to eat and get the train, okay? You'll be back hours before dinner."

He nodded. The plan really was that we'd stay here for a few hours but I had a feeling Lovi would just be miserable.

"We'll have that movie night soon." I reminded him, "That'll be nice, huh?"

He nodded again, "I just wanna sleep properly..." He suddenly made a grumbling noise, "Great, I have a group of six idiots who get to watch me suffer later."

I laughed, "They'll understand."

We had pancakes for breakfast, courtesy of Francis who kept mumbling that he was 'dead on the inside'. The other two actually looked relieved when I broke it that we weren't actually sticking around. I didn't blame them- I think we'd all forgotten how hard it was to function on mornings like these.

The walk to the train station was actually better than any of thought it would be. I was like a cool gust was sweeping though my head and clearing all the fuzzy cobwebs and mothballs. I think it helped Lovi too, if the colour that came back to his cheeks was anything to go by.

"I see where the appeal is." Francis told me in a low voice the moment we were out of the other two's earshot.

"Huh?" I looked at him in surprise; Gilbert and Lovino were bickering again over train tickets. I swear those two were just like siblings, "You mean with Lovi?" I frowned, "I hope he wasn't too brash, I swear he's really a cutie."

Francis laughed, "Brash he was! But fear not, I'm not put off of him."

"It kind of suits him, right."

Francis nodded, "As I said, I understand and suppose I can't really judge you."

My face warmed as I thought of my betrayal. I still felt guilty for that, like I had fallen in love with Lovi just to spite them because they unintentionally made me feel alone. It wasn't that, Lovi was a lot more but it still felt that way.

"I can't help how I feel." I pointed out more to myself than anyone else.

Francis put a finger up to stop me before I started to excuse myself, "_Oui_, _oui_." He sighed and grinned, "I would expect more of you, if anyone would be to understand it would obviously be _moi_."

I laughed quietly, he was right about that, "But Gilbert wouldn't."

Francis agreed with a sober nod, "No, you're right, he wouldn't. Typical of that man, he is in love yet fails to understand it."

I smiled, "So long as he's happy."

"So long as he's happy." Francis repeated, "But no matter how much he warmed to the boy he can't know."

"I know. Do you think he suspects?"

Francis laughed loudly, "To be honest it would probably take you passionately making love to Lovino in front of him for Gilbert to catch on. You should still take care, you do mean a lot to him."

I nodded and pulled Francis in for a tight hug, "Thank you for being so good about this..."

Francis patted my back, "I don't think the way things have gone was desirable for anyone's situation, but I'm French, I know not to try and dissuade matters of love."

"Hey, hey, hey!" Just on cue Gilbert came on over, "What's the hugging for?"

I pulled away from Francis, "Just to say goodbye!"

"And I wasn't invited?" He smirked.

"Aw Gil'!" I smiled wide; I hated keeping secrets against this guy, even if it was for his own good it felt mean. Even if he looked a little intimidating, no one wanted to be mean to Gilbert, "Come here!"

He laughed and suddenly I was trapped in a tight hug, We were actually similar in height and build, Francis being the slightly more slender one of us three, but somehow at times like this Gilbert felt bigger.

We were on the platform minutes after that, my hand was on Lovi's shoulder like he was a little kid(he did _not_ like that) as we watched the train roll in.

"Thanks again guys." I looked at them as Gilbert sipped his vending machine energy drink, "I really appreciate you coming out with us."

Francis laughed, "Well you know it wouldn't have been the same without me!"

I smiled and nudged him lightly, "You're right, it wouldn't have been."

Franics then looked very touched and Gilbert groaned,

"Don't fucking agree with him, it gets it all choked up!" He sighed heavily, "Right before you leave? Now I'm gonna have to deal with it."

Francis started to pull a satin handkerchief from his sleeve just as the doors opened, "Go!" He started to wave it, "The both of you! Go on to your new adventures without us!"

Francis gave these dramatics all the time, but they always got me, "Come with us! You too, Gil'."

Francis looked all ready to get on the train with us, if it weren't for Gilbert grabbing his collar I was sure he would come with us,

"I've got work later and this guy has a meeting with clients." He pulled Francis a few paces back, away from the train, "Just come back soon instead, right?"

Lovi was on the train already and pulling my arm so I would join him as I waved goodbye, "I will! Bye guys!"

I stepped on to train just in time for the door to shut and the carriage to start moving. I just caught Gilbert's wave back and as we found seats Lovi and I watched as Francis ran down the platform, waving the handkerchief as he went. Gilbert was just a black and white figure behind him, yelling.

Once we could no longer see them I sat back in my seat and looked across to Lovi who looked like he had never been happier to sit down for a few hours in his life.

"Crazy assholes." He said after a few moments.

I laughed, "Yeah we're all crazy... But they're nice right? I think they took to you pretty well."

He rolled his eyes, "They're not your pets." He nodded, "Best crazy assholes I ever met."

I beamed at him, a sense of accomplishment filling me up, "That's something else off the bucket list!"

He nodded in silence. The next thing I knew he was fast asleep.


	26. Chapter 26

_A/N: I'm really excited for this chapter! I hope you like it, I had a lot of fun writing it..._

_Thanks for reading- please review~~_

**Chapter Twenty Six**

**Life Imitates Art**

I didn't go to see Lovi the next day. I had a lot to catch up on for work, my emails had gone crazy from stockers and stuff, and I was busy making sure everything was still okay in the café.

Besides, he probably wanted a little while to recover! Once I woke him up and drove him back to the hospital the poor guy looked like a zombie… It would have been cute seeing him so quiet but I was too busy worrying that he might faint to be thinking about that.

I escorted him back to his room, somehow I didn't think he'd make it alone. To his relief (I think- he didn't actually speak) not much was going on with the other guys in there. Two were out and the rest didn't look very interested, too busy reading or knitting.

The one Lovi thought was scary was gone too! His bed was made and it kinda looked like he wasn't even using it anymore… Oh gosh, had he moved rooms?

I couldn't really dwell on it, I just had to help Lovi into bed like he was an old man. He didn't thank me, probably too out of it… I just took his hand and gave it a quick squeeze because I couldn't kiss his forehead like I wanted too and left.

He texted me later that night to say he was feeling better, but I don't think either of us were desperate to have me over the next day; he was sickly and I was really growing out of that stuff, we couldn't just bounce back- we needed time to recover.

But the next excitement came before either of us knew it!

I was meeting both the Vargas brothers at the university entrance at noon. It was the open day- it had rushed around so quickly! I had to say, I was pretty excited. Even if I wasn't gonna study there in the future and it was debatable whether Feliciano (probably the one who would got most out of this) would ever enrol, letting them try out a real lecture would be a great experience.

"Sorry guys!" I panted a little, I had ran to the, "Parking killed me! Were you waiting long?"

Feliciano shook his head, "It was fine! We've been talking, right, Lovi?"

Lovi didn't seem to agree, "Why are you always late, jackass?"

I grinned, Wow… Such a contrast between brothers!

"Well let's go!" I walked between them, putting my arms around the shoulders of each of them, "Ten minutes until the first one starts."

I had asked Feli and Lovi to choose a subject or two each. Lovi had obviously never thought about what subjects he liked before in his life! That was clear from his choice of two that couldn't be more different- Genetics and one on Law. But they were both _way_ more difficult sounding and serious than I would have ever imagined him picking… When he told me what he wanted imagining Lovi as a scientist or studying Law made me really happy… Probably because we didn't consider his future very often.

With Feli not only did he pick just what I expected, but he picked it straight away. When I gave him the list I think the only reason he read it was to check it was definitely on there. He chose Fine Art without even a hint of second thought.

Luckily things worked out pretty well and all the lectures were packed in close together. There wouldn't be any waiting around this way but we still got enough time to find the rooms in between. Afterwards we could still explore the grounds if we wanted… I was gonna make a day of this!

We found the room okay for the first Genetics lecture- both of Lovi's came first but I don't think Feli minded waiting. He was just glad to see his brother doing something for once!

"You wanna choose seats?" I asked Lovi who was hanging back a little behind us. We got in before it was too crowed- we could made the most of that!

He sighed and shrugged… That was weird, he usually had an opinion, "Wherever you guys want."

"No way!" I ushered him in front of us, "Come on, this one is your thing."

He silently sat down in the seat right next to where we were standing, "Then this is fine."

I frowned, "Right at the back?"

"It's fine!" He insisted, "Just get your asses down."

"I slowly sat down next to him, "Don't you wanna be near the front?"

He shrugged, "If you're so bothered you pick somewhere."

I looked at him with concern, "Okay… We can sit here."

"Toni'!" Feli grabbed my arm once we were settled, "He's been grumpy all day! What's the matter with him?"

I looked at Feli in surprise, "You mean you don't know? I was about to ask you…"

We both glanced at Feli, he was looking straight ahead at the welcome slide on the board, "He looks really mad!" Feli sounded pretty distressed and it was starting to rub off on me… But this was Feli's day more than it was mine.

"Don't worry about it." I told Feli as confidently as I could, "I bet he just didn't go to bed early enough last night."

The great thing about Feli was he was so easy to cheer up sometimes… When he was told not to worry he probably wouldn't unless it was a big thing. He brightened up with my explanation, "That's it!" I exclaimed, even though it probably wasn't, "He'll get better, he just needs to wake up a little more."

I watched Lovi carefully... Did something I say put him in a bad mood? As far as I knew, he had been excited for this! It was something to get him out of bed, he always liked that.

A tall willowy looking woman entered before I could think anymore about it. She looked gentle, but she was paper pale, it kinda had me wondering if she had _ever_ been in the sun. She was definitely tall but she was thin, she wasn't unattractive, she just looked wise to me, and like she had control without things like raising her voice.

It turns out I was right about that, after only a few minutes of standing at the front without even saying a word the room was silent and watching her.

She welcomed us, her voice wasn't loud but everyone was so quiet that it didn't need to be. We all sat for a little while as she went through what separated this from the normal lectures- the thank you-s for coming, the explanation as to why everyone should study genetics... But before everyone zoned out she took a breath and smiled,

"Right. Now that's been said, let's get started, huh?"

I leaned forward, trying to peek at Lovi's face. Nothing... He didn't look excited; he just stared out at the board, his chin resting on his hand, his eyes blank and his lips slightly pursed.

What was wrong with him?

"... They define us. So, of course we have tried to understand genetics. We all already know that they come from the makeup of the sperm and the female ovule, when they come together they become a single cell..."

The lecturer, her name was Miriam, was still talking in her soft voice. Everyone seemed to be drinking in what she was saying but it was going right over my head. I wasn't really a science guy.

I was stuck. Did I ask Lovi if he was okay or did I leave him be? I didn't want him to be angry during his choice, especially if he was worked up over something easy to fix- maybe it was because I was late... But I was late all the time and we hadn't missed anything!

Or maybe he really was just grumpy because he didn't get enough sleep, or I was imagining things, or maybe his coffee was cold this morning. Lovi was never simple...

If I asked him why he seemed so mad I could make it better! But I could also make things worse. I couldn't tell if he was enjoying this on not. If he was I would feel terrible if I disturbed him.

"... Genetic variations such as blue eyes verus brown eyes are down to which is dominant- however your parents may both have brown eyes and you have blue. Why is this? Perhaps your grandmother has blue eyes..."

The lecture was an hour and a half long. Lovi barely did anything more than blink and breath. Had he fallen asleep? People could do that right? Sleep with their eyes open?

I did try to listen in; Miriam talked about chromosomes, sections of a chromosome, little tables that I forgot the name of after two minutes... The PowerPoint slides and the board was covered in big and little letters...

My head was hurting even though all I was actually trying to do was listen to the words!

Maybe I just wasn't suited for this kind of thing...

**.oO0Oo.**

Turns out, I wasn't really suited to Law either!

Actually, it was better; I liked listening to the guy who was talking even if none of it was really taken in. It was kinda fun learning where laws came from, what happened when they were broken.

Lovi leaned forward a little more for this one... Though I wasn't actually sure if that was a good thing.

He still hadn't seemed to have cheered up.

Luckily, I managed to shelter Feli from his brother's mood. Once we exited the law department he was obviously excited, Feli had never really shown any interest in this kind of thing, he liked art, I knew that, but now I was starting to wonder if he really did want something more than what he got with me and his other jobs.

Feliciano had been my longest employee for a reason; no one else I hired actually saw the cafe as a long term job prospect. That wasn't because I chose the ones were maybe moms trying to get back into work, or like Arthur just needed something to keep them going until they went home on purpose, it was really just because no one applied thinking that this was gonna be their permanent career.

I asked Feli where we should sit this time. It was his turn to lead the group, and unlike Lovi, he didn't just shrug and point at the nearest seats. Feli walked down right near the front. Not the very first row, but close.

"We need to make sure we can hear everything!" He pulled my arm so that we were right in the middle, "Look!" He pointed to the PowerPoint slide, "That's my favourite Michel Angelo!"

I smiled and gave a small sigh of relief. Even if Lovi was unexplainably moody today, it certainly wasn't a waste of time. Maybe seeing how happy Feliciano was would cheer Lovi up too!

I certainly felt happy for him. Feli did a lot and it was great that he was able to have fun today.

A square looking guy led this one. I felt bad for thinking so, but he really didn't look like the kind of person who taught Fine Art... Not much about him seemed refined!

I was able to grasp this one better too! Robert, the professor, didn't just talk about art but he showed us what he was talking about. If he spoke about the features of an artist he would point to what he meant. That helped a lot!

Around thirty minutes in Feli leaned over to whisper to me, "Ludwig will be so happy when I tell him how much I learned today!"

I just smiled; I didn't need to say I agreed because we both knew it was true!

"So can anyone identify this painting?"

"Oh!" Suddenly Feli's hand was in the air... Oh my... It was the only one!

I turned to look at the picture in question. I had never seen it before... But it was beautiful.

There was a tense pause, the Professor was looking at Feliciano like he was trying to decide if he was being serious or not,

"Yes?" He blinked, and pointed to Feli, "You think you can tell?"

Feli swallowed hard and nodded, suddenly seeming nervous. I wasn't surprised; suddenly the whole room was looking at him!

"It's a Caravaggio, right?" His voice was small, but he seemed pretty confident, "There's lots of space... It's really detailed." He swallowed. No one spoke so he carried on, "Caravaggio was known for being detailed even more than anyone else. That girl in the painting, you can see the dirt of the bottom of her feet." He shrugged, "It looks like it was probably his."

I looked at Feli in awe; I think everyone else was too. Even if he was wrong and it wasn't by Caravaggio, the fact he managed to make such an educated guess was impressive enough! He got all that and spotted all those things and matched a painter to them in no time at all.

I almost felt guilty for underestimating Feli. He was stuck in my cafe cleaning tables and pouring coffee. The more I thought about it the more amazed I was- he couldn't possibly have been taught that by anyone else; he dropped out of high school way before they would teach him anything like that. I knew he had joined an art class, but they wouldn't go that deep... He must have taught that all to himself in the little free time he had.

"That's..." The Professor moved on to the next slide. The same painting came up but this time with a caption,

_Caravaggio  
Death of the Virgin_

"That's exactly right!" continued the Professor, "This is Death of the Virgin from the 1600s... I'm amazed you recognised it!"

Feli blushed and looked down, "I like art..." He said and shrugged.

That was the only time Feli spoke for the rest of the lecture. I didn't say anything, but what happened really stuck in my mind... I really felt like he didn't belong in the cafe. He was such a great waiter but it just seemed like such a waste of his talent. He loved art... He should have been doing what he loved.

Could I really just say that though? It was obvious why he was at the cafe rather than here, it was because of Lovi.

How would Lovi feel? He knew he was keeping Feli back; it didn't matter if he couldn't help it- of course Lovi wasn't at all guilty for any of this! But it was so obvious that Lovi felt like a burden. Now I was getting why.

I would feel guilty too.

I wanted to tell Feli how impressed I was, as we got out I was desperate to grab him but someone beat me to it...

"I have to say," A familiar voice addressed Feli, "I didn't expect anyone to answer my question- no one else has so far."

Startled, Feli spun around to see the Professor from the lecture approach, "Oh!" He exclaimed, "Sir!"

I couldn't quite decide if seeing the guy who could have gone over to around 200 people deciding to talk to Feli surprised me or not. It certainly surprised me less than it did for Feli- he wouldn't have ever guessed this might happen!

Robert laughed, but didn't let Feli's wide eyed confusion put him off, "Where did you learn to identify art like that?" He sounded casual but I could (and I think Lovi could- he pricked up despite his sulkiness) tell there was a little bit of seriousness in there too.

Feli shrugged, "I-I just like it!" He was nervous… Poor guy, Feli always looked like he was being interrogated at times like this.

"So does everyone here, but they all looked as blank as I expected them to." He smiled and put a heavy hand on Feli's shoulder, "No need to be so nervous, I'm just curious."

Nodding Feli looked down for a second but seemed to use the moment to gather his confidence, "I find it interesting that we can tell who painted something without even looking at the name… It's fun to research… When I got into it I started to memorise the giveaways like the ones I said. It's just really fun!"

The professor nodded and looked at me so we could exchange a look of approval. I hoped he didn't mistake me for someone important, "You're thinking of studying here? What's your name?"

Feli faltered, clearing his throat- there was a tense moment, I hoped he remember he had to say yes to make sure we avoided trouble,

Feli stumbled over his words but still did what he needed to, "Yes! I don't know, probably, maybe!"

"I'd like to see you in my classes." The professor elaborated, "I think you have a real talent."

Feli blushed, "I just memorised it all…"

The professor shook his head, "You were far too competent for that. What was your name?"

"Oh! Feliciano Vargas..."

"I'll keep my eyes open for your application, Feliciano." He looked between him, me, and Lovi, "All of you, have a nice day."

**.oO0Oo.**

I dropped Feli off first.

I knew by then he couldn't stay in the café. I didn't know how but he had to go to that university- he belonged there! And he was capable of so much more than café work!

I said nothing. I just congratulated him on getting such high praise but kept quiet other than that… If I tried to start a conversation then with no good suggestions I would probably just frustrate the three of us.

I would upset Feli at the very mention of the money- he worked his butt off to pay for hospital bills already, even with that they were struggling to keep afloat. Add school fees and take up some of the time Feli could work in? Just not possible.

I would make Lovi feel worse than he already did- I knew how much he felt like a burden and if we were to talk about money struggles he would think even I saw him as a burden now.

And I would just feel bad because of how unfair the world is.

I wanted to talk to Lovi before dropping him off so I found the Vargs house with instruction from both of them.

I don't know what I was expecting their place to look like… I guess I thought I would roll up beside somewhere that just looked like it obviously belonged to them. How it would look like they lived there I didn't know.

But weirdly enough, I parked next to a small but ordinary house. The lawn needed work, the car was covered in a film of dust from lack of use and the windows were a little dirty but aside from that…

Anyone could have lived there.

It was a little disappointing- both of these guys had started to b what my world evolved around- to see them blending in proved that they weren't actually the centre of the universe. All three of us were just as insignificant or as significant as the houses on either side of that one. Everyone on the street had problems, tragedies and challenges.

It was kinda like Gilbert and Francis warned me. I was getting sucked into their tiny little world of misery like it was the only thing left in life. Once Lovi, the centre point, had gone, what was there gonna be for me?

I found a parking space at the hospital and turned off the engine. I wasn't letting Lovi go until he explained his mood and knowing him that might take a while to coax out of him.

"Bye." Lovi reached for the door handle but I grabbed the back of his shirt before he could get too far.

"Lovi…" I kept my voice soft, worried about what I was gonna hear from him.

"What?"

"What's the matter."

He clicked his tongue, "What the hell? Nothing."

He couldn't fool me, "You've been in a bad mood all day! Did something happen?"

Sighing he sat back down and took his hand away from the handle, "You always make such a funn over crap like this!"

I smiled wryly and shrugged, "I care about you too much I guess."

He looked out the windscreen and swallowed hard, "Ivan's dead."

I felt like I had swallowed ice… How could I possibly have expected something so severe?

"What?"

He nodded, "The big scary guy." His eyes were wet, "It happened while we were gone… They didn't expect it, it was so sudden." He sniffed and started to tell me everything.

Yao was the one who let him know last night. Lovi said he noticed the mood in the room was low but only started to think about it when he realised how long Ivan's bed had been empty for. Ivan had been fine the night before, he was even more chatty than usual. Yao had been spending longer in the bathroom since it happened and he had started to get angry at the nurses once he told Lovi the story. Talking about it must have stirred up feelings Yao had suppressed at the time because he started to make a scene when a senior nurse come to give him medication. He said they should have paid more attention and Ivan wasn't meant to die- he was meant to live for over a month more. None of the others wanted to talk about it… I could only imagine how it must have felt to wake up in the same room as a dead body… Not only a body but someone you knew.

"I'm so fucking scared!" Lovi had been working himself up into a state as he spoke, "He had a month and half left!" He scrubbed his eyes, "He never got to…" Suddenly Lovi turned very pale, "I'm leaving." I said suddenly and got out of the car before I could stop him.

"Wait!" I cried and immediately scrambled out and ran after Lovi, he couldn't let the conversation end that way while the emotions were bubbling away in his mind, "Come back!"

I caught up to him and grabbed his arm. To my surprise Lovi came right to me, letting me drag him against me like he wasn't even trying to get away.

"I don't even know if I'll wake up tomorrow! Ivan didn't know it was his last day!" He was almost shouting but I let him. This was what he needed, "That's why he didn't tell Yao he liked him! Or called his mom!" Lovi was pressed against me, gripping my shirt like his fear was making him want to morph into my healthier body, "I always assumed I'd know if it was my last night."

I put my hand in his hair and gave a deep sigh. What could I say?

"I promise you'll wake up in the morning." I said, "And you'll see me… There's a karaoke night at the university tomorrow to celebrate the las few days... That's on the bucket list right?"

"You can't promise that shit and that's what scares me."

I knew he was right. I couldn't promise that, I would have promise Ivan the same thing on the night he died if it were him I got to know instead of Lovi.

"Just believe me." I insisted, "I'll see you tomorrow."

He looked up at me, accepting that the only thing he could do now was take me word.

"You promise?"

"I promise."


	27. Chapter 27

_A/N: ANNNND HERE'S THE NEXT CHAPTER : D_

_Thanks for reading as always please review!_

**Chapter Twenty-seven**

I picked Lovi up the next evening, I had confirmed with him earlier that day that he was gonna try this karaoke thing. It wasn't a conversation, just an exchange over texts. I did really wanna speak to him about the night before but I felt it would be wrong if I didn't do that stuff face to face.

He got into the car heavily, I watched his face. Our texts had been emotionless, I had been busy at the time and I guess I gave Lovi nothing to go off... This was my first chance to gage how he really felt!

He sighed deeply before closing his eyes and looking down...

He smiled.

It wasn't a big one but he might as well have been bouncing off the walls with excitement given the relief I felt as I looked at him.

"Ivan had his funeral today." His voice was steady.

"Did you go?"

Lovi shook his head, "The only one from the room who went was Yao... I didn't know him very well and the family wanted it to be personal." He flinched like something had hit him, "I heard his mom had brought his teddy bear for him."

I thought of a tearful loving woman putting a soft stuffed animal beside her son's cold face. She thought she had longer... I could hardly imagine the pain of finding out about her son when she probably still said 'I'll see you tomorrow' after visits and didn't hug or kiss him because that didn't seem urgent yet... I swallowed hard. I had to be the strong one who could make promises.

"How do you feel?" I wanted to put my hand on his, it would have felt right to do so but I held back. Would he really want my unwelcome advances at a time like this?

He took a breath, "Better... Your promise worked. I'm still here."

I laughed, trying to inject the usual bright nonsense back into our friendship, "I told you it would!"

He nodded, "I'm still freaked out as fuck... But I feel a little better somehow."

I started the car, still revelling in relief that he wasn't as upset as the night before,

"What song do you wanna sing?" I nudged him, "It's another big moment!"

Out of the corner of my eye I saw him shoot a glance at me... Okay so my attempt at shifting the mood might have felt a little odd but I couldn't look back at that. I couldn't admit that I was trying to distract him otherwise it wouldn't work.

"I don't fucking know." He took my lead and stepped away from Ivan to think about more trivial things, "What do they even have?"

I frowned, "Don't you know what songs they usually have for karaoke?"

"I've never been!" He got defensive immediately. Ah, he was okay now, "That's why I'm going now, dumbass."

"You've gotta know some..." I wracked my brain for a second, "It's cheesy stuff!"

"Cheesy stuff... Like...?"

It took me a moment to realise that this was a question and he wasn't planning to continue, "Oh! Like..."

There was another moment of silence... My mind had gone totally blank! I couldn't think of anything!

Fed up with the pauses Lovi broke the silence, "For Christ sake!" He started to look amongst the clutter surrounding the gearstick, "Where the hell is your phone?!" He yanked open the glove compartment, "I'm Googling this shit."

He grabbed my phone from where I had put it on the dashboard and flipped it open, "That doesn't have internet!" I reminded him quickly.

He made a frustrated noise and shut it aggressively, "Get out of the fucking stone age, 'Tonio!"

I didn't even realise I was laughing so hard until he stopped talking... It had just started to seep out and now I couldn't stop!

"What's so damn funny?" He tossed my phone back to where he found it.

"You!" I exclaimed, "You're so amazing, Lovi."

I looked at him for a second to smile and noticed blush fill his cheeks. He huffed and turned away to look out the window, his arms folded.

He was so cute. He talked all tough but the second someone told him how great he was he would be like a turtle going into his shell.

"Where's your phone?" I asked, knowing if I didn't say something there would just be silence again.

"Beside my bed charging."

"Oh dear."

There was a few seconds of nothing again before he spoke up, "You do realise you have an ice cream tub in the glove compartment?"

That took me by surprise! "Huh!? Why!?"

"Don't ask me, idiot ask yourself!" He clicked his tongue, "And it didn't even fit right, it's been jammed right in there. It's a family sized tub godammit!" He sighed, "Someone really wanted to see it in there."

I chuckled and glanced down to look for myself... Gosh, there it was! How strange, I didn't even eat ice cream much.

But while I was peeking in my eyes also landed on something else, an old CD I had crammed in next to the tub.

"Mariah Carey!" I cried.

"What?"

I reached across and pulled out the battered CD case, tossing it onto Lovi's lap, "They'll do her stuff."

"So a Christmas song?" He rolled his eyes, "Fan-fucking-tastic."

"She's done way more than that!" I thought for a second all the cheesy, corny songs were coming back in a huge tidal wave- "Or you could do The Spice Girls! ABBA! Or..." A perfect idea struck me as an image of Lovi's ipod came to mind, "Brittany Spears!"

He raised a brow at that, "Huh?"

I shrugged, turning into the gates of the university, "You listen to her right? You said you thought she was catchy!"

"You remembered that shit…?" He murmured, more to himself that me. I was glad I did remember if it made him that starry eyed, "I don't know, maybe."

I smiled at I slid into a parking spot, "There will be something you know." I turned the engine off and nudged his ribs, "Are you nervous?" I teased.

"What the hell? No!" That was an obvious lie, "Why would I be?"

I got out the car and went around to help Lovi out his seat, "Don't be. Nobody will judge you!"

"I said I _wasn't_ nervous!" He insisted.

I just laughed. No matter what I was making sure this guy got up and sang something… Without him doing that we wouldn't have done what the bucket list said! And even if he said nothing, he'd probably be angry at himself.

I had been thinking a lot about the bucket list since the news of Ivan's early passing… Maybe we really didn't have all the time we thought we had.

I had had a lot of conflicting feelings- try to rush and we might not enjoy things like we could if we took it slow, and Lovi wasn't able to get too stressed… Him fainting at the café when he was angry with Ludwig was still fresh in my mind.

But for obvious reasons we couldn't take it too slow. How long had I know him? Two and a half months? Maybe more?

We couldn't use all that time either. Lovi may have been weak, but in comparison to how he was gonna be in matter of weeks he was a picture of strength.

We found the small function room easily. It was what you'd expect from a small educational institution- there were large bowls of nibbles and pop that had never been refrigerated sitting in bottles next to stacks of plastic cups. The lights had been dimmed slightly and there were coloured light cannon like things that made the place seem a little more fun.

The karaoke machine was definitely the main event- it was huge! And projections of the lyrics were on the walls either side of the guy and his two friends who were having so much fun singing 'Someone like you' that they kept on laughing into the microphone over the music.

We had intentionally arrived half an hour late, we didn't want to be first here and I didn't want us to wait around for it to start in case watching people set up made Lovi feel nervous and gave him cold feet!

We found a small table for two in the middle of the room and sat side by side, facing the three guys who had probably had something a little stronger than lukewarm coke... They did look a little older after all.

"They're terrible." Lovi leaned forward on the table, unimpressed.

I laughed, "Well it's not like you have to be good to do this! It's not really a contest." I looked over to the drinks and snacks, I didn't know how long we were gonna be here and Lovi could always do with sustenance, "Can I get you something?"

He shook his head, "Some piece of shit probably sneezed on those chips and my immune system is a fucking wreck."

I frowned...Maybe that was true, I was always grossed out by things like salad bars where the food was just sitting there, "Or I could grab something else? We passed a few places to buy snacks."

He nudged my ribs, "Don't be stupid, I'm fine."

"Oh it won't take me any time at all! Or if you want something free I could get stuff from the cafe... We have carrot cake that needs eaten, it won't be fresh soon."

He tore his eyes away from the next group of five girls heading up on the stage to pick a song and looked at me, "I have actually had dinner. I'm not hungry."

"But-!"

He didn't let me go on, "I want something I'll _tell_ you... Jeeze, you need to calm down dammit."

I sat back in my chair and stopped feeling around for my car keys in my jacket pocket, "Okay... But don't go hungry!"

He raised his hand and playfully rapped his knuckles off the side of my head, "I won't, dummy."

I smiled at that, 'dummy'... He was so cute!

We watched without talking for a while- most of the singing was just yelling but it was good fun watching for sure! And it was a great way to figure out what songs there were available. One guy did sing Brittany Spears; I think his friends dared him!

"Any idea of what you wanna sing yet?" I asked after a girls rendition of 'Part of that World' which was surprisingly very good.

He shrugged, "We don't have to sing anything..."

I knew this would happen! "Don't say that! The bucket list you had to _sing_ karaoke! Not watch it!"

He scowled, "I'll get laughed at! Everyone else is laughing at the shitty ones."

I leaned closer as 'Never Gonna Give You Up' started, "They're laughing _with_ them, not _at_ them. It's daunting now but once you're up there you'll have fun."

He hung his head back, "I'll look like I dumbass!"

I laughed, "They won't if you're with me!"

That got his attention, "What?"

I grinned, "We'll go up together. Lots of people are doing that- we'll find a duet."

He pursed his lips and shrugged but he sure did seem a little less hesitant, "Like what?"

I stood up, "Let's just see what there is!"

With that I hurried off to find the sheet to say we wanted a go,

"Wait!" He yelled after me but was too late. I squinted in the dim lighting as I put our names down, two more after this one and we were up! If he really didn't want to do by the time our turn came around he could back out easily, but I felt like it was good that I was giving him a push along.

I waved at him on my way back to our table, he showed me his middle finger,

"You know…" I sat back down, "You can go score our names out easy if it's such a big problem."

He rolled his eyes and say back, "I'm not gonna do that, asshole."

I laughed, I knew he wanted this really, "Then that's great! We've got this person then two more before us."

He nodded before heavily exhaling, "Just tell me what the hell we're singing."

I thought for a few seconds, "Hmm… I think we should just go up and choose together! Since we're definitely doing a duet together."

"Hmpf." He shot me a dark look, "You better not make me look stupid."

I laughed loudly, "Oh Lovi!" I clapped him on the back, "That's what this is all about!"

Shut his eyes and rubbed his temple, "Fuck me. This is gonna be a mess."

**.oO0Oo.**

I had to prise Lovi of his seat when the time came for us to go pick a song. He was stuck on it like a barnacle!

"It'll be fun!" I urged him, guiding him up towards the stage, "You can't back out now!"

I finally got him in front of the computer and told by a man in a dark polo shirt to pick what I wanted but try to avoid any of the last three that had been sung. That made sense- didn't want people to think things were getting repetitive.

I clicked the duet section and pulled Lovi closer to my side to look.

I started to scroll slowly, nothing jumped out at me right away. I saw plenty songs I liked but nothing seemed to fit perfectly.

"See anything?" I asked, I was almost half way down the list and he had been silent.

He shook his head, "No. Keep scrolling."

I was starting to get anxious; we were almost at the bottom… But then I saw a title that sprung right out at me. I gasped, "Lovi! We have to do this one! Please, please, please!"

He wrinkled his nose, "Summer Lovin'? What the hell? No!"

"Have you seen that movie?"

He scoffed, "Yeah, me and everyone else under the sun!"

"We have to do it!" The cursor hovered over the title, "I'm gonna click it!"

I was poised to select it but hesitated… I was overexcited. This was Lovi's night, he should have been the one to choose.

"Alright, we won't sing it. What would you prefer?" Slowly I moved the cursor away.

He sighed heavily and after a moment moved the mouse back and clicked on my choice, "Fuck, let's just do it."

My eyes widened and the 'Added to queue!' message appeared, "Seriously? Thank you!" I was filled with excitement, I loved sappy songs like these.

He shrugged, "It's not like I had a better idea… But I have one condition."

"What's that?"

He jammed his thumb at himself, "I get to be the man!"

I laughed, Lovi sounded so weird saying that, "Sure! Whatever you want, Danny."

He narrowed his eyes, "Shut up Sandy, you little bitch."

I carried on like that, forcing Lovi to keep distracted as the guy before us finished his turn. He was gonna get worked up if we stood in silence.

Even I was a little nervous when it was finally our turn… I swallowed to wet my dry throat as I took Lovi's wrist, not wanting to risk him not coming on.

There was polite applause as we stepped on. Luckily I knew better than to take any of this seriously. Lovi had gone bright red… The heat of the lighting didn't help much.

I touched the top of his arm, "It's fine so far."

He nodded as the first notes started to play… Wow, the music sounded a lot louder when we were up here…

The lyrics filed up on the screen, pink for me, blue for him… Blue was first.

He cleared his throat, his knuckles were white around his microphone,

_"Summer Lovin' had me a blast."_

He tried but his voice was breathy… His nerves were clear… I needed to loosen him up!

_"Summer Lovin' happened so fast!"_

I screeched in a piercing falsetto. I sounded like a cat drowning! But it got people laughing… This was way better than the silence and murmur of talking we had before.

Lovi looked at me in absolute shock… It was clear he had one hundred percent not expected that.

But what he did next made it my turn to be surprised,

_"Met a girl crazy for me."_

He sang in a low gravelly voice that just sounded ridiculous! He was laughing at himself and I couldn't be prouder!

I put my hand on my chest and swooned at Lovi,

_"Met a boy cute as could be!"_

We both had the same idea for the next line and faced each other, I took his free hand and even though our height difference made us look pretty odd we still sang in our own caricature voices,

_"Summer days driftin' away, to uh-oh those summer nights!"_

The next line was sung by the backing track but I still nodded my head comically to it. I grabbed Lovi's shoulders and in a voice similar to his deep one took the next like,

_"Tell me more, tell me more…"_

I put my head around to his other shoulder and put on a ridiculous Boston accent,

_"Didja get very far?!"_

He turned around then and did the same to me, speaking in a voice even higher than mine,

_"Tell me more tell me more… Like did he have a car!?"_

I pretended to give a little girly giggle at that. I couldn't stop reacting to him, if I didn't keep this up he'd stop thinking we were in this together and go right back in his shell! Beside I was having too much fun to stop!

We carried on, getting laughs from the audience though out the whole thing. We both got more and more into our stupid characters too! It was so much fun!

_"He got friendly holding my hand!"_

I fanned myself as Lovi sang his line,

_"She got friendly down in the sand…"_

He gave an over the top silly wink then out at the audience which made me laugh so hard I could barely sing my next line.

By the time we were done the two of us were sweaty and panting but there was no way we weren't gonna finish this without a bang

It was the finally notes and we both yelled into our microphones,

_"Those summer… Naahights…!"_

My microphone squeaked but I didn't care, it only added to the effect we were having. I knew I was supposed to the girl but I still swept Lovi up in my arms then and lifted him high, spinning him.

"Asshole!" He shouted but not into the microphone, only I could hear, "You're the girl dammit!"

I grinned as I put him down, ruffling his hair, "That wasn't so bad, was it?"

He rolled his eyes as I waved out at those were clapping, "Fuck you." He pulled at my shirt, "Let's just get going."

I followed him off stage handing my microphone to the next people due up who all said something about us being hilarious,

"Don't you wanna watch anyone else?" He was already through a side door, a fire exit that had been opened because the room had been getting stuffy.

He shook his head, panting heavily in the dark, "I think the night peaked there."

I smiled wide and nodded, "You were so great tonight." I told him with all the sincerity I could muster, "You really went for it!"

He shrugged, "When you started doing I decided looking dumb was better than looking like a scared kid.

"Exactly." I looked behind us at the door that was still open, "You know there was a contest for best performance… We could have actually a chance at winning you know."

He shrugged, "I don't really give a shit about that." He confided, "This is a fine point to end the night."

I nodded, I didn't mind leaving either, "Should I take you back?"

He nodded, "Where's your car?"

I wanted to ask is he was feeling okay the whole way back to the hospital. He had had great night but that could disappear quickly. He still had a lot to deal with back at the hospital… Seeing the grief of everyone around him, Ivan's made bed like he had never even been there.

But I didn't say anything. I guess I was too scared to dampen his mood… What we had just done wasn't just a fun time, it was something that he had been thinking about doing for so long he had put it down on his bucket list.

"Here we are…" I parked up, still trying to discreetly figure out his mood.

He nodded and stretched, "Tonight was pretty okay."

I laughed, "'Pretty okay'?"

He grumbled, "You know what I mean."

"You can call me any time tonight!" I gushed, desperate to say something, "I'll keep my phone on so don't be afraid to give me a call!"

He raised his brows in surprise before nodding, "Thanks… But there's one thing I want you to do before you go."

I blinked a few times, "What's that?"

"Give me that promise like you did last night. It makes me less scared."

Oh… Gosh I never realised that what I had said had done so much. It had been the only thing I could think of to say… But I was happy I had made a difference. My promise may have not stopped anything… If he was destined to have the same thing that happen to Ivan happen to him my word would have done nothing… But I could see why it maybe helped.

"I promise you, you'll be fine. I promise with everything I have."

He nodded in approval, "Thanks."


	28. Chapter 28

_A/N: Little late but still here! Thanks for reading, please review- we're so close to 100!_

**Chapter Twenty-Eight**

**He Probably Didn't Want to Get Off the Ground; He Wanted to be in The Sky**

Lovi got me to make the same promise every night. Our visits got back to normal, I would work all day and come see him we'd talk about nothing in particular for an hour or so, he'd make sure I made my promise and then I'd leave.

If we ever forgot he would call me. He got me to say the same words every single night without fail… It was like a tradition that we had just adopted, but as long as it made him happy I loved doing it. It started to give me a sense of security too… If we forgot I would feel tense like something was very wrong until he called and I'd suddenly realise what had been so wrong.

Finally the day I had been waiting for arrived. I felt a little guilty for thinking this way, but I definitely had a favourite on Lovi's bucket list. Of course they were all important! But surely it couldn't hurt to be looking forward to one far more than I was with the others. Besides, I couldn't help it- this one was probably on my bucket list as much as was on his.

We were going balloon riding!

I had two thank you cards in the mail, one each for Gilbert and Francis. I had to send them, if it weren't for those two we wouldn't have been doing this and I really couldn't thank them enough. I also had placed an order for flowers that Francis would give to the family who gave up their slot for Lovi and me… Francis did say that this worked out for them as well as Lovi and me, but I still knew I should recognise what they had done.

It was an early start on the day… A very early start.

It was four in the morning and freezing cold as I waited for Lovi to appear. I was a little worried… I had told him to day before he needed a good sleep so he should go to bed early but he didn't like to listen to people much…

I was certainly relieved as I caught sight of him but I couldn't help but give a little laugh. He was half asleep!

"Hey there…" I used a gentle voice as he squinted up at me, "You ready to go?"

He took a long blink, "Fuck this…" He murmured, "Just let me sit down again."

I grinned and led him around to the passenger seat, opening the door and slowly helping him into the seat.

By the time I moved around and sat down he had noticed something, maybe he was a little more alert than I thought…

"You cleaned it…" I glanced at him, he was looking around like a little meerkat, "You got rid of all the shit."

I smiled, secretly overjoyed that he had noticed my three hour effort, "I figured you would be happier with it like this since we're doing such a long drive." I chuckled, "Sorry it's still a little stained in some places." I started the car, knowing we had to get going.

He raised his brows, "Fuck, that must have really taken forever."

I laughed, to ashamed to admit what a massive task it was.

We started the long drive then. Lucky for Lovi, he was able to doze off just twenty minutes in and stayed curled up on the seat he had reclined as far as it would go asleep quietly until we were under an hour away.

By the time we got there he sky was light and as I parked the car there were commuters all over the streets.

"Who the hell do these assholes think they are?" Lovi watched everyone go by as he stretched in the cool morning air.

"Huh?"

He nodded at one man who was walking by with a brief case, "These idiots think they're up early? Pussies, they don't deserve to think that."

I laughed, "It's only seven am you know..." I touched his arm, "Come on, we need to get going, I wanna arrive in plenty time."

I grabbed the boxes of cold pasta I had made for lunch and we started to walk. It was nice getting some air and stretching our legs after that long car journey... I was feeling fresh as Matthias' office came into view!

I didn't want Lovi to find out how hard it was to get this for him. He knew that Francis and Gilbert helped me but he had no idea of all the trouble there was. I really wanted to keep it like that... Lovi seemed to think anyone going out of there way was only doing that because they felt sorry for him. It was ridiculous and I sort of wished he wouldn't think that but if that's how he felt I couldn't help it.

"Are you ready?" I grinned, approaching the glass doors and pushing it open for him. I shot a look up to the sky and felt another wave of excitement... We were gonna be up there!

He had been way too quiet, I didn't like it. If I were him I would have been jumping around and talking about what we were gonna do non-stop!

"I guess."

I didn't like that reply one bit.

"You... You guess?" Suddenly I grabbed his arm and pulled him aside. Luckily Matthias was at his desk talking to other people so we didn't need to get over there, "Lovi, we're going into the sky!"

He didn't meet my eyes, and sighed, "Yeah well..."

I furrowed my brow, "What?" I felt kinda _hurt_... I had been through so much to get this and this was how he was acting? I swallowed heavily, "But..."

He closed his eyes, before looking at me for a moment, "Shit... I never said but... The reason I wanted to do this was because... I'm scared of heights."

Even though this was probably the wrong thing to feel, those words made me feel impossibly relieved.

It explained why he was being so quiet and unenthusiastic in what was probably the only way that could make me comfortable.

I even gave a small laugh, he kinda didn't approve of that.

He shoved be back, "What the hell are you laughing for!? This is serious, I'm shitting myself here!"

I smiled softly, the other people Matthias was talking to were leaving, "You'll be fine, I promise. I'm great with heights!"

He rolled his eyes, "Whatever... Just don't laugh when I freak out."

I chuckled, "Deal."

"And Tonio'!" He grabbed me before I could head over to the desk, "Uh..."

I looked at him in confusion... He had told me the big deal about this whole thing what did he want to say now?

"Yeah?" I looked at him and smiled, I was here to support him.

He cleared his throat before looking at me seriously, "Don't think this was a waste of time. I saw you worrying, idiot. Why would I write this down if I didn't care about going?"

I blushed, suddenly feeling guilty for doubting him, "You acted so unenthusiastic..."

He shrugged, "I can't really help that."

I nodded, "I know that _now_!" I smiled deciding not to let it get to me, "I'm gonna make sure this is the most fun you've ever had!"

**.oO0Oo.**

"Nice paperwork, that all looks great, you guys ready to go? I have the bus ready."

Over the past half an hour I honestly thought I was gonna drown in forms! It was only natural with something like this that we had to fill in a lot of things but they just wouldn't stop coming... I thought it would never end. Now when Francis complained about the cost of ink and paper for his own helicopter business it made sense.

I looked at Matthias who until now he been kinda unhelpful and distracting by impatiently playing catch at his desk with a rubber band ball, "Bus?" Were we ever going up in the air?

"Yeah dude, jeeze, you think I just have a garden out the back to do trips from?" He laughed, "Bernwald!" I looked behind me to see a huge blonde guy come in, "These guys just thought we did this stuff from some door in the back!"

Suddenly offended, Lovi banged his fist down on the desk and scowled at Matthias, "I didn't say that! I can't help it if I'm with stupid!"

I was too perplexed to defend myself, where could we possibly be going now?

Bernwald didn't seem to find the whole thing as funny (something that probably really relived Lovi) he just looked at his watch, "Ye done?" He gestured to the door, "Need t' go or weather might change."

Matthias was still laughing at my silly mistake, "Bro they though people took off from the middle of town! He was like 'what bus?'" Matthias tilted his head to the side making his impression of me make it seem like I was kinda simple...

"Got t' go." Bernwald repeated, his face as stony as it was when he came in, "See ye again at five."

Matthias gave a big sigh, "Tough crowd." He grinned before nodding, "Have fun you guys, try not to fall out the basket!"

The tall blonde tutted, "You'll scare c'stomers away."

Matthias waved his hand flippantly, "Ah they already paid!"

So we headed out and I realised there really was a small mini bus parked just outside. I got in the front, figuring that if I gave Lovi space he might be able to work his courage up!

I realised pretty fast that Bernwald was a man of very few words...

Very, _very_ few.

"So you guys are busy right?" I tried, desperately trying to make it so we had more than just the rumble of the engine to listen to.

"Mm."

I waited, hoping he would elaborate maybe a little...

He didn't.

I cleared my throat and asked something else, maybe if I spoke about less obvious things,

"You said you'd see Matthias again at five! Do you do many trips a day?"

Bernwald didn't answer as he turned a sharp corner,

"Two." He said eventually.

"Oh, wow." I nodded, "That sounds great!"

That didn't even get a one word response! Was I bothering him? He didn't look angry... Maybe he was just a stern guy.

"It must be really fun in this kind of work! I have a friend who does helicopter flights, you guys both get great business..." I turned to him, hinting that I was searching for a reply, "I wonder why."

"G'd weather."

"Like clear skies?"

"Mm."

My phone buzzed in my pocket then. Relieved that I had a distraction I pulled it out and opened it, opening the text I had just got... It was from Lovi?

**Sender: Lovely Lovi x  
Time: 07:36  
Message: FFS just give up**

I looked back to him, hurt. At least he didn't say that out loud! He was probably too intimated by Bernwald's giant stature...

Luckily then I didn't have to try anymore. Without me even noticing we had left town completely and were stopping at the edge of a huge field. I peered out the window as Bernwald cut the engine and got out...

There was green grass all the way up to the horizon save for a few trees and two people who were a few hundred meters off.

I opened my door and climbed out, Bernwald had opened Lovi's door for him so he got out beside me. I had no idea where we were, I had never seen this place before. I guess that was simply because I had no reason to come to some place like this.

Bernwald locked the bus and started to head towards the only thing that was moving in the field, the two other people who both turned and waved at the same time. I put my hand on Lovi's back and we started to follow him together, my spare hand shielding my eyes from the sun.

"This is an adventure right?" I looked up and around. The only clouds in the sky were pure white wispy ones that looked like they had once been big fluffy clouds but had been cut up into shreds.

"It would be nice if we knew where the hell we were going." He muttered, our pace already had us panting and he seemed to be shaking a little... His voice sounded uncertain.

I laughed, "It is a little mysterious!" I could see a basket now we were closer, one big enough to hold up to five or six people, "But this must be where we take off... Makes sense right? Nothing to crash into, plenty space..."

He wrapped his arms around himself, "No one to hear you scream."

I frowned, "Don't say that! We want to have fun while we do this, even though you're scared."

"Whatever, whatever..." He fixed his gaze straight ahead, "People don't really fall out the basket do they?"

"Fall out the basket?" It took me a second to realise he was talking about Matthias' joke from earlier, ah... So it had played on his mind a little, "No." Actually I had no idea if people fell out baskets of hot air balloon rides or not but I didn't dare frighten Lovi more the he was, "You won't, the sides of the basket are too high!"

He nodded, seemingly reassured, "Good. That dumbass back there wasn't exactly helping."

I sighed, "I hope you're not dreading this."

"I'm not. I'm just far too fucking aware right now that we're about to get hoisted way up into the sky."

We arrived at the balloon; it was funny to see it so deflated... The basket stood upright but hanging limp was the rest of the balloon in a crumpled mess.

I was so used to seeing hot air balloons in the sky. They looked so solid then and so sturdy- but now on the grass in front of us just lay flimsy plastic that could rip or tear even if just got caught on something and ruin everything. That thin sheet blown full of air was all that was gonna keep us afloat. Just a gas flame and that was all the support it got.

...When I thought of it like that it really was a little scary!

But even if it looked a little more pathetic then I imagined I wasn't disappointed. In fact it made me happy to see this part of the ballooning process. I felt like I was in on a secret.

"Hey guys!" As Lovi and I watched over the flaccid balloon a short blonde guy with big doe brown eyes, like something out of Disney, came running over, "Antonio and Lovino, right?"

"Right!"I turned to him suddenly forcing myself to stop watching as the plastic sheet rippled slightly in the light breeze.

"Great to meet you!" He extended his hand and I shook it quickly, "My name's Tino," He shook Lovi's hand, "I'm taking you guys up today."

"Are we getting going soon?" I asked immediately. I really didn't want to sound rude but my excitement was getting the better of me.

Tino nodded and took a step back so the three of us could look at the balloon together, "We're just waiting on Emil to come back with more gas then we're pretty much good to go! You guys done this before?"

"Never!" I looked at Lovi, hoping he would give his own answer. I knew he was probably freaking out inside but I really wanted him to at least speak to Tino, it might even help him if he felt closer to the guy who we would pretty much depend on for a few hours.

Thankfully he shook his head and spoke, "I've always wanted to see what it was like." He pursed his lips, "But I'm scared shitless."

Tino looked surprised... Hm, maybe people who were scared of heights didn't do this often?

"Scared?" He blinked a few times before slowly starting to give a friendly laugh, "Well don't worry, okay? We're professional!"

He nodded, "I've never seen one deflated before."

With that Lovi left, he started to wander around the balloon, inspecting it from every angle... For something that looked as flimsy as it did, it sure was huge!

Tino and I watched him go, "Vertigo?" Tino asked curiously, "We've had claustrophobia in the basket but not that before."

I chuckled as I watched Lovi slowly gander around the perimeter, "Yeah, and he waited until an hour ago to tell me. He's a little anti-social right now but he's probably pretty nervous."

Tino nodded, "Of course... Was this a surprise gone wrong?"

I frowned and shook my head, "Oh no! Don't worry!" I laughed, "He totally wants to do this!" The idea of Lovi doing something he didn't want to do... Wow. If this really was some kind of birthday surprise gone wrong and Lovi and I had met some other way, if he had another sixty years, and he wasn't thinking about his bucket list and facing his fears, then we wouldn't have gotten this far.

Tino tilted his head and gestured for me to follow as he went to the balloon and started to pull out any folds, "Then why, may I ask, is he doing this?" Tino smiled, "I get facing your fears but couldn't you just take him up a tree house or something?"

Hm.

It was because Lovi didn't want to look down from a tree and say he had faced his fears. I thought about it and realised that this by far was the most extravagant thing Lovi wanted to do... There was exploring Italy but that seemed, even if more expensive, far more orthodox and basic than this.

He probably didn't want to get off the ground; he wanted to be in the sky... Why facing this fear was so important I didn't know, I would ask him, but I had a feeling he wanted to fly. With swimming too, he explained he wanted to float underwater.

It all came back to something that seemed to stay in the corner of my mind's eye and disappear whenever I tried to take a proper look. But it did leave me one clue; it was something to do with his life coming to an end.

I could have said this all aloud to Tino but instead I smiled and shrugged. Lovi wasn't some sob story like on drama shows. He was a real person and my best friend... He had already told me people had stopped seeing like that once they knew his situation,

"I'm sure he has his own reasons." I told Tino, "But this is important to him, I know that."

Tino nodded with a gentle smile before looking up suddenly and waving to someone coming closer, another person who I hadn't seen before.

"I think I get it." Tino explained, "Sometimes there are things we feel like we need to do no matter what. I'm afraid of the sea but I always though it looked so beautiful... So I faced my fears and went scuba diving with Bernwald last spring! I'm still scared of sea creatures but I could never regret it."

I nodded and looked over to Lovi who was fingering the balloon. I hoped with all my heart that he would overcome his fear and enjoy today.

By the time I looked back at Tino he wasn't alone. A sulky guy who looked even younger than Lovi had appeared holding a huge red canister.

"Here's your stupid gas." He muttered, putting it down, "It was the heaviest one yet."

Gosh, this guy didn't look like Lovi with his pale skin, light hair and cold grey eyes but my my...

The facial expressions and demeanour was just like Lovi! His small pout and slightly wrinkled nose... It was the spitting image. But his voice was so soft and quiet... It didn't suit what he was saying at all!

"Emil!" Tino put a hand on my arm, "Antonio, this is Emil. Emil this is Antonio!"

I smiled brightly at the boy, it was weird how I suddenly felt like I was talking to Lovino, I had to be careful I wasn't rude and started treating him like my close friend, "Are you flying with us today?"

The velvet voice was laced with spite, "As if. These guys don't even pay me."

He left straight after saying that... So maybe he was a little different to Lovi after all. I could imagine Lovi sticking around and giving me a long rant about the injustice of it all. Actually, I don't think anyone would get him carrying things around like that at all!

Tino blushed, "Sorry about him, Emil gets a little grumpy when we ask him to come with us like this... Our business is owned by Matthias but Lukas over there with the sandbags is his right hand man and so Lukas sometimes calls on his little step brother to help us out."

I laughed, almost feeling bad for making Emil come out, "Rough, poor guy."

Tino smiled and we both watched as the final guy tossed a sandbag to Emil. That must have been Lukas. I could only just hear them,

"You took a while, bro."

Emil raised his velvet voice, "I'm not your actual brother! Stop calling me that."

"Why?"

"It's embarrassing."

"Why?"

"Because you're a freak."

Tino spoke as the bickering progressed, "Don't feel too bad for him, if he wasn't here he would just be sitting at home playing video games. He likes to nitpick and complain but I don't think he really minds, he does come out after all."

I smiled, looking over to Lovi again, "I think I know the type."

Tino was quiet for a second looking between Lovi and me. He gave a happy half sigh half chuckle, "You probably do..." He touched my arm again, "Hey I better help get everything good to go, maybe you should reassure your friend." He bent down to grab the bug canister.

I nodded before realising what Tino was doing. That thing was so big and heavy but Tino was tiny, even smaller than Lovi! Making him carry that would just be cruel! "Here, let me get that!"

Tino laughed and to my amazement swung the canister up and over his shoulder like it was a sack of feathers! "I'm okay." He winked and left me alone.

I went to Lovi but neither of us did much talking. I didn't leave his side though, I think he needed company but nothing needed to be said.

We were called over around ten minutes later.

"Tonio..." Lovi gripped the back of my shirt as we started to walk over to the four others who were stood around the basket.

"Yeah?"

"If I freak out... Will you look after me?"

I smiled to myself, "You're safe with me."


	29. Chapter 29

_A/N: Even closer to 100 reviews, so close! This one ends kinda suddenly but I was running out of time so I'll finish this part next chapter._

_Thanks for reading, please review!_

**Chapter Twenty-Eight**

**Never Let Me Go**

**LOVINO'S P.O.V**

Was I scared? Hell yeah, I was scared.

Was my reaction of saying nothing while my brain went totally nuts normal? Hell yeah, it was.

Was I ever gonna not feel terrible for the look on 'Tonio's face when he realised that I wasn't the excited bouncing off the walls ball of energy he expected? Fuck no.

At least I had told him that he shouldn't think I was some ungrateful brat. It was just nerves... I was a brat most of the time but not today.

"Basically just stay steady through take off. We might wobble a little but stay calm, got it?" Blonde and tiny, the guy taking us up who I had forgotten the name of, let us in the basket as the three others pulled the floppy balloon off the ground.

Jesus, as if I didn't have enough shit in my pants, we were gonna be wobbling around... What the hell if this damn thing capsized!?

Blonde short stuff got in the basket with us and closed the little door, locking it. I wasn't big or strong enough to climb out. I was stuck in here.

Crap, if my heart started going any faster it was gonna start popping out my mouth. I blinked a few times; I wasn't allowed to cry, not in front of all these guys.

"Shit!" I hissed and braced myself against the side of the basket as suddenly the flame started to roar right behind me. The balloon was starting to slowly creep up, like it was a person who had just woken up from a really bad nap.

Lucky for me blondie hadn't noticed me almost throw myself out the basket in fright and was too busy talking about shit I couldn't get my head around to the other three guys.

One person who I could count on to notice was Antonio.

"Up we go..." His voice was soft so only I could hear it and he was slowly leading me away from the edge of the basket, probably because he knew if it made the slightest movement I'd puke, "Just stick by me for this part okay?" He gave one of those stupid light laughs that made me feel both like a little kid but also like the most important person ever.

I took a deep breath, "If this think sways in any way you're gonna take my arm and don't let go for anything.

I felt him nod and relaxed a little, I could trust 'Tonio, right?

I tried to relax, thankfully the thing took way longer to get off that ground than I thought it would. I thought we'd light the flame and be off the ground like 'woosh!' but thank fuck it wasn't fast.

I had even remembered how to breath normally by the time I realised we weren't on the ground anymore. Okay, I definitely wasn't on solid ground anymore. Shit, the only this straw basket was keeping me up and we were going higher.

I really shouldn't have kept thinking about how high we were getting and assessing if the fall from that height could kill me.

'Tonio left me then, he said something to the short guy and went right up to the edge. We were probably high enough for a pretty view by now...

"Wow..." His word travelled over to me and he looked back over to me. I was as far away from the side as I could get. The whole sky was behind him, a couple of mountains were just visible... I bet it looked amazing over there.

Why the fuck was I letting myself get so worked up about this?! What the hell was this gonna be if I just stood around and freaked out!?

Godammit why was I so weak all the time?!

This was my one chance and I was standing him making myself look like a wuss. I was getting frustrated when this was the one thing I put down that I actually seriously cared about! Fuck the rest I really wanted this!

... I really wanted to payback my Grandpa, karaoke was fun... But this one was _the one_.

But it was like I was stuck to where I was standing.

I had to do something that I was only just learning to do, and something I was only kinda just figuring out that sometimes it was okay to do.

I was gonna reach out for help.

Ugh, ew. This shit always made me feel pathetic.

He was still looking at me. I didn't really wanna reach out...

But I was still gonna do it.

My hand was out and he took it with a look of surprise. Jeeze why did he have to look at me like that? I didn't need to be made even more aware of how weird this was!

"I'm not just gonna stand here." I told him, taking minuscule steps closer to the edge. Thank god I was doing this with someone with more patience than Feliciano had pasta recipes.

He smiled, "It's not that bad, I promise! It's like riding a plane!"

This fucking moron- "I've never flown in a plane!"

He laughed even though I was no way making any kind of joke, "Well you don't feel like you'll fall, I swear."

I rolled my eyes, "But I still could."

"You won't."

I looked away from his face then... That bastard! He had been distracting me on purpose so he could pull me slightly closer to the edge! Without even noticing I was suddenly right fucking next to him!

I yanked my hand away from his, "Shit..." Where had all the air in my lungs gone now, "I can't do this."

'Tonio lowered his chin slightly, I had come too far, I was past the point of getting out of this.

"I will not let anything bad happen, Lovi. You're scared but that's all you're gonna be."

All I was was scared... I was only scared because of what might happen. If he said nothing was gonna happen then there was no reason to be acting this way.

I took in a big breath and stepped out, grabbing the edge of the basket and pulled myself forward, "AAAHHHGH!" I yelled out as I forced every fiber of me to turn against instinct.

"Godammit, fuck, fuck, fuck!" I was looking over the edge but it was all such a blur that I had no idea of what I was looking at.

"Lovi it's okay!" I heard 'Tonio call out. He was obviously not expecting such a loud reaction, but fuck it, I was basically doing what was every acrophobe's godamn nightmare! I deserved this!

He put a hand on my back and it made me feel sick, without even thinking about it I whirled around and shoved him back, losing my balance I ended up on my ass my whole body on such high alert that I could feel my blood in my veins.

"Don't do that!" I yelled up at him, my hands balled into fists.

"Lovi, what is it?" He held the hand he had touched my back with like it was dirty.

"Don't creep up and surprise me like that!" I rubbed my temple, "How would you feel if someone just came alone and started shoving your back like that!?"

"But..." He paused, still looking confused, "I wasn't pushing..."

"There could have been an accident, I don't fucking know! You didn't even warn me!"

He slowly lowered his hand, probably hadn't realised it was still next to him, "I didn't realise."

"Yeah well..." I grabbed the edge of the basket to pull myself up.

By the time I looked back behind me Antonio wasn't standing there anymore. Where the hell did he go? I spotted him... Oh. He was over talking to the blonde cherub.

I gripped the edge of the basket hard, why the hell wasn't he helping me!? That guy over there didn't need him like I did!

Lovino you piece of shit, he probably left because you shoved and yelled him.

Okay well maybe shoving him wasn't so bad, what the hell else was I supposed to do? But why did my default emotion have to be anger all the damn time? He didn't even mean to do it as a prank he was trying to be _nice_ like he always was.

I sighed, whatever, I could do this on my own right?

I didn't let go of the basket for even a second as I carefully turned myself back around.

I bit down hard on my lower lip, if I yelled out now without Antonio beside me to cover my dumb noises and make me look less stupid, I'd probably feel worse.

I blinked a few times, looking out at the view, waiting for my subconscious to settle down and realise I wasn't about to suddenly drop 3,000 feet. All I had to do is stand here. Even if 'Tonio wasn't right beside me he was still not gonna let anything happen, right?

I started to feel myself relax. I was aware now of how tense I was... I unclenched my muscles slowly and realised that once I did that it was actually okay.

I looked down and saw the edge of the basket stretch down below me. I looked at the base edge and shuddered as I imagined clinging on to that at this height, legs kicking but finding nothing but more air.

I pushed that though out of my mid and looked up again... The view that I had hoped for was finally there.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in... Suddenly I wasn't scared anymore; it had all disappeared in seconds- I had realised that really I was safe. This must have been what 'Tonio was saying like being up here was like riding a plane. I had never been on a plane but I could imagine, sorta like I was safe even though I probably wasn't.

I opened my eyes again and slowly started to lift my hands. I stayed like that, my hands just hovering for a few moments until I figured I was safe, I wasn't gonna throw myself off like some kind of weird fucking tourettes thing, and raised them further, spreading them out.

"You're like The Titanic, Lovi!" Antonio's voice suddenly came from behind me. I felt dumb all of a sudden for standing like an idiot so I quickly whipped them back down and looked at him.

"What the hell are you back here for?"

He chuckled as he joined me at the edge of the basket, "Don't be silly, I was never gone anywhere! I just wanted to ask about where we might go while we're up here... It's pretty exciting doing this right? And look at you!" He stepped back like he only just noticed how I standing, "Lovi, you're fine up here!"

I shrugged, embarrassed, "I just had to get on with it."

"It's beautiful up here..." 'Tonio smiled and reached his arms out as far as they would go, "I can see everything!" He pointed over at a big hill which we were slowly moving away from, "That's where I took you, remember?"

I stepped back, leaning forwards. How could I forget? He carried me down after I slipped and made me feel like I was the only person who mattered, "I remember."

He moved his finger down the side of the hill to a textured orange pool at the bottoms that must have been the suburbs we went through, "My old house must just have been there."

He lowered his hand and we stood in silence, just the roar of the flame and the wind was making a noise. The whole situation was so damn epic it felt strange in the silence. It was like there should have been some kind of music like they have in movies.

The basket rocked slightly, I reached out and grabbed a rope at the corner of the basket, my other hand gripping Antonio's arm suddenly. It was so tight he winced.

Suddenly feeling awkward I yanked my arm away from him,

"Hey it's okay!" He reached out and took my hand, giving it a light squeeze, "I can be here for you!"

I looked away, my face red... His hands were big and warm. They were so damn manly compared to my stupid dainty little lady ones. Probably because he was always using them, doing work in the garden on the hot days we had been having in the past weeks... Shirt off, skin sticky with sweat as he did soothing that built up that frame he had... I bet he moved his lawn with one of those shitty lawn mowers, probably didn't trust motor ones with his precious grass.

I was such a pervert it was gross. If Antonio was a mind reader I was thoroughly fucked.

It didn't help that this was the first time in, like, forever that he had put his hands on me for a period longer than three seconds while actually sober.

I don't know what the hell I did, but he just didn't touch me like he used to when we met. He didn't even say shit or hint that something was wrong. He used to always have a hand on me, what the fuck happened?

It wasn't fun to admit, but I freaking missed that shit.

I blamed myself at first, I probably smelled bad, or had really clammy hands. But even after I started being careful to make sure I was fresh whenever I saw him and stuff it didn't change. With both his hands now playing with mine I still couldn't figure it out. Once we left the balloon he would let go and that would be that.

And I couldn't ask. I didn't want him to think I was needy horny creep.

I just had to make the most of what I got.

Blonde and tiny called over to us then, "Hey guys!" He was at the altitude controls, "Wanna go lower over the lake? I promise it's a lot of fun!"

I waited a second for Antonio to reply but he never did. Then I realised he was looked at me, "Your trip, your call, Lovi." He told me.

My trip, my call huh? How the hell did I end up with someone as nice as this guy?

I nodded. Going down wouldn't be so freaky, right? Besides, I had no idea there was even a lake here. We could see it, a great big area of water that from this angle looked like a big mirror that we were slowly moving over to.

"That sounds like a great idea, Tino!" Antonio added in his response. So that was his name, Tino… I guess it wasn't exactly a common name. But then again neither was Lovino. Just the luck of us foreigners.

Of course 'Tonio would remember, he was way too considerate to do something like forget a name. It was weird, most of the time this guy was a freaking idiot but sometimes I wondered if there was more to that airhead than what he usually made out.

He probably decided to dedicate his brain power to other people and helping them be happy around him. It seemed exactly like what a doofus like him would do.

"You'll be okay going down?" He asked me, placing a hand on my shoulder. I wanted to stay up here forever if it meant he was handling me like he used to.

Goddammit that sounded so fucking gay.

It was just a comfort thing! He was just a comforting guy…

And I mean I guess I did get butterflies whenever he did things like this, which made me feel like I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time, and yeah, I guess I was in love with him…

Shit this was just getting really weird.

But yeah. I was in love with him. Fuck it, I was through denying that- it just tired me out.

I shrugged, "It'll be better because the further we go down the less chance we have of dying if we fall." I gave my logic straight to him.

He looked so freaking amused. Shut the fuck up 'Tonio, you had no idea, this whole thing had been a breeze to you!

"I guess you could look at it like that…" Suddenly the flame cut off. My whole body froze. It came back seconds later.

I spun around to look at Tino who was stood controlling the gas, "What the fuck was that!?"

So maybe I hadn't meant to sound so aggressive but jeeze, he could have warned us if he was gonna send us plummeting for a few seconds!

Tino looked up at me, obviously he hadn't had a reaction like mine before, "Huh? … Sorry! Did I scare you?"

Fuck, Tino was nice too. Now I was just shaken up and embarrassed.

"I'm fine." I bit out.

He smiled and cut the gas out for a few seconds again, "This is just how we lower ourselves… We have to do it gradually, but even if it sounds dangerous, this is the safest way down." He grinned, "You wanna have a go?"

I blinked a few times, "You want me to pilot this fucking thing?

Tino stepped away from the controls, "Sure! It might give you peace of mind!"

Antonio grabbed both my shoulders then and shook me excitedly, "Lovi! That's amazing! You have to do this!"

I clicked my tongue, shrugging him off, "Whatever, whatever!" I hesitated, biting my lip before giving a big exhale, "Fine."

'Tonio gasped behind me like I had just won some sort of award, ushering me forward over to Tino who was taking a step back from the controls.

I hadn't actually looked at what Tono was doing this whole time, so when all I saw was a handle and not some big fancy control panel with flashing lights and buttons I was surprised.

"It's super simple," Tino told me. But the looks of this primitive shit, that was an understatement, "You just need to turn the handle up and down. The only thing you need to figure out is timing, but I'm here for that. Okay?"

I nodded, grasping the handle. It was covered with rubber to make holding it not feel gross and it was warm.

"Push it down." I did what I was told; not really focusing on a snarky response for the first time in my life.

Eventually the balloon was sinking slowly. Antonio felt the need to applaud me every time I turned the handle but it kept my mind off the fact I was controlling this exaggerated parade float until we had sunk way down and what had been a faraway silvery glimmer was a rich blue lake, stretching out around us.


	30. Chapter 30

_A/N: Sorry this one is super short! I would have written more but the next two chapters are ones I really can't break up, so this is just how it works out._

_100 reviews! We did it guys! Please enjoy this chapter, thank you so much for reading my work, your support means so much, as always~_

**Chapter Twenty-Nine**

**Miscellaneous**

Even on it's own the view was breathtaking, but watching the river and then the reaction of Lovi beside me... Well, words really couldn't explain.

"This is exactly what I wanted..." He murmured more to himself I think, rather than to me, but how it felt seeing him reaching out his arms was simply unforgettable.

"Lovino!" I exclaimed.

He looked to face me, the wind had his hair going wild around him but it was so beautiful, "What?" He asked, pushing a few rouge strands from his eyes.

"I..." The words caught in my throat and suddenly I realised that I was about to tell him I loved him.

I smiled softly, no, I couldn't do that. I couldn't ruin this, I had already learned how easy it was to taint something as amazing as this just by making him think I was a creep.

"I'm so glad you're happy! You defeated your fear!" I made something up but decided quickly that that was the right response. And it was true! I was so happy for him!

He blushed a little at that, he was absolutely gorgeous this guy, everything was just so perfect! Like he had coordinated every breath he took!

I was so in love it would even impress Francis.

"The lake is one of the deepest in the area!" Tino suddenly reminded me that he was there too. I felt bad for a moment, he was our pilot but I didn't want him to be left out!

I wondered if he could tell how smitten I was? I tried to hide it but sometimes it had to be written all over me! Lovi hadn't realised yet... I guessed that was good...

I looked over to Tino, he still had his hands on the controls. With being so low he probably couldn't risk staying away, "It's so pretty!" I told him. Truthfully I wasn't so interested in how deep the lake was, what had my attention was the amazing deep blue and green colours... And no garbage in sight! It was so pure, "It looks like you can drink out of it!"

Tino laughed, "You know, you probably can! The water comes down from one of the hills behind us and is constantly flowing into little streams all around, it's not stagnating."

I looked at Lovi again but he was beyond either of us. He had really compensated for his lack of excitement before we got on. He looked like you could shake him, poke him, even say things he didn't like to him and he wouldn't even bat an eye. I smiled as I watched, his whole body was so relaxed and even though he didn't tell me why this went on the bucket list, I knew that it had to be one of the most important reasons of all.

He was in a type of bliss that most people could only dream of.

**.oO0Oo.**

We were back in the field around an hour later, watching the balloon deflate as we ate our cold lunch. The sun was beating down now... It was only around midday but I was pretty disorientated- it should have been three or four in the afternoon with the amount of time we spent awake. That was true for me anyway, I had a feeling for Lovi it should have been even later.

We were driven back to the office after that in town. Tino drove us this time so thankful making conversation was easier this time.

We were just thanking him; apparently we had done all the paper work before the ride and were free to go.

He looked at Lovi and smiled, "You guys are a sweet couple you know, you're lucky to have such a great guy!"

Oh boy.

Lovi didn't like that... I opened my mouth to say something but all I could do was make some strange noises. I couldn't believe he had said that!

"What?" Lovi turned to him, his face already red, "We're not a couple!"

Tino widened his eyes and then looked at the two of us. I stayed frozen in place, I couldn't even try to make a joke... I was so embarrassed, "You're not?" He asked.

"No!" Lovi folded his arms and looked at me with narrowed eyes, "Why do people keep treating us like one!?"

Tino hit the side of his face in shock, "Oh my god! I'm sorry!" He shielded his eyes, looking down, "I'm sorry, I never meant to assume! Just ignore me."

Finally I managed to speak, "It's fine!" Oh no, my voice was way too high, "Don't worry, don't worry!"

I felt terrible for Lovi... Just because I couldn't hide how I felt he had to deal with this embarrassment... This was my fault.

"Sorry, Bernwald and I are friends as well as a coulple so I tend to think two guy friends doing things like this..." Tino waved his hand, "Never mind!"

Lovi exhaled heavily, "It's doesn't matter... But we're not a couple, got it?"

After Tino apologised again and I finally got over what just happened enough to thank him we left.

"People need to stop thinking things like that." Lovi grumbled, "It makes things weird..."

Made things weird, huh? I could never tell him how I felt, "He just made a mistake..." I insisted, "I bet it was nothing really!"

He shrugged, "Yeah, whatever... Can we just go?"

He headed down the street with that, back in the direction of the car... It was around twenty minutes away.

"Lovi!" I called after him.

He stopped and turned around; he wasn't too far away, "What?"

"Are you okay?" My voice was quiet, I was probably scared that he was mad after such a gret morning.

He nodded sullenly, "It's just embarrassing when people get the wrong fucking idea."

"We had a great time, right?"

He looked up at my then, "Yeah... That was amazing."

I sighed in relief, "Good..." Suddenly an idea struck me, "How about a milkshake?"

He looked at me in confusion, slowly walking back to join me by my side, "A milkshake? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Gilbert works at a roller-skate milkshake bar in town!" I explained, "I think he's working today and it's such a sweet place if you wanna go along... It's done up really cute, like a 1950s diner kind of place."

He shrugged, "Fine, let's go."

Luckily we were real close to where I parked when we got to the milkshake bar, so coming here didn't feel like we were going out of our way. I let Lovi inside and led him over to a table by the window. This place was really sweet, but still bright and flashy... But I hadn't been here in a while.

"This is where Gilbert met his boyfriend..." I said, craning my head, trying to spot Gilbert amongst the flock of waiters and waitresses behind the bar. This place was so popular with kids, especially on days like these, the weekend in the summer.

"Matthew." Lovi was leaning on his hand, scanning the menu in front of him lazily, "Are we eating here?"

I nodded, spotting Gilbert I grinned and waved as he spotted me in surprise, "If you like." I turned back to Lovi and smiled warmly, letting Gil' finish making his milkshake order in peace, "The waffles are the best."

He leaned back, "I want French toast."

I picked up my menu, using it to refresh my memory of this place, "What milkshake do you want?"

He made a small adorable humming noise, "Nougat... Nougat and chocolate."

I nodded, the deal was that you could choose up to five ingredients for your milkshake, only having one or two meant the shake was pretty cheap, they started bumping up the price a lot more if you had three four or five.

"Guys, what the hell? You never said you were coming!" Gilbert laughed, pulling out his pad and pen, "Oh shit! You guys went balloon riding today, right?"

We both nodded, "Today was the day." I grinned at him, "We're just not long down."

Gilbert looked at Lovi, this whole trip had always been about him after all, "You liked it? It's pretty cool right?"

Lovi smiled, he was so cute, when he was being polite he smiled and I swear it made my heard flutter, "Yeah, I'm glad I did it... But it was a little scary."

"Gilbert..." A younger looking guy skated by, tapping Gil's waist. I had never seen him before in my life but he was dirty blonde with a gentle looking face and a slender frame. He was about shoulder height on Gilbert but he was well proportioned. He had a pale face and a big pair of glasses on his long nose.

Obviously this guy was Matthew.

"There's table five ready to be served once you're done here, okay?" He smiled at Gil' before skating away, obviously he had more work to do.

"Gotcha, babe!" Gilbert called after Matthew as he went before turning back to us, a smile on his face.

What really struck me was the way Matthew acted around Gilbert. Gilbert was actually a pretty intimating guy when you first met him... He was tall with white skin and hair, and red eyes. As if that was scary enough he was usually found smoking wearing only black leather in some alley way! If I hadn't been his friend I would think he was some menacing gangster... He was a lovely guy, but if you wanted to see that you had to get past how spiky he looked!

Matthew had just put a hand on Gilbert like it was nothing... He was just something else in the room. This wasn't anything bad- actually it was amazing! He was Gilbert's equal in every way and it was so nice to see him with someone other than Francis and I who was just just comfortable with him like that.

I could imagine their days together, I bet Matthew spent days, even whole weekends at Gil's. I was pretty sure Matthew was still in high school, or maybe just about to finish, but I still would bet money that he'd be over at Gilbert's on Friday nights all the way to the Sunday afternoon. He wouldn't be fazed by anything, they would just be so comfortable around one another, on the same level all the time.

That's how I wished it could be with Lovi and me. I wanted to be able to touch him like it was nothing... Cute pet names for him in my everyday vocabulary... Just to be with him like it was normal to kiss him, hold him...

Gilbert couldn't really stay and chat, he was working after all. He served our food but was really rushing so after he asked how our trip was that was pretty much it. I paid for us both; I had a cinnamon waffle and a banana milkshake... Lovi and I stayed for the best part of an hour, slowly sipping our drinks and talking.

He was tired again by the time we made it to the car. It wasn't late, but Lovi needed a lot of sleep these days, I did ask if he wanted to sleep in the car but he refused. I think he was embarrassed... I didn't talk about it anymore.

We were around half way back, making idle chatter but no real conversations when the car made a noise I hadn't heard before.

Lovi had been lying back relaxed when the noise sounded... It was something kinda like a crunch and a splutter. He jerked upright straight away, "What the hell was that?!"

I frowned and tried the brakes, we slowed down, that all seemed okay...

Ah.

I couldn't accelerate again.

I laughed nervously, now stamping on the accelerator to try and get the car to go again, "This isn't good..."

When did I last do any kind of service on this thing? Had I ever? Uh oh...

This was an old thing, I guess this was to be expected but this really wasn't a good time!

I managed to swerve and we slowed to a stop just at the side of the road. I tried to start the car again but the engine wasn't doing anything.

"We're stuck, aren't we?" Lovi gave a big long sight, "Oh my fucking god..."

"I'm sure this is nothing..." I said, not quite believing this myself as I got out the car, hurrying around to the front I lifted the car hood.

Was it meant to be smoking that way?

"You have no idea how to fix it, do you?" Lovi had climbed out the car and joined me during my ten seconds of staring blankly at the mechanics, "The thing is probably so damn old it's just busted. Died of old age or something."

I put the hood down, no point in trying anything here; I'd probably just make it worse. I turned to him with a smile- I had to keep his morale up! "It's okay! I'll call services, they'll sort us out!"

Lovi leaned on the hood and picked off a fleck of yellow paint that was peeling off the car, "You do that, but I bet you, it's fucked for good."

Luckily one think I didn't throw out when cleaning the car what the massive phone book I found. Maybe some part of me was psychic! I had kept it in the back of the car, thinking it might come in handy some day.

I didn't bet on it coming in handy so soon but at least it proved I would get use out of it!

"I called the services!" I was back beside Lovi ten minutes later, "They'll be around an hour."

Lovi stood up straight, scandalised, "A whole damn hour!?"

"Hmm... Well we are kinda in the middle of nowhere." I pointed out.

He seemed to look around then. It was true. There were the mountains, but aside from this road there was nothing. I knew it was like that for miles and miles.

He sat on the hood again, realising I was right, "What the heck are we gonna do here for so long?"

I looked up, "We could do some cloud watching?"

"Lame."

I chuckled, "Then how about we talk?"

"All we do it talk all the time."

"That's a bad thing?" I frowned.

Lovi clicked his tongue in irritation, "No. But what is there left for gods sake?"

I nudged him, "Tell me about yourself."

He looked at me then, "'Tonio, if you don't know me by now that's just worrying."

I laughed, "I do know you... But there's lots I don't know." I tried to sound sincere, "Tell me your story."

So he did.


	31. Chapter 31

_A/N: I've decided to do this chapter a little differently... I'm not gonna say too much because it's pretty self explanatory but basically this is what Lovino is telling Antonio... The next chapter will more feature how Antonio feels. _

_Sadly there will not be a chapter next week (I'm sorry!) I just really have no time to write... But I'll get right back to it as soon as I can. Promise._

_Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoy!_

**Chapter Thirty**

**The Life of Lovino Vargas, As Told by Himself**

To really get into this crap I need to start at the beginning… Well, I guess I don't need to but whatever, it's what I'm doing anyway, what you gonna do about it?

My whole family is Italian, we stayed there until I was five so yeah, it's pretty much ingrained in my roots.

Grandpa was young when he had my mom, if you do the math he was something like nineteen or eighteen. That's my age now, if I were him, I would be having a kid. It freaks me the fuck out whenever I think about it.

He didn't even want a kid, my mom was never planned. Loosen Grandpa up with a few beers and he'll tell you that he never ever wanted a kid. Or at least until he was past thirty… He never says that when he's with me sober, he's scared that I'll think he doesn't love me.

He was wild card when he was a kid, my great grandparents couldn't control him no matter what. He left school with nothing, went out dancing every night and basically everyone thought he was gonna be a bum by seventeen.

But he wasn't. Grandpa is still a pretty headstrong happy go lucky guy even though he's past fifty, but no one can't say he doesn't have a damn head on his shoulders. He got a job as an apprentice on a building site. Grandpa loved working with his hands, that guy is a labourer, he loved it. He tells me and Feli about it all the damn time… Sun on his back, hard day's work, talking to his workmates and getting closer to then than he could in any other job.

Grandma was a girl he met in a bar. Grandpa was one hell of Lothario, it's gross to think about because he's my fucking grandfather, but he liked women, and they liked him too. The damn nutcase raised Feli and I to love women too- hell, Feli is a damn homo but still makes the girls feel like they're special. I'm like that too, I hate swearing in front of a chick, yelling, or getting mad, it's just damn rude.

Grandpa doesn't even remember my Grandma's name, that's how little they got to know each other. He said it was something with an M, Marie or something. He said he remembered she was beautiful but not much else. They both drank too much and ended up doing it at Grandpa's house. It was just how his nights went, she left in the morning and after a week he had left the whole thing behind him.

Grandma was pregnant… Well, obviously she was. Grandpa was just going about his life nine months later when out of the blue this girl who claimed to have slept with him shows up with this fucking kid.

Grandpa is a good guy though, fuck, the kid, my mom, could have been anyone's daughter. She was so damn young you couldn't tell who she belonged to, she still looked like an old man, all wrinkly and gross. He still took my Grandma inside, asked her what happened, all the shit a good guy does to the girl he accidently impregnated.

She said she couldn't have an abortion but didn't want to raise it either. She said her parents didn't even know… She was mad. She blamed Grandpa for the whole thing. He was drunk when it happened too, it's not like she was any less to blame than him but I guess she was probably scared.

She disappeared when Grandpa was getting her a glass of water, sneaked out the house and must have ran for it. She left the kid behind and that was it. He never saw her face again.

Fuck knows why he didn't try to find her, probably too busy with this tiny little girl that had just been dumped on him. Grandpa says he knew from the moment she said what happened that she was gonna give him my mom… She would have had an abortion, he said, but was too scared… She probably was too intimated to give her baby to an orphanage or something too.

So Grandpa was the only option, and for the sake of my mom, he was the best one there could be. He said after Grandma left the baby started to cry. She was hungry so he stopped trying to think about what to do, called his parents and asked how he fed a kid.

He fell in love with my mother that night, he says he couldn't possibly imagine how Grandma had the strength to give her away. He knows she didn't regret it either, if she tracked Grandpa down once she could have easily done it again, and she was the type who would take my mother back if she wanted to.

He called my mother Lucia, he quit his job straight away and immediately looked for office jobs that would let him bring a baby to work with him. That doesn't sound like a big deal, fuck, it's probably even what his basic responsibility as a parent was; don't work in a dangerous environment and take care of the kid. But to my Grandpa this was a huge deal; he fucking hated the job he got after that, cooped up in an office, doing endless paperwork every day. He liked moving around and being outside, sitting around like that made his head hurt.

But he kept doing it for my mother, he was the perfect worker, he couldn't lose that job, he had been rejected by so many places just because he needed to take a baby in with him. This was his nightmare, but practically the job was fucking gold.

It got better when my mom was a little older, by the time she was two he still had his crap job but at least he could do things on the weekends with her, he took her to the pool, the beach, up hills… But he couldn't grumble about his job anymore, as she got older she started to understand that Grandpa was only working in an office for her, he had to put on a brave face or she'd feel bad. Apparently that's why I feel shitty when people do too much for me, it get it from her.

He worked in that shithole for thirteen years and all for her. He quit on my mom's thirteenth birthday, they had both agreed that he could go back into labour jobs, she was old enough to walk to and from school, and she had friends to go with her, and she could easily survive for a few hours home alone if he was working late. He always got back in time for dinner, so no one saw what he was doing then as a big deal.

Those were the golden years; both my mom and grandpa were the happy. She wasn't a little girl, they could share in some of my Grandpa's hobbies and they were like each other's best friends.

My mom met my dad when she was sixteen. He was called Giovanni, but my mom just called him Gio. Grandpa didn't like him.

Mom always said it's because he came from a rich family while Grandpa was a labourer, but Grandpa always said that wasn't why, he said he always though he was fishy, he didn't trust him. It wasn't until a lot later was Grandpa proved right.

They stayed together long enough, I guess you gotta hand it to him, he was nice to her. My mom got pregnant when she was twenty one. Young but nothing compared to how young Grandpa was, she had me that year. I was a healthy baby boy, unlike the most of the rest of life.

Almost two years later and she was pregnant again… But this time it wasn't so easy. I'm glad I was too young to remember, or maybe I blocked it out. But she was really bad; there were doctors in all the time. I was taken care of by Grandpa, by dad insisting that he needed to look after my mom more than me, and Grandpa should stay out of the whole thing, like my mom and Grandpa _didn't_ have the closest father daughter relationship ever. Hell, she probably would have liked Grandpa there more; he was certainly a gentler kind of guy.

Feliciano was born fine but my mom died during childbirth. She didn't even get to hold Feli or see him. It was like her life energy just went right into him… Feli looks more like her too, and acts like her… Grandpa basically says he's a female version of my mother… Maybe that's why I get so fucking antsy about who he dates, because my mom sure had shitty tastes.

Three days after my mom died, before the fucking soil on her grave had resettled, dad left us. He left a note, apparently it was just too damn hard to stay here and he couldn't cope staying in the family. Fuck him.

So once again my Grandpa was left with two kids, mom was gone and dad fucking ditched us.

That's how it's been from then on.

We moved here just a couple years later, the pain of seeing where he was happy with my mom turned out to be too hard on Grandpa too. Only Grandpa didn't fucking abandon us, he took us with him to the house we have now.

But dad came back. The son of a bitch found us somehow, maybe Grandpa was just a really easy to find guy.

It was only months before I got diagnosed come to think of it... I kinda wish he came after, so Grandpa could be the hero who was looking after a terminally ill problem child, he might feel like shit.

Who am I kidding? He wouldn't feel bad. He was a spoiled pretty boy who ran off when he had to deal with anything alone, like raising kids. If mom had lived he would have been a crap husband, it was just how he was. He wanted the kids so he could wear the 'father badge', fuck, he probably still wears it now, talking about his sons who would be all grown up but pushed him away.

We did push him away. He tried to take us back; he had another wife and just showed up one morning saying he wanted us back.

He was pretty damn convincing, Grandpa was fucking crazy, he was furious that dad was trying this on us, probably knowing we were so young that we wouldn't really get that he was an asshole.

I wasn't having that shit. I was more advanced than that guy thought, even when he shoved Grandpa out of the picture, saying it was our choice and he shouldn't be getting involved, I said no. Grandpa was good to us and dad was pretty much a god damn stranger.

Feli was younger though, he didn't understand like I did, and dad was pretty damn crafty when it came to manipulating kids.

He didn't manage though. Feli was almost his until he yelled at Grandpa, Feli was still tiny but he did know that Grandpa was important to him. He turned against dad pretty quick after that, and dad didn't stand a chance after that.

We never saw dad again after that, hell, we were never expecting for him to show up like he did, Grandpa was all set for parenting round two.

Even before I got sick, I didn't do well in school... I was the worst kid you could ever get; meanwhile Feli was a goddamn social butterfly. He was just like mom, so did that mean I was just like dad? A selfish jerk?

So no, I was never a happy kid, but I sure was happier before I was told I wasn't gonna live past sixteen. I've said before, my birthday cake wasn't even finished and we're at the doctors hearing that I had a tumour.

It was weird in our house after that... We always had a noisy place; Grandpa would always be talking on the phone, having someone over, playing with Feli or me, or even singing along to the radio... But it was quiet now, like the whole world was more morbid.

It took him around two months to finally snap out of it. He realised that in all this shit he needed to act strong for Feli and me, not that I blamed him for how he was... Hell, he lost his daughter and now me. Despite all myself loathing Grandpa still managed to convince me that he loved me. I did realise how hurt he and Feli were.

Feli spent as much time as me in the hospital while still a kid, Grandpa was back to working jobs he hated. He still does some of them now, and he works nonstop. Feli was pretty much with me until ten at night, seven days a week so Grandpa could work to pay for my hospital bills. He's still a relatively young guy but these past years have aged him like nothing else.

As soon as Feli could work he joined Grandpa, it took the strain off a little, but we all know that they still worked way too much. I felt like shit for making them do so much, they could hardly see me and when they did see me they looked terrible.

Feli and I dropped out of school pretty quick; there was no point for either of us. All Feli wanted to do was help earn money and I was in hospital so much that I missed half of it, and it wasn't like I had any friends.

The day I hit sixteen was the best day of my life. I mean, the doctors had already said I would live a little longer than they thought I would at first, but it still meant a lot. It was like I had cheated death, I felt pretty damn invincible that night. It was like, if I could make it to sixteen, then why couldn't I make it to twenty, and then thirty, and then fifty? I was sure I wasn't gonna let myself be defeated- if I could fight it back once, I could do it again, right?

I even started spending less time in the hospital after that too, it was like I was actually on the damn mend... I felt better, looked better...

Then my condition escalated again.

I mean, it had to right? Otherwise I'd still probably be kidding myself into thinking I had a long life. That was the first time I fainted- I was mad at something that I can't even remember now and I guess I got too crazy. I was at home; I fell and hit my head off the side of the coffee table. It bled pretty bad, they had to take me to hospital. It was obviously the tumour. It was probably punishing me for thinking that I could beat it somehow.

I still faint sometimes, I remember it happened in the cafe. It's embarrassing every time, but I can't fucking help it when I get worked up like that! I totally black out too, I don't even remember falling or anything. It's literally like I'm standing there and then a second later I'm someplace else. It's fucking confusing too. It messes me up like nothing else.

I've been pretty much living in that damn hospital ever since... Every day was the same damn thing...

And then one night a few months my life changed completely, when some dumbass walked into my room one night and said he wanted to make me smile.


	32. Chapter 32

_A/N:_ _DON'T WORRY THIS IS NOT THE WHOLE CHAPTER_

_This is just a little bridge, so make sure to read the next chapter as well, okay?_

_okay._

_THANKS FOR READING, PLEASE DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW_

**Chapter Thirty-One**

**So What About You?**

I didn't say anything while Lovi spoke; I just sat and watched him with my full attention focused only on him.

He went on for so long that had to wonder why he would have ever said that there was nothing for us to talk about.

When he finished for a second there were a few moments of silence. It would have seemed wrong not to have a minute to appreciate his story.

"That's amazing." I said after a car going past eventually broke the silence for us.

He clicked his tongue, "You think? It sounds shitty to me. People dying, running away, sacrificing education and dream jobs, cancer... Fuck 'Tonio, it's not amazing, you dumbass."

I smiled softly, "No it's amazing what your family has done for the people they love."

He didn't have any smart remarks to that. He shrugged, "Yeah... I guess that's pretty cool." He muttered.

"It's incredible." I told him firmly, "And you're such a strong person, Lovi."

He bit his lip and looked at his lap, "Not as strong as Grandpa."

I smiled and gave his back a light pat, "He's strong too, so is Feli... But you can't deny how strong you are, not after everything... You have an amazing family."

"What about yours?"

That caught me off guard, "Huh?"

He smirked and dug his elbow into my side, "Come on, no one's here yet. Asshole, you can't expect me to just tell you everything for nothing dammit!"

I laughed, "But there's nothing for me to say!"

He rolled his eyes, "Idiot, unless you're a fucking figment of my imagination you can't say that crap."

"But it's nothing like yours..."

He shrugged, "Whatever, I'm bored and can't be bothered talking anymore so come on, talk to me."

He sat back in his seat and closed his eyes listening out for me to start talking. He looked so angelic... How often was he this willing to listen to someone?

I guess I couldn't waste the opportunity.


	33. Chapter 33

_A/N: thank you for_ reading,_ please review_

**Chapter Thirty-Two**

**The Life of Antonio Carriedo Fernandez, As Told By Himself**

I was also born in another country! I'm Spanish, Spain is the love of my life. My whole childhood is there, just like all my teenage years are in Newhurst, so whenever I go visit it takes me back to the best time in my life.

My parents were pretty traditional, my dad worked as a car salesman and my mother stayed at home looking after me.

I was a pretty good kid if I remember right, I stayed out of my parents way but came back home when they called me, went to bed when I was told, did my homework...

It was pretty idyllic. We lived in a seaside town in the south, where it was always perfect weather to be outside with my friends. We would explore little rock caves, hunt beetles, ride our bikes around the town of get free ice cream because my best friend's dad was the guy who sold it.

If you think of the perfect childhood I pretty much had it, then we moved away when I was ten.

I still don't really know why we moved, dad's company went down so he lost his job but why we needed to move over to a whole new country I didn't really get.

I guess they didn't really have a reason. They had lived in Spain all their lives, they just wanted a change of pace, right? And that had no idea how much it would get to me.

Dad got a job pretty fast, and it wasn't a bad one either. He started selling houses instead of cars and even though he loved cars he was happy with the job. Mom also started working; we didn't live in such a pretty place anymore, so gazing out the window while peeling vegetables, the radio on and the breeze from the open French window blowing around those huge lacy curtains we used to have around wasn't really doing it for her.

So she started working in the library, and her obsession with books went from there.

I didn't sink into our new life so easily...

I guess everything had worked out so well for my parents that they had a hard time understanding why I was so down... But I had no friends, my ones back home didn't reply to my letters, there was no beach, no huge fields of tomatoes to run around in... Nothing.

Well that's a lie; there were lots of things that the other kids did. There was an arcade, the mall was always full of kids my age at the weekends, and lots of people at my school were part of clubs... But it was so different from what I was used to, it seemed like all the things I wanted to do, I suddenly couldn't, just like that.

Because of this I didn't really make any friends... I knew the language, my English has always been pretty okay but I couldn't connect with any of those guys!

By the time I was twelve, I started to really act out... I guess I was done with feeling lonely, I pushed other kids around and talked back to the teachers...

It was sad, but that's how I started to make friends. I was in a really bad crowd and they only made me worse.

I don't really like who I was, I brought the happiness of the whole family down! My mother was always worried for me, my dad and she had to take time off work so they could pick me up when I was being called in to visit the principle.

I used to be such a good kid, they didn't know how to deal with this, I never had any brothers or sisters so it's not like they knew anything else except the happy easy kid I always used to be.

I was just so lonely, I still didn't feet at home here and it was such a culture shock too! I guess any kid would have reacted badly, but I still feel guilty, I was delinquent.

It all changed when I went too far… I was almost fourteen by then, and I had a little gang of the other mean kids, but none of us really liked each other. We just hung around together because we could only trust each other to cover for us when we skipped class or did stupid stuff like that.

I was teasing some guy about goodness knows what, I don't even remember his name but I remember he was smaller than me, skinnier and a little geeky. He was the kind of guy who only had one or maybe two friends, had more allergies than I could count on both hands, wore big glasses and had a cold all year around.

I pushed him into the mud one afternoon after school and kicked him around in the dirt. It was a Friday, we had just got our tests back and he had an A… He was super excited about it! He was telling everyone that his mom was gonna be so happy and she had promised that they were gonna have pizza that night if he got an A.

Maybe I was jealous or something, whatever it was, I had something against this poor kid because I jumped on him on his way home. It still gets to me when I thing about it, he was having such a great day and I ruined it, I probably ruined his whole weekend. The kid cried and cried even after I stopped. He had a bleeding nose and I noticed his glasses were bent. He kept gagging like he was gonna throw up and he looked even paler than usual… That image is one of my strongest memories.

I had pushed people and shoved them around… I had done things like put paint on their clothes during art class and scribbled in their notebooks, but I had never actually attacked anyone.

I was crying too before I even realised it and I kept on saying I was sorry over and over… But no matter how much I said it I couldn't make him feel better. I had screwed up.

I didn't go home that night; I ran up the big hill on the edge of town and stayed there until late the next morning. I felt sick with guilt and the trouble I was in… How would my parents feel when they heard I had kicked some poor guy into the mud?

Somehow… It was kinda good that I stayed out all night. Well, it was and it wasn't.

My parents had obviously been worried sick, they had called the police and everything when I didn't show up at home the night before. My mom cried when she saw me… They knew what had happened, the mother of the boy I beat up had called the school and the school had called my parents, but they were too happy to see me to get me in trouble right away.

They must have known something was up with me. Finally instead of us all yelling at each other like what usually happened when I did something bad, we all sat down and started to talk.

I told them everything… How I didn't fit in and how lonely I was… How the only way I could get people to talk to me was doing nasty things. I cried a lot too, it was amazing how long the three of us had gone without a conversation like this… They could finally see from my side now! They said they were sorry they hadn't helped me settle in more. They just didn't realise how much the move had affected me! Who could really blame them? I was just a kid.

Things got better from there... I gave the boy I hurt a real apology with the help of my parents and he decided to forgive me. I joined the basketball team and things got better from there.

Because that's how I met Gilbert!

He and I clicked right away! It was like we were supposed to be brothers, even though our personalities were so different we just found it really easy to get along.

He and I spent almost every weekend together, and told each other everything... He's German, remember? So he and I both knew how it felt to move to this new strange place. I told him how I used to be and he could barely even believe it, I was pretty mellow by then... He hadn't been lonely, he was a loud kid who just attracted people, but he did know what it was like to be taken to a totally different life, just like that.

It wasn't long until we met Francis... He was probably the strangest guy I ever met... He was just so crazy!

We met him in a cafe, we were out for lunch at some fast food place and this guy randomly sits with us... Gilbert asks what on earth he's doing he tells us he's running away from some girl he was flirting with's dad! Only two minutes later this huge angry guy scouts around the place looking for 'the punk who was trying to take his little girl'.

The three of us were inseparable after that... Francis joined Gilbert and I easily and we've been together ever since... Well... Until I moved of course...

But those were the golden days! Nothing seemed wrong, we were even the popular guys! I guess I was the kind one, Gilbert was the funny rebel and Francis... Well he was just such a character! I guess we kinda all were... But Francis was just a social butterfly, it was amazing.

When I was around... I can't really remember my age actually... Something seemed wrong. I do know what triggered it, but I realised that...

Well I don't really know how I should put this, but I had realised I was gay. But I didn't realise it at first, I just didn't get it. I thought something was just wrong with me at first, I felt like my connections to guys were much more important than anything I had with girls... And I always wanted to just be with a guy...

I didn't realise I was gay until later... I was out with Francis and Gilbert and I saw two guys together. It wasn't like I had never seen two men in love before, I guess I just never really gave it much attention.

But that day, I don't know why, but I just couldn't ignore them! They looked so happy together and all I could think was...

'I wanna be like that.' and, 'I want to fall in love with a guy.'

And that was that mystery solved!

It was almost disappointing with how quickly this realisation just came and went after I spend so long trying to get it. I guess with all the conflict it caused me I was expecting kind of shift, but really I was the same guy, I had always been the same. I didn't feel any different than when I thought I liked girls.

I told my friends straight away. We didn't have secrets between us three and I wasn't scared. They didn't have anything against homosexuality- even if they did, I'm pretty sure our friendship went past anything like that. They didn't think it was big deal either! In fact, Gilbert wouldn't stop talking about how he 'totally called that' or something.

When we graduated a lot of stuff changed. None of us had planned to go to college or anything. I don't know why, it's not like we weren't smart enough, and if we took jobs then we could have afforded it, and it's not like didn't think we'd get along with people either!

We must have all had our own reasons, whether we were aware of them or not. All I do know is that we weren't doing nothing for long... Francis got his helicopter licence and was taken in by the company he owns now as an apprentice, he was a really gifted flier, and was really great with the clients, so when his old boss retired just a few months after he took Francis on he didn't worry about giving it all to Francis.

Gilbert's been doing the kind of thing he does now since forever! Some people think he must be lazy or something but I know he likes what he does... Hours are good for him, he gets to meet people... He's sold clothes, lawnmowers, mountain gear, soap, fast food, and now milkshakes! It's just his thing, and good for him, right?

I was the only one who left. I really wanted to open a cafe. I just thought they were such charming places! I didn't have to move so far away, away from my friends, my parents, all my memories... But I still did.

It was lonely at first, I was even thankful that I had so much work to do, I totally buried myself in it all day, every day! Maybe that's the reason why the cafe does so well now, I worked so hard in the beginning.

I made a few friends... I even had a boyfriend for a little while, but nothing went anywhere, nothing lasted. I didn't understand! Was I just so close with Francis and Gil' that I forgot how to make friends?

But I was still a nice guy! As far as I knew, I was doing everything right...

It really got me down, it was all I could think about and I was seriously all set to just be my own best friend and live life on my own... It was a real struggle, I could have become a bad person like I did when I was a kid, but I didn't. Instead I just made sure I was busy all day everyday with work. The reason why I'm so close with my co-workers now is probably because I had no one else to speak to!

And I didn't feel like I could go home either... Gilbert and Francis were getting along just fine without me, and before I knew it they had lives that I wasn't a part of.

Obviously I was still close to them! We were still all best friends! It's just that... Well I was so far away, I couldn't see them as much as they could each other and things just got like that. Who could blame them? I was so far away that they couldn't wait on me forever, and I chose to move away.

Gilbert has a boyfriend I never even met; Francis and him have done so much without me. I started to hoard memories; I started living in the past because I wanted it to be like our high school days again! When I could just text one of them and we'd see each other twenty minutes later.

Then I met someone who I feel like I can talk to... Someone who I never ever want to let go.

Who'd have thought it would take a UTI to meet him though, huh?


	34. Chapter 34

_A/N: No prizes for guessing what happenes next chapter_

_Thanks for reading, please review!_

**Chapter Thirty-Three**

**What We'd Do Without Gravity...**

"Your driveway looks weird as fuck without a huge piece of junk sitting there." Lovi told me as we approached my front door.

I gave a small smile; the car was gone for good. A week had passed since it had broke down and the moment the services turned up it became pretty clear that the poor old thing had finally given up for good.

"When are you getting another one? Walking here all the way here from the damn hospital sucked _ass_."

I opened the door for him and we stepped inside. I shrugged, "You know, I don't think I'll get another one for a while."

He turned in the hallway to face me, his nose wrinkled, "What the hell? 'Tonio, Jesus, it wasn't your damn lover, you can get another one!"

I laughed loudly at that, pulling off my shoes, "But why would I need one?" The town was small enough that I could easily walk places, and anywhere far out I wanted to go was only a train ride away.

"To drive _me_ places." Lovino answered. I laughed at that again, at least he was honest!

"Come on," I ushered him into the living room, "Let's pick a few movies."

"Fine." He sighed as he let himself fall back onto the couch, stretching out on it right away, "Then we'll build the blanket fort?"

I nodded, pulling out the DVD boxes I had and the few I rented especially for tonight, and laid them out across the carpet.

"DVDs?" Lovi asked, watching me from his position on the couch, "Jeeze, it's like movie night with a freaking forty year old."

I frowned, "What's wrong with discs?" It seemed these days that I was behind the times for everything according to Lovi!

"What happened to watching stuff online like normal people?" He stretched his skinny arm above his face examining his fingernails.

"Online?" While he was preoccupied I slid out a horror movie that must have been left at my place by Gilbert or Francis and pushed it somewhere out of Lovi's sight, "That sounds dangerous..."

"That's what all old men say." He smirked, looking back over to me, "Let's just get this going, I want this blanket fort built sometime tonight."

"Right!"Back on track! "Let's choose something; what do you want to watch?"

He craned his head forward peering at all the covers.

"Have you seen any of these?"I asked as he looked between them all.

He nodded, "Pulp Fiction. I've seen that way too many times."

I nodded understandingly and pulled the box out of the line I had made, placing it to one side, "Not Pulp Fiction."

"How many are we watching?"

I paused there... I actually had no idea, "Well... You could just pick all the ones you want and we'll just see how far we get!"

He clicked his tongue a few times, "The Breakfast Club."

I looked up to him, my eyes wide. He chose just the one I wanted! "For sure?"

He nodded; I don't think he noticed how excited he just made me! "I've only see the first half hour and I liked it so I want it on."

I nodded, taking the box and putting by the DVD player, "Then how about we pick one more? If we finish the other one too we can play others too!

He shrugged and lay back, closing his eyes, "Then you pick, something modern this time."

"Modern?" I asked looking at the boxes we had left. So none of my rentals caught his eye after all...

He looked over to me again, "Yeah, like the other one is old, so let's get one that's actually from this time."

I laughed, "Come on, the 80s isn't that long ago!" I looked over everything we had left and grabbed a box that I couldn't even remember seeing before in my life. It was an action movie- that's the kind of thing he wanted, right?

"The Fifth Element." I read out the title.

"Seen it, but sure."

I didn't ask any more questions, I put the two DVDs we were using up on top of the TV and shoved the others back on the shelf. Now it was time for the fun part! I stood up and looked at him, "How do you want the blanket fort to look?"

He sat up and gave me a serious look. It was great! We meant business! "It needs a roof on the top, but has to be high enough to sit up comfortably." He scanned around the room, "We're gonna need to shove pins in the walls."

The walls of my house hadn't ever had holes in them, except maybe in the kitchen... I only used blue tack; it just seemed a shame to make holes in the nice paint job!

... But this was a sacrifice I was willing to make.

"We can do that!" I told him, nodding, "How big?"

"As big as we can get it, I want this damn thing to be a chilled out pad." He thought for a second, "Do you have fairy lights?"

"Fairy lights?"

He nodded, "Long wires with little bulbs attached, those things that always end up tangled in a garage. I don't want a lamp, too bright."

"I thought we could just use the light from the TV!"

He rolled his eyes, "Tonio' you idiot! Then it'll be too dark!"

I bit my lip, thinking, "I'm pretty sure there are Christmas lights in the attic!"

He snapped his finger, he really was deadly serious about this, "Go grab them. Get blankets, pillows and anything else... Get cushions."

I nodded, trying to match his no nonsense attitude, "Got it! You try thinking of how you want this to look okay?"

He nodded and walked around the room a few times, sizing it up and with an expression like he wanted to fight it.

I dashed over to get to the attic ladder, ten minutes later my living room floor was covered in everything; Lovi had brought in a few chairs and was setting them up around the room, and he also brought in a little coffee table that he must have grabbed from me room... All the magazines that were on it before were scattered all over the sofa.

"Do you have pins?" He was emptying a duvet out of its cover.

I pulled the bag of them out of my back pocket and shook it in front of him... Good thing too! They were really jabbing my butt!

He pressed one corner of the duvet cover above the TV, "Here?"

I looked over to him, blinking in surprise. Gosh, I wasn't expecting to be asked, "Yeah! If that's where you want it!"

He gave a sigh, "I'm asking if this is where _you _want it. Jeeze, now hurry up, my arm is getting tired."

I frowned, "But this is your-"

"Dammit, 'Tonio! Quit with being all considerate and just tell me yes or no!"

That startled me a little, "Ah- a little to the left!" I ended up saying, "Just so there's some space for stuff to hang down the sides without blocking the screen!"

He did as I said and held out his hand for a pin, I passed it over and the corner of the duvet cover was pinned to the wall, Lovi took a step back to look.

"Was that so hard?"

I laughed, "Sorry, I just thought you wanted this to be your design!"

He shrugged, looking down, "Yeah well... I don't want it to be crap." He kicked a pillow out the way, "We should probably add another pin to that so it stays."

I nodded and passed him another. Things looked more secure that way and soon both corners were pinned to the wall, he used the duvet he had taken out for the cover as something to sit on, putting it against the foot of the couch. He pinned the other side of the duvet cover to the opposite wall... It actually looked pretty neat! We couldn't stand when we were under it, but we could certainly sit comfortably!

Things just took off from there! We put chairs around the edges and draped sheets over them, soon it looked like a real structure! But it was bound to be dark inside though, that's why Lovi crouched down, grabbing the Christmas lights,

"Plug these in, let's get this bitch lit!"

I grinned, grabbing the power plug and untangling it from the rest of the wire... This was gonna look so cool! And snuggling up with Lovi in there, a good movie... Just him and me.

"Turn them on!" He had disappeared inside the fort and into the darkness, I flipped the switch, and suddenly wow! The whole thing seemed to glow in all the different pretty colours of the lights... I could see his silhouette too, the outline was kinda soft and looked so perfect on the white sheet.

I was called in a few minutes later; I didn't dare enter before he allowed me to! He wanted this thing to be just right, if he didn't, it wouldn't have gone on the bucket list!

I was glad I waited, the surprise the inside of what looked like just a load of blankets was something amazing! It was just a little cosy heaven! He was sitting in one corner, on the pile of cushions and covers he was curled up, looking over expectantly at me.

I just wanted to pounce on him so badly that for a second I couldn't even figure out that were was more to see.

I looked up, there was a nice high ceiling, and everything looked so professional!

I gave him a wide smile, "Movie time?"

He nodded.

**.oO0Oo.**

The more time that passed, the harder it was to sit there beside Lovi...

He was just so close... I was even pressed against him; I swear he was leaning on my arm! And I was finding it hard to even breathe right, let alone concentrate on the screen.

I was so wrapped up in this that I didn't even realise it when the movie was coming to an end...Oh gosh. He probably thought I was such a creep with all the glances I kept throwing him.

He sighed, shifting on the cushions he was sitting on, hugging one to his chest, "That ending seemed forced."

I blinked a few times; I must have looked so out of it as I stared at the screen, it only just hitting me that the credits were already rolling, "The ending?" I was coming to my senses again, "But it's so famous!"

He shrugged, looking at me now, "So? It's still a really weird thing to just throw in there... I sure as hell didn't see that coming... Anyone who says they did is a fucking liar."

I laughed at that, "Maybe that was the point."

"And what was the point in making that point?"

I frowned, but couldn't think of anything to say, "Sometimes things don't go the way we expect."

He sighed, "Whatever, talk all the bullshit you want, I'm not buying it."

He didn't say anything that needed a reply with that, instead we were stuck staring at one another, 'Don't You Forget About Me' playing in the background.

I glanced at his lips... And thought of the space between them and my own.

"Still a good movie." He said, even though neither of us had moved an inch he sounded breathless, "Makes other good points."

I nodded slightly, "Are you okay?"

He looked so tense, "I'm fine."

"Your voice sounds strained..."

"That's because I'm nervous."

I don't even know what happened but suddenly our faces were closer... We were sharing very little air between us...

"You shouldn't be nervous around me." My voice came out softer than I intended.

He closed his eyes and gave a rushed exhale, "Damn you, Tonio'."

I smiled, "What?"

I could hear him swallow, "Fuck you, I don't know."

I closed the gap.

His lips were as soft as they looked. His hand grabbed the front of my shirt and I inched forwards, my arm looping around his waist. We were kissing fully, he was so obviously inexperienced but I wouldn't have Lovi any other way. His teeth clumsily hit into mine and he pulled away for a second to curse under his breath.

I pulled him straight back in, I needed to appreciate every inch of this guy, I was in love, I had fallen hard and fast for him.

What the heck was I doing? This was Lovi! And I was all over him... His hands were on my chest now- try to push me away? But he was returning my kisses, his breathing was shaky but the pressure he put on my lips was still there. Was I going crazy? Some part of me expected to blink back into a reality in which we were just sitting like normal, like a scene from that one movie...

My heart had either stopped or was going too fast for my body to feel it... It felt like every muscle in my body was about to turn into water.

We pulled away from each other then, just far enough for our hot breath to hit each other's faces, he didn't meet my eye but his hand was still on my shirt.

I looked down at his face as he looked at a pillow beside us, I looked at him for a long time before realising it-

Hiding how I felt for Lovi...

If I tried that any longer, I was gonna implode,

"I guess this isn't a good time to fall in love with you." I only whispered, but he could hear.

He looked up at me so quickly then that we almost bumped heads. He looked like a deer caught in the headlights... Maybe I had freaked him out, he kisses me in the heat of the moment and suddenly I tell him I was in love with him? It would scare anyone!

But I couldn't keep it in any longer.

"Antonio... I..." He grabbed his pillow and shoved his face into it. It took me a few seconds to realise he was crying. I kept my distance; maybe I shouldn't have been so forward all of a sudden...

I wanted to reach for him, I really wanted to give him a cuddle but I knew that out of everything that was one of the things in that moment that would have helped the least, "It's okay." I told him quietly, "You don't have to say anything, Lovi."

He sniffled and rubbed at his eyes, "I'm not gay..." He spluttered out, "And I'm barely even alive any more."

"We can forget this, but just remember-"

"Shut up!" He looked up at me, tears streaming down his face and finally met my eye, "I love you too!" He yelled loud enough for us both to realise that the music from the T.V had stopped.

Looked at him for a long moment... Suddenly I wanted to cry as well.

No... No, no! What did we do to deserve this!? I wanted get up and run, I wanted to punch whoever was responsible for making what should have been the best moment of my life my most painful one.

"We could have been happy." I said. It slipped out... It honestly wasn't supposed to get past my lips.

Lovi's body made a movement like a small sob as he looked at me; obviously he didn't expect me to suddenly come out with that either.

"How the hell did we let this happen to ourselves?" He had balled his hands up into fists, now we had both said what was out our minds, and they were very similar things. How could we be in love at this stage?

I took his hand and kissed it, telling him I didn't have an answer to his question. Instead I gave him something else, "You're the most amazing person I have ever met, I love you more than I can say."

He gripped my hand tightly and gave a dry laugh, "Well you're fucked for this life."

I watched his slender fingers, "Then I'll love you in the next."

Our eyes met once again and we were kissing before we knew it, this time I could feel his desperation, and I bet he could feel mine... In just a few words each we had made clear that there were no more moments to waste, every second I didn't spend touching him was another opportunity I missed out on.

My hands slipped down his waist... He was wearing a soft over sized sweater and nothing underneath. My fingertips traced along the band of flesh that was revealed along his side, he skin was so gloriously smooth and warm, he seemed to tense up at my touch.

"Is this not okay?" I whispered, kissing along his jaw.

He shook his head slightly, "I've never been with anyone before... It's going so fucking fast."

Despite it all I chuckled, "We can leave it here if you want."

I could almost hear him thinking about it, he put a hand on my upper arm like it was for support and shook his head again, "I want you. Just be gentle... This scares the piss out of me."

I smiled as I started to kiss down his throat, "That's okay... But just remember, it's only me, alright?" I took his hand and squeezed it tightly, "And I love you."

He was crying again, I could tell from his voice, "I know..." He scrubbed at his eyes, "God fucking dammit..."

I smiled and squeezed his hand again, "It's okay."

He gave a heavy sigh, "I feel like a damn kid..." He pulled back to look at me, "But you fucking freak, I want you..."

I pecked his lips, I'm yours for the taking."


	35. Chapter 35

_A/N: Hey! Sorry for the unplanned hiatus, I got really blocked up writing this one, I meant to have it up last week but I only just finished it in time to have it up for today ^^"_

_Hope everyone reading had a fantastic holiday season and looking forward to writing again in 2016 ;D _

_Thanks for reading (and waiting)!_

**Chapter Thirty-Four**

**... To Hold Us Down**

I knew I could never get bored of kissing him, Lovi's lips were so soft and warm against mine that I couldn't help but kiss him so much that before either of us even realised it, Lovi was lying back and I was leaning over him, using every second we had to kiss him.

My hands had slowly started to roam up his chest, his shirt being pushed up as I ran my fingertips over that smooth skin. Lovi had both his hands on my shoulders, squeezing tight enough to make me pull back and look at his face in the dim light,

"Are you okay?" I put one of my hands over his, feeling his slim fingers, "Do you want to stop?"

He quickly shook his head, his lips pressed tightly together,

"You're not ready?"I pulled his hand off my shoulder and kissed it, "That's okay."

He shook his head again and finally spoke, "No, don't stop, dammit!"

"We have time... We don't have to go any further today." My biggest fear was ruining this with him, it always was.

He made a frustrated noise and sat up quickly, "But we don't have time! That's just it!"

Ah, so it was this again. Lovi was afraid and who could blame him? He scared me too, I had been scared since I first met him, the same kind of fear you must get when you're being led to your own execution. Not the fear of the uncertainty, but even worse, the fear of knowing what's coming and anticipating the pain.

This fear was worse, because there was no cure to it. I hated watching Lovi feel that pain, I knew how bad it was for me and for him it was bound to be even worse... It broke my heart.

So we did the only thing we could do.

"Lovi..." I looked into those deep eyes, "I promise that you will wake up tomorrow." I said what I said every night, but this time he didn't look reassured, he sighed instead.

"Lovi?" This usually made him feel better! It made me feel better too.

"Don't you think someone made those promises to Ivan?" He asked, wrapping his arms around himself, "It did fuck all for him."

So he was thinking about Ivan... The guy who started this all. His sudden death had shaken Lovino to the core; you'd have to be blind and deaf not to see that.

I sighed, Lovi was right. My promises were meaningless when it came down to it, a couple of well intended words were no match for death, it would take us when it wanted to. But I couldn't just agree, we didn't need this situation to be any bleaker.

"You can't do this if you aren't ready." Was the only thing I could think of to say- neither of us would be happy if Lovi was uncomfortable or afraid.

He gave a heavy sigh and lay back, limp, "Why don't you think I'm ready?"

I shrugged, watching him, "You seem so afraid."

He shut his eyes, "I am... But I still want this dammit."

I bit my lip, he certainly was good at tempting me, without even realising it, my finger was moving up and down his stomach, tracing random shapes, "I'm so in love with you, Lovi... I murmured, "I don't think I can hide it anymore."

He sat up to punch at my shoulder, "Shut up! Quit saying that!"

I lowered my head, chuckling lightly, "I'm sorry." I looked over his delicate frame, "Can I touch you a little more?"

He nodded quickly and I didn't wait to lean over him and push his shirt up, kissing his stomach, up and along the ridge of his lower lips... My tongue peeked out just a little, which had him grab my hair with a gasp.

"What's the matter?" I was sensitive to every tremor Lovi gave, "No?"

He clicked his tongue, "You don't even put a hand on my shoulder for weeks and suddenly you're like this! How did you expect me to react!?"

I froze for a few moments... So he had noticed the way I was avoiding touching him... But I had been doing that for him!

"I thought you didn't want me to touch you..." He had crossed his arms now, curled up on his side.

"You mean you had no idea what my practically jumping on you meant?" He rolled his eyes, "Jeeze I knew you were an idiot, but I turns you I'm giving you way more credit than you deserve"

My eyes widened. He meant when he hugged me, tried to grab my hand... "But I thought me trying to make a move would upset you! At the pool... I tried to kiss you and the next time you seemed... So upset."

"I thought you didn't like me."

"Never!"

He opened himself up again, "Whatever, shit happened. We don't need to talk about that right now... Yeah I'm fucking nervous but just keep going. I want this to happen, dammit."

I smiled at him again and kissed his slender neck, "Promise to tell me if you wanna stop?"

I felt him nod but he spoke as well, "Yeah."

His shirt was off pretty quickly after that, I was totally obsessed with his body. Everything about it seemed so perfect. Like someone had painted the perfect anatomy and it had come to life. When he started to respond to my touches, things got really good.

His nipples were like stiff little beads balanced on his chest. His hands were raised above his head as I kissed up the middle of his chest, moving up from his neat navel, but as soon as my warm tongue found his nipple he grabbed me, his gasp made his whole body shift and his nails raked up my back, grabbing at the fabric of my shirt.

"Fuck," He whined, "They're too damn sensitive!"

I laughed at that, "No such thing, Lovi..." I moved back up, gesturing to my shirt, "Should I take this off?"

He shrugged, going red as our eyes met, "I guess... If you want."

I pulled my shirt over my head and tossed it aside in one quick motion. I was pretty comfortable with my shirt off, and I didn't want Lovi to feel like the only one.

He yelped and I realised my crucifix necklace had fallen and hit him in the face! Poor guy! I but I couldn't help but laugh.

"Tch!" Lovi brushed the little metal cross away, "Don't laugh dammit!"

I smiled picking up the cross off, "You want me to get rid of this too?"

He pouted angrily at me for a second before reaching out to carefully probe at the chain, "Keep it on, just don't let it break my fucking nose again."

I smiled, brushing his hair away from his face, "I don't think you're gonna get your nose broken."

He raised his brows, "I'm a sickly guy, you don't know that."

I kissed his collar bone, a sigh coming from him,

"I think I'm gonna burn in hell." He said suddenly and clearly. I raised my body off of his then, knitting my brow together.

I looked at his face, he looked tranquil, even more relaxed than he had before, "Why would you say that?" Especially at that moment.

"This makes me gay, doesn't it?" I realised he was watching the cross around my neck as it swung on its chain slowly.

I sighed, pulling the necklace off and putting it aside, "I thought you didn't go for that stuff any more, Lovi..."

He shrugged, "Just because God screwed me over doesn't mean he doesn't exist."

I pressed my lips to his neck, "There's no need for you to think like that..." I paused, "Am I going to hell?"

"What?" He looked at me like I had just suggested we should rob a bank or something, "Fuck no, you're a goddamn saint!"

I smiled at him, "You realise that I'm gay, right? Call me crazy, Lovi but by your logic that makes me a sinner."

He didn't reply instead he changed the subject completely, "Take me to your room."

I reached out and pulled him to my chest, scooping him up and cradling him.

We kissed all the way to my room, even though I had the guy of my dreams literally in my arms, all I could think about for those twenty seconds was how lucky it was that I had changed the sheets on my bed only last night.

I placed him down like he was a precious object, I took the opportunity to take a step back then and admire him, hoping he wouldn't notice.

But he did.

He curled up in a way that reminded me of a mollusc retreating into its shell when prised off a stone, or watching a flower opening in reverse, "Quit staring like that."

I did what he said; I was too needy to argue with him. Instead of telling him how fantastic he looked over and over (when he probably wouldn't even listen) I would prove how much I appreciated him with my actions. His body on mine, maybe that would get though to him the most.

I crawled on top of him, I didn't want to lie on him and end up crushing him, I wasn't really light, so I kept myself up on my arms and knees, leaning down to kiss him... His hands were on my sides, touching me like he was balancing them very carefully...

I didn't like the position, I felt too far away from him, but at the same tome rolling us over might be a little rough for him...

Would he let me lift him?

I didn't ask, too scared to ruin the mood, but I went slow. I took his lips off on mine, so that if he wanted to protest he wouldn't feel like he was pushing me away.

I had my hands under his back and gently pulled him up towards me, off the sheets and against me. He gave a little gasp but didn't tell me to stop... I could feel his hardness against my leg; he seemed to be pretty sensitive.

"Lovino..." I whispered as he dug his nails into my skin, "You're so perfect; I want you more than anything."

He gave the most adorable whine then, I could feel his eyes close, his lashes tickled the skin of my shoulder.

"Dammit..." His voice sounded unsure and strained, "Hurry up!"

I grinned, kissing the side of his head, "Am I embarrassing you?"

He nodded and I ruffled his hair,

"You're too cute for me."

"Fuck off."

That made me laugh, loud enough to dispel any tension left in the room. I gave him a teasing squeeze. I wanted to wink but my face was too deep in the crook of his neck for that.

I put him down again, my hands needed the space to travel down his bare chest and reach the button of his pants, I wanted them off. I needed to see how it all came together under there.

He let me do what I wanted, pretty soon his pants were open and I had my hand down them, massaging his dick through his underwear and letting him squirm,

"We shouldn't be doing this..." He panted, "In front of all your precious... Goddamn plants!"

I paused there and he pointed the window. My curtains were wide open and my special garden was right there, with what he had just said it suddenly seemed wrong! Like the bushes had eyes or something!

I laughed again, head going down so that my hair tickled his smooth chest, "Lovi, you're such a funny guy!"

He lay back, shifting his hips to say he wanted me to keep going, "Well you treat them like pets!"

I kissed his sternum, "You're right, you're right..." I smirked up at him, "Let them watch!"

I took that moment to push my hand down his underwear, grabbing his warm dick in my hand and starting to massage it. It must have come at moment he didn't expect because the sound it made him make was like nothing had ever heard before!

"Ahh!" he arched off the bed and I smiled to myself, glad I had spent the time I did getting him to relax, I could see now how easily he was letting it all come to him, and how good it made him feel, "'Tonio!"

I let my tongue draw a long hot streak over one of his nipples, that were as hard as bullets now, "You like this?"

"Yours..." He breathed, his whole bottom half writhing as I jacked him, "Show me yours, I want to see your... Your cock... Fuck..."

This guy... usually so outspoken, swearing like a sailor without even batting an eye was bright red and tripping over his words. I was pretty sure this was a private show, one that only he had ever seen before.

But what he said even made me blush, the reality was a little overwhelming! This morning I was still getting myself to accept that I would never be with him this way and now we were undressing in front of one another- minutes away from making love.

"You wanna take my pants off?"

Rather than making us both embarrassed by answering my question, Lovi reached for the zipper of my jeans that had got pretty tight and finally gave me some light relief, pulling the zipper down... Lucky thing that I was in my nicest underwear.

He had my belt gripped before Lovi stopped and sighed and let go, "You do it."

I frowned, "Is everything okay?"

"Fine!" He snapped before softening. We couldn't hide from each other, he showed me his hands and I noticed straight away that they were trembling violently, "I'm shaking too much to do anything other than lie here like a damn wooden board.

I chuckled and kissed his shoulder, "I'll do it, don't worry..." I whispered and smiled, "You're too sweet Lovi."

"That's not a fucking compliment." He muttered as I pulled off my pants, casting them aside.

I repositioned myself, my bottom half now exposed and kissed his hand, I totally adored this guy.

We were both naked before we even realised it, it was like I was going to burst... Everything was coming naturally, it felt so right, and it felt so good.

I slid my hands under him, pulling the lower half of his body on top of mine so I was kneeling over him. He looked so small in my arms, he looked almost too delicate.

But we both knew we had to do this together.

He swallowed hard- so hard that his whole chest moved. I smiled down at him... This was all going so fast but I knew that this was right for the both of us, if we didn't do this then it would be all we thought about, I knew that for certain. My hands on his body had consumed me enough before, now that I knew that I could have him...

Well what could I do, right?

I leaned across him, reaching to open the drawer of my bedside cabinet. I could feel his cautious eyes on me. He was so nervous, so much that I felt terrible! I showed him the lube I pulled out and waved it in front of him and flashed him the condom. He needed to know what was happening here every step of the way!

He looked at them before turning his head, he looked like he was trying to bury his face in the pillow!

"Oh fuck..." He breathed and shut his eyes tight, "Fuck."

I tore the condom wrapper open and watched him as I started to roll it onto me, I noticed even my hands were shaking a little too! He was overwhelming me...

His filthy sailor talk, his temper, his sarcasm, his nerves, his difficulty to express what he really meant... I loved every single thing about him.

"You still doing alright?" I caressed his cheek with the hand I hadn't used, "I'll make sure to be gentle."

He nodded, scrabbling around he grabbed my hand and squeezed it, "It just seems realer like this."

"Realer?"

"All this technical shit."

I chuckled, "Technical? Lube?"

He sighed and looked up at me, "You know what I mean, asshole! All the stuff they don't show you in the movies... I haven't seen a sex scene yet that shows all this shit."

I laughed again, "This is better than a movie, I promise... And we're not having sex." I grinned, "I'm making love to you."

"Shut the fuck up!"

I smiled and didn't reply, I just pulled his hips up higher and pressed my fingers against his puckered hole. He gasped as he felt it and I bit my lip, letting the arousal pulse through me... He was going to be tight.

"And you're so big..." He whispered.

I paused for a second, the comment just caught me off guard! Actually, I had been told by other guys that I was... Um... Y'know...

Before!

But I had always brushed it off, sort of said 'You think?' and left it there.

Now though, I felt one thousand feet tall! I caressed his dick, it was sender and dainty, surrounded by silky hair and just perfect. Of course, I expected that, it fit with the rest of him!

Only Lovi could make me this happy, that was for certain. He was the only one who ever did and the only one who ever would.

I pushed one lube coated finger into him. He took it so well, arching his back but other than that he took it well.

It didn't take long for me to be loosening him up with a second digit. I watched as they slipped into his pink pucker and shivered knowing my cock would go in there next. He made a small noise this time, but it wasn't one of protest... In fact, he sounded like he was enjoying himself.

When he was ready and only when he was even asking for it, did I push my cock inside him. I buried deep, like I was trying to reach his core. Even with our hips pressed together I didnl't feel close enough to his centre.

Making love to Lovino was almost frustrating, but the quick hard rolling of my hips as I tried to satisfy myself by reaching into his depths created a sensation very special for us both. The room wasn't quiet anymore, I couldn't hear every sound Lovi made because the two of us were panting and making noises of pleasure too loud to hear any whimpers,

"'Tonio... Fuck... Oh fuck!" Was one thing I could find among all the noise, by the time we finally reached the top we were both covered in a film of sweat.

I came inside him at last, I could feel the heat and he seemed to jump in surprise as he felt it. Lovi had climaxed seconds before me; we were so perfectly in sync... I was overjoyed!

We slowed down enough for me to realise that Lovi had also been moving his hips back against mine. So he had enjoyed it... He truly had.

"Did I do okay?" Lovi asked breathlessly as the dust settled and we both started to recover.

I couldn't believe he had asked me that, "You were amazing." I told him, pulling him to my damp chest. It was a little embarrassing to be so sweaty but I was past caring, I just had to hold him.

I sort of wished we had lain in each other's arms then, talking about love, hopes, fears, and everything in between... The perfect romantic ending.

But in reality we were out before we even had time to think about those things, fast asleep in each other's arms.

Which I guess was perfect in its own ways.


	36. Chapter 36

_A/N: Just in time with this one! Happy new year and please review!_

**Chapter Thirty-Five**

**And The Hardest Part of This is Leaving You**

I woke up four hours later. It was dark and I was disorientated, I had no idea what the time was, I could have been sleeping for twenty minutes or two weeks could have passed for all I knew.

But slowly it started to come back to me again. I sat up a little when I felt another person's presence beside me. I remembered that Lovi was next to me and in a jumble I started to recall what we had done...

At first I felt a strange rush of anxiety- I couldn't make sense of it, we made love that night, right? I closed my eyes again for a second and let the memory wash over me. Yeah, we had done something the two of us wanted more than anything... So why did the memory fist hitting me send such a panicky feeling through me?

I bit my lip, just the very day before I was so sure I was going to have to accept that he wouldn't love me and all of a sudden I had come as close to his soul as humanly possible! If he hadn't been sleeping beside me I probably would have convinced myself the whole thing was a dream sequence!

I reached out, he was curled up next me, facing the window, fast asleep. I leaned over him and tucked his hair behind his ear. I looked at his sleeping face, he seemed to be so deep into whatever dreams he was having, his lips were slightly pursed and he looked tense but he was undeniably sleeping. I put the back of my hand to his neck, he was hot. I compared it to myself and nodded, he was definitely running a temperature... But he always seemed to be these days, and it didn't seem high enough to justify disturbing him.

I sat back, putting my hand to my mouth; I didn't know what would come out of there! Would I laugh, cry, or both?

My shoulders shook a little but I still couldn't tell. I guess nothing in me knew how to act. This was the most fulfilling, beautiful, heartbreaking, best thing to even happen to me. I looked at Lovi again but even in the dark it was like looking at the sun... I ran my fingers though my hair, the one rational bit in me was poking me in the ribs, 'as incredible as this guy might be he will break your heart'.

For some reason this rational part took on the voice of Gilbert!

I sighed quietly and finally smiled. There was no point in thinking all that now, I did it enough... How could I possibly lie there next to the most beautiful, most amazing person I had ever met, still feel where we had touched one another, and not be happy?

The panic still remained a little, in the back of my mind I could picture him waking up, realising what had happened and hating me... He was so willing the night before but I had no idea how he had felt before he told me... What if he didn't mean it somehow?

Whatever he said when he woke up, I knew that I would never be able to let go of the memories from that night... His smooth olive skin, his sweet youthful sounding voice... And of course...

My face burned a little, I felt like a pervert as I remembered the sight of his pink hole spreading around me, those thighs spread, pelvis wriggling to get me in more, back arching more than I even though was possible and his slim cock dripping clear beads onto his abdomen...

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly; holding my breath and tensing up totally, the image was too much! I was totally ecstatic! _I_ had that memory now! It was the most precious thing in my life and no one could take it from me!

Once I calmed down I realised that I wasn't going to be able to just go back to sleep. I glanced back at Lovi and noticed for the first time that he was lying with his ear phones.

The first thing that hit me was that for him to get those, go all the way to my living room in the nude, fumble around in the dark to grab his head phones and ipod, and then come back to bed, he must have been awake. The fact that he didn't shove me awake to tell me that he never wanted to see me again was a really good sign!

Then I started to wonder what made him want to get it. I knew a lot of people liked music to get them to sleep, but what was he listening to?

I slowly reached out and took an ear bud, he didn't even stir, but as soon as I pulled the bud away from his ear I noticed how loud he had his music. I didn't get how anyone could have possibly fallen asleep with that booming, especially as deeply as Lovi was asleep right then.

I put it too my ear, I had no idea what kind of music to expect,

"_And you could call this the funeral  
I'm just telling the truth  
And you can play this at my funeral  
Wrap me up in Chanel inside my coffin  
Might go to Hell and there ain't no stopping  
Might be a sinner and I might be a saint  
I'd like to be proud, but somehow I'm ashamed  
Sweet little baby in a world full of pain  
I gotta be honest, I don't know if I could take it"_

I looked at Lovi with narrowed my eyes, what was this? This the music… It was so depressing. Not just normal sad depressing, it was almost suicidal… But why would he listen to this? Didn't he say it himself? Sometimes he was so surrounded by death that it was too much!

"_Tell my sister don't cry and don't be sad  
I'm in Paradise with Dad  
Close my eyes and then cross my arms  
Put me in the dirt, let me dream with the stars"_

I swallowed hard as I watched his face, maybe looking for some kind of answer but nothing was coming. It hurt to listen to this, knowing Lovi had this kind of music… It just baffled me, were these the kind of things he was thinking? How could he?

"_Throw me in a box with the oxygen off  
You gave me the key then you locked every lock  
When I can't breathe, I won't ask you to stop  
When I can't breathe, don't call for a cop  
I was naive and hopeful and lost  
Now I'm aware and trapped in my thoughts"_

That's when I yanked the ear bud out and dropped it onto the sheets in front of me, swallowing hard. This music… Why would he want to hear that? It was heart breaking thinking that this was the kind of thing he subjected himself to. I lay back, realising that somehow I had broken out in a cold sweat, and gripped the sheets tightly until my worries put me back to sleep.

**.oO0Oo.**

The next time I opened my eyes, light was streaming into the room. I blinked and looking around I noticed that this time, Lovi too was awake. He was out of bed, standing by the widow, looking out, He had my green comforter around him, wrapped over his shoulders in a way that told me there was nothing on him under it.

I gave an audible yawn to grab his attention and tell him I was awake now too. I was still a little nervous, I had no idea how the morning would go, and the confusion I had felt after hearing that music was still there, it hadn't left me yet and I doubted it would until I got answers.

"There's a weed out there…" He told me without even looking over, "Jeeze, get it together."

I smiled, out of all the things he could have said, this was one of the good ones. I stood up and walked over to join him. I didn't bother with any blankets or clothes. That got him to look at me! I smiled as he looked me up and down with wide eyes, and I could see he was gripping the comforter tighter,

"D-Don't just come over to the window dammit!" He glared at me but I could still see his eyes flicking down from my face to my chest, "Someone will see you!"

I chuckled and slowly looped my arm around his waist, "It's okay, the neighbours can't see in here, the plants are too high!"

He tutted but leaned into me subtly, "That's what you think, jackass."

It took a few seconds but he turned around and hugged me properly then, pressing his face to my chest.

"How did you sleep?" I placed my hand on top of his head, my fingers lacing through his hair.

He nodded, "Fine..." He gave a contented sigh, "It was fine."

I hesitated, thinking of that sad song that was playing, "You were listening to music."

"Yeah." He stepped back, stretching, "I can't sleep without it."

He went and sat on the bed, I didn't follow, my head was too taken up, questioning what to say next.

I leaned back against the wall, trying to stay casual, "What kind of stuff do you like to go to sleep?"

He shrugged, pulling the comforter more around his shoulders, "Just whatever I feel like."

I bit my lip and looked at the floor, "You were listening to some pretty depressing stuff last night." There really was no other way around this...

He looked up at me quickly, his eyes narrow, "How the hell do you know?"

"I heard it..." There was no use in hiding it, "It was just so sad!" I told him, "That song... Why do you listen to that stuff?"

He clicked his tongue and looked aside, "Why? They're songs about dying."

I took a few steps closer to him, "I don't understand, how could you enjoy that? Doesn't it just make you sad."

"No..." He shrugged, "They make death seem romantic, and hell knows I need shit like that."

"It's not good to make death romantic, Lovi."

He snapped then, standing up quickly, "Why the hell not!? Because I'll let it win?! In case you haven't noticed it won a long time ago!" He gritted his teeth, his eyes were burning, "You have no idea how empowering that shit is!" He started to laugh then but they sounded more like sobs, "This is the one thing I can force death to do, it's fucked me up so I need this... I need to twist it into something good..."

"But you haven't lost yet! You can't say that... Or it really will win." I felt like what I was saying was pathetic... Like bubbles that he was popping with his spiky words. They held no body to them, they all fell flat.

They were just the things I was meant to say. But even as I spoke them I wasn't sure if I believed them...

"I haven't lost yet?!" He looked like his anger was causing him physical pain, "Have you seen me!?"

"You're beautiful!" This I did mean, and nothing he was going to say next would swat that away.

He shook his head, "You're wrong..." You see what you want see, "I've got bags under my eyes, I'm so skinny that I'm just bones and skin... My hair is so thin it's like it all falls out and re-grows every day! My skin is an ugly shade, my eyes are dull, everything looks dried out and ready to give out at any second."

I looked him up and down, he was...

He was right.

He was still beautiful to me, in every possible way, but he was still right. He was a shell of the guy I first met, when I first met Lovi, he was totally different from what was standing in front of me now.

But he still was beautiful, I was right, he really couldn't take that from me.

"You don't understand." He added, "I thought you could, but you don't!"

He fled the room then, dumping the comforter in the doorway. I stood up and started to chase him, finding him in the living room, grabbing his clothes.

"No, wait!" I was panicking now, I knew if I let him leave I wouldn't see him again. That was just the reality, "Lovi, please stop."

He pulled on his shirt and glared at me, "Fuck off."

I gritted my teeth and without even realising what I was doing shouted back at him, "What do expect me to do!?"

That stunned him at least enough to stop, he looked at me instead and I decided to go on while I still had him,

"I love you, Lovino." I told him sincerely, "I can't let you say this, I can't tell you you're not beautiful because to me every inch of you is." He still wasn't moving, "I'm sorry I didn't understand... But listen to yourself. Would it make you happy if I told you that death had won? I love you and it hurts so I can't think that way!" I pushed my hand though my hair, "I just can't."

He was looking at the floor and I sighed in relief, knowing he wasn't going to leave anymore.

He looked up to me, he had vulnerability written all over his face, "If I don't listen to people telling me that death is good... What do I have?"

I smiled and opened my arms for him, "You have me."

He went to them and hugged me tightly and despite the sadness it filled me with warmth.

He pressed his face into my chest, "You're the opposite of what I need."

I kissed the top of his head, "How's that?"

He dug his nails into my back, "Because I'm scared to leave you... I'm scared of going without you."


	37. Chapter 37

_A/N: It'll all be over before we know it..._

_Thanks for reading! Please review_

**Chapter Thirty-six**

**Keep Together as We're Torn Apart**

A week passed and I did notice a change between Lovi and I. The big one was that he spent more time at my place. It was easy, free, and I loved spending time with him, cooking, watching TV or just curling up on my bed next to each other.

We hadn't gone as far as we had on our movie night, Lovi seemed too tired by the time it felt right for me to take the step forward for anything like that... But it was still intimate, he would often lean on my chest, or lie over me and fall asleep like that so I couldn't move for hours! I never got bored of just doing that, stroking his hair, watching him breathe. I would sleep with him sometimes.

He was sitting on the carpet, leaning on the bed and watching me as I stood outside. The window was open and it was a beautiful day, warm sunshine and only a little breeze. Lovi was stretched out and we were calling to each other, my window wide open so there wasn't a barrier between us as I watered my garden.

"You don't need to give him anything." I looked over to him, he looked slightly ruffled in the heat, he had a shirt of mine on but it was wide open and he only had his boxers on his lower half, "In fact he would probably prefer if you didn't if he knew it was causing you all this trouble."

"That's not the damn point!" There was a pause, Lovi probably sipping his drink or something, "It's on the bucket list because I actually want to give him something!"

I wet my hand and wiped it over my forehead, as midday came closer the temperature was climbing, "Because you think you owe him?"

"No! Because he's my grandpa and I love him!"

We had really been going around like this for ages, pretty much since he had got here just over an hour ago.

The bucket list was almost complete- there were only two things to do left, and only one that was realistic.

We weren't going to be able to explore Italy, and though he hadn't said anything I think he had accepted that a while ago. We just didn't have the time or the money... I didn't know how he felt about it either. I wondered if it really upset him. From the very start he had been sceptical about us completing the list, but when we started to get through it the two of us felt some hope... We had flown in a balloon together! We had done so much! But there just wasn't a trip to Italy in our future.

There was one more, one but I had found that ticked off a few days before. It was the one item that had bothered me, the one that I knew I had to get done somehow, no matter what, because I couldn't believe it had been on there in the first place.

I had looked at those words so much that I could remember them verbatim now- 'fall asleep with everything feeling right'... Why was that on there? It was like he had never truly been happy.

I had seen the list a few days ago, I couldn't even remember why I had been looking at it, sometimes I just got it out and read it over with no reason. That one was gone, Lovi must have gotten a hold of it and scribbled it out.

It had surprised me so much that I had even dropped the paper! I had no idea he had done that, he never said a thing...

Of course, I didn't wait around for him to tell me, the moment I saw him next I was sure to ask him... If he had crossed it off on my copy he knew I was bound to ask that, right?

"You crossed off something from the bucket list!" I said that to him before I had even said hello! But my questions had been with me for hours by then, and I was desperate to know when he ticked this off, and why.

He furrowed his brow at first, not understanding, before blinking a few times and blushing, "I don't even know what you're talking about."

I knew he was lying... He was just embarrassed. I guess this part of this list was the most personal and emotional... But he knew I was going to see it.

Luckily I had brought evidence, I pulled out the list then and shown him, now he really couldn't escape my questions! I even pointed to what I meant, just to be sure!

He looked down then, I wondered for second if he was gonna pretend not to see it! But not even Lovi would act that silly, he bit his lip and shrugged.

I took his hand and gave it a light squeeze, "When did it happen?" I shook my head quickly, "Why was it even there?"

He gave me a small smile, "The reason on there is pretty self explanatory... I crossed it out when I woke up that first night at your place. It was sitting out on your bedside table."

I smiled back at him gently, "You were happy?"

He shoved into me, "Jackass, why the hell else would I get rid of it!?"

I laughed then, using the opportunity to pull him into a hug, "That means a lot you know."

He snorted, "I'm the one with the bucket list, if anyone knows that shit it's me."

I tightened my hands on the handle of the watering can; my heart was warm at the memory. The thought of Lovi finally being happy was enough, but the idea that he could have been happy because of me... It meant a lot.

So there was just one thing left now. Lovi wanted to 'repay' his Grandpa in some way... We weren't going to be able to give him money. Neither of us had enough for something like that, and even then, it would seem that Lovi's Grandpa wouldn't even take any money if we even tried.

That's when it got a little tricky- we had to give back some other way. It didn't really help that I didn't know that much about this guy, I had never even met him, and Lovi was being really picky. He said that he wanted to give his Grandpa an experience he'd never forget! I guess I couldn't blame him for wanting something like that. I had certainly been told enough about how much Lovino's family had done for him... But it was just so hard!

One idea I had that Lovino liked a lot was that this be an experience he and his Grandpa could enjoy together. But as much as that helped us, it also made thinking of something a whole lot harder too...

Lovi's Grandpa seemed to enjoy all the things Lovi couldn't do! It was stuff like climbing up mountains, taking on physical challenges, all the crazy, manly, back breaking stuff that a guy who's weak and ill just couldn't do!

"You should do something with him." Lovi called over after taking some time to think again.

I grinned over at him, thinking he was joking, "You think so? That might be a little weird."

He got up then and made his way over to me looking at the flowerbed I was watering, "Seriously, the only shit I can do with him is thae crap that he thinks is for wusses..."

I gave him a light pat on the back, "He'll enjoy whatever it is if he's with you!"

He clicked his tongue, "He's seen plenty of me over the past nine-teen years!"

I pulled him in to my side, resting my head on his playfully, "It will never be enough, trust me Lovi..." I kissed his temple, "There's no need to stress yourself out over this!"

He elbowed me as he pouted, "But I want him to know how thankful I am!" He rubbed his face with his hands in frustration, "I'm such an idiot for not doing something like this before!"

I laughed, "You need to calm down!" I grabbed the watering can and sprinkled a little of the cool water over his chest. He was like a cat then with the way he jumped back in fright!

"What the hell was that for!?" He wrapped his arms around his bare and now wet chest defensively.

I laughed, "To cool you down!"

He glared over at me before opening his arms to inspect the damage with his own eyes, "Well you got your own damn shirt wet, so who's the real loser here?"

I walked over to him and scooped him up, putting his light fragile frame over one shoulder. That got him to start kicking up a fuss big time! He always did when I carried him like this!

"What the fuck are you even doing now!?" He paused, looked over to where we had just come from as I stepped into my room, "You need to water those fucking plants, you're leaving them to _die_."

I lay him down on the bed; I was just used to him being dramatic now, "They'll survive for a few hours."

He put his hand on my forehead, pushing my face away from his "While you do what exactly?"

I leaned down and pecked his lips before I rolled aside and lay on my back next to him, "Your Grandpa will enjoy whatever you choose, I promise."

He sighed, "Yeah that doesn't mean I can't try and make it the best I can. Tch, why couldn't he like things like fucking spa trips?"

I gasped then, my eyes widening... Did I have an idea!?

Lovi heard me and pounced on the moment, "What?!" He looked down at me, "Did you think of something!?"

"How about hot springs?"

His brow furrowed a little, "Hot springs?"

I nodded, sitting up slowly, "There's a natural hot spring about an hour north from here... It's a great nature escape with a little rustic hotel and not much else. I figure he'd like getting back to nature?"

Lovi nodded slowly, "Yeah, I guess."

"Then he'd love it there. There are lots of places to walk to and explore around, it's nothing too strenuous so you could definitely take a few walks with him. It's not up mountains... But it's pleasant. How about there for a night or two?"

Lovi nodded as he listened to me trying to sell this place to him, "This sounds good, but how the heck did you hear about this place?"

"I've been there; it was a weekend when I was about sixteen..." I smiled at the memory, "It was a really beautiful place."

Lovi hadn't said yes yet and even though he was still sceptical, I could see in his eyes he was excited, "The place might not even exist anymore."

I grabbed my laptop and started it up. After around twenty minutes of searching I found it- it had changed its name since I was there, but aside from that it was no different to how I remembered it. The same family still ran it alone and the website made it look as small and as modest as it was when I was there.

I hovered my cursor over the prices, "See this is two nights, you get breakfast and dinner, and as much time in the spring as you want!"

Lovi read over the deal a few times, "This place seems obscure."

I shrugged, clicking the link to the photo gallery, "Does that matter?" I looked at the photos for a moment before moving on to the next one, "It's something you and your Grandpa can do together... It's cheap, the people are nice... Chances are you'll be the only ones there,"

He sighed and nodded, "Okay, we'll do it. Do they have a room for three people?"

I paused and frowned, "Three? Are you taking Feli too?"

He looked up at me, "No... Three as in you, me, and Grandpa... Jeeze, can't you even count?"

I smiled then, laughing lightly, "Lovi you know I can't come. This is something for just you and him."

He looked personally offended at that, "What the hell do you mean you're not coming?"

"I mean I'm not coming Lovi. This is for the two of you; it wouldn't be the same if I was there."

He gripped the pillow he had on his lap tightly, "But you said we'd do the bucket list together!"

I smiled and stood up, stretching, "We have kinda! We found this place together, didn't we?"

He looked down, curling up a little, "I want you to be there..."

I ruffled up his auburn hair before taking his hand and kissing it, "Think about it, I don't even know this guy, you'd have to think about how him and I were getting along, introducing me to him... He would prefer quality time with you and think about how uncomfortable it would make him if some guy he never even knew before turned up to something as special as this! And didn't you say this was all about him?"

I knew Lovi wasn't happy with my response, but we both knew nothing he said would make me come, and at the same time, nothing would stop this trip from happening.

"Next you'll say you're not coming to my damn funeral."

"Don't say that!" I closed my laptop, "I'd never miss something like that..."

We moved to the kitchen after that, the plan was to have some lunch and then we'd book the room at the hot springs.

I was putting a salad together, Lovi was sitting on the counter watching before he finally said something that wasn't a complain about my salad making skills,

"I want to die here."

The comment was so random and unexpected that I almost sliced my finger as I chopped up celery.

Die here?

"What do you mean?" I stopped putting the knife down. I knew that if I carried on using it during the conversation Lovi was about to pull me into there would be an accident.

He stayed casual as he spoke, I could tell he had been thinking about this a lot, "I refuse to die on those crappy hospital beds, with all those other guys watching..." He bit his lips, cracks starting to show, "I don't wanna be on my own..."

I closed my eyes for a second, needing composure, "I thought they weren't going to discharge you."

"I know... But I'll know when it's coming. There'll be some kind of instinct, I'm sure of it. When I think it's coming I want to be here."

I pushed myself up to sit on the counter beside him, placing my hand around his waist, "Don't you want to be at home, Lovi? In your own room?"

He shook his head, "I know what I want. I want to feel safe in those last hours."

"You feel safe here?"

He nodded, "You make me feel safe... And I want you to be with me... I want you to tuck me in and make me feel like everything will be okay."

That's when it got too much, I grabbed Lovi and pressed him against my chest, "Then you can be here... You can stay as long as you need! I love you so much, Lovino, I want to protect you!"

I heard a small shaky laugh, "I knew I wanted it to be here, ever since I first came over."

I tilted his chin and we kissed, a firm but warm loving one on the lips, "It is a nice house, right?"

He nodded as I got back down and carried on with the salad, "It looks like you."

I laughed at that, "It looks like me! How is that possible?"

He kicked me in the side lightly, "You know what I mean, dammit. It looks like your personality."

We ate soon after that and within an hour the hot springs trip was booked and I had paid for it. I knew that Lovi was a little weary of the place, he wasn't sure what this Grandfather would think, but I knew it would work, because they would have time together. That's what the whole trip was really about.

But as we booked it I felt a little sad. That weekend Lovi would go and the bucket list, or the items that we could do, would all be finished.

What would happen after that? Our whole relationship was built on this list and no matter how much we loved each other, once it was gone we had nothing to aim for any more... We'd just have something to run from.


	38. Chapter 38

_A/N: Fun fact- When Lovi and Rome are talking to each other it's all Italian! Sadly, I don't know enough Italian to write it in actual Italian :(_

_I think there's a twist in this one that might be quite unexpected..._

**Chapter Thirty-Seven**

**Someone Who Actually Loved Me**

**LOVINO'S P.O.V**

I couldn't say I was happy that Antonio backed out of this trip after insisting we do the whole bucket list together, but I guess I kinda saw his point.

I lay in that godamn hospital bed, trying to ignore Vash's snoring and how the bed next to me had need emptied the night before last, and sighed. It was all ending.

'Tonio knew that too, he tried to hide it obviously but he was a little bit of a dumbass, I could see it written all over him that he was just as scared as I was. Once this was over what the hell would keep me going? I couldn't die before because I always had something important coming but now what?

I didn't think I would have long once this was done. That big dope didn't know the half of it. The only reason why he knew how bad I was already was because I got mad and told him all about it when I wasn't thinking straight.

I didn't want him to know, one of us was getting torn up over it, what was the point of it happening to us both? I liked this, I didn't want him getting hurt and I didn't want the truth to change him.

The fact that either of us had feelings for the other in this kind of situation anyway was fucking ridiculous... It wasn't so bad when I thought I was going unrequited, then I could at least repress it... Now what the hell did I do?

Grandpa and I set off the next day. In some ways I felt bad dragging him out to a place neither of us knew with such short notice, but when I told Grandpa that I wanted to take him away for a weekend spend some time together, he seemed so happy that I knew I could have said we were going to the fucking moon and he wouldn't pass it up.

I fingered the paper in my lap, since neither me nor Gramps actually ever heard of this place's existence before, 'Tonio had written us directions on how to get there. It didn't seem hard and we were on the right track apparently but as we looked around out the windows all we could see was trees. No more damn civilisation here.

"Isn't this rural?" Grandpa boomed next to me, he hadn't stopped singing his praises about our surroundings since we left town, "It's wonderful to see a place so green!"

"It's not Italy though." I reminded him, wrinkling my nose as we passed over road kill.

Gramps laughed. If there was one thing that was going to make this whole trip worth it, it was this. Grandpa had seemed happier in the past forty minutes than he had since what seemed like forever. At least a trip away from it all was something Antonio and I got right, this guy seriously needed a break.

Grandpa tutted, "Of course it's not Italy!" He reached over and patted my hand, "It is different of course, but still beautiful in its own way."

I sighed, I knew once I was gone and once Feli had made his own life here, Grandpa would move back to Italy before you could even say 'fuck this country'. But I guess if he was enjoying the scenery then that was a good sign, I guess he was just too happy to be away from town with all the work to do and bills to pay.

I looked over to Grandpa, he was smiling as he took the car along the twisty country road... I had to get rid of my fucking foul attitude. Grandpa deserved a break from that crap more than anyone and how the hell did I show him how much he had done for me when I was bitching and moaning every ten minutes. I had to say nice shit or keep my mouth shut.

I twisted my hands in my lap, staring down at 'Tonio's weirdly pretty handwriting coupled with his crappy hand drawn map. Jeeze, when I wasn't talking shit did I really just have to sit in silence?

If I was a fictional character I would be the most one dimensional piece of shit...

I swallowed hard, what would Antonio say? He would probably be better than holding a normal conversation (key word: normal) with this guy than me, the one who had grown up with him for almost twenty years.

"I didn't find this place." I blurted out, trying to get the show on the road, "A close friend did."

Shit, two sentences in and I was bringing up Antonio.

I had decided that Grandpa could never ever know about Antonio so long as I was still alive. Sure, he could know who he was, he was just a big dope who Feli worked for, but as long as there was breath in my body and I was anything but a pile of ashes, he wouldn't know who 'Tonio was to _me_.

How would he feel knowing his Grandson had even more reason to be alive? I already knew the fresh hell he went through seeing Feli grow up and be so alive while I deteriorated next to him... He saw in Feli all the reasons to live, Feli was happy, he was getting independent, finding his way in the world... Falling in love even with that big ol' lump of German man power. Meanwhile he also had to watch me miss out on everything. If he knew I was in love he would just see something else, Antonio that is, be taken from me.

And he would know another person would be mourning me at my funeral.

"A friend?" To be honest, it might have even been a mistake to say that I had a friend at all; this was bound to escalate, "Lovi! You never mentioned this! How long have you been friends with this person?"

I shrugged, I hated that such a dangerous conversation was making me feeling all weird inside. I guess no one had really acknowledged 'Tonio and I were close until now and it made me feel pretty good to hear it, "Like four months or something... He's a good guy."

Grandpa cleared his throat and I braced myself, he always did that when he wanted to put off something he didn't want say for a few seconds, "Then he knows?"

Thankfully he had the good grace not to some shit like 'your condition' or 'your problem'. Grandpa knew me too well for that crap; it always made me feel uncomfortable. Luckily we also didn't need to use something like that for us both to know exactly what he meant.

"Yeah." I pressed my lips together for a second. Boy, did Antonio know, "He knew from the start."

"How did he react?"

I shrugged, "Like you would expect before I told him he could quit that or leave me forever."

Grandpa sighed, "You need to stop telling people that they can't feel sorry for you Lovi... It's a lot harder than you think."

I rolled my eyes, "What and sit around and listen to their crap over and over?"

Jesus fucking wept. Listen to that, I could barely open my mouth once without garbage coming from it.

"He was fine with it." I said before I could get aggravated anymore, "He's a good guy."

"Ah!" The noise Grandpa made me look over to him, "Could this be the man Feliciano works for? Was it the cafe owner...? Or his boss at the movie theatre...?"

I tensed up for a second, giving Grandpa a stricken look. Fuck. How the hell could I forget about Feli telling Grandpa about Antonio and me? That kid was a blabber mouth if ever there was one!

"It was the cafe owner!" I gripped the door handle tight, "What did Feli tell you about him?"

I hadn't told Feli about Antonio and me being as close as we were, and I had made Antonio swear his silence too. But Feli had been telling me he knew I loved 'Tonio for ages, before I even knew myself... He wouldn't just tell me that either, and if anyone was gonna believe the crap Feli said it was Grandpa.

Grandpa chuckled, "He sounds like a kind man... Feliciano did tell me about the two of you once, I hear he was very good to you when you had an episode. Keep him close, Lovino!"

"I do that already."

"Feliciano says he's a hunk as well! Before he and Ludwig met he would tell me on and on what a wonderfully good looking and amazing man Antonio was!" Grandpa laughed, "He had certainly taken a fancy like a little love bird... He made me root for him for sure."

Wait... Feli used to have a crush on 'Tonio...? The same idiot Spaniard who I had been accidently calling 'my Antonio' lately? "You're kidding." I spoke cool-y for someone who felt like they were about to burn up from the inside out.

"But that was all before Feliciono met Ludwig. Have you met Ludwig? Isn't he a grand looking guy? You know your Grandpa used to have muscles like those in his heyday."

I attempted my best humorous smirk, "Sure you did."

Grandpa laughed, "Of course... I'm glad Feli had found someone even it's just for now... He's not getting hung up on all these different men like he used to now, it's stable."

"Hung up like he did on Antonio?" My Antonio.

Grandpa nodded, "You should have seen him the night he got a kiss from Antonio, he wouldn't stop talking about it... It was his first kiss after all, and apparently it didn't stop there either."

And it was like I had been punched in the gut.

'_You should have seen him the night he got a kiss from Antonio_'.

_'It didn't stop there either'._

No fucking way.

So yet again, I had come second to my little brother.

I had come second to getting the one guy who told me no matter what I would come first to him.

Grandpa continued, like some fucked up God had decided to rub salt in the wound, "Feliciano is blessed I supposed, if things don't work he could probably get the guy right back!" He smiled, "And then all three of you could spend time together."

"Sounds great." I bit my tongue before I could say anything else. Good thing Grandpa wasn't exactly sharp enough to see how laced with spite my words were.

We arrived five minutes later. I felt like there was a tennis ball lodged in my throat and it physically hurt to smile as the owners, a small, gentle looking old couple, came to greet us. I couldn't even say hello, I just nodded instead like a fucking moron.

What was worse? The fact Antonio kissed and probably even fucked the brother who he promised he loved me over? Or the fact I never even knew?

My whole mind had gone into meltdown. I swear it was like I had learned to stand for the first time and someone had come along and swiped the rug from under me.

"Your room is right upstairs." The woman patted a head of a dog as it came out of the house and to her side, "I'm Agatha and this is Giles." She nodded to the man who was trying to help Grandpa with our bag before smiling at me when she noticed me staring at the dog, "Her name is Cranberry, she's a little shy."

I looked back at Agatha and tried to give a small friendly laugh. Fuck, I needed to get over myself before they thought this trip was a kind man giving a moron kid a place to be free or something.

I reached out my hand to Cranberry, letting her sniff it before backing away with a whine. Great, so I couldn't even get a dog to be close to me.

Agatha scratched behind Cranberry's ears, "Oh don't worry, you just need to get used to people don't you, Cran?" She kneeled down to address Cranberry.

"We'd love it if the two of you could join us for lunch." Giles said after finally accepting the only one who Grandpa would let drag our bag around was Grandpa himself, "We were just about to get started!"

Grandpa laughed before patting me on the back. Thank god. Grandpa was too proud to take someone's food like that. It was ridiculous but for once I was glad. I needed a minute, and trying to make conversation with total strangers didn't seem great right then

"Don't worry, Lovino and I don't want to intrude, we'll just unpack upstairs."

"Oh no, there's plenty to go around! We love company."

He said no, didn't you hear the first time, you old bag?

Shit, that was too far. It was too mean even in my head. I was just so fucking messed up… I couldn't get the idea of Feli with Antonio out of my head… That asshole, why didn't he even tell me!?

I could imagine it now… the two of them had probably planned this or something. Hell, Feli knew I would never want Grandpa to know about Antonio and me so he convinced Antonio to string me along for a while, I would never know, I wouldn't know anything different… It was just one big plan so I would think someone loved me before I died.

It would have been the perfect crime if it wasn't for Grandpa's big mouth.

I had probably told Feli about the bucket list too, he would have told Antonio about it. I always thought it was weird how Antonio had brought that shit up like he did when we met. He was probably just using it as a big fucking hook, the best way to drag me in. Once we had started the bucket list I would feel close to this guy.

There was probably never anything there, I just fell in love with something artificial.

It was too good to be true anyway, I was an idiot to think someone loved a little brat like me.

Grandpa held out his hands and smiled. Oh shit, he was about to agree to this.

"In that case we'll be right there!" He grabbed our bag, "Come on Lovi, let's get this up stairs, we can't keep anyone waiting."

I gave them all one last smile and nod, just so that if they had noticed my foul fucking mood, they would maybe see it wasn't aimed at them or their hotel. They were probably thinking I was some spoilt teenager who wanted nothing less to be dragged out to the middle of nowhere with my Grandpa where I couldn't cuss out a ten year old on fucking x-box live.

It didn't take long for us to find our room; given there was only two of them.

I had no freaking idea what feng shui was, but I felt like this room had it down. There was lots of natural light, and it had an airy feel. The bed was a double one, and was almost a futon with how low it was. There were French windows that looked like they led to a balcony, there were a few pictures on the walls but no personal photos, just old fancy maps and shit. The walls were light, not white, but something close… Kinda pure looking.

I sat down on the bed, noticing the way I felt like I was almost crouching with how low it was. I could feel my phone in my back pocket. There would be some kind of signal here, and I wouldn't be able to even focus unless I spoke to Antonio.

Jesus, now all I could think of was all our moments together but with him and Feliciano. Those guys were in on it together anyway, they had probably done all those things with one another.

I expected to get angry… Wasn't this the shit that made a person's blood boil?

But all I wanted to do was cry my eyes out, I wanted to beat up a pillow, go out and just trash something but if anything it was because I hated myself more than him.

Why couldn't it have all have been real?

If that was even too much to ask, then at least make it so I didn't find out.

"I need to make a phone call quickly." I stood up, "I'll be down after that."

Grandpa who was taking a quick peek at the balcony looked over, "Don't be ridiculous! You'll miss lunch!"

I pulled out my phone and played with it in my hands, "I'm not hungry."

Grandpa tutted, he was kind but his word was always final, "You need it, besides we can't be rude to our hosts! They've offered hospitality."

"Which you never usually accept anyway!"

I was lucky my Grandpa was so thick skinned; he just chuckled like I was four year old having a tantrum and ruffled my hair. He was the only one who could do something like that without pissing me off,

"If today was like it usually was, I would probably be cleaning up some kids puke in a hall that smells like feet." He gave me a kind smile and I knew I was going to lunch whether I liked it or not, "Today is a different day! I feel like treating myself, you should too."

I sighed, sliding my phone back into my pocket. He was right, he would be doing something shitty, his hand half way down a toilet and all for me, if we weren't here. This trip wasn't about _me_, it was about him and if he wanted me to come to lunch with him I goddamn would.

Because I knew for a fact that Grandpa really did love me.


	39. Chapter 39

_A/N: Sorry there was no chapter last week! I was really ill for the the first half of the week and then my weekend was pretty hectic so I've had no time to do anything! But here it is... We'll be back to Lovi's P.O.V soon!_

**Chapter Thirty-Eight**

**So Long as He's Happy**

It was amazing how much Lovi had taken over my life. He had been gone a day and I felt hopelessly at ends without him. It realised pretty fast that when he was gone there was just nothing else for me, anything else I had going when I met him, I dropped.

Putting it like that made it seem dangerous.

Once I ran out of odd jobs, weeding, doing laundry, buying groceries, and of course working at the cafe I had come up with an idea.

I should have done this way earlier; I didn't know why I didn't. I couldn't even use my dedication to Lovi as an excuse! I should have done this even before I met him months before, that's how long I had been putting it off.

I boarded an early train the morning after Lovi went, now my car was gone I really had no other option but to take the train... I didn't miss having a car, all the walking I had to do was really a blessing in disguise! The town really did look prettier when you weren't concentrating so hard on the road.

But I did kinda miss the car itself... Lovi was right to call it a hunk of junk, that's pretty much what it was. It was bound to have broken down sooner or later. Still, it was kinda sentimental... I even liked how worn down it was- it told a story! Not like all the other cars around, they were so cold and impersonal but not mine.

Anyway, taking the train was more relaxing, I didn't have to think about that right now. It was also quiet. I guessed any train when it wasn't rush hour was bound to be quiet. I stretched as I found and seat on its own. The train terminated at my stop... I could probably sleep and not have to worry about missing it.

But before I could get to sleep, or even try, my phone started to buzz. I felt around before pulling it out. Who could possibly want to call me?

I was actually a little surprised to see the caller I.D. Lovino? If he needed something he would always text me! Unless it was something important...

I put my hand to my mouth, unable to stop my smile. Maybe he missed me too! Just as much as I missed him!

I answered, hoping that my voice didn't sound too dopey. Lovi didn't call me much, but when he did, I loved it. The idea that he was thinking about us when we were apart and wanted to talk to me more than anything made me feel on top of the world!

"Hey Lovi!" I smiled down the line, "How are you liking the hot springs?"

"Why didn't you tell me, you fucking bastard?"

I froze for a second. I was like I had been punched, I had had no idea what was coming. What was he talking about? He sounded so angry!

"Lovi..." I wasn't smiling anymore, "What are you talking about?" Was there something wrong with the hotel? Had I messed up the trip somehow? But what could be so bad that it would make him that angry?

He gave a dry bitter laugh, he was furious, "As if you don't know, it's probably all you think about."

I shifted in my seat his tone made me feel crushed, "Is it the hot springs? Lovi please, tell me what's wrong!"

"I can't believe I thought you actually loved me dammit!"

"Lovino!" I snapped. It wasn't until there was silence on the other end that I realised how loudly I yelled. There were five seconds of nothing... Had I ever raised my voice with guy before?

"Lovi..." I tried to sound softer now, but my harsh tone still ran in my ears, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

I heard a sniff on the other end of the line before Lovi said something that made my blood freeze over in my veins and my face burn up,

"I know about you about Feliciano. I know that you kissed him."

My voice came out in a whisper, "Oh God..."

How did Lovino know!? I had decided before Lovi and I had even become something romantic that he could never, ever know. In fact the two of us, before I even knew Lovi's name, had decided together not to speak of that night. It had been a mistake!

"Probably fucked him too."

"No, no!" I gripped my phone, I knew one wrong word here could mean Lovi was gone forever, "Lovi I don't know what you heard, but you don't understand. Feli and I were a long time ago, it didn't mean anything at the time, and it means even less now... I love you more than I ever liked him!"

But he wasn't having any of it. I recalled that night with Feliciano, his tender lips... Who could have know, that one harmless night could have caused all that damage even now?

"Ha! Didn't mean anything!" His voice was sharp, he had had this anger in him for a while now, I could tell, "Have you seen him?"

"He can't compare to you..."

"You didn't even tell me!"

I winced, that part was too true. Keeping it a secret had been too much of a risk, I should have know it was a mistake, "Because I knew it would hurt you!"

"Because you had something to hide!"

I took a deep breath running my hand through my hair, this was going to hard enough, over the phone it was just impossible, "Feli and I have put that all behind us, it was something we'd rather forget and it was so long ago..."

But no matter what I said, it didn't get through to him, in fact all I was doing now was making it even worse, "Shut the fuck up with all that shit!" He sounded like he was on the verge of throwing his phone, "'It's nothing! It's nothing!' You're such an asshole! Telling me you didn't want him, that you were finally, _finally_, someone who put me first and you don't even tell me you had a thing with him!?"

I had messed up.

I had really done it this time.

"Lovi..." I said quietly, "I love you, I never even liked him in that way. I hadn't even met you then."

There was a loud sniff, "Even Grandpa said it, Feli could get you back if he wanted. He wouldn't even have to try."

I tensed up. Imagine how that must feel... It was hard enough to think of Lovi leaving me for another man, but to think of his position, a guy who always felt inadequate... And then find out that the one person who made you feel different and special had been with the one who you always felt second best to.

What could I possibly say to that? "You're the one I love, not him, this happened before I even met you... Lovi if I had always known you existed then I would have never even looked at anyone else!

"Liar. I bet he told you to say that."

"What? Who?"

"Feliciano... He's the reason why you're with me, right? He'll have told you to make me think someone like you cared for me, do you get to fuck him when this is all over or something?"

"Lovi that's ridiculous!" What was saying before was bad enough, now he was saying stuff that was just crazy...

But he was too far gone to care, "Well you fucked up! Tell Feli he can quit that shit. Don't come near me again."

I was spluttering, I couldn't figure out how to speak, how could it all be slipping away so fast? What could stop him now? Could anything stop him now?

I felt sick, I was tense but I knew if I wasn't I'd be shaking. This was one of those things that didn't seem real. How could this be reality? It was one of the things that was too nightmarish to accept, something that made me absolutely certain that there would be a way to fix it but everything I tried led to another dead end.

"You need to let me explain what happened... It really wasn't like that! Feli will agree it was something that only seemed like a good idea for two seconds!"

There was a thumping sound, like he had punched a wall, "You've had all this time to tell me! Why now!? Why only once I found out!?"

I didn't know what to say. I wanted to reverse time; it seemed like the only way to make this better. I should have told him... I should have told him.

Should have.

I was quiet for two long, Lovi lost his patience and in that moment I couldn't have blamed him, "Next time someone tells you to lie like this for the sake of the poor sucker who thinks you love them- don't."

"I never lied! I love you!"

"Don't call me again."

Then he hung up.

**.oO0Oo.**

I spent the rest of the journey in a daze. It had all fallen apart; I couldn't even get my head around it.

I tried to call him back three times but never got an answer. I had a feeling I could call was much as I wanted and I would get nothing.

I called Feli once the echo of Lovi's last words finally became too much to bear. Luckily this Vargas brother picked up immediately.

"Hi 'Toni!" He sounded so happy, Feli always did. I felt terrible knowing that I was about to bring his mood down.

I tried to sound upbeat, "How's it going, Feli?"

"Hmm?" Uh oh, he knew something was up... I guess I had never been great at hiding that stuff, "Toni' what's the matter?"

I swallowed hard and looked around the train carriage, it would be embarrassing if I cried here, "It's... It's Lovino." Just the name gave me a lump in my throat.

Feli went quiet. He wasn't a serious guy but when it came to Lovi... Lovi was the exception for everyone, "Oh... Is there a problem? He's okay, right? He's safe?"

I sighed, "He's safe." At least there was that. So long as Lovi was safe and with someone who loved him then everything had to be alright.

I heard Feli make a relieved noise, "Then what's the matter? Is he mad again?"

I gave a dry laugh, he wasn't just mad this time, "Yeah." My voice sounded hoarse I wonder if Feli could hear that, "But he's really angry at me this time... I think I messed up."

"Tell me how."

I sighed again, I was about to betray Lovi again. He told me that I couldn't tell his family about us and I had promised not to. But Lovi needed to know the truth, and Feli was the only one who knew what happened that night we were together, "First there's something you should know."

Feli was hesitant. I felt terrible, he didn't deserve me throwing all this stress on him all of a sudden, "Yes?"

I paused as I suddenly realised I had no idea what to say. How did I just tell someone that I was in a romantic relationship with their terminally ill, insecure, and very angry brother?

"Toni'?" Feli sounded a little panicked, "Are you still there?"

"I'm here!" I exclaimed and in a rush to think of something I blurted out, "I'm in love with Lovino!"

"With Lovino!?" Feli sounded astounded, "Does he know?"

I smiled, despite it all thinking of Lovi was all it needed for me to smile, "He does now... We've actually been together for a while now."

"Huh!?" Feli sounded like any more surprises would have him passed out, "He never said anything!"

"I know..." I kept my voice softer now, "I'm sorry he made me keep it a secret from you."

Feli gave a whimper, "That's no fair..."

I felt bad, but in that moment, making Feli feel better wasn't really a priority and if I started going into that then I'd just get more stressed about what was really on my mind, "Well you don't have to worry about it now, he doesn't want to see me again. Ever."

I heard scepticism in Feli's voice, "Are you sure? You know he always says things like that, exaggerating is his thing!" I guess I couldn't blame Feli, if this were reversed I would be doubting Feli as much as he doubted me right then. But I knew this wasn't exaggeration.

"No, really..." I took a second, biting hard on my lip before carrying on, "I really messed it up."

"Toni'... Did you hurt Lovi?" Feli spoke slowly, like he was scared of the answer, "You have to take care of him! He loves you I know it!" I blinked a few times, but why was I surprised at this notion of Feli jumping to side with his brother? "I'd never, ever forgive you!"

But I knew I couldn't stop explaining just because Feli might agree that I should keep away from Lovi. What mattered above all was that Lovi would have someone taking care of him if I had to stay away. It broke my heart but I knew that if I knew that someone understood what had happened Lovi would have someone.

It would be torture for me too if I knew I had hurt him and he was alone.

So I just came out with it, "He knows what happened between us... Do you remember that night? I know we decided it never happened..."

Feli answered immediately and I knew without being able to see him that he had gone red, "I remember." He said quickly, "But that's not so bad! That was so long ago and we both know it shouldn't have happened! And it was my fault mostly..."

"It wasn't anyone's fault." Before I went on, I wanted to clear that up, "We both thought it was right at the time... It wasn't right, but we can't blame ourselves." I hesitated, after saying that what was coming next just made me feel like an awful person, "But I didn't tell him. He found out from your Grandpa."

"Oh no..."

I pressed my lips together, wishing that Feli had chosen to say something that made me feel even a little encouraged, but still, if he had I guess he would have been lying, "I know. I was an idiot." My throat tightened, "I had told him over and over and over that to me he could never ever be second best to you. That he came first above anyone else... Then he's told that you _'got me'_ first and I..." I didn't know how to go on so I let the sentence hang.

"Why didn't you tell him!?" I had never heard Feliciano angry before.

"I...I..." There was a moment as I gathered my thoughts, "I don't know. I guess I didn't get that it was so important."

"'Toni..." Feli moaned.

"I know... I know I hurt him and it's all on me." I closed my eyes, how did I manage to let things go so badly wrong?

I had never hated my carelessness. It had led me to a lot of good things, interesting things, that made up for the mistakes and accidents and all that bad things that normal people could avoid. It was just who I was and I thought it would simple enough to just accept that.

But I hated it now.

I hated it because I knew that if I lost Lovi I would have to live with not ever forgiving myself. I thought of life without him and I felt sick. I thought of this being the last I saw of him and it made me hot and dizzy, my whole body just desperate to change things right there and then but it just _couldn't_.

"What ideas did he get?"

"That I never really loved him. That you seduced me and made me pretend to love him so he would have someone in his last months."

Feli made an incredulous noise, "It's crazy!" He hummed, "Most people would be mad but now I get why he wants you gone. If I thought that about Ludwig..."

He trailed off then but maybe that was for the better.

I gave a wry smile to myself, sometimes I just couldn't fix stuff like this no matter how much I felt like I would bleed out through the hole in my chest, "If it would make him feel better, I'll leave him alone." I swallowed hard, "Just make sure he knows what really happened that night... and how he meant more than anything to me."

"Antonio!" Feliciano suddenly snapped, "Don't be dumb!"

I blinked a few times, I had been certain Feli was going to tell me I was right, I had ruined it all, "But he says he never wants me near him again!"

"And you're going to let him be alone again?" Feli sniffed, was he about to cry? "I thought you were better than that..."

I didn't respond, I didn't know how,

"You make him happier than anyone else ever could! No matter how hard we tried! You do something really special to him... You _have_ to prove yourself to him again but don't you dare just leave!"

I took a shaky breath, scared to hope, "You think this could work? I don't want to make it all worse for him."

"Nu-uh! Don't talk like that, I know you can..." Feli paused before being serious again, "I'll talk to him about that night, I don't know if he's believe the truth coming from you if he thinks what you say he does... But after that it's on you... Please try for him!"

I nodded slowly as I spoke, "I don't want to give him up. You'll really talk to him?"

"Mm-m! I don't like thinking about that time, just like you but I'll do it for the two of you."

We ended our call soon after that. I didn't want to get too excited, Feli's input might not do anything, it might even make it worse but I didn't feel like I was at such a dead end anymore.

The train also stopped just as I hung up. It was a relief to be up and walking again, the buildings around me were a good way to distract me enough so that things weren't so painful.

I arrived at my destination a few minutes late but the person I was there to meet hadn't shown either. I plucked up to lunch menu of the restaurant I was sitting in and scanned over the items without really taking them in. I had been so busy on the train I hadn't even noticed how nervous I was.

"Hey, Antonio?"

A voice made me look up and I smiled, putting down the menu and standing up quickly, "You're Matthew?" I stuck out my hand before he answered.

Matthew shook it lightly and nodded, "That's me."


	40. Chapter 40

_A/N: Valentines day this week so... Reviews if you love me? ;)_

_Thanks for reading! Enjoy!_

**Chapter Thirty-Nine**

**Mad About The Boy**

Matthew took his place opposite me, I spoke quickly to make sure things couldn't even start to get awkward- luckily I had planned what I was going to say before Lovi's phone call,

"It's so great to finally meet you!" I said enthusiastically as I settled back in my seat, "Gilbert says so much it's amazing to meet the famous Matthew." I gave a laugh. Okay so it was maybe a little corny but it seemed like the best way to get the chat going.

Besides it got Matthew to smile, which was a relief, "Yeah it's weird that it's been so long, Gilbert has told me about you too."

I put my hands on my lap and squeezed them into fists, what now?

Maybe I should have come up with conversation starters too... I guess I would have done that on the way there if it weren't for other things.

It was a relief, but also embarrassing when Matthew spoke first. I had invited him after all, I couldn't have him carrying the conversation, "He should have introduced us to each other... He introduced me to Francis, you three used to be really close, right?"

'Used to be' ouch. That stung a little, but I didn't show it on my face. I guess 'used to be' was right anyway, and if that was something Matthew had gotten from Gil' then it really was true.

I nodded, "They're my best friends, I was actually kinda surprised when Gil' told me he had someone as serious as you!"

Matthew narrowed his eyes, "You were surprised?"

Uh-oh. Had I offended him? But it was true Gilbert was totally different from to quiet innocent looking kid who was sitting opposite me! Gil' was bold and brash, you didn't even have to know him to see that! If you asked me, Matthew seemed a little touchy.

"Well yeah..." I shrugged, "It takes a lot for a guy like him to settle down and be serious, he loves the idea of being free do what he wants... Francis and I both thought he'd never be with someone like he is with you. Now that he is, I'm happy for him! I'm happy for the both of you!"

Matthew pressed his lips together and looked down suddenly... Was he blushing? "Sorry!" He said suddenly, "I didn't mean to sound oversensitive." He looked up again and gave a light laugh, "I really freaking love Gilbert! When we first met I was in awe of him... You must have seen that before. I sure have, all the girls doing a double take when we're jut out on the street together. It's not just because he's handsome either, it's his whole aura." Matthew had taken on a gentle expression, "When we met I was an insecure, looked over kid and here comes this unstoppable force of a guy... When we started to go out I couldn't believe it at first, it was like a coma dream and I kept expecting to wake up in the hospital. I was so sure everyone was judging me... saying I didn't deserve him... There's still a bit of that I guess. If anyone questions us or anything like that... It just puts me on edge! Gosh, I'm sorry, I've rambled!"

As Matthew spoke I had started to grin, I gripped the sides of my seat. I couldn't wish any better than this guy here for Gil', "He really cares for you, you know." I said as reassurance, "You'd love what he says about you to other people."

Matthew pushed his glasses up over his forehead as he looked into the distance thoughtfully, "He's done a lot for me. He's helped me in ways I don't think I could ever repay..." He looked at me again, "He was first one to ever call me Mattie. With Alfred it was Matt and my parents always said Matthew, but with him it's Mattie, or Birdie when he's trying to be cute."

I thought of Gil' trying to be cute and laughed, "The two of you are a good fit. I'm glad it was you."

He nodded, "Me too. After a breakup around a year and half before Gilbert a friend of mine said that one day I'd find someone who would make up for all the jerks and make it all seem worth it. I'd find someone really, really amazing who I would never ever want to let go."

I put my hand to my lips, "You think he's the one?"

"I really, really hope so!" He laughed, "I've rambled even more, tell me about you and him now. Any embarrassing stories I can tease him with tonight?"

I grinned and held up my hands, "If I tell you any he'll just give you worse on me. You're right about people being in awe of him- even I was at first."

"You liked him?"

"No!" I shook my head quickly, I didn't want Matthew to think _anything_ along the lines of hat Lovi thought about me right now, "No, just in awe of him as a person. I was in a dark spot when he and I became friends and look at me now!"

Matthew crossed his arms leaning back, "With the way he is I would have thought he'd have done the opposite to you."

I frowned, "Make me a bad person?"

"Make you whatever he calls himself! A punk or whatever. It's kinda weird, Francis and him are nothing alike, I thought you would be like at least one of them, I mean, how likely is it that three people so different could get so close? But you're nothing like them, you're not even a weird mix of the two!"

I nodded, I had actually thought of this too, "I think each of us has something the other two need."

But I left so I must have gotten what I was missing and that those two gave me for myself.

Or so I liked to think.

"I'm glad you never liked him..." Matthew suddenly looked up, "Sorry! That sounded so mean! But he told me all about the stuff you guys used to do together... And what you might have done but never quite figured out..."

His voice got quieter and I tensed up. I knew exactly what Matthew was talking about, when we were still stupid experimenting teenagers. We woke up early one morning in early winter, all in the same bed, shirts off and no memory of what actually happened... We had been drinking then, and we were still at the age when drunk was fun.

We still had our pants on though; all of us did, so nothing could have happened, right?

Still, we were all never quite sure. It was another mistake in my past.

"He told you about that time?"

"He told me early on... Before he introduced me to Francis. If I had found out later I would have been upset. Maybe I would have been suspicious and got all anxious when they hung out alone." He exhaled, "Yeah, I'm glad he said something."

I pressed my lips together. Why couldn't I have said something?

Actually this encounter was something I had told Lovi about. He didn't have much of a reaction. He just rolled his eyes and told me to 'learn to be responsible'... And I knew that if I had told him about Feli it would have been different but at least he would try to understand and he wouldn't think all these crazy things...

Why did I let him find out that way? How did I let myself keep that kind of thing secret at all? I felt sick, I loathed myself and I knew I always would because I had let it go that way. So long as he was hurt I wouldn't forgive myself.

"I... Just need to go to the bathroom." I stood up abruptly, "Just order me that if the waiter comes." I jabbed my finger at what I wanted on the menu before leaving for the bathroom before Matthew could say another word.

**.oO0Oo.**

I took five minutes to pull myself together, by the time I sat down again we had glasses of water and our orders had been taken. Compared to things we had just been talking about, what followed for the next little while was just small talk. It wasn't so much awkward, but it felt wrong. We were getting along so well before then.

I really wanted to get along with Matthew. Not just for Gilbert, he didn't even know I was there, but so I could feel part of the life here again.

I wondered in a brief pause if I would move back here after Lovi left me. It made sense; I could move the cafe and be with people who would support me.

But I quickly realised that I never would. I had left this place for good; it had changed and moved on without me and in ways that would hurt me. I had only just learned to stop living in the past, I had to keep it up.

I'd just find more things to keep me where I was! I'd make more friends; maybe I'd join a club... There had to be something that I could find that made being there worth it. To make life worth it!

Right?

I finished eating and sat back. Truthfully, there was another reason why I had come to meet Matthew, and this reason was very selfish.

I rubbed my hands together under the table, it was time, and I had to ask Matthew this before the moment passed... This had seemed easier back when I was practising this conversation with myself... It just didn't seem right now. Before Matthew was barely a person, all I had to put a face to a name was the one glimpse of him that Lovi and I got a few weeks before, other than that he was no more real than a character in a story.

But here was a person who was living and breathing and proving that he was real... It felt wrong now.

"I actually have something else I wanted to talk about."

Matthew looked up at me, we hadn't spoken for a few minutes now, the silence was comfortable enough but I must have looked tense, "Sure, are you okay?"

I only tried a smile to answer his question, "I wanted to talk about Alfred, your brother."

Matthew stopped eating and I winced knowing I had twisted a nerve. He put his fork down and didn't meet my eye, "He's dead."

"I know, and I'm so sorry."

"He killed himself."

I hesitated out of respect before carrying on, "I know that too... Gilbert told me."

Matthew furrowed his brow then, "He did? Why did he do that? Before even introducing us both?" He sounded hurt and I knew I owed a pretty big explanation.

"Don't be angry at him!" I jumped in with that quickly, "It was for a good reason... Can I tell you about it? It's why I'm asking about Alfred."

Matthew nodded, "Yeah. It's fine by the way, Alfred still hurts but I can talk about it...I've done it enough to be used to it by now."

This gave me a little relief as I started to explain, "He was explaining how devastating grief could be... A few months ago I met someone special to me, but he's sick... Actually he's terminally ill, but I was still drawn to him. I planned and still do plan to stay with him to the very end and Gil' was worried, he thinks that if I get to close to Lovino then when he's gone I'll have nothing and the pain will be like nothing before. He told me about you after Alfred... He said he wouldn't wish what you went through on anyone."

Matthew laughed as he waved his hand in front of his face, obviously trying to fan away tears, "Neither would I but I bet you got close to him anyway... I don't blame you Gilbert's an idiot if he thinks people can help things like that!" He sniffed and rubbed away a rouge tear, "Sorry, these have been coming ever since you mentioned his name."

"It's okay." I gave him a warm smile, "But you're right I'm close to him. I'm in love with him!"

Matthew took a deep breath, something that seemed to stop his tears getting the better of him, "Does he know?"

I opened my mouth to say yes but suddenly thought of the past few hours and stopped, "It's complicated right now."

Matthew nodded but didn't hold back, "He needs to know. Write it in the sky if you have to, just get the message through. If there's any doubt it'll haunt you, you need every loose end tied up."

"Got it." I knew then that I was stupid to think I should leave Lovi alone. Both Feli and Matthew had told me to do otherwise and it was becoming clear that if I let him go without being sure that he knew how absolutely and fully loved he was that I would die with him, "Thank you... I'm sorry for brining this up, you weren't expecting it but I'm so scared of him leaving me." I swallowed hard, "I don't know what'll hold me up when he's not with anymore."

Matthew put his hand on mine to comfort me, "Alfred meant a lot to me, I guess if you wanted to talk about surviving grief then I'm the right guy." He sighed, "Do you remember life without him?"

I shook my head, "I don't know how I filled my time."

Matthew patted my hand, "It'll come back to you."

"But I don't want it to! I don't want to gone back to life without him!"

Matthew held up his hands to stop me there, looking at me sternly, "Let's not speak about that. The most important thing is you keep people who you love close to you. Make Gilbert and Francis take a week to be with you at your place you'll need them. It'll be even better if they have a level head."

I nodded, no matter what Matthew said with whatever he had been through, going back to life without the one who brought light to everything would have been torture. It would be so dull, empty, and just so wrong knowing how amazing just living day to day could be when I had him with me.

But he was right, I would need my friends close to me, "I won't be alone."

Matthew shrugged, "It's easier said than done I'm afraid, some days you'll just want to curl up and sleep forever. That's fine at first but after a few days you need people, you need them close."

"So I can carry on without him..." I murmured, mostly to myself, but this still caught Matthew's attention.

"Don't you think that's what he'd want?" Matthew gave me light kick under the table, "If you don't want to try and move on for yourself then do it for him! And do it for your friends!"

I closed my eyes, it was all true. It was silly of me to come here asking these questions if I was just gonna refuse to accept the answers, "You're right." I said finally, "I'm sorry, he just changed my life and being without him seems so... Y'know."

Matthew softened at that, "Yeah, love tends to do that... But you came to me, right? It shows you accept that there will be an end."

"It was insensitive about me to just suddenly bring up Alfred like that."

He laughed, "True, but it's okay. That was years ago, I can handle it. At least you know what's coming, I fell asleep one night thinking I'd have him there forever and woke up to find he had swallowed a bottle of pills. He was a crazy one, a lot of fun, but reckless... I admired that but I really wish he thought things through. He never did, it didn't matter most of the time but when it did matter... Boy did it matter."

I shifted in my seat, I had to be careful, I didn't want to accidentally cross a line, "You think he hadn't thought it through?"

"He definitely didn't have to die. He could have survived it all. Could have, should have. He was surrounded by people who loved him. A few abandoned him but there were people there would have never left him alone. One night it all just got the better of him I guess."

I hardly knew how to respond, "I'm sorry." Was all I produced.

But Matthew wasn't finished, "Even more than knowing that he was gone what troubled me the most was not knowing how he felt as he passed away. Those pills... Even with the beer he took with them would have taken up to an hour. Imagine that, an hour of knowing you were about to die, it was too late and you had done it all to yourself."

"He could have dialled himself an ambulance."

Matthew nodded, "I guess you're right. The doctors said even if we had found him alive there was a high chance that he wouldn't have made it anyway. The pills made you feel drowsy; I had something pretty similar after he died to help me sleep at night so I know. You take them and suddenly everything feels so heavy and strange. All I could think about was closing my eyes... The first time I took them was with Gilbert, he liked to stay with me during the nights after my toughest days. I passed out so quick it scared him, he even tried to shake me awake to see if I was okay but I wouldn't stir. He said he checked my pulse like a hundred times, he was terrified that something had gone wrong. Anyway, they work fast. Alfred... If he changed his mind, his whole body would want to shut down and sometimes I can't stop thinking about him desperately trying to keep his eyes open, knowing if he closed them he would die."

I leaned forward, "Does Gil' know you still have these thoughts?"

Matthew nodded, flicking away a tear, "Yeah, he's good with me. Don't worry, we do other stuff, we don't just mope around, I'm more fun than that, I promise!"

I gave him a soft smile, "You really love him."

Matthew looked at me with his big doe eyes like a rabbit in the headlights for a few seconds before collapsing into breathless laughter, "I do! I do! I absolutely adore him!"

It was funny, I always thought how I loved Lovi was an impossible amount, I had feelings that no other humans could even dream of but in that moment I knew Matthew was just like me.

He carried on, but this time he didn't speak of Alfred, "Don't ever think you were stupid for falling in love with this guy." He told me seriously, "Never think for one minute you shouldn't have got close to him."

I furrowed my brow, until now I had been told the opposite, "But Gilbert said-"

"I think I know what Gilbert would say. Don't listen to him, he doesn't know what he's talking about. You need to need to love this person, love him until it physically hurts and you can't do it anymore. Don't you dare try to distance yourself thinking you'll save yourself from getting hurt as much. Because it will still hurt! And making the most of it while you can, well with that at least you know that you didn't let the time go to waste... Listen, even if it did make it hurt less, if I could choose to distance myself from Alfred, if I could go back in time and push him away so that by now he wouldn't still cause me pain, I wouldn't do it. Just enjoy every moment, make them so they're never worth giving up."

I gave a light chuckle, "I don't know if he wants me to do that right now... Or have anything at all to do with him."

Matthew looked at me in surprise, "What?... What did you do?" He sighed, "Please don't tell me you already pushed him away."

I looked around uneasily, "I didn't mean too..." I held up my hands, "Don't worry about it! Forget I said something!" I didn't think I was able to go over it again, every time I did it made the dread more intense.

Luckily I didn't need to, if I picked anything up from this meeting it was that Matthew was resilient, bright, and extremely perceptive, "You hurt him." He stated, knowing he was right, "Did you betray him?"

"Not exactly. I kept things from him that I should never had. Things that hurt him and made him think..."

"That you don't love him." He finished, "He found out, and not from you."

I nodded.

There was a long pause before Matthew finally spoke, "You have to make sure he knows you love him if you truly do." He cleared he throat, "But I hope you don't think he has to return your feelings if you hurt him."

I nodded again, "Yeah... I know."

We talked on, moving to lighter subjects. An hour passed quickly before Matthew announced he had to leave to get to work. I thanked him and we parted ways.

I wasn't sure if the two of us would meet again, I was glad we did that time, I was desperate to meet Matthew. Now I felt a little more as if I was part of the group again. Matthew would be a person rather than a name now and I felt like I had the right to laugh and react when Gilbert told us all stories.

I liked to think we would all become friends, the four of us all hanging out together but in my mind I couldn't find a place for me, in the mental picture of Francis, Gilbert, and Matthew slotting me in just threw off the balance, I looked like I was there by mistake.

Hopefully I was only paranoid, scared that they had done too long without me. The hole I left had been filled and the place where I would settle in had been reshaped over time into something that I just didn't fit.

I considered calling Lovi again but decided not to. Anything I said now would be taken as me trying to cover it all up, Feli had to explain what happened and if Lovi was willing to talk to me I would tell him over and over that he was more important to me than anyone else until he was absolutely forced to believe it.

I would have to wait, for two more torturous days... Or however many it took.


	41. Chapter 41

_A/N: YOOOOOOO thanks for reading plz review_

**Chapter Forty**

**Not Enough Time to Move On**

**LOVINO'S P.O.V**

It was all around shitty, but to be honest, being at a hot spring while all this crap was going down was good for me. It was better than being in a hospital bed anyway, curled up in that horrible room with all those people...

The springs were therapeutic, the whole secluded, away from the town, away from him helped. I didn't have to think about what happened and I could focus on making sure Grandpa was having a good time.

I mean, I couldn't put it out my mind completely. Night times were a workout because I had to tense up otherwise Grandpa would feel me shaking next to him. I ran out things to think about a lot.

One minute I felt like I never ever wanted to see him again and then the next all I would want for him to come and hold me forever. I hated this damn turbulence, it made me dizzy.

But I knew if I was in the hospital, with his house only a ten minute walk away it would be a million times worse. It was safer here; a place where I didn't wonder as much what he was doing that very second and whether or not he wanted me as much as I wanted him.

It was a fucked up. Sometimes I'd remember what he did and suddenly the images of him and Feli would jump out at me all at once... I was pissed at him too, I felt like Feli had stolen something of mine even if all he really did was get there first.

Whatever. Antonio was a hunk and Feli was beautiful. Pretty people liked other pretty people and they didn't look at people like me. I wasn't even a good person to make up for my pathetic looks, why the hell did I think I even deserved Antonio?

I just really wished that he actually loved me. He hadn't called or even texted me since I told him to stay away... I knew that he was pretty much doing what I asked but I was still hurt, fuck, I thought he maybe try to fight for me at least a little.

I sat up quickly from my position, lying back on the bed when the door opened. It was Agatha bustling through the door with fresh towels and other cleaning stuff.

She put a hand to her mouth when she saw me sitting there, "You're still here?" She looked over her shoulder, "But I saw Rome leave an hour ago!"

My Grandpa loved this place, I thought of this as the last thing Antonio did for me but he got it spot on. He and the owners got on like a house on fire, they were calling him by his nickname and he and them spent hours at night just talking and getting to know one another. He'd be back with Feli the moment he could, I knew it.

"He's gone walking again." I crossed my legs and watched her. Agatha was pretty sweet, I thought most people over the age of sixty were old farts, but she was okay. Besides, she was a woman and Grandpa would smack me around the fucking ears if he found out I was mean to a girl.

"Again? You didn't want to go? Did you see the waterfall this morning? Pretty, isn't it?" She came to the bed and sat next to me. Grandpa and even Agatha's husband Giles had been pretty oblivious, but I had a feeling Agatha could see something was up with me. I mean, she didn't exactly have anything to compare it to, but she knew no one, not even suckers like me, acted like this normally.

I shook my head, "I figured I would hang back on this one." Grandpa did this the day before as well, he'd take me out on something easy in the morning, we'd find somewhere for lunch, then he'd take me back for an hour and go on another walk on his own. I was fine with that, I didn't want him to crap himself every time I stopped to catch my breath and he didn't want to put too much on me, "The water fall was pretty though, I liked it." The waterfall was a twenty minute walk away but it took the two of us an hour. If Grandpa was on his own it would have taken ten minutes.

Neither of us had mentioned to the hosts about my illness, or why we had come... It just didn't seem necessary and we figured something like that might make Agatha and Giles try too hard to make sure we were having a good time. This was better, relaxed and them blissfully ignorant.

She put her arm around me to pat my back, "Come along now, what's the matter?" She tutted, "Girl trouble?"

I shrugged, she had pretty much hit the nail on the head, "Boy trouble." I corrected her.

There was a moment of silent acknowledgement before she carried on, "And you're going to let a silly boy get you down?"

I suppressed a smile, fuck, 'silly' was the perfect word to describe the big kid Antonio was. Agatha meant it to make me feel better but hearing a word that made his image come into my mind so intensely twisted something inside me.

"He's not..." I gripped the bed sheets either side of me tightly, "He means everything to me... And I thought I had him all figured out and I thought I had _it_ all figured out but I don't!" I shrugged again, worried that it I carried on like that I'd scare her away, "I just really wish I was right the first time, and what I thought was there, really was."

"Oh sweetie..." She sounded genuinely pained by my misery, "Did he do something awful?"

I knew she thought Antonio cheated, it was the way I phrased it all. That was because in a way I felt like he had... But it wouldn't be fair to Antonio if she thought that. Besides, she probably fucking knew the guy! He'd been here before, he and Agatha would have maybe even sat right here and she would have thought he was the sweetest thing on God's green earth. She would have been right, but she didn't have to know names now. I didn't want the wonderful memories of him to be tainted like mine had.

"He didn't cheat." I told her that that straight away. I could be a self righteous piece of shit sometimes, but saying he cheated would be a downright lie, "I found things out."

She nodded slowly, "Things he never wanted you to know?"

"Yeah." My voice sounded so fucking glum, "But stuff he was an idiot for not telling me..." I put my hands on my lap and stared at them, "Because how the hell do I trust him now?"

There was silence, poor Agatha had no freaking clue what to tell me now. She was a nice person but not my fucking therapist. I was an idiot for making it awkward.

She patted my hand before standing again, "Well I wouldn't lose my head, it's not the end of the world."

I put my face in my hands suddenly losing composure and over-sharing before I could help it, "But he's everything! He's become everything but I hate what he's done! He... Him lying to me is the only explanation I have, lying and never really caring about me at all."

She sighed and busied herself with the fresh towels, "You'll be happy again someday I promise you. I lost my first husband and here I am with Giles feeling more alive than ever!" She smiled sympathetically at me, "Things all come together in the end."

I looked back at her before asking nervously, "What if there's not enough time?"

She shook her head, "Don't be ridiculous there's always enough time. Love doesn't know time, be it love coming into your life or leaving it so you don't die wishing for someone... Besides, look at you, you're a young man with so much ahead! I'm an old woman and I can believe it will all come together in time so you can too. Now, shall I clean in here or are you happy as it is?"

"It's fine, we'll only be here another night, you can leave it like this."

I knew Agatha was wrong, people died with loose ends and unhappy all the time. Love didn't know time but death obviously did. Fuck, if what she was spouting was true no one would jump off buildings or in front of trains.

I lay back on the bed and closed my eyes. There was no guarantee that I would die fully understanding how 'Tonio really felt about me. I could have died that very night still aching with how much I wished we could just be together without this goddamn Feli thing jumping up.

I was so scared I actually thought I would puke for a few seconds.

I didn't have enough time to move on.

I sat up again. Suddenly I was angry... That fucking bastard, he did this to me. Keeping secrets knowing they would hurt me if I found out.

I was meant to be enjoying the best final fucking weeks of my life and he had screwed it all up for me. He and Feli plotted this together, that had to be it, because what kind of person who really loved someone would do this shit!?

By the Grandpa was back I was seething. Luckily since I was angry around 87% of the time normally I could hide it better than I could hide being upset or heartbroken. The feeling that I was right and that he was the bad guy was so damn liberating, lying around blaming myself for falling for something that wasn't real was just pulling me down to something beyond misery.

This way I was _just_ miserable.

And, fuck, I missed him...

We took dinner before leaving for our room to change. The spring at night was beautiful, the landscaping was perfect in a way that reminded me all too much of a certain somebody but I wanted to put that out my mind, it was nicer to just appreciate it.

They were perfect to relax me. The cool evening and then the heat of the water worked to make it all feel just right. The flowers and plants around the pool were just watered so the smell of earth just after light rain was everywhere as well as the warm musky smell that you just got in summer evenings.

For about twenty minutes Grandpa and I sat in comfortable silence, I was just trying to draw out every moment and let my time there last but he eventually spoke,

"I know why you're doing this, Lovi."

"Doing what?" I wasn't playing dumb, I was too relaxed and far away from reality that I really didn't know.

He chuckled none the less, probably thinking I was just pretending not to know, I did that sometimes when I wanted out of some shit so I couldn't blame him.

"You know." He stretched, "You took me here because you think I'm owed repayment."

That got my attention, I sat forward so fast the water sloshed around me and disturbed the peace. He wasn't meant to know! I would thank him at the end of the trip and he'd come out having had an amazing break from his life and finally hearing me say how much I appreciated him.

"It's not...!" Shit, I couldn't exactly deny it... Otherwise he would think this was all for me rather than him!

Luckily he interrupted me, "Lovi, Lovi, you didn't need to do all this for an old man."

I sighed, "But you're not some old man! Besides you wouldn't take money so I figured this was the next best thing."

"But you don't need to thank me!" He cried out, "All I'm doing is what I want to do for my Grandson. I couldn't not support you, that would kill me, it's my duty."

"Yeah but not everyone does their goddamn 'duty', do they? Dad sure as hell didn't. Wasn't his job to look after Feli and me?" I paused, I had to be careful not to explode, but Grandpa not seeing how much of just a great guy he was frustrated me like nothing else, "Yeah it was expected that you took care of me but you can't expect me to sit there watching you work your ass off after already raising one generation of kids..." I looked into his eyes, lots of people thought Grandpa's modesty with how hard he worked was something good but he made things like this so damn difficult, he was proud in everything else he did, why not this too, "I refuse to do nothing after all that, it would cause me physical pain."

Grandpa patted my back with those huge hands, "I don't feel like I've done anything special at all."

"Only because it's all you know! Ask any normal guy and they'll tell you that you deserve a damn award."

He laughed, "An award? Lovi you'll make my head so big it explodes!"

"Be big headed." I gave a blunt reply, "You deserve it."

Grandpa smiled and I shifted awkwardly, knowing he was about to say something serious, "Bringing up you and Feliciano... Has been an absolute pleasure."

I looked at the water, hoping he wasn't noticing me blushing like an idiot, "We had a great guy raising us, obviously we were gonna be grateful."

"I always wanted to try raising boys." He carried on, "Your mother was the apple of my eye but when she had you two boys while I was still fit enough to watch you grow up I was inconsolably excited!" He laughed, "You were the rowdy one Lovi, you reminded me in that way, very headstrong. Feli has always been more like your mother."

I blinked, my ears catching something, "I reminded you of yourself?" No way could I be anything like Grandpa. He was confident, selfless, optimistic... He was the strongest guy I knew in every way- he was everything I wasn't.

He nudged me like I was playing dumb again, "Of course! You have the fighting spirit in you! Determined!"

Not even I could suppress a smile by now, "I thought I was like Dad."

He tutted, "May in looks but your father certainly wasn't an ugly man. He just had an ugly heart... No, no, I wouldn't allow you to be like him. You and I Lovino! Cut from the same cloth!"

I laughed then, I almost sobbed from how happy those words made me. All this time I thought I was just like the son of a bitch who abandoned us... Coward, self righteous, and just plain fucking rude.

Hell, I was still that shit but if Grandpa was proud to call me like him... Calling me determined instead of stubborn, passionate instead of just loud mouthed... Suddenly I felt like this whole trip wasn't enough, nothing would be enough to show this guy how glad I was to have him in my life.

That alone would get me through the next hours with Antonio constantly creeping onto my mind, and to be happy with my Grandfather for the next few hours was all I wanted.


	42. Chapter 42

_A/N: I have no idea how I managed to call the last chapter chapter 42 when it was actually forty... How the heck_

_But it's fixed now and here's 41! The real 42 will be here next week! Enjoy and plz review i neeeed itttt_

**Chapter Forty-One**

**What if He Threw it Away and I'm Not Strong  
Enough to go Get it?**

**LOVINO'S P.O.V**

Every mile closer to home made me more and more anxious.

I was not fucking ready for this, soon Grandpa would say goodbye and then I'd be all alone again, on a hard bed and no Antonio to call or take me to his place.

We drove up alongside that big, depressing building that looked about as inviting as rotten fruit and the car finally stopped. I looked over to Grandpa like I was expecting him to wave a wand and turn the clock back to when I didn't have to deal with this crap.

"I'll visit again soon." He told me and reached out to pat me on the back, "I've had a fantasic weekend with my fantastic Grandson. Thank you."

I mustered up a smile, trying to think of any and every goddamn way that I could keep sitting here. Going back in that hospital would be like stepping into Hell.

Wait, no, not hell. Hell was something different with flames and shit... Nah it would be more like limbo. I had felt it before, a funny feeling in the pit of me that made me feel so alone and like I wanted to cry but the energy for actually crying wouldn't come.

Hell was kinda exciting and made it feel like things could only get better, this weird limbo was worse because I'd look around and just see even more shit.

"Thanks for coming." I didn't make the effort to move.

But Grandpa didn't read the hints that I wanted him to turn around and drive away forever, "I'll walk you to the door." He undid his seatbelt and got out, the time it took him to come over and open my door was the only enough for me to give a long sigh.

I went with him in silence to the automatic doors and that's where we stopped walking and looked at each other.

Suddenly it felt like the ground had split and opened up under me, I wouldn't see Grandpa ever again. I don't know how I knew that shit but the feeling of doom was too real to doubt it.

He wouldn't visit again. He would plan to, mark it in the diary maybe but it wouldn't happen. He would get a phone call before then that wouldn't just alter that date in the diary but all of them for a long time.

My eyes darted all over him, trying to take it all in. Grandpa was the one guy I had always loved and now this was it. The last time.

And then I wouldn't hug him, talk shit at him for him to laugh back at me, even see his real live face ever again.

I hugged him suddenly and tightly, taking a deep breath. He smelled of home. This wasn't fair, it wasn't fucking fair on either of us. I hugged him as tight as my twiggy little arms would let me.

He laughed and ruffled my hair, "I'm glad we had time together, Lovino."

Yeah he was talking about the past weekend but when I nodded in agreement I meant my whole life, "Thanks for being there." I cleared my throat, trying to use it as an excuse for my hoarse voice, "You always have been."

He put his arms around me too and gave me a squeeze back, it was the best thing he could have given me then. No tearful goodbyes or any of that because aside from the latter making me burst into tears in a hospital parking lot, this one was just more him.

He kissed the top of my head and left after that. I just stood and watched his back, him getting into the car and driving around the corner out of sight forever.

Gone.

My Grandpa was gone.

My hand flew out and grabbed a bike rack gripping it tight so when my knees finally gave out I was still half standing. Jesus, I could barely even breathe.

I made it inside eventually; I was shaking like hell but got a few seconds alone in the elevator for a few deep breaths.

"Lovi!" I was half way to my room, looking at the ugly linoleum when I heard a voice call my name.

I spun around quickly and my eyes landed on Feliciano who had already started to walk over quickly,

"Feli?" I took a step back, "What are you doing here? Big guy break all the bones in his German body?"

He hugged me, knocking me back a few steps, "I was hoping to find you! I thought you and Grandpa would be back earlier..."

I shrugged, my arms hovering awkwardly, "Thought we might as well make the most of our last day."

He pulled back then, looking at me all anxious. Fuck, I had been back ten minutes and I was already dealing with this? "We need to talk."

"I don't want to." It was a fucking dumbass response but it was the first one that came out, "I can forgive you for the shit you and that sucker pulled but not him." Making me fall in love with him, saying he loved me too when it was all lies... How could anyone forgive that shit?

Feli looked visibly disheartened, "Lovino, please... You have it all wrong. I need to explain it all to you."

"Did he send you to do all the dirty work?"

"We both know if he showed up you'd have him escorted from the premises before he could even say a word, you can't blame him. He's staying away _for you_."

Feli was getting close to hugging me again, I lightly pushed him back, "Oh so he's the victim!?"

He sighed and I winced, for the first time in what must have been at least freaking years he was exasperated with me, "I know you're angry. If someone had done what you think Toni' did to me I would hate them too, but it's not like that. You think there's a big conspiracy but there isn't, that's why you need it all explained. Once we talk about it you can decide if you want to push him away but not until the truth get through to you!"

I hesitated but finally gave him a nod, "Then talk."

Feli shook his head and grabbed my wrist, starting to lead me away, "Not here. I have somewhere ready for us."

"Sounds like serious shit." Was he gonna lie me back on one of those dumb bed-chairs the have in psychiatrists offices and try to make it all better?

So before I could even lie down on that hard cheap mattress again I was on my way out again. I couldn't figure out if that was a blessing or not.

Of course the place we were going was his fucking cafe. Why the fuck not, right?

I stopped walking as soon as I realised that we were headed for the door, "Why the hell are we here?" I probably should have expected this shit but I still wasn't going without demanding answers.

Feli turned around to face me then, at least he had the good sense to look guilty about it, "Aha..." He tried to muster up a light laugh, "He's not in there, no one is..."

I stood my ground, "There are plenty places in town aside from here for us to sit and talk."

Feli went to the cafe door anyway and held it open. He knew I was coming in, "We can be alone properly in here! And there's free cake... He made sure to set aside some of the one he thought you'd like best from this morning's delivery."

I looked past the door and Feliciano, yeah, two plates were set out. I narrowed my eyes, interrogating Feli again, "What kind is it?"

"Carrot cake, he told me you thought most other stuff was too sweet."

I shoved past Feli and stepped into the cafe. At least he had been listening if nothing else. I stood there for a while in the entrance looking around. Everything reminded me of him. Every last goddamn thing.

It even smelled the same as him, it was just like being wrapped up in Antonio and it just made me come to a standstill.

It was so much easier to hate and be angry at him when he was so far away.

Feli tapped me on the shoulder after a few seconds, "Hey, if it really bothers you we'll go somewhere else. He'd prefer you to be comfortable, there's plenty cafes around here..."

"No." With no more explanation, mostly because I didn't have one for myself let alone him, I pulled out my chair and sat down heavily, crossing my arms and looking over to Feli.

He came over and sat opposite. Dammit, he was always so dainty and graceful. Why was I here for answers when the reason why Feli and Antonio did that shit together was obvious? He was too precious.

"What we did was a big mistake. A huge one." Feli looked at me, pulling his plate of cake towards him, "But he would have said that already, Toni was so panicked when he called me he would have said anything to stop you from doubting his feelings!"

"Yeah, would he lie?" I shifted so I could lean forward, "Because the deal was he made me feel special until I bit the dust and then he could have you."

Feli tilted his head as he looked at me. Shit, something about his eyes made me feel uncomfortable... This guy, my dopey little brother was feeling sorry for me!?

"Lovi this story you keep telling just doesn't work..." He smiled, "I'm with Ludwig now! I had feelings for 'Toni in the past, but it was just a little crush. It was nothing compared to how I feel about Ludwig now. No one could pull me away from Ludwig. Besides, my crush was really one sided..." Feli looked down and blushed and I felt a small rush.

I sat up a little, "One sided?" I shook my head, "No it couldn't have been or he wouldn't have fucked you!"

Feli blinked a few times, before looking at me with wide eyes, "Wouldn't have... Lovi, no!"

"What?"

"We kissed."Feli told me, "We kissed but that was it. Then he took me back to his and I don't know what happened! I had really liked him ever since I started work here but as soon as he took me inside it didn't feel right and I could see he felt the same... He said he didn't know what he was doing, he had just been so lonely and I just threw myself on him! We were alone in the cafe one night, he was cleaning a table and since all the rest were done I went to work on it with him..." Feli laughed lightly, "I had been flirting for weeks but he just didn't get it! So when we looked up at each other at the same time I just jumped in and kissed him."

"I don't need to hear the dirty details, Feli." I interrupted him pointedly.

"But it wasn't dirty!" He pouted, "He kissed me back but it was so forced... He must have been lonely... It's sad but the only bosses you get as nice as him are the ones without many other friends."

I let out a shaky breath, shit, his story made a lot more sense than mine. 'Tonio as some douchey asshole who had been deceiving me this whole time... That just wasn't him.

"And that's all that happened?"

Feli nodded, "I asked if he wanted to go to his and he agreed... I really was the one pushing it. He even looked relieved when I told him I couldn't sleep with him! I slept in his bed alone and he took his couch." He giggled, "He was such a nice guy, he made me breakfast in the morning and we agreed to forget all about it. After he drove me home we never spoke about it again until now."

I rolled my eyes, "You seriously expect me to believe that things weren't weird? That you just dropped it? Bullshit."

"But it's true!" He cried, "There was nothing in it, especially not on his side. He was a dummy not to tell you but in a way I can understand."

"What, you can understand him breaking me heart?" I fixed Feli with a cold look, he wasn't allowed to side with 'Tonio, not for this one, "Or was him keeping a secret okay because I was about to die anyway?"

"Well he didn't see it as a secret! He just..." Feli looked down sadly, "No you're right, he did a bad thing."

I clicked my tongue, damn one minute I hated Feli for trying to defend Antonio and next minute I couldn't stand to hear him blame him.

I stood up suddenly again, "Are we done here? You've said everything you need to, right?"

Feli looked up at me; he was obviously trying to come up with something and failing.

"You never ate your cake, Lovi!"

I shrugged, "You have it, I'm not hungry."

Feli looked at the solemn piece of cake before me again, "You never are..."

"Yup." I held my hands out playing innocent, "That's cancer I guess."

Oh shit, had I gone too far? Feli looked like he was about to cry which was actually pretty normal but I still knew I had to say something.

Luckily before I had to awkwardly as if he was okay he pretty much spelled it out for me, "I really don't want you throwing away the only good thing you have!" He sniffled, "He changed you and made you happy, anyone could see that and now you're just throwing it away!"

I took a reproachful step closer to Feli, something that he took as an invitation and threw his arms around my neck, "He's the one who threw it away, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to go get it."

"Then make him go get it back for you!" Feli suddenly pushed me away and glared at me, "He'd go a million miles and do anything for you! Do you even want to try? He says he won't call or see you anymore if you don't want... He says he wants you to be happy but please don't push him away, please, please, please!"

"If I regret anything at least it won't be for long."

Feli shook his head, "But you still won't be happy like you were with him." He watched me as I stood in silence before heading for the door, I didn't turn to look at him, "I'm sorry, Lovi."

Only when the door slammed shut did I turn around, "For what?!" I yelled at his figure as he headed across the street and away, "For kissing him?! For trying!? Or do you feel sorry for me, asshole!? Everyone does! They all do and I fucking hate it! Everyone fucking..."

I sat back down then with my head in my hands, I was yelling to an empty cafe about shit that didn't even matter...

I looked up then; something was glimmering on the counter by the register. I stood up and went over. Keys and a note:

_These are the keys to the cafe, don't forget to lock up and get the lights once you're done!_

_Tell Lovi I love him for me, okay?_

_-A_

I crumpled the note after I read it three times and grabbed the keys. Jeeze, that dopey little brother still managed to forget.

I found the light switch myself and left, I locked the door, hell knows if I had to do anything else to make sure this place didn't get looted but honestly I couldn't be bothered to find out.

I'd just head back to the hospital. Feli was long gone after his dramatic entrance. I'd text him the next morning and give him the keys. Simple.

Then whatever would happen next would happen next.

Damn, I had forgotten how depressing it was to just be waiting for the next thing to happen, especially when you wondered if the next thing would come at all.

I zoned out while I was walking, I knew my way around with my eyes closed. Being terminally ill since before you even hit double digits meant I didn't really escape town much.

So why the hell did I snap back to reality and realise I was on Antonio's fucking street? Hell, I could even see his place.

Well whatever. I would post his keys through his letterbox and head back after that. No big deal. Keys and go.

Except as I got closer to his house I knew more and more that I wasn't gonna be able to turn away.

Antonio was inside that house, the man who loved me, and despite what he did still loved me over my brother. The guy who would do everything for me turned out to be the same guy I'd do anything for and fuck that meant forgiving him too.

I grabbed the keys out my pocket and squeezed hard until they dug into my palms so much they almost broke the skin.

Feli was right, I couldn't let this go over something so stupid... I couldn't breathe because the need to see him was crushing me.

I banged on his door enough times that I had to wonder if the whole damn neighbourhood heard but if they did fuck them.

I needed him, I wouldn't have long with him but I needed him there or I would go insane.

I held my breath, there was movement on the other side of the door. Him. I could hear him.

The door opened and there he was. His face went from confusion to shock and then something I couldn't see because he caught me as I fell onto him,

"Lovino!"

"I need you!" I knew I sounded breathless and choked but I had to speak, "Please, I need you so bad!" Before I even knew what was happening we were both on our knees in the door of his house, he was crying. I could feel it on my shirt but so was I, I was heaving on top of him but he still held me.

And I could smell him and feel him and see him and even though it hadn't been long since I had seen him last but it felt like forever and after thinking I'd never see him again and that he didn't love me this was like nothing ever before.

I was gripping his shirt so tight I was creasing it and I was taking so many deep breaths of him that I was dizzy.

He was everything.

And with him I felt like I could be everything too.


	43. Chapter 43

_A/N: So close to 200 reviews! I love you guys! _

_This really is the beginning of the end though to enjoy but be warned..._

**Chapter Forty-Two**

**Promises That Can't be Kept**

"Lovi... Oh, Lovi...!" We had fallen back into my house, locked up in each other's arms. He was here and it was all I could think about. Why was he here? I was sure he wanted me gone! But right then I couldn't ask those questions, I was too overwhelmed with his presence when I thought I'd never feel it again.

"I love you dammit!" he was yelling but it was muffled with his face buried into my shoulder, "You bastard!"

I smiled, he was right, I had been a bad guy and I didn't deserve him. I so didn't deserve this.

"You're here." I whispered before kissing his cheek, that soft, tender skin under my lips.

I sat up slowly, I was getting my composure back but my excitement and happiness hadn't subsided one bit. My hands were shaking as I pushed the hair away from his face: perfect.

"I'm never letting you again." I breathed taking both of his hands and squeezing them tightly, "I'm so, so sorry."

He averted his gaze before leaned forward and against my chest, "Feli spoke to me..."

I smiled, "I should have come myself."

"Damn right." He sat up scowling at me, "But I know I can be a bitch when I'm mad, I wouldn't have given you the fucking time of day." He closed his eyes, "I don't want to think about this!" He pulled his hands out of mine and gripped his hair leaning forward so that his body curled in on itself, "You should have told me! I thought you slept with him! Why the hell didn't you tell me!?"

I placed my hand on his back rubbing it gently but before I could answer he continued,

"I couldn't stay away from you! I planned to never see your goddamn face again, so what the hell happened? I can't live without you dammit! I could die tonight but I couldn't even cope with that if I didn't have you!" He gripped the front of my shirt, "I never leaving here again."

"You wanna come inside? We'll sit on the couch and we can talk about this..."

He shook his head and looked up t me, "I wanna go to your room."

I smiled softly and agreed, "Okay. We'll go to my room. Can you stand okay?"

He shrugged, "Doesn't matter, you're carrying me either way."

I laughed but nodded again, this was what I fell in love with, "I guess I am... Are you ready?" I stood up, leaning down to scoop him up.

He reached up in response, looping his arms around my neck.

Minutes later we were lying on my bed, my fingers moving up and down his arm. He hadn't asked me to start speaking but I knew I had to, I needed to see this all put behind us.

"When we met..." I spoke slowly to catch his attention, "I didn't know who you were... For the first part you were just Lovino, no attachments, and no connections to anything else I knew. Just a guy in a hospital who I couldn't stop going back to."

He looked over to me, listening quietly.

"I already felt like I had gotten to know you by the time I found out that you and Feli were didn't hit me as anything more than a funny coincidence. You were never 'Feli's brother' to me you've been a totally different part of my life, and one I can't remember life without. If anything Feliciano has been a part of you rather than you being part of him."

Lovi propped himself up on his side, "No one has ever thought that before you."

I smiled and ran my thumb along his jaw, "I can't believe that for a minute... Maybe I was the only one brave enough to tell you. You are intimidatingly attractive."

Lovi seemed to snort at that and fall on his back, "Speak for yourself, asshole."

I grinned at that, knowing I had embarrassed him enough, "So it took weeks for the penny to drop and me to realise it was your _brother_ that I had kissed so long ago. But both then and now it really meant nothing, it didn't click that it was something I should tell you about."

"Even though I feel inferior to him in every fucking way?"

"I know..." I whispered, "I'm not trying to say I did something okay, I'm just telling you why. You need to know that I would never try hurt you, or even take that kind of risk... I was careless, it never even clicked how much I would hurt you until you called."

Lovi sighed, "I guess this is what I get for falling in love with a dumbass goofball."

I chuckled at that and kissed his hand but kept my reply serious, "No one deserves to have what I did to you happen to them." I rolled on to my side and suddenly pulled him into a tight hug, "I'm just so glad you're here!"

"Thank Feli." His arms slowly went around me, "The shit he said convinced me... I was getting worked up over a kiss, about to throw away my last chance of spending my last days with someone who I..." He sighed and leaned his head on my chest, "I have no fucking idea what this feeling is."

That made me worry a little, "Is it a good feeling?" I asked quietly.

I felt him nod, "It's just overwhelming, Jesus, it'll kill me before anything else can."

There was a long pause before he looked up at me, "Can we just go back to being in love now? Please?"

The look in his eyes almost broke me completely, I couldn't even speak, just nod and smile at him. I promised myself no tears and while a few escaped when I first saw him again I wasn't letting that happen again. One of us had to look strong, and I knew if I stopped desperately trying to look happy for him it would all fall apart.

"And I want you to do something for me." He told me, grabbing the duvet and pulling it over us.

"Yeah?"

He moved away from me and sat up, pulling his knees to his chest like he was scared of what I'd think, "You're not allowed to say no." He told me before telling me in an uncertain tone, "I want you to talk at my funeral."

That got my attention quickly. Somehow throughout all my knowing Lovi we hadn't mentioned his funeral at all. As a matter of fact we barely spoke about life after his death at all... It was kinda like I was dying with him.

"Do you mean a speech?" Gosh, I what could I say? Truthfully I had so much to say about Lovi, I could go on for days and not get bored of him but there was a problem...

"Yeah, but remember half of the assholes there will be the guys who pretend to be my closest pal to look good, and the ones who will say 'I wish I got to know him better' when they had twenty fucking years to do that. So don't let them start now when they finally don't have to deal with the real person. Either they get to know me when I'm alive or not at all so don't tell them what they don't deserve to know."

That was the problem.

It was selfish but I also didn't want to tell everyone at Lovi's funeral certain things about him. There were certain details that I wanted to keep locked away just for me.

Lovi and I had something I really would call magic. Or that's how it was to me at least... I couldn't pass the magic on or give it away for the sake of a funeral speech. No, the magic was locked in a box that Lovi and I had between us and no one else was getting the key.

"What do I say?"

He shrugged, "I don't fucking know. Just force them to realise I was worth a damn."

I closed my eyes and nodded, "Alright, I'll think of something." I opened my eyes again quickly and looked at him, "Do you want to know what I'm going to say?" It was like I kinda forgot that Lovi wouldn't be able to be there when I made that speech. Something in me tightened. When I was going to his funeral, I'd be alone.

"No." He told me with no hesitation, "You can tell me when you're dead too."

I smiled as I pondered what he had just said... The idea we'd meet again was kind of eerie but the most comforting thing he could have possibly given me.

"I don't want you to talk to anyone at my funeral apart from Feli and Grandpa." Lovi then told me, "If they try to say something to you brush them off."

I frowned at this, I knew Lovi would have demands for me but this seemed a little weird, "Why not? Everyone there cares about you, you know... In some way or another."

"I don't want them to steal you." He suddenly climbed on top of me then, his hands on my chest, trapping me between his legs.

I looked up at him, trying not to look down at the compromising way he was positioned over me... "They could never steal me... You're always my number one."

He sighed and shook his head, one of his hands was pushing up my shirt... Was he... Trying to come on to me?

It was definitely working! But if he wasn't trying to turn me on and this was all innocent then I'd feel like a real jerk if I tried to take advantage of him... But he was certainly challenging me.

"You don't get it. If they get to know you they'll get to know who we were to each other and that's fucking ours. Those A-grade assholes don't get to know all this just because they cried a little as they passed by my coffin."

I caught his hand and kissed his fingers, "You really don't like the people coming, do you?"

He shook his head, "They never gave me any goddamn reason to."

"Then I won't talk to them."

Lovi moved back then, his butt was grinding up against my crotch. I gave a strangled gasp and grabbed the pillow behind my head holding onto it tight... Oh gosh. Lovi _had_ to know what he was doing now.

I sat up slowly so our faces were close. He held onto my shoulders and shifted his hips on my lap, closing his eyes as he gave a tiny whine.

I kissed him and he didn't hesitate in pushing back against my lips. He was breathing hard through his nose and one hand went into my hair, squeezing it hard.

It almost hurt.

Almost.

"Lovi..." I breathed as we parted, "I shouldn't ever have let you go, even for a second."

He shrugged, his face going red, "You couldn't exactly stop me."

I pressed my forehead to his, "I should have gone straight to you. Headed over and talk you everything until you were forced to believe I love you."

"You don't have a car, you couldn't have gotten to me, dumbass."

I kissed over his jaw, considering this before telling him, "Then I should have ran there."

He shoved me back, I went easily and landed back on the bed, he looked down at me before taking a deep breath.

I put my arm behind my head, watching him, and letting the warm feeling of arousal spread all over me. He looked tense but he knew I was there. Whenever he caught my eye I made sure to look at him with encouragement.

He bit his lip as he slowly unfastened the top few buttons on his shirt, "Do you like this?" He's voice shook but I don't think he meant for it to sound as sexy as it did.

I nodded, "Move back a little and I'll be able to prove that."

He blushed and quickly slid his shirt off his shoulders, "I should fucking strangle you with this... I'm going to ride you, bastard."

It was my turn to get flustered then! The way he just said it like that without even trying to edge around the point, and then there were the images of what was to come... His naked body over mine and his handsome cock on full display.

"Lovi... I'll help you!" I quickly went to get my own shirt off by my hands were grabbed before I even had the chance.

"No!" He growled, forcing them back to where they came from and holding my hands down, "You're gonna lie back and watch, you're fucking mine tonight you got it?"

I nodded, watching him with wide eyes... Who on earth would have guessed Lovi would be so dominant!? I wasn't complaining, it was a turn on I didn't know I had but gosh, it certainly took me by surprise.

"You'll torture me..." My voice was strained as I felt his soft ass roll back onto the bulge that was making a tent out of my sweat pants.

"Try to enjoy it." He unbuttoned his pants then, they were too tight for me to gage how hard he was but the feeling of relief that spread over his face as he shoved his hand down there wasn't something he could have faked... "You better not laugh if I suck... I never exactly got time to practise so fuck it, I'm making it up."

I nodded, trying to control my breathing. It would be impossible to laugh at him, he could have done anything and it would still have got me going.

Soon we were both naked, my cock bare and pressing against the warmth of the back of his ass as he teased me. He looked so touchable, his nipples were rock hard, as was his cock, but everything else looked so soft and as he heaved and whined on my chest he seemed to glow in a way he was just totally unaware of.

He didn't know his own strength, every time I reached out while he entranced me, he would smack my hand away like he was swatting a fly. He was desperate to take charge and had me put my hands under my body just so I wouldn't touch.

He was doing all the touching for the both of us. As he rocked his hips his cock had been bouncing slightly until he grabbed it for himself, his fingers slowly grazing up and down the length.

For most of it I couldn't speak, just show my appreciation in breathless noises but finally I pieced together a sentence,

"I... I don't know if I can ever let you go."

For the first time Lovi leaned down and kissed me. I had been hearing my heartbeat in my ears for some time, but when he kissed me, especially in the pure, innocent way he did, it sped up so much that all I could hear was a rushing noise.

Lovi kissing me was something that wasn't physical but emotionally it hit me stronger than everything else he had been doing. Just the simple kiss had me overwhelmed and it took every fibre I had not to grab him and hold him there.

"Fuck you..." His voice shook as he drew back his face still close enough that I could feel his breath on my face, "Before you I was ready to die..." He put his hands on my chest like he was trying to grab at the skin, his nails digging in deep, "I wasn't scared because I thought I was done with being alive- I had accepted it and I was gonna go quietly." He put his head on my chest then and I could feel he was trembling, "But I'm not ready anymore! I'm so fucking terrified again and I feel so small! It's your fault but I still love you. I can't stop fucking loving you!"

He drew back then, he wasn't crying but his face was wet. He raised his body up then, his hand searched around behind him before he finally grabbed my cock and shuffled back over it.

It was finally happening, his warm hole was pressed against my tip and he was looking up like he was praying for strength.

He started to lower himself and had me arching off the bed; he was so tight. He hadn't done anything to prepare himself, and the strangled yell as he started to take the girth of me showed it.

I looked up at him, forcing my concern to be priority over my need for release, "Lovi, take it slow." I told him, keeping my voice as steady as I could, "You want to give it a few secs? Or even stop and stretch it for a while?" He had totally neglected preparation and just looked pained from his perch on top of me.

He shook his head, "No, we can't stop. We have to keep going I can't stop!"

I reached out, leaning over as much as he weight on me would let me and fumbled around in my drawer in my nightstand, finally gripping a bottle of lube, "At least use this? Please?"

He grabbed it without answering and squirted a generous blob onto his palm. He didn't pull off of me but coated the remainer of my cock. I felt his hand slide up and down and thought about how it must have been before he had lubed me up... This was bound to help.

He took a deep breath and pushed down again; he was gulping in air and kept his eyes fixed on me like he was asking for my support.

I put my hands on his thighs and rubbed them to comfort him. This time he didn't try stop me and I was glad of that, as he inched down further, I felt like I was part of it, trying to remind him the whole time I was there to love him, not hurt him.

He was just so precious, he had broken out into a sweat by the time he had his hips on mine. But even with perspiration sticking his hair to his forehead and his lips parted in a way that would look sultry on anyone else, all I could think about was how pure he was. His tightness made me throb inside him in a way he could probably feel against his walls, now slick with the lube.

"Why does it feel... Even bigger in here?" Lovi's face was screwed up a little but he was still rocking back and forth, letting me feel the inner workings of his body as he shifted, "Fuck, feels good though." He let his head hang down, letting us both watch as he started to move up again before lowering himself.

Soon he had a fluid movement going, he had a rhythm but with every movement he seemed to get faster. It felt smoother and obviously the pain he had felt had faded.

"Ahh!" He yelped, he had found a new angle and it was obviously hitting just right the spot. He reached out and grabbed my hands; interlocking our fingers he put all of his weight on me and used me to support himself as he indulged himself on my cock.

It all felt just incredible to me, unlike Lovi I hadn't faced the pain, this had felt amazing to me from the start. But the look on Lovi's face was more potent than anything else and I knew he had finished me.

"Can I cum inside you?" My words were slurred slightly with the haze he got me in. I wish I had said it more romantically but he was just too good at this for me to be thinking straight.

He nodded quickly, "Mm! Please! Oh shit... Oh shit!"

He gasped and choked and squeezed my hands until I felt like they were going to break. He seemed totally taken over, like he had forgotten that he would climax at all and it had hit him like a truck!

That really sent me over the edge, his hot seed splattered on me as high as my collar bones and I clenched my jaw as I experienced the joy of letting myself go inside him.

By the time we were down from our high and gotten our breath back we were curled up in each other's arms, the way he was laying kinda meant he was smearing himself in his own spunk but he didn't seem to mind.

"I'm never leaving." He said softly but surely, "I'm not going back to that hospital, if you tried to drag me back I'd just run away back here. I don't have long now and I want to be sure I live here for the rest of my life."

"They'll never let you."

"I don't care." He looked up me, "If you leave me I'm scared that I'll never fucking see you again." He looked terrified, honestly so afraid, "I'm not ready for that."

"Lovi..." I kissed his forehead, "I promise you'll wake up tom-"

But he cut me off before I could finish our ritual, "No! Stop! Don't say that!"

I blinked a few times, this always worked before. It reassured me too but this time it was no good. It unsettled me and suddenly I felt as scared as him, and it was such a looming, inescapable fear.

"But-"

"Never say that to me again!" He pressed his face to my chest, "Because this time I really don't know if I will see tomorrow and I don't want some of the last of words you say to me to be a promise you can't fucking keep!"

He was right. I couldn't keep a promise like that.

I guess we had both been fooled by what I said to him. We both knew I couldn't possibly stop anything- what was going to happen would happen. We were both just too desperate to remember that, our need to know it would all be okay for just a little while would have made us believe anything.

We only wanted tomorrow.

Except it was we wanted every tomorrow. There would never come a night where I could think of waking up alone in the world the next day and being able to accept that was had just run out of tomorrows.

We couldn't keep on doing this and running forever.

No, he was right. He was never leaving again. I would take on anyone and anything if it meant the time we had left was time together.


	44. Chapter 44

_A/N: More short mini chapters! There's another one after this so read that one too!_

_Woo 200 reviews! Love ya_

**Chapter Forty-Three**

**The Garden**

At one point that night I woke up alone.

Where was Lovi? Did I dream his whole being there? I sat up slowly, not even checking the time. The window was wide open...

Squinting a little, I spotted him in the garden. I must have left the key in the window lock, or he had looked around for it himself. He was wearing his underwear and my shirt, but as pretty as he looked he must have been freezing... He was barefoot and I knew how thin that shirt was.

He hadn't noticed me at all, and I didn't want disturb him. He looked so peaceful out there.

I didn't know what he was doing but I was content to watch for a while. I was proud to see him like that, appreciating my work. He really was appreciating it; he was taking a good look at all the flowers, stooping down to smell them some points.

He disappeared after a while, moving on deeper and out of my sight.

When I woke up again the next morning he was back in my arms, a bunch of lavender flowers were clenched in one hand, enough of them from me to smell them before I saw them. He had left the window open but I didn't mind... It just made my happy to think of him in the paradise I had made for myself.

Or maybe he was my paradise now.


	45. Chapter 45

_A/N: 2.0_

_Thanks for reading as always! This is shaping up to be the exact same le__nghth as my first fic..._

_Please review! It's like paying me the money the feeds me except reviews feed my soul!_

**Chapter Forty-Four**

**Shortest Longest Days**

I got up without Lovi to make breakfast, I felt like I had a lot to do that day and wouldn't have been able to relax until I got going.

I set out a group email to all my workers – the cafe was closed until further notice. I felt a little bad for taking away their jobs for a little while, but I knew most of them would be fine. In Feli's case I knew he'd be able to get money in other ways, and besides, he'd understand.

I made pancakes for breakfast. I was keeping Lovi here and I was going to treat him like a real Prince! Cooking him the food he liked, taking each day slow by his side and just being there, loving him.

I felt like the big thing that day was my trip to the hospital. It would be the only time I would leave his side for the rest of his life and even that made me feel uncomfortable. Lovi couldn't come though; I couldn't take him back there.

As I drew to the end of cooking, I started to worry, I just felt like Lovi should have been up already... Did I go wake him?

I didn't think long.

"AHH!" A strangled sounding yell came from my room... Lovino!

"'Tonio... 'Tonio help!" If wasn't disturbing enough, this panicked shouting made me fumble hastily. I dropped the plate I was holding, it smashed in two but I had no time or care to sort it out. I turned off the gas and sprinted than I ever had before in my own home, barrelling through the door.

"I-I Don't know what happened...!" Lovi was a collapsed heap on the floor, oh gosh, he looked terrified. Oh gosh... This was bad, "I tried to get up, I tried to stand, I thought I was fine, but I just fucking..."

I was at his side by now, "You fell? Don't worry about it... Your body must just still be asleep! Come on, it's okay."

We both knew it wasn't okay.

Lovi started to shake his head, slow at first but suddenly he seemed frantic, "No... No, I can't walk! I can't stand! Fuck, I can't!"

But I couldn't accept what he was saying, "No, no, no!" Because I knew accepting he collapsed because his body had failed him meant so much else, "You're okay!"

He gripped the front of my shirt and I noticed how heavily I was breathing. I felt like I had just swallowed a sword and my face burned.

"Look, let's try again, we all get like this right after we wake up, right?" I grabbed his arm and put it around my shoulders, "We can do this together, you're over thinking this!"

He gripped my arm and slowly we hoisted him up, sure I was doing most of the work but once he was back on his feet he was going to be fine!

"There, you're up, see?" He was looking at me with an expression I just couldn't figure out. But I knew it was sadness of some kind, "I'm gonna let go."

"Don't!" His fingernails dug into my arms, "I'll fall."

"You won't!"

"I'm the one who's meant to go through denial asshole!" Without thinking he shoved me away and gasped as he toppled over. His eyes were wide and he seemed to go slow as he fell back, crying out as he hit the carpet.

I looked at him with wide eyes for a few seconds, his shoulders were shaking and he looked up at me like I had just caught him doing shameful.

"You just need a coffee..." I tried again. I didn't know why I was doing it...

Actually I did know, because there was not a single fibre in me that wanted this all to be what it looked like. If this was really how it seemed then how long did we have? Weeks?

... Days?

Believing him would bring me to questions I was too scared to ask, let alone hear the answers to.

Lovi looked down then, "'Tonio... I'm done for." He sniffed, "I'll never walk again in my life. I'm not independent, I'm gonna fucking waste away until there's nothing. That's how I'm going to die. I'll fade out."

I sat down on the bed, at that moment I couldn't stand either. I stared at the carpet I couldn't think, speak, or anything. I

I should have gone to comfort him. Should have, should have.

I took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling. He was being taken away bit by bit as I sat there, and there was nothing I could do about it.

Finally I went to his side then and silently we got him back on the bed.

"Are you scared?" I asked. It felt like a dumb question but I needed to ask it, he needed to talk this out. He had bottled so much up over his life that I knew this couldn't fit too.

"It was obviously gonna happen." He spoke quickly, I knew he was trying to avoid talking about his real feelings, but they were there, bubbling over.

"And now it has." I whispered.

That got something to click inside him because suddenly the words began to pour out, "What if I wake up tomorrow and I can't speak? Or I can't read? Or my whole body won't work? It's me! I don't know what _I'm_ doing in there! And I can't do a fucking thing!" He paused to take a breath, "I kept imagining dying, closing my eyes and it all going dark but not this part... The part where I'm lying there and knowing it could be any fucking second."

He looked at me wildly and I knew that I would never see the end of this guy in my life. He was the one and the only one that could possibly tear me apart like this,

"And you sit there probably thinking how sad and pathetic this all is... I love you too fucking much, all I want to do is give back all the shit you've given to me but look at me! I'll sit in your bed all day, eating your food and who knows how long I'll still be able to kiss you and even..." He gave a long shudder and then the tears started to roll down his cheeks, they were crazy fast and just kept coming, one after the other. I felt my own and didn't dare say anything because I knew even opening my mouth would make me burst into tears,

"What if I lose my memory and die not knowing you? What if I forget all of this?" He grabbed my arm, "I want to die next to you not a stranger, you've done so fucking much and I don't want to forget! Godammit I don't!"

I grabbed him and pressed him against my chest holding him there tightly. Maybe I was trying to make him become part of me, so he would never have to go from my side.

"If you forget any second, I'll tell you all about it over and over! As many times you need to hear it! I promise! I won't let you forget anything! I love you."

He buried his face in my chest and inhaled my deeply, "I love you, dumbass."

The guy I met all those months ago would have never given up those words so easy. He would have yelled , and cursed, and wormed right out of it.

I would have given anything to go back then. When six months away just seemed like a time that wasn't real, when we were different people.

When everything, all our thoughts and feelings to each other weren't so urgent- because back then it wasn't a case of now or never.

I thought back to the night we met and kissed the top of his dark auburn head, who's have thought such a prickly defensive guy would cry so easily at the thought of forgetting me.

"I'm so weak..." He mumbled and suddenly I felt guilty for comparing him to his past self.

"You're the strongest person I've ever met."

"Fuck off, that's what they all say don't go giving me that shit."

I smiled, so he still was prickly.

Of course he was, he was still the same guy, that's why I felt so overwhelmed for all my love for him. Not just for who he once was, but the tearful, limp specimen who was right in front of me. Lovino was who he was, and everything that he was, was everything that I loved and couldn't stop loving.

"You're incredible." I didn't go on to tell him how strong he was, that if I were him I'd have lost my mind by then, because he wasn't interested. I wasn't him and wasn't gonna try and bore him by going on about how I'd never cope in his place.

Just then a thought struck me that made me feel ice cold. I didn't want to say it out loud but I knew I had to,

"Lovi?" My voice was suddenly timid.

"What?"

I paused for as long as I could allow myself to before taking a deep breath, "Do you think this has this got anything to do with y'know... Last night?" He had been panting and heaving on top of me and we really had thrown all caution to the wind, not thinking about what it might have done to him at all!

He shrugged, it seemed like he wasn't even bothered by the suggestion, but his response still hit me hard, "Maybe... I guess that could make a little sense."

I didn't know what to say, all I could do is sit there thinking up ways to apologise over and over.

But he carried on, "But who cares if it did? I wouldn't regret it."

I looked at him with confusion, "But..." He couldn't walk! He was in tears over it and now he said he didn't regret anything?

His face hardened, "What? It was gonna happen and we never did that, I'd be lying around wishing we had! Are you saying it wasn't important to you? Jeeze."

"_Si_! It was important!" I almost stood up in protest until I realised I'd probably knock Lovi off of the bed, "It was so beautiful and special! But seeing you like this hurts so much..." I cupped the side of his face, letting his jaw rest in my hand, "I want to love you, but I don't want it to hurt you."

He turned away but nodded, seeming to get it a little more, "Fuck it. There's no point worrying now." His big doe eyes met mine, "It's done either way."

I nodded before kissing his smooth forehead, I could feel he was running a temperature under my dry lips, "Would you like some food?"

He lay back and pulled the duvet over himself, "Not hungry."

I sighed, I should have guessed this was gonna happen, "I made pancakes."

He grumbled, "I'm not fucking hungry! I'll have some later."

I got off of the bed and kneeled beside it to talk to him, "You need something."

"I need you to stop fucking talking about food." He sighed and looked at me, knowing he was gonna have to compromise sometime, "I'll have fruit or something, save the pancakes for lunch or something."

I nodded, accepting this and stood up, "Listen, I gotta go out for a little bit." I didn't want to leave him but the stuff that I needed to do today still needed to be done... I'd just be super fast!"

He tutted, "What the hell? Abandoning me you sick son of a bitch?"

I gave him a sorry smile, "I know. But I'll be home again soon, okay?"

I went to the kitchen, first I picked up the shards of plate from earlier but then grabbed the whole fruit bowl. There was plenty there! Bananas, oranges, grapes... It would keep him sustained!

"Here." I placed the bowl down at his bedside, "Have as much as you want." I smiled at him as he lay on his side gazing at me, "I'm stopping off to get groceries on my way home, if you want something text me, okay?"

He nodded and reached out grabbing the front of my shirt. He kissed me full on the lips and I melted right into him. His mouth was so warm and wet, he was perfect.

He drew back and I chuckled, he was bright red but didn't just yell at me like he usually did, "Hurry back." He spoke in a voice that was so cute that I knew I'd sprint home!

**.oO0Oo.**

"There's no reason to have him back here! All it does is cause him distress!"

Talking about Lovi like he was a lost cause wasn't something I liked, but I knew it had to be done.

"The doctor has made his decision and he needs to be here under observation! Now bring him into our care or we'll be forced to send someone over to collect him."

The nurse wasn't budging no matter what I tried though. I gave a distressed sigh and leaned on the desk, putting my head in my hands, "This environment is terrible for his mental state, surely you have his best interests at heart!?"

"We do, and we've come to the decision that his best interests lie here." Her aged face softened, "I understand it's hard for loved ones to accept, but sometimes patients are better off here."

I leaned closer to her, imploring with all I had, "But he told me again and again he can't stand it here... Have you spoken to him? It's obvious how much he hates it."

That seemed to stump the nurse, at first I thought this was her realising she had never met Lovi at all but when she spoke I realised she was thinking of something totally different, "Not for a few years."

I furrowed my brow, "You know him?"

She shook her head, "I took care of him when he wet the bed here. He was ten years old and he cried and cried."

I thought about the picture and smiled, it was totally believable, "You still remember it?"

She barked a laugh, "How can anyone forget a patient like him!? He was the rowdiest child I had ever met! And with the foulest mouth!"

I nodded, that was Lovi alright.

There was a long pause before finally, "I'll see if his doctor is free, you can argue his case to him."

I gasped and could have kissed her, "Thank you! Thank you so much!"

She turned to leave but now without muttering, "If you let that boy get hurt so help me God."

It was a long battle with the doctor, for most of it I was sure it wasn't happening- Lovi would have to come back and stay here but finally, _finally_ he told me that Lovi was allowed to stay with me. I leapt up and hugged the man then.

It was like Lovi had been released into my arms forever. All that arguing for just a few days together but it was worth it. It would been worth it even if we were just going to get a few extra seconds together.

I would go buy enough food to keep us going for the next few days and then I would get home and go to bed. I would live beside him for as long as we were allowed to.

They would be the quickest and slowest days of my life, and whatever happened after was a mystery.

A mystery that I was too scared to think about solving.


	46. Chapter 46

_A/N: Thanks for reading._

**Chapter Forty-Five**

**Tomorrow**

For the next two days I didn't leave the house. I barely left my bed! I had to stay with Lovi not matter how hard it was sometimes, I needed every moment with him and he needed me... He really needed me.

He needed help dressing; he needed help remembering what we were talking about; he needed help taking baths... I knew he was embarrassed about it, but I did my best to remind him that I loved him, and his deteriorating body didn't make me think any less of him.

"Feli's coming today, remember?" I sat by his head petting his hair. I had told him that Feliciano was coming to see him, but that was last night, something that might as well have been a year ago with his memory.

"He..." Lovi sat up, "What? No!"

"He needs to see you!" I knew Lovi had been uneasy about me inviting Feli over, but it was something that not even he could stop. Feli deserved to know how his brother was. He deserved to have this time to do what I was doing, preparing myself. Bracing for the worst.

"Not like this!" Lovi blinked a few times, "Tell him I can't..."

I shook my head, I hated saying no to him. I knew that if this were another life, and if the situation wasn't so serious, then I'd have spoilt Lovi rotten, "He'll be over in about an hour... He's your brother, you love him."

Lovi pressed his lips together and his face crinkled in frustration, "He doesn't deserve to see this shit."

I pulled Lovi to my side, "Shhh, it's gonna be okay. You'll thank me when you see him."

"Fuck off."

I smiled and kissed his forehead, "How's the reading going?"

You really couldn't say Lovi wasn't a fighter. He was still reading even as focusing got harder and harder, his determination was really impressive!

It was one of my books, another Murakami. It made me smile as I thought back to our trip to the movies. Reading gave him a sense of purpose, that was clear to see, so knowing I started his love for these books made me feel closer to him.

"I'm almost half way." He grabbed the book from amongst the sheets next to him and showed me the bookmark, it was around half way, "I read ten pages this morning. I didn't need to figure out what had happened before either."

"Seriously?!" I grinned and gave his body a light squeeze, "Lovi! That's fantastic!"

He rolled his eyes, "Yeah, whatever..." He glanced up at me, "You must think I'm pathetic."

I shook my head, "I've never even thought that about you."

He sighed and I knew that this was the end of the conversation, he would fall asleep now. He had only woken up four hours ago after an eleven hour long night sleep but this was normal for him.

I stayed with him like I always did was he started to snooze again and just watched his body move up and down slowly with his breathing.

An hour came and went, I was glued to his side until the door rang. Feli was here...

When I called Feliciano to tell him that Lovi wasn't doing so well I really felt like I knew what it was like to be a doctor breaking bad news. The whole call was excruciatingly long, I kept stalling, maybe some irrational part of me thought if I put it off long enough there was a chance Lovi would just get up and ask why the heck I was worried.

But that never happened; I managed to make the situation worse by brining poor Feli into false sense of security... I should have said what the call was about straight up!

I opened the door and within three seconds I knew I wouldn't have to ask how Feli was. He always wore his heart on his sleeve and I guess now was no exception,

"'Tonio!" He sobbed and pretty much threw himself onto me, "I ran here! Lovi! _Dov'è lui_?!"

I helped Feli regain his balence, I had to stay calm, it was the only way from keeping Feli away from a full meltdown, "He's asleep... You want something to eat? He'll wake up soon."

Feli sighed and seemed to deflate, "I want to see him..."

I looked behind me in the direction of my room before patting Feli on the back, "Sure. But let's not wake him yet, okay?"

He nodded and followed as I led him down the hall and into my room. Lovi didn't even stir as we entered and Feli moved closer until he was sitting down beside the bed.

"At least he's out of hospital…"

I nodded, "I'm looking after him best I can."

Feli sent a sad smile in my direction, "I know he'd pick you over that place any time!" He stood up again and came over to me again, this time to put his arms around me and hug me tight, "I'm so glad he found you!"

I looked at Lovi, his red hair against the white sheets and nodded, "Me too… I need him to."

Feli drew back with a look on his face that made me think I had said too much by telling him that, "Toni'..." He whispered, "I'm really sorry!"

I didn't answer that, I just turned and left the room, "I'll make us some coffee!"

There was a pause followed by Feli padding down to corridor after me.

Neither of us really knew what to say until we were sitting at the table together, Feli stared down at his coffee and I knew he wasn't going to drink it. But that was okay, I probably wasn't going to have mine either. We just needed something in front of us.

"I just can't believe it's here." Feli spoke first, "I feel really stupid."

I looked up at him quickly then, "Stupid? Don't be ridiculous!"

Feli leaned back, "Even when we knew we really didn't have forever I feel like I took him for granted! I thought people started making every day count when stuff like this happens, but I still put work over visiting him, didn't call him some nights, thinking I could just do it the next day... I should have made the most of it from the beginning!"

I shook my head slowly, "No... No, no way!" I moved my chair closer to his, "You_ had_ to do things like working! Besides if you lived your whole life around him he'd hate it!"

He sighed, "I know that really... But I'm over-thinking everything!"

I nodded, "Just remember he really loved you okay? He really thought a lot of you."

Just as we ran out of things to say there was a noise from another room, "'Tonio!" Lovi croaked, prompting Feli to stand up quickly, "Where the hell did you go!?"

He probably thought he had only been sleeping for five minutes or so. Poor guy, he always got so disorientated, going to sleep mid afternoon and then suddenly it was dinner time.

"I'll be right there!" I looked at Feli before speaking in a low voice to him, "Mind if I go in first...?He's been a little uneasy about seeing you actually... Just so he knows you're here..."

Feli seemed to be offended and a little upset by this. I knew he would and I definitely understood why... He was Lovi's brother! They had always been close and now I had to go and tell Lovi he had a visitor like Feli was an estranged relative or even a stranger.

But I also understood Lovi. He was the big brother who had looked out for Feli all his life, even if it was from a hospital bed. Lovi wanted to be the big brother, now he felt weak and pathetic no matter how many times I told him he wasn't. Of course he wanted to see Feli, but not like how he was now... He was just embarrassed.

But I wasn't going to let embarrassment get between these two – I also wasn't going to throw this on Lovi when he didn't know it was coming.

Feli followed me to the bedroom door but waited as I slipped in first. He was obviously sad that he had to wait but maybe now saw why.

Lovi had his book back in his lap and rolled his eyes when he saw me, "Jeeze, there you are. My head feels like shit, I want a pain killer."

I nodded and took that as a perfect excuse to leave the room when Feli came in, those who deserved some time alone.

"Feliciano just arrived." I sat down on the bed as he snapped the book shut and threw it down next to him.

"What? Fuck you! I said no!"

I grabbed the book and quickly marked the page it opened on, the one he had just been reading. I put the bookmark in and set it aside again. He'd forget where he was otherwise and just get upset later.

"Look at me!" Lovi was almost begging me to stop this, "I look like shit! Not just normal shit, _dying_ shit! He'll just worry."

I smiled at that and put my arm around Lovi, it was nice when he showed his spark. What he was saying wasn't so nice, but hearing his fighting spirit in his voice made me feel safe.

"He'll worry even more if you send him away. He wants to start visiting every day. Once you see him you'll realise that there's nothing to worry about!"

"Except the fact that he'll spend the next few weeks or whatever seeing me get worse and worse. Oh, and what the stress will do to him."

I bit my lip, he was right, this would kill Feli... But if he never got to see Lovi couldn't help but think that'd be worse.

"He's right outside; I'm not turning him away." I pecked his lips and stood up, "I love you." I reminded him just in case he forgot how much I just wanted a life with him where I could just give him whatever he wanted and not think about a thing.

"Yeah, yeah."

I opened the door to Feli who was waiting anxiously. I gave him a warm smile and nodded, that was all it took for him to race through the door, crying out Lovi's name before something in Italian.

I grabbed what Lovi wanted before sitting in the kitchen waiting nervously. I didn't feel like I could join those two. I knew them both so well but it was something different when they were alone together – Feli must have felt that way too when he saw Lovi and I together.

Around thirty minutes passed peacefully, or as peacefully as they could. Then I heard shouting and looked up listening.

I didn't know what they were saying but I could tell whose voice was whose. It was mostly Feli, he sounded upset, which I guess was normal but still got me to stand up and rush through, what if something awful had happened?!

When I got through Feli was crying and Lovi looked like he was on the verge of tears, he was looking away, out of the window.

"'Toni!" Feli wailed and I knew I was going to be appealed to as the voice of reason, "He keeps saying I can't bring Grandpa to see him!"

"Lovi..." I murmured, my heart sinking.

"He doesn't need to see this shit. Don't you start yelling too."

"He really wants to see you!" Feli grabbed Lovi's arm making him wince. I tensed up ready to step in, "We can't put it off much longer!"

"Why? In case I drop dead?"

All three of us were silent. It was true and it was like Lovi forgot that for a second. His eyes darted between us like he had just realised what he said before looking down. He looked so vulnerable...

I was the first to react, suddenly overwhelmed with and instinct to protect him and came to the bed, sitting down and reaching out for him but he just shuffled back, away from me.

I blinked a few times in surprise but before I could ask what was wrong he spoke, "I want to go back to sleep. Leave me alone."

I looked at Feli, he wasn't crying but he looked like he was hurt past tears. He stood up but stood there like he was stuck to the ground.

He couldn't leave, and I wouldn't let him, not until Lovi had calmed down.

Lovi looked up at the ceiling for a few seconds, before over to Feli, "Feliciano."

Feli nodded, I didn't really get what was happening but still watched, I didn't wanna speak, it didn't feel right.

Lovi opened his arms and I was relieved to see the brothers share a tight loving hug that made me smile to watch.

"I'm fucking proud of you." Lovi mumbled, I could barely hear him but I had a feeling Feli could hear just fine, "I know I never say this kind of shit but I am."

Feli drew back a little and he looked sky high but devastated all at once. I looked away, it felt like a creepy voyeur sitting there like that!

"Lovi..."

"You did so much for me but once I'm gone and the bills are under control, quit that shit. Get out of those fucking supermarkets and see the world. Go back to Italy, go to school and get a job you'll _want_ to work in all day and all night. Find someone amazing, if it's the beefy meathead then fine but if he's not perfect don't settle. Make it so when you're lying here like I am you're not clinging on, you're ready."

There was a sniffle, Feli was crying again. I heard the fabric move as the two hugged again.

Lovi had made his dying wish.

**.oO0Oo.**

By the next morning Lovi was worse.

I had done it again, I had taken his condition for granted even the day before when he could speak coherently and understood what was happening.

"Feli's coming again tomorrow, okay? He wants to bring your Grandpa."

There was a long silence before finally, "...Grandpa..." Then there was a small smile. Totally different from his reaction the night before- pride and shame had gone from his system.

I smiled and ran with it, "That's right, Lovi, he's gonna make you feel a little better, right?"

I grabbed his hand but I must have done it too tight because he whimpered and I let go quickly. That's right, he was delicate now.

"My book... The book. Ahhh..." He made a small moan as he tried to sit up and lean against the headboard, "In the book all his friends left. 'S where I am."

He was way further than that; he had passed that part of the story days ago but I didn't have the heart to tell him. What good would it do anyway?

I handled him with extreme care and he didn't seem to protest as I pulled him into my arms. I read over him shoulder. I wasn't sure he was actually registering the words he eyes scanned over or even knew what the letters all put together said anymore but he seemed happy to move his eyes over the pages slowly. I guess it was something to do.

Sometimes his head would loll back onto my shoulder and he'd mumble something about his head hurting or his bones aching.

Eventually he stopped reading and turned to face me. He was trying to have a conversation and I could see he really was _trying_. I asked him plenty questions to help but we both knew we were travelling in circles.

He gave up soon and just rested his clammy forehead on my bare shoulder.

"I love you." I whispered, knowing he was distressed.

"Not... Not like this."

"Yes like that. I love _you_. I love every state there is to _you_."

He put his arms around me the and pressed his body in closer, "Thanks." His voice was hoarse, "Thank you, 'Tonio."

"Let's go for a bath. We both need one."

Lovi and I bathed together every night by then, it was good that way because it made it feel less like I was his caregiver and more like his boyfriend, his equal. Besides, it was a great way to feel close and intimate with him now that any kind of sexy touching was too much.

So we did have a bath together, he winced as I placed him into the water but soon seemed comfortable as I wiped the sweat from his skin, kissing his body as I soaked him.

He tried to return the favour and I let him keep at it for an hour until he was satisfied, the water had cooled but it was worth it for his own small victory.

And so, another day had passed. We curled up in bed feeling clean and fresh and my arms around his waist.

I was ready for sleep to come, I figured that's what he wanted but even like this, Lovi kept surprising me,

"I want to go somewhere tomorrow." He said plainly.

I perked up at that, leaning on my arm so I could look over at his face, "Go somewhere? Lovi what do you mean? Go where?"

He shrugged, "Anywhere, just let be outside again, amongst people. Get a wheelchair for me from the hospital or something, just don't let me be in here all day again."

I ran my fingertip along his upper arm lightly, "You wanna go out to eat maybe?"

"Anywhere!"

I smiled at that and chuckled, "Alright, we'll take a walk and get lunch, how does that sound?"

He nodded, "And it has to be tomorrow... Because we might not get another chance."

I didn't laugh at that, "Okay." I whispered and lay back, "We'll do it, I promise."

He sighed, contented and paused for a few seconds before saying quietly, "I love you too."

"Huh?" What did he mean now?

"Earlier... You said you loved me and I forgot to say I love you too... I love you too. I remembered that."

"Yeah..." I said softly and put my forehead to the back of his neck, I was glad for this moment of clarity he had, knowing it would become a precious memory. He was there with me and for that little while I felt like he wasn't leaving, it was all a bad dream and we had our lives together.

I had gone through so much with this guy. All the tears, the pain. Especially in those past few days, helping him to the bathroom when he threw up and wiping him down, reminding him that I loved him, feeding him soup that he wouldn't eat half of, and just lying there for hours, staring at the back of his head as he slept.

I would do it all again in a second for just a fraction of the happiness and the wholeness I had felt over those past few months. I would have done anything to start it all over again.

Once he was a shadow in a room and I was a lost stranger. Six months, 15552000 minutes later and here we were. What were now? I didn't even know.

What could we be? If we didn't have gravity, if we didn't have this force holding us back and pinning us down what would we be? And where would we be going?

I didn't know but this wasn't living anymore, this was waiting and dreading.

I closed my eyes and imagined the two of us on a beach somewhere. Italy maybe. He was telling me I was an idiot but I was still splashing him. He could swim now, remember? We were far away from here, from this muggy, sick room and we were lighter.

"But I love you the most." I finished, but he never got to hear it, he was fast asleep by then.

* * *

**Lovino Vargas passed away at 2:34 am suddenly and peacefully that evening, his condition worsening unexpectedly an hour before.**


	47. Chapter 47

_A/N: yup, there's more_

_Thanks for reading, please review_

**Epilogue One**

The moment I woke up the next morning something felt wrong.

I opened my eyes, looking up to the ceiling and squinted, did I forget something? Maybe we had slept late. I could see Lovi out of the corner of my eye lying still.

I sighed as I slowly shuffled to sit up, "Are you awake, Lovi?" I asked, but was met with silence.

Too much silence.

My throat tightened.

"Lovi?" I grabbed his upper arm, it was cold, "Lovi, wake up!"

He rolled onto his back and I could see right away that he wouldn't wake up, he was cold, he was stiff, and something vital was missing.

But that didn't stop me, "Lovi!" I yelled louder, kicking away the duvet and climbing over him, "Lovi, wake up, please! Please, please, please..."

I felt like my whole body had tightened up, if I hadn't been gripping his shoulders then my hands would have been shaking. I didn't realise I was crying until tears landed on his face.

I let him go but still leaned over him, gripping my hair tight enough that I could feel the roots strain. "No... No, no, no." Came out as a constant stream under my breath, "Lovi please, come back! Wake up, please! I'm begging you!"

I got off of him and off of the bed in a flash, walking out and around the house until I was in the living room, pacing in circles. It was like I was trying to find a solution but I knew somewhere that there wasn't one, truly nothing could bring him back.

Suddenly I stopped still, my chest heaving, "Don't leave me here..." I sobbed and then I was on my knees. I had tried not to cry when he was still with me; I had to show him that I was still optimistic. Then he was with me, there was no reason to cry because I had him.

There was nothing to stop me now.

I cried so loud it was like I was trying to wake him up from death. I couldn't speak, I could barely breathe, jut cry and cry until the throat feel like it would snap in two. I just cried and cried and cried. I was wailing like a newborn. My face was soaked as the tears just kept coming.

He was gone.

Lovino Vargas was someone I had fallen totally and completely in love with and now he would never look at me, never talk to me, never hold, kiss, love, or be with me and nothing would be the same again.

I was curled up on the floor, my whole body shaking violently. All I wanted was him, that was all I ever wanted from the moment we met and still I was left behind with everything else except him. How could life be like this? Out of everything that could have been taken away from me why him? Why did it have to be him?

I imagined how it happened even though it killed me, he was curled up next to me and breathing deeply and then he just stopped. Heart was still and within seconds it was too late to possibly bring him back. He stopped being himself them, there was no such thing as Lovino Vargas and the one person who was perfect for me suddenly didn't exist.

There was only one Lovino, and now he was gone.

I sat back on my heels and spotted the phone. I was going to have to call the hospital; I was going to watch them take him away and this time forever.

I shuffled forward on my knees and put my hand on the phone. How was I going to do this? How could I? If I called them it would all become real. Right now it was a static situation where I would have him on the bed for as long as I could take. If I called then that was it. My Lovino would have been replaced by a cold body, lying in a morgue. He wouldn't be mine, he would be a thing not my beautiful, vibrant love.

It took me three attempts to call the hospital, the first two times I hung up the second it started to ring. I couldn't go through with.

The third time they answered too fast for me to hang up. They had to ask if anyone was there twice before I finally spoke. My voice croaked as I tried to tell them as calmly as possible that Lovino had passed away. They had more questions, most of which I didn't know the answer to but wished I did. The whole call was slow and hard, ever thinking or speaking about him in the way this doctor did felt wrong.

He was about to hang up, they were gonna send and ambulance over but suddenly I was able to speak coherently for a second, "Wait!"

There was silence on the end of the line but no dial tome to I went on, assuming someone was listening, "Would he have known it was happening? Was he in any pain?"

The reply came quickly, something that reassured me, hesitating was never good in these conversations, "If he was asleep I doubt it would have woken him." I released a shaky breath, "It's unlikely that he was conscious for any of it."

I gripped the phone tighter, as if I was trying to grab the doctor's hand through it, "Thank you... Thank you so much!"

I hung up after that, I was too much of a mess to say goodbye and then just sat there thinking about how through all the pain I was relieved. He wasn't in pain as he left me and he wouldn't he in pain ever again. He passed away in his sleep. It was all over for him, he was free, and he deserved to be free.

It was like all his pain had been passed onto me. I stood up slowly, wiping my eyes and wondering how my body managed to produce this many tears. I would carry that pain, I would carry this soul consuming ache so long as he was free of everything.

The ambulance was minutes away; I seemed to freeze for a second before running to him. I needed to be with him! They were going to take him away!

I stopped in the doorway and crumpled for a second like I had been winded when I saw him still lying there. His body so motion-less it was like it had been frozen in time, tranquil enough to make me believe so too.

I moved slowly over to him. Minutes ago I was shaking at him, screaming for him to wake up but now I was creeping around like he was just napping lightly.

"I'm sorry." I whispered and grabbed his hand, "I'm so selfish, you deserve to be free... You were in so much pain every single day. Now it's all gone, you deserve to be free you really do." I looked at his face, his expression so peaceful, "Still all I want right now is to have you back in my arms. I want you to open your eyes but you deserve to be out of this world and away from all the people who treated you wrongly. I know that, but I still just want you! I want you over everything else!" I held his cold hand to my face and tried to pretend he was there. The shape of his tiny hand, soft skin and slim fingers was so familiar but there was just something missing.

He still lay on his back with his eyes shut, face up to the ceiling. His lips were slightly parted but they'd never meet again. He looked so apathetic. Whatever I said made no difference, he wouldn't come back because I was hurt, there was something between us now that my words couldn't get through.

I wondered if he was on the other side, watching me. In some ways I liked to think so but in others I hated the idea of him seeing me like this, so self centred. If he was watching me he'd see my pain and I never for a second wanted him to be hurting like I was.

I leaned over him and moved my lips closer to his; we could share one last kiss. It would only take seconds. The guys from the hospital could bust in there at that very second and there would still be the moment I needed for a kiss goodbye.

My body tensed up as I slowly leaned closer, knowing this kiss wouldn't be returned was harder than I thought it would be, even though I knew why.

I paused when my lips were around a millimetre away from his face. This wasn't right. I wouldn't be kissing him; I would be kissing a body, something that once carried him but no longer. The vessel that once contained him was beautiful, it was everything I found appealing about how a guy could look but it wasn't him. I couldn't settle for anything less than him.

I drew away and gave him a sad smile as I pushed back his hair, running my fingers through it. I had known last time we kissed that it would be our last I would have never stopped; I'd have made it into so much more. I'd kiss him all over; make him feel so special and loved.

"Antonio Fernandez?" A voice sounded and I stood up quickly. There was a knocking as whoever called my name entered. They were here.

I backed away slowly, this time of being by his side was over. It was time.

I sorta just stood watching as they descended on Lovi. Part of me wanted to go over and push them all of off him, but at the same time I was totally frozen in place.

They seemed to be done in no time at all. They brought in a stretcher and laid it out on it. At least they were gentle, even if he had been asleep the way he was lifted up and placed back down so carefully hardly would have woken him.

I managed to shake myself free of where I was standing just in time to follow then out of the house and to the ambulance, watching them put him inside. He was covered with a white blanket... He looked like a cloud but I couldn't see his face anymore.

One of the men turned to me then, putting his hand on my shoulder. I didn't even look at his face; I was fixed on the body behind him, covered with white cloth and now faceless. This was just another working day for this guy, another limo body to pick up, and I was just another devastated loved one to console.

"I'm sorry for you loss." He said, but how could he be sorry? He had no idea how much Lovi meant to me, "If you're really struggling with loss call these guys, they're great."

He held out a card that I took from his hand on autopilot without even looking at it. It would be for counselling or therapy of some kind. Something they were required to give me as a part of some regulation, so if I did something crazy no one could look at them. My insides twisted as I thought of what Lovino would have had to say to this faked sympathy. He certainly would have felt pretty strongly.

But this time he wasn't going to march over and bad mouth it all, he was right in front of me but he didn't do a thing.

The ambulance doors shut making me flinch. The engine started and I was left standing there in the cool sun. Suddenly it hit me that I'd never see Lovino Vargas again – never ever.

I had photos, and obviously I had the memories that I had gone over so many times that they were ingrained in my head so deep that I'd never forget them... Him, though, his real body, the only one in the whole universe that I could reach out and touch with blood in his veins, the real soft hair and smooth skin... That was gone. I'd seen it for the very last time. Soon it'd be nothing but ashes.

I could hear my pulse in my ears, but I felt like my heart could have stopped at any second. All I wanted was him back, I wanted to run after them and take him back again.

So that's what I tried to do. I ran after the red and white ambulance, yelling at it to stop and bring him back! The love of my life was on there! I sprinted, going at it so hard that after only a minute or so I ran out of steam and had to come to a stumbling halt. I just stood there, breathing so hard that it burned my throat. They had turned the corner now and driven him out of my life forever.

There was nothing left to do now but to turn around and go home.

I walked back slowly, like I was in a daze. Opening the door I stepped inside the house.

It was empty. Just like it always was – empty like it always had been.

This time it was emptier than ever before, and I had never felt so lonely. I wasn't just lonely, I was totally alone.

I sat on the couch, my hands on my lap as I stared into space. Now what? I should have gone and had something to eat, gotten dressed. If had gotten a move on then I could have had the cafe open by noon, in time for the lunch rush. Life now was just how it had been before.

Nothing really had changed about my life. It was just like before. I had the same job, same home, same town... Same life as I had six months ago.

I stood up slowly and headed to the refrigerator, opening it and looking inside. I guessed the first thing to do was breakfast. There were plenty eggs. I had bought a whole lot of them, figuring they would be an easy to eat source of protein for Lovi. I gripped the fridge door harder, I really cared about him.

He never got to finish those eggs.

There were a lot of things he never go to finish. Those eggs, the book he was so excited to see what would happen next in... We never got our day out either today... He was really looking forward to that the night before but little did he know that he'd never get that. He was destined to never leave that room again.

I shut the fridge door. I couldn't do this. I couldn't return to my normal life after the amazing few months that I lived through. How was I supposed to go back to my quiet, simple, solitary life after everything?

I was wrong to say that nothing had changed, everything had changed. He changed it all.

I couldn't even remember how I survived before.

I thought back to what Matthew had said, as well as all the other advice I had been given. They would have told me _not_ to give up, _not_ to go back to bed, _not _to try and sleep to forget, and _not_ to let my hurt and grief take over my life completely.

But that advice was all from before, this was after. This was another world.

So I went back to my room, my face buried in the pillow that still smelled of his hair and closed my eyes, waiting for sleep to come, hopefully forever.


	48. Chapter 48

_A/N: My next project will be a collab GerIta with Dantefic that I'm really looking forward to, so if you enjoyed this keep an eye on both our profiles, it's gonna be really different but really great :)_

_Otherwise, thanks for everything guys, seriously I've had a blast with you all. Thanks for reading What We'd Do Without Gravity._

**Epilogue Two**

**Forever At Last**

Two years went by before I even realised it.

It was amazing, the time without Lovino was four times what I had with him but I was still in pieces. It worried everyone I knew, Feli, Francis, Gilbert... Well they were all I had.

The first time I pulled myself together after Lovino's death was for his funeral a week later. If there wasn't a funeral I honestly don't think I would have gotten out of bed that day. But I needed to be there for his sake, besides he had _asked_ me to say something.

I only knew one other person at the funeral, Feliciano. He didn't pay much attention to me but I understood. Everyone there was trying to talk to him – he was someone who had grown up closest to Lovino, it was like the funeral was as much closure for him as it was a celebration of Lovino's life. Feli looked worse than I had ever seen him. He was pale and looked like he was about to be sick, not that I looked much better. When he reached out his arm shook and when he walked hi legs trembled.

The ceremony was in a beautiful church that I would later learn was the same church Lovino was christened in. There were flowers, lots of them and it was obvious Feliciano had a big say in how it would all look.

It went by all over my head, I couldn't listen to what everyone was saying, my eyes were fixed on the coffin.

There he was, it was shut and covered with bouquets, but the same body that I had beside me in bed one week before was there.

Before I even realised what was happening my name was being read out. It was my turn to take the stand and say what I had to. I rose slowly, still looking at the dark wood that contained the thing that had become so precious to me.

I could see everyone aside from Feli and Lovino's Grandpa wondering who this guy could be, and who he was to be standing up and addressing them all.

I had a speech ready but I abandoned it, I left it at home that morning. It was an artefact of another time and had no meaning here.

"Lovino was a person worth knowing." I said, recalling what he wanted this whole thing to be about, "In life, things happen to us that can change us. They can be any shape or size, but though all of them do the same thing – they change our whole recipe of ourselves so dramatically that they leave us wondering how we ever were before."

I took a deep breath and tried to swallow down the lump in my throat. I didn't plan on crying here, Lovino wouldn't have wanted it, I could just tell,

"Lovino Vargas was that change, and now his mark his has been made it will never fade, even now that he's gone." I looked amongst them all and thought back to how hurt Lovino had been by these people, all his insecurities because they couldn't see past his health to the gem he was, "You'd have been a fool not to let him leave his mark on you. Thank you."

I didn't stay at the service long, as Lovi had requested I didn't talk to anyone, I didn't let them in to what the two of us had so when I left none of them were any wiser to who I was.

You would think that funeral was my chance to let go but it wasn't. Or rather, I didn't let it be that. I held on to my feelings for him tightly and all the pain that came with them. As a result I was paralysed.

While the months passed and Feli managed to stand up on his two feet again and see the light again, I was just as bad as the day Lovi died.

The cafe didn't open again. That was something that through even all my misery I was able to be remorseful for. I ran out of money and had to sell it. It became something gaudy and awful, a dollar store or something with harsh strip lighting and soulless workers... You wouldn't have been able to believe that place was ever charming.

Feli dragged me put the house once a week, he demanded that we met up regularly since we both were close to Lovi and so were two of very few people who understood each other's pain.

One and a half years managed to pass very quickly but at the same time very slowly. It's like I had woken up one day all that time had gone by but at the same time once I woke up it felt like I had been asleep forever.

I didn't try and that was my fault. I only hoped that Lovino couldn't see me how I was, lying in a dusty bedroom watching the plants I had worked so hard for wither away. He would have slapped my hard if he was able to and yelled at me until he was red and breathless, and if he didn't need to breathe would have kept going days.

Though somehow it took a lot more than just thinking about him to pull together again, it didn't even take a bad night and a bottle of pills, it took two of them.

After nine months I tried to kill myself. That time it was romantic, I had an idea that I just wanted to see Lovino and if I died then it'd all be perfect. I was surprised when I woke up in a hospital bed with both Gilbert and Francis next to me.

Gil' and Francis stayed with me for almost two months after that. They tried their best with me but any time I did something productive it was because they had talked me into it. Gilbert got pretty mad at me and I couldn't blame him.

Actually first he was angry at Lovino, saying to Francis when he thought I couldn't hear him that he wished Lovino and I had never met.

But soon he just got frustrated with me. He was kind, he was one of my best friends but I could still see the patience was wearing thin. If I was being difficult he'd leave the house and come back hours later smelling of beer, but just slightly. He would have been sitting in a bar with a single drink sipping it as slowly as he could.

Francis I think secretly enjoyed playing nurse a little. He was a guy who was really perceptive in some areas but in others he was pretty oblivious and this was one of them.

They tried so hard so when I attempted suicide a second time, after two years had gone by, it was worse, far messier. It was so awful that it over shadowed the first one completely. It wasn't romantic this time either; it was simply because it all hurt too much for me to live with anymore.

But this time I saw someone, spoke to a woman.

I woke up for the second time after it happened; the first was a dizzy, disorientated blur. This time everything was clear, especially the nurse who was by my bed.

She had a soft face and kind eyes. Her hair was same colour as Lovino's... In fact so much about made me think of him that I almost just reached out to her.

We talked for hours, it was just so easy and by the end I had changed. She had told me what I had known all along, that how I had been living was wrong, not something that Lovino would have wanted. I needed to treasure what he didn't have. If I threw it all away , maybe I didn't deserve him after all.

When I asked for the same nurse the next morning no one else knew who I could possibly be talking about

The rest of my life started then. Before even I knew what was going on I had gotten a job, had replanted my garden, and was getting back into shape.

I was pulled together by thread. Maybe not even that, spiders web perhaps... But rather than looking at how weak it was and I built it up, I faced forward and made the thread into ribbon, the ribbon into string, the string into thick ropes, then chains, and finally big metal braces held me together, fixing around me tight.

There was still enough pain and heartache to make me fall apart again but I didn't let it catch up. I was running and there was a cape of grief that had caught the wind and flowed behind me. It went where I went, I couldn't shake it, if I was going somewhere bright it was coming too. There was nothing could do. It was there.

All there was left was running more, running on and on and keeping the black cape on the wind behind me. It was hard at first, I had to wonder in the beginning what it was all for if I couldn't stop running then I didn't want to start. Still, I forced myself to take the first few steps and realised quickly that I was gaining momentum and soon it was like I wasn't running at all.

One day I vanished.

It was like I had died this time but in a way that was totally different. Three years and five months since Lovino died and Feli had an engagement party. His life had changed completely too. By some feat the Vargas family was free of debt. Lovino's Grandpa had started a small time maintenance company somewhere in Sicily and Feli was doing what was asked of him the last time he spoke to his brother and really living his life. He and Ludwig were engaged and Feli was going to study art for four years in Toronto after the following summer. They'd return here someday but a change of view is what they both needed.

It was what I needed too. Without warning I left the morning after the party. I took very little.

Ha! That was something new to my life, 'I took very little'.

Memories were always better than the junk I had held onto for years and when I left gutted my house ready to let it be sold to whomever I realised that I wasn't going to miss that stuff.

I took some clothes, a framed photo of Lovi and me (one thing that even the reformed me couldn't bear to give up) and I piece of paper that was torn out of a notebook so long ago.

I landed in Rome but didn't stay long. I felt like I was unlocking and uncovering each small town as I went through it, they were like little secrets that I was learing. It was an easy life, I'd travel until I was running low on money then I'd get a bar job until I had it back again.

Finally, finally the last item on the bucket list was scored off. I had explored that vibrant country north to south. I did it while getting a ride in the trailer of a farmer's pickup.

I didn't have Lovino's ashes. He had asked them to be scattered in Italy but they went with his grandpa and now blew around over an incredible blue sea and sweet colourful houses.

But I did have his bucket list. In a way I felt like it was as much a part of him as his ashes were... This had his hopes and dreams and even though it meant little to him when we met by the time he passed away it was sacred to us both, whether it was because it contained all the things he wanted to do or because it brought us together I wasn't sure... Maybe it was precious for both those reasons.

Whatever it was, it was him. Now here I was in the beautiful rich Italian country side, with the smell of tomato plants around me and the warm breeze going through my hair, and a bucket list in my hands with everything scored off.

I held it up, the air took hold of it and pulled at it like it was trying to gently take it from me... I lowered it, kissed the paper, flattened it, and before I could change my mind I let it go. It sailed away, up and up and up... I liked to think it would never land. It would just keep going and going.

I never married, in my mind I was already taken, but when I eventually settled down in the south of France I knew a life alone wasn't for me. So I adopted two boys, Francis and Gilbert and raised them as my sons – they were a handful but I loved them both.

I opened a new cafe. Somehow I liked it better then my old one, maybe here in the small village where I knew almost everyone and had too many friends to count it felt more like the charming coffee shop I had aimed for. Besides, I had two little rascals to really add life to the place! I considered naming this place after Lovino but I never did, I gave it the same name as the old place. I had two tragedies in my life, and my cafe was one I still needed to pay homage to.

Francis grew up to be the feisty, smart mouthed one and it was Gilbert who became the showman, desperate to please. With the names I had given them, I had already assigned them a character in my head so seeing them grow up so different to the friends I had named them after seemed so crazy! When I told other people this they always said I should have named them the other way around, but I knew I had named them right. Those boys were their own people and grew up into their own men, not like my old friends at all.

When I moved back to Spain, it felt right. Francis came with me, Gilbert lived up North by then, he was married and I had a grandson on the way.

My sons were told so much about Lovino that they had never questioned why I never married. I think Lovino became part of their lives, I had spoken about him since the boys were toddlers. They never tried to convince me to get back out there, though they never said anything, I was pretty sure they understood that Lovino had a place in my heart that couldn't be given to anyone else.

By the time they were adults they spoke of him like he was alive. I'd do something silly and they'd ask "What would Lovino say to that?" like Lovino might just come into the room at any second and tell me how dumb I was and tell me off. Or maybe I'd see something pretty and they would ask if Lovino would have liked it, like it was something that I could bring home and give to him. He was the invisible member of the family that had just as much power as the rest of us and was just as loved. In a way it was odd, thinking I had sons older than Lovino when he died. Francis and Gilbert were ageing, we all left Lovi behind, eternally frozen at nineteen. He was the youngest of all of us but none of us ever thought of him as a teenager.

I kept my cafe alive in Spain until I was physically unable. I didn't pass it on to either of my sons, Francis was still in Spain but he and Gilbert in France had their own lives to live. I sold the building, scared that it would go the way my old one did and become something ugly that would make me wince every time I passed it in the street but I was spared. It became a shoe shop. Nothing amazing but after the last one this satisfied me.

When I cried over Lovino, I let myself cry. This didn't stop until the end of my days but I didn't hold it back, I kept running, letting what had destroyed me before stay flowing behind me.

September 4th was his day. The anniversary of his death.

That day was a hard one every year, I didn't go out on that day most years and the cafe always closed. That was the day I let it all brush against me again and I touched the grief that had devastated me for two years again, in some ways I shouldn't have every started to dwell on that day but I knew I wasn't going to stop. I tried so hard for him for 363 other days; September 4th was like something religious for me.

I lived for 68 quiet September 4ths more after he died. It seemed mind boggling when I thought of the sum, warm in bed one Sunday afternoon.

Gilbert was in the kitchen with Francis, there was some drama in the kitchen downstairs over buying a couch for Ada, my eldest Granddaughter for her new apartment. Both the boys were fussing so much it'd embarrass her but she was leaving home for the first time. She was Lovino's age now...

Never ever did I forget Lovino. Barely an hour went by that I didn't think of him.

He was the voice of reason in my head, the reason why I woke up extra early to watch sunrises, the reason I was still alive as well as why I had touched death in the first place.

Six months meant nothing to most people and these days for me they seemed to pass in a blink of an eye but I never let myself think that any time, no matter how little was worth wasting. Six months had given me something so magical that it would consume my life until the day I died. Six months of one person had given me enough for me to think of our time together and never be bored of recounting memories.

There was a cheer downstairs, the perfect couch had been ordered.

I smiled with them, glad I had lived to see the day that my two grown up sons were able to drink wine and order couches. It was such a normal life those two lived but it was such a happy one.

I wondered if it would be any different if Lovino were there.

In a way it wouldn't be, it would just give the Lovi living with us already a body and a face, but at the same time it would all be different, so, so different. I thought of an alternate world where the bed I lay in was big enough for two and I had my arms around his waist, face in the crook of his neck and warmth on me. I smiled lightly, letting myself stay in that fantasy world as I took a few last breaths, we had been here before, long ago but this time we were ready. I clung to him back then, trying to wrestle him out of the hands of death but this time as I conjured his image one last time I was content for him to take the final step into the unknown, equally I was fine going first, because one would follow seconds after the other, with no time for sadness. Our bodies would cool like machines that had been switched off at last but the warmth that once possessed them ran together, to a place warmer than ever.

**.oO0Oo.**

I woke up on a beach, I was lying on wet sand with my face up to the sky.

I sit up slowly, blinking and looking out to a blue sea, one that I just instinctively know has no end.

I stand up, reuniting with my limbs like it's the first time I've used them in years. It's the easy way my body moves that gives it away but looking at my hands hat confirms it – I'm young again. I run my fingers through a curly full head of hair and then over my face which has skin on it tighter than it has been decades.

This place is timeless, only the tide is subject to the moments that pass it.

I stretch; it feels like I've been lying there for so long even though the place that I'm in isn't one I've ever seen before.

I turn my head and freeze. I am not alone.

At the other end of the beach someone wades in the water, trying to jump over waves, they're energetic and so lively. I know them.

"Lovi!" I cup my hands over my hands and yell out his name, the sound carries on the wind but doesn't sound harsh. It's loud, I yelled it out with all my might but as it hits my ears it doesn't hurt, it's like it goes past my ears and settles gently in my brain.

He's there and I'm there. He's there and I am too. It's been so long, and I wonder how long it will be before I get so overwhelmed with joy that everything goes white.

I start to run, tears streaming down my face. He has looked up and seems to be locked in place. He's waited a long time... So have I.

Slowly he started to move, the waves crashing at his knees as he tries to run in the water. He falls after a few steps, and looks up at me face red on his hands and knees, a familiar feisty expression. I'm close enough to see his face now, big eyes that never did get paid justice in photos, and I don't even want to blink; I just want to drink it in.

I laugh, I laugh hard. He got over excited, he shouldn't have tried to run through the waves.

I move into the water too, it's cold but doesn't bother, "Oh Lovi, I love you." I muse, and it's like we were never apart. I don't run anymore. I savour the anticipation of seeing him stand up and reach out for me, it's all in three dimensions, and it moves. These are arms that can curl and bend, wrapping around me. This is a body I can lift and squeeze tight, that I can seize the lips of and become part of by lacing our fingers together.

There's no need to rush now, here we don't need to hurry, we can take it all one step at a time.

I'd keep walking over to him forever if I had to, because finally we have forever to spare.

**The End**


End file.
